There are hard times and I've had my fair share of doubting but I know in my heart that FH and I belong together. Yes, I do post on ST when I'm mad and have my doubts...however making a list of pro's and con's I KNOW I'm with a great man! Truth be told tho...YOU are the ONLY person that knows the history, what you feel, and deep down what you should do. Good luck and keep in touch with us!

you should give this A LOT of thought. Definitely look around and read everyone's blogs and feel free to ask questions (everyone is really friendly and open on this site). I would also read some step-parenting books (my favorite is "The Single Girls Guide To Marrying a Man, His Kids and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Step-Mom with Humor &and Grace" by Sally Bjornsen.) You're going to have to weigh how much you love them with how much you are willing to put up with. My situation sucks in a lot of ways, but I love my Husband so much that in the end it is totally worth it. It's just different for each of us and you have to figure out if they are worth all the strife and hard work. Being a step-parent is HARD THANKLESS WORK. Do remember that, but don't throw away your love just out of fear or horror stories. Getting all perspectives (even the BMs-try iVillage for that) and educating yourself will definitely help you feel more confident about making an informed choice.

Just to give my take, it sounds like you have an amazing skid. She sounds like she cares a lot and is a smart, good kid. She is doing the only thing she knows to try to make everyone happy. Her first loyalty will be to her mom and I would predict that things will get a whole lot worse and crazier if you choose to stay and marry her dad. Your SD's BM will probably (if she's anything like all the other BMs on this site) flip out and things will get really bad for a few months. After that, it usually evens out, but can take years in some cases. There are tons of things you can do to prevent a lot of the drama and reading people's stories on here, other websites and books can really help you prepare for the future. I know that if someone had given me good advice early on, I would have saved myself a lot of drama. The BM in my situation pretty much responds to what I do. If I react to the things she says and does on a minor level, it gives her the go-ahead to take it up a notch and get crazier and then if I react to that, it's a horrible downward spiral in which I find myself being physically threatened, e-stalked and harassed and other forms of unpleasantness. If, on the other hand, I ignore her little taunts and threats and it never (or rarely) escalates if I just refuse to participate. It takes two to fight and I have learned that if can successfully control her actions just by not letting her get to me! It took me a really long time and many fights (verbal, obviously) with the BM to learn that it would never get resolved (because she's nuts) and would never go anywhere positive. My only choice was to ignore her. If she goes over the line or freaks out over stuff I don't have control over then I can deal with it, and I won't ignore anything really bad, just to keep the peace. I just mean ignoring the little stuff that BMs traditionally do to lash out at the SM (rumor spreading, nasty comments etc...). When she badmouths you to the skids, just be your awesome self and the skids will figure it out on their own. Rumor spreading can be ignored(-if it's actual slander/defamation of character you can sue). Your H can set appropriate boundaries with BM especially in the case of inappropriate flirting or personal comments and things like that. You will have to learn to communicate with your H really well and to be honest with him about your feelings. If you don't agree about boundaries with the ex or the raising of the skid, then you will have a lot of problems. Make sure your H will be up to working through possible negative scenarios with the ex and problems/issues with your skid. I wish I would have known to work that stuff out before I committed to it, I wouldn't have felt so trapped, bitter and duped that way.

So if you do choose to stay with your guy and his daughter, I think really researching it and doing some soul searching about how much you love them and what kind of sacrifices you will have to make etc... will be the best preparation for you and help you make your choice. I'm coming up on my second year anniversary, so i'm still a newbie, but I have to say that things are finally getting better and it has definitely been worth it to be with my H, who is my best friend and incredibly caring and kind.

And lastly, if you do stay with him, bookmark this site! You will need it! Everyone on this site is going through pretty much the same thing and there is a lot to learn from everyone, lots of great advice and lots of comforting stories that will sometimes make you pee your pants laughing.

