he is disengaging? Look at the whole situation now and tell me if there is something to this, or is he just not wanting anything to do with your kid for no reason? Something has got to be up.

If he starting to have some of the feelings that alot of us get to?

I think it depends on why the SP has disengaged. In my case, as my quote states "I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." If what I say doesn't matter because I am not a bio parent, and the BP will not stand up for me, then I am not going to take responsibility for the child. Now if I were just disengaging, because I don't want the responsibility, then yeah, maybe. Even then though, I am not the "mom" or the "dad". I think it depends on what you and your SO are willing to do and deal with, and what your expectations are of each other. Does any of that make sense? LOL

My DH and I have had many long talks about what I expect, and that if it didn't happen, disengaging is what would happen. He really CHOSE this. He had a choice. I didn't choose this, and this isn't what I want. I am in the opposite (or maybe same?) boat as you. If things don't change so I can reengage, I am DONE.

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

what warrants his disengaging? Is there a back story I missed?

BD? At all?

because we natrually get defensive when someone "attacks" our child. Even if the child is wrong. I know sometimes it is hard to see BS get disciplined by FH. BUT, he does it when necessary and TBH, BS needs that strong discipline as he can get out of line sometimes. Your BD and SD are different, so they require different discipline styles.
If he is talking crap about how bad of a kid she is and constantly saying negative things, I would feel angry too. Have you ever asked him what stops him from bonding with your daughter? Unfortunately its not something that is forced, and can either happen over time or maybe not at all.
And noone hates you for making this decision. You are just a mom who is looking to protect her child, and thats we all do. Have you tried to see it from your BFs perspective? Perhaps he feels or sees something that you may have missed?

I know what you are saying.
There is a "in-balance" thing going on. You recognize it, and it is very hard to deal with.
As much as he is being critical with your daughter you could be just as critical with him with what he is not doing right. But you are not, your trying to let him see things the way you do. Trying to help him understand what can be better.
And he resorts to disengaging.
Frustrating as hell. Your attempts for growth and equality within the home is met with the opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

I bet you have experienced some things in your life that taught you these important traits you are expressing.
I believe you are on the right track. This disengaging thing I have an issue with myself.
I can only do it in small doses. And when I do it? I am forcing myself to do it. It does not come easy for me. And it bothers me to know end when people do this with no care in the world.
I see life's problems as challenges, as opportunities to learn and build strong relationships with. To ignore, or disengage when it's a clear opportunity for growth is just a childish reaction to me.
This does not build character, or bonds, or trust, or anything but hardships, and confusion.

Disengaging with an adult is another topic.
Adults are master manipulators, disengaging to keep your sanity from someone controlling you is a flat out necessity. And this can be held true with children that are down right nasty. But even then disengagement should only be temporary for children. The common theme is always engagement.

and what she mentioned. Its easy for him to treat his daughter like a princess because he doesn't see her all the time. But he sees your daughter 24/7. There could be resentment but its uncalled for. Its not your fault his arrangement is this way and he knew you had a kid that you had custody of from the beginning. No surprises here.
Maybe he isn't comfortable for some reason. FH took a while to get used to my son. He was also afraid to be more than a disciplinarian because my son was standoffish. But my son was standoffish because he thought being close with FH would mean disobeying his dad who he only saw once every few months. Its a weird cycle, that just stopped on its own. Maybe he feels like he can do nothing right. His relationship with you can affect the relationship with your daughter.
I hate to hear that she is trying to get close to him and he isn't responsive. I was the same way with my Stepdad growing up. By the time I reached a teen I acted like I didn't care anymore. But the rejection does sting.
Talk to him, in a nonconfrontational manner.

because I do "parent" my SDs. I'm the 'cool' SM yes, but I can be super cool and still parent them, I'm fortunate it works at my house. I can get after them about stuff, even send them to their room if necessary (such strict punishment right? haha). However, I am EXTREMELY defensive about DH getting onto perfectson17. Basically I just don't allow DH to get after him about anything other than yelling at him to feed the dog or something. It's a complete and total double standard I know, BUT, I will not ever compromise on this issue and DH is fine with it now. They were butting heads so much and so often that I finally told DH to stay out of everything and that he was MY son and I would deal with him... on everything. It works for us.

This discussion about disengaging has got me thinking. Some very good points have been expressed already about why a step-parent might disengage, especially regarding the lack of authority and feelings of helplessness. I do think there is a gender double standard here; it's easier for men to disengage because most men were not taught how to parent, and because most women end up with the bulk of the parenting work.

FSM, please read some of my blog entries because I'm afraid our situation is an example of what could be happening in your home, except a few years later and with very serious consequences. I have a DD14 and my FH has SD14, SD16 and SS18. He had a serious case of angel syndrome when it came to his own children but could only see negatives in my daughter. He was unable to bond with her because of his guilt over not being able to parent his children, and because of his fear of how a healthy relationship with my daughter would interfere with his relationships with his daughters (his daughters despise my daughter for living with their father). I saw this and knew it. I tried to bring it to his attention. But he just couldn't see it or didn't know how to change it.

This was all compounded by the fact that my daughter has several developmental and psychological issues that he perceived as a result of poor parenting. So all he could focus on were her behaviours when they interfered with his life. Your story touched me, especially when you said it's as if he just wants her to behave and stay out of his way. This is how I think my FH felt, too. I think many men, fathers and step-father alike, feel this way because they were raised to leave the parenting to the woman of the house (while having the last word on decision-making and discipline, of course).

This will not get better without intervention. And if it doesn't get better, it will SURELY get worse as your little girl grows. My daughter is old enough to know exactly what's going on in FH's head and it broke her heart. FH has a long, long way to go towards mending the damage his disinterest and irritation has caused.

I truly hope you and your DH will be able to really communicate about this and get it resolved before you continue down the road we've taken.