DH left today for 6 weeks, Hope Floats (or sinks), and a Stepdaughter's guilt...Long sorry....
SD and I just dropped DH off at the airport for the next leg of his business trip. 6 weeks this time. Well, at least I didn't cry like the last time, or feel as lost and alone. I'm surprised that I am feeling this optimistic since we just had a horrible weekend due to BM bull...
SD has been told that she has to give counseling sessions with her mom some time because in the last visit counselor thought she saw SOMETHING in BM "click". Not sure.. but counselor saw a glimmer of understanding in BM. So SD goes to BM's and BM has a movie picked out for them to watch!!
Hope Floats. I never saw it but it's all about a selfish evil DH who leaves a poor victim BM alone with an 8 year old daughter. Here's a synopsis if you would like... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope_Floats
Umm Note to BM?? SD is having issues with you right now!!! This is NOT the movie to show your daughter!! The feelings it brings up are too much for her to handle.
Back home DH and I had settled in for a true NIGHT ALONE. We had wine and mixed drinks... we had the WHOLE HOUSE to ourselves... and then the phone rings. SD crying from her bedroom, telling DH about the movie. DH hangs up, calls BM and just says... it's too much turn it off. Because you know... if you watch a movie with a kid and they leave the room upset ... what do you do? Turn it off? Hell NO!!! BM KEPT THE MOVIE RUNNING AND CALLED HER SISTER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HER OWN DAUGHTER.
So then SD calls back and asks for us to come and get her. The thing that bothered her was that she tried. She tried to give her mom a chance. She sat in the living room with her to watch a movie. When the movie first started by being about a "bad father"...she hesitated but stayed in the room. But when the movie went to the place where daughter is screaming at her mom "I hate you"... and mom is saying to grandmom how daughter looks at her like the husband that left her and daughter "has a wall up against her mother".... It was too much for SD to handle. The feelings were too close to home. She felt that her mom was insulting her dad for one thing... and the whole "I hate you" "She has a wall up" were just issues they discussed in counseling. It raised her anxiety to an all time high level and she couldn't handle it.
We go there to get SD and she comes out and gets in the back seat and starts SOBBING on my shoulder. She just let it all out. The poor girl is saying "I hate her"... "I don't want her ever to touch me"....
We take SD home... get her calmed down, and DH goes in the bedroom to call BM. And then it starts... BM DEFENDING her choice of movie. First she tried to lie about it and say that she didn't see it...but then later said it's one of her "favorite movies with a great message at the end". Oh yes, and SD is "too sensitive" and "she should have just given the movie a chance". And DH asked her ... Do you want to pick a movie over your daughter? If your daughter is upset, turn it off. End of story. And for some unknown reason, BM could not grasp that concept. She did nothing wrong.
BM also went into her tirade of how DH and I are manipulating SD and keeping her away from her. Finally DH told BM "Your relationship with your daughter is your own fault. It is of your own making. Don't blame me.. don't blame Stick... don't blame child. Your relationship with your own daughter is your own doing."
He went into so much more detail. He let BM know that she was so much closer to losing her own daughter than she realized. Do you know she didn't even understand it all? She didn't think things were that bad? The kid doesn't even see her except maybe once a week and she doesn't get it!!!
BM started WAILING like a wounded animal. I could hear her and I wasn't on the phone with her. She promised to get some counseling on her own. She promised to try harder. She doesn't want to lose her daughter. DH told her that if she feels like that, imagine what her daughter feels like. Can't BM see that she's hurting her own child???
And then... the next day... BM never called to check on how her daughter was doing. But DH called BM... and what does she say? That the movie wasn't that bad and that her daughter shouldn't be so sensitive.
Add to that that BM has been saying things to SD about texting me and putting things in the context of SD "choosing" me over her and giving her more guilt. The kid already feels guilty about the strained relationship they have... so now she can feel guilty about having a good relationship with me too.
SD has counseling tonight with her mom. We'll see how that goes.
What do you guys make of this?
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Poor Stick
That woman is freaking self-centered, jealous, self serving & dillusional..... i'm not so sure counseling would fix the problems this chic harbors.. so she wants sd to watch this movie and turn things around and make sd feel poor BM is the victim..... that's a great idea, let me fuck up my little girtls head a little more than it already is.....
i feel horrible for you, dh & your sd.... i don't know your whole story, but how would you feel is sd came to your house full time?? -- me personally would lose my mind, but from your blogs and posts you have a much better relationship with sd --- furthermore, you have more willingness to make things right for the best interest of the child...
best of luck to all 3 of you.......