Good luck and keep us posted!
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

you should give this A LOT of thought. Definitely look around and read everyone's blogs and feel free to ask questions (everyone is really friendly and open on this site). I would also read some step-parenting books (my favorite is "The Single Girls Guide To Marrying a Man, His Kids and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Step-Mom with Humor &and Grace" by Sally Bjornsen.) You're going to have to weigh how much you love them with how much you are willing to put up with. My situation sucks in a lot of ways, but I love my Husband so much that in the end it is totally worth it. It's just different for each of us and you have to figure out if they are worth all the strife and hard work. Being a step-parent is HARD THANKLESS WORK. Do remember that, but don't throw away your love just out of fear or horror stories. Getting all perspectives (even the BMs-try iVillage for that) and educating yourself will definitely help you feel more confident about making an informed choice.

Just to give my take, it sounds like you have an amazing skid. She sounds like she cares a lot and is a smart, good kid. She is doing the only thing she knows to try to make everyone happy. Her first loyalty will be to her mom and I would predict that things will get a whole lot worse and crazier if you choose to stay and marry her dad. Your SD's BM will probably (if she's anything like all the other BMs on this site) flip out and things will get really bad for a few months. After that, it usually evens out, but can take years in some cases. There are tons of things you can do to prevent a lot of the drama and reading people's stories on here, other websites and books can really help you prepare for the future. I know that if someone had given me good advice early on, I would have saved myself a lot of drama. The BM in my situation pretty much responds to what I do. If I react to the things she says and does on a minor level, it gives her the go-ahead to take it up a notch and get crazier and then if I react to that, it's a horrible downward spiral in which I find myself being physically threatened, e-stalked and harassed and other forms of unpleasantness. If, on the other hand, I ignore her little taunts and threats and it never (or rarely) escalates if I just refuse to participate. It takes two to fight and I have learned that if can successfully control her actions just by not letting her get to me! It took me a really long time and many fights (verbal, obviously) with the BM to learn that it would never get resolved (because she's nuts) and would never go anywhere positive. My only choice was to ignore her. If she goes over the line or freaks out over stuff I don't have control over then I can deal with it, and I won't ignore anything really bad, just to keep the peace. I just mean ignoring the little stuff that BMs traditionally do to lash out at the SM (rumor spreading, nasty comments etc...). When she badmouths you to the skids, just be your awesome self and the skids will figure it out on their own. Rumor spreading can be ignored(-if it's actual slander/defamation of character you can sue). Your H can set appropriate boundaries with BM especially in the case of inappropriate flirting or personal comments and things like that. You will have to learn to communicate with your H really well and to be honest with him about your feelings. If you don't agree about boundaries with the ex or the raising of the skid, then you will have a lot of problems. Make sure your H will be up to working through possible negative scenarios with the ex and problems/issues with your skid. I wish I would have known to work that stuff out before I committed to it, I wouldn't have felt so trapped, bitter and duped that way.

So if you do choose to stay with your guy and his daughter, I think really researching it and doing some soul searching about how much you love them and what kind of sacrifices you will have to make etc... will be the best preparation for you and help you make your choice. I'm coming up on my second year anniversary, so i'm still a newbie, but I have to say that things are finally getting better and it has definitely been worth it to be with my H, who is my best friend and incredibly caring and kind.

And lastly, if you do stay with him, bookmark this site! You will need it! Everyone on this site is going through pretty much the same thing and there is a lot to learn from everyone, lots of great advice and lots of comforting stories that will sometimes make you pee your pants laughing.

Good luck and keep us posted!
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

you should give this A LOT of thought. Definitely look around and read everyone's blogs and feel free to ask questions (everyone is really friendly and open on this site). I would also read some step-parenting books (my favorite is "The Single Girls Guide To Marrying a Man, His Kids and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Step-Mom with Humor &and Grace" by Sally Bjornsen.) You're going to have to weigh how much you love them with how much you are willing to put up with. My situation sucks in a lot of ways, but I love my Husband so much that in the end it is totally worth it. It's just different for each of us and you have to figure out if they are worth all the strife and hard work. Being a step-parent is HARD THANKLESS WORK. Do remember that, but don't throw away your love just out of fear or horror stories. Getting all perspectives (even the BMs-try iVillage for that) and educating yourself will definitely help you feel more confident about making an informed choice.

Just to give my take, it sounds like you have an amazing skid. She sounds like she cares a lot and is a smart, good kid. She is doing the only thing she knows to try to make everyone happy. Her first loyalty will be to her mom and I would predict that things will get a whole lot worse and crazier if you choose to stay and marry her dad. Your SD's BM will probably (if she's anything like all the other BMs on this site) flip out and things will get really bad for a few months. After that, it usually evens out, but can take years in some cases. There are tons of things you can do to prevent a lot of the drama and reading people's stories on here, other websites and books can really help you prepare for the future. I know that if someone had given me good advice early on, I would have saved myself a lot of drama. The BM in my situation pretty much responds to what I do. If I react to the things she says and does on a minor level, it gives her the go-ahead to take it up a notch and get crazier and then if I react to that, it's a horrible downward spiral in which I find myself being physically threatened, e-stalked and harassed and other forms of unpleasantness. If, on the other hand, I ignore her little taunts and threats and it never (or rarely) escalates if I just refuse to participate. It takes two to fight and I have learned that if can successfully control her actions just by not letting her get to me! It took me a really long time and many fights (verbal, obviously) with the BM to learn that it would never get resolved (because she's nuts) and would never go anywhere positive. My only choice was to ignore her. If she goes over the line or freaks out over stuff I don't have control over then I can deal with it, and I won't ignore anything really bad, just to keep the peace. I just mean ignoring the little stuff that BMs traditionally do to lash out at the SM (rumor spreading, nasty comments etc...). When she badmouths you to the skids, just be your awesome self and the skids will figure it out on their own. Rumor spreading can be ignored(-if it's actual slander/defamation of character you can sue). Your H can set appropriate boundaries with BM especially in the case of inappropriate flirting or personal comments and things like that. You will have to learn to communicate with your H really well and to be honest with him about your feelings. If you don't agree about boundaries with the ex or the raising of the skid, then you will have a lot of problems. Make sure your H will be up to working through possible negative scenarios with the ex and problems/issues with your skid. I wish I would have known to work that stuff out before I committed to it, I wouldn't have felt so trapped, bitter and duped that way.

So if you do choose to stay with your guy and his daughter, I think really researching it and doing some soul searching about how much you love them and what kind of sacrifices you will have to make etc... will be the best preparation for you and help you make your choice. I'm coming up on my second year anniversary, so i'm still a newbie, but I have to say that things are finally getting better and it has definitely been worth it to be with my H, who is my best friend and incredibly caring and kind.

And lastly, if you do stay with him, bookmark this site! You will need it! Everyone on this site is going through pretty much the same thing and there is a lot to learn from everyone, lots of great advice and lots of comforting stories that will sometimes make you pee your pants laughing.

Good luck and keep us posted!
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

I think the most important question to ask yourself is how much does what BM does affect you emotionally? If you find yourself more frustrated, jealous, hurt, confused and angry by BM's actions, it will take a significant amount of time to overcome these feelings and get to a place of peace with them, sometimes people never get to this place and live a life of bitterness and resentment towards the BM, their DH, and sometimes even their skids. It's not a matter of WHAT BM does, it's a matter of HOW it affects YOU.

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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

You also have to consider the fact that BM may not intentionally do anything to get under your skin, but her actions may still have an affect on you. It all comes down to how you let it affect you and your relationship regardless if it's intentional or not.

______________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

to happen if I was you. BM is just another problem to either solve or mitigate. I would suggest that you work with FH and SD to develop your own family relationships that are open, supportive, communicative and are designed to protect the best interests of each of you and your family. BM has made it abundantly clear that she is not interested in being reasonable and as such she has made herself a primary threat to the blended family you, FY and SD are embarking on building.

Think of BM as a pest you want to either rid your home of or protect your home from and put the best pest control plan in place that you can develop. Think of this as the Orkin Pest Control plan of blended Family dynamics.

That pretty much builds a box that BM will be on the outside of. The next step will be to build a box around BM that will limit her ability to impact the well being of the family that you, FH and SD are building. The building blocks for this box are the Family Court Judgement that will specifically outline Visitation and CS and holding BM compliant. If your DH has that Judgement then he already has the primary tool for keeping BM as under control as possible. He needs to roll the Judgement up and beat the snot out of BM with it every time she deviates from the Judgement. (figuratively of course) As she gives you more and more ammunition to use against her keep the Judgement updated by taking her to court. Eventually she will get the hint that she needs to stay between the lines of the box that you build with the Judgement holding her compliant with it.

It is not always easy and it can take a long, long time. But, you can build a very powerful and rewarding family experience that you , FH, SD and any BioKids you spawn will thrive within.

My Wife, SS and I have managed to do a decent (though certainly not perfect) job of this since we married 15+yrs ago before SS turned 2yo.

Even now that he is 17 we, as a family, have to deal with SpermClan drama periodically.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

I love my DH, we have NOT been together 30 years, but we have a fairly strong marriage. I however have a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm 2nd all the time. With respect to my skid, its a constant game of walking on eggshells, disengaging, saying the wrong things even when I have the best intentions etc. This is going to go on for the rest of my life, I'm ready for it I think, but I don't like it. If I was to do this all over again? I don't think I would... it's added a lot of stress to my life. Stress that is not welcomed. I keep thinking just wait until he's a teenager, it's going to get wayyy worse. Anyways... just my opinion. In my case it's really not the BM that bothers me at all... sure I do get upset when DH only listens to her parenting advice..like she's some all knowing guru or something, but she's actually not a bad person... yes she gets under my skin...but so does my DH. If you are ready to make this life long commitment knowing all the facts, then go for it. Just never lose sight of those facts. Even though I said I'd never do it again, I couldn't imagine my life without DH. I know.. I'm all over the place and confusing.. I think the reason is.. there is no 'right' answer.

I would make sure that he is ready to move away from this bm, and cut those ties. See his child on his court time, sent the check to the court, do separate celebrations ect., and pretty much disengage from bm, because this is someone who will try to sabatage every relationship this man has. He needs to completely let go, and since this child is 10 he can call schools, doctors ect. He doesn't need to talk to the bm a whole lot, yes its possible because we did it. Yes bm was infuriated that we stopped "empowering", her and she wasn't a co-parent with dh, I was. But we did cut her out of our lives.

Myself and dh co-parented and it was her business when the child was with her what went on, and when she wouldn't leave us alone our lawyer sent her a certified letter stating that we only wished to have a relationship with the child, not her; and if she continued on we would seek legal action. It worked, so my advice would be to ignore her but find out how much dh is willing to put his past in the past, and move on. Not a lot she can do unless you both allow it, and If he is the type that loves to have two women in the marriage then I would move on.

I dont necessarily see it as wanting to have two women in the marriage just b/c he chooses not to cut ties with BM. There are parents out there who truly believe it is in the child's best interest to be able to co-parent effectively together. Does it make the new wife feel like there are two women in the marriage, I'm sure sometimes it does. But you can't go into a relationship/marriage with the mindset that you are going to control things from now on, and that anything that needs to be handled in regards to the kids will be handled by you and not by the two Bioparents of the kids.

I do believe that a large part of difficulties that SM's face are based on how their DH's handle their BM's, so also think about that MaybeIShould, look back and how he deals with BM and see if that is also something you can handle. Because very few DH's change the approach they use in dealing with the BM.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

Sure you can, you don't have to co-parent with a ex. Dh and I got the best information from teachers, doctors, ect. accurate and more reliable than the bm, minus the conflict, and without using the child as a wedge. Also,

it worked best for all and the child because we forever stopped the conflict, bm could only fight with herself and going by most situations and statistics the other way clearly doesn't work.

I'm sure it can be done, but the key player to making it happen is DH. You have to have him on board. But if he doesn't want to hop on that wagon, I wouldn't take it personally.

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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

IMHO I would get married. The little girl sounds great, BM is crazy--so what. Get married, file for custody once you have documentation that the lady is not willing to co parent and has said the things she does.

You can work with this if your H is worth it and your SD is willing to accept you.