Ick
Sometimes BMs just don't deserve to stay in their children's lives. I'm so sorry.
God, what a moron.
That is unbelievable. What do I make of it? That BM clearly has some kind of mental condition. She must be at the very least, a narcissist. Can't imagine having a mom like that and trying to love her.
Keep your chin up, Stick. You're doing a good thing in a near-impossible situation.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
oh my...well I'm weepy now
That poor girl. Ugh...makes me wanna come kidnap you guys and shower you with hugs and happy chick flicks.
BM was DEFINITELY manipulating with that OLD ASS shitty movie. EVERYONE I know has seen that movie and knows what it's about. That's as transparent as when sd11 says how much she loves that Olsen Twins movie "It take two" ----evil stepmom gets stomped throughout whole film while sd11 would laugh hysterically.
I really hate to say this but SD needs to be kept away from this woman. The therapist really needs to be told about this and she needs to be made to understand this mother is NOT healthy for her daughter. She is tearing her daughter to pieces little by little and the therapist involved who could be helping this girl isn't doing anything to change her situation...It blows my mind how sd is still expected to interact with this woman when she is obviously causing more harm than anything. this bm blew her chance and is just screwing with this girls head and you, Stick, are going to be left to pick up the fragments of this child hopefully before she becomes too messed up to recover. She's the most lucky girl and the most unlucky girl. Most lucky in having you...least lucky in having her mother.
Try not to get too down while DH is gone...surround yourself in positive,beautiful things and watch only funny movies til he comes home!
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Stick
I feel like I just read a copy of my own situation with my SD11 and her BM.
I SO understand you and the frustration situations like this bring us.
Your sd is strong to have survived this far in this relationship with her BM. Amazing what children will accept/tolerate from their own parents in the hope of somehow having some love or security in return....
I totally agree with what BB and BitchBitchBarbie said and your sd is SO lucky to have you in her life and believe me, it makes a world of difference for her and will change the outcome of the rest of her life.
Don't give up, stay strong, we love you
missed u stick!!
Its heartbreaking to see and go thru this with with a skid. There are just some females (I can't call them women) that are just too self centered and narcissistic, as BB said, to see anything other than their own plight. The old 'woe is me" thing gets very old with these women. Its never their fault, the kids are just supposed to love and accept them the way they are (lazy and selfish), they blame the Dad and SM for everything (brainwashing, etc.) Its so sad for so many people in this situation. But I know one thing my friend, u adore that child, and yur DH has yur back.....and that alone will be her sole salvation here....look, there comes a time in all us custodial SM's lives when we have to say..."sorry honey, but I don't think the presents yur Mom said she sent are coming"....its f'n heartbreaking to watch a little kid check the phone at midnite on New Years Eve and see no call.....or no call on bdays, etc......it took me a long time to accept that a woman could be THAT self centered to truly turn her back on her kids...so I guess I look at it as....well then the universe just makes sure they get an awesome step mom.....some how some way it will come back to her sticky......it has to.... I'm sooooooo glad u are there for her (((((((hugs)))))).....
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Gosh Stick....
I'm just so so so very sorry.... (((HUGS))) to you and you family.
Starfish, Constantly, Belle, BBB, Chaotic,Lotus,WickedSM,Crystal
LADIES - CAN I JUST SAY THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I got a little teary today when I read all of your responses and just really appreciated the fact that you took the time to help, to comment, to be there.
I'm sorry, because I feel like I have been taking more from this site lately than contributing. I know that some of you have posted and I haven't responded. I don't feel like my head is in a place to give advice because I am struggling and confused right now.
Which just makes me appreciate your selflessness even MORE. And if I can ever ever be of assistance to you, please just PM me and I'll give you my cell! I'm always willing to listen!! Or have a mar-gar-eee-ta on the phone!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Bless her heart.
Really.
BUT... (you knew this was coming right?)... was rescuing the little puddin' the only choice?
I've seen Hope Floats. I adore the movie and the message doesn't lay solely in the relationship between the mom and young daughter.
It's about being happy no matter what your circumstances.
Knowing that you are loved, even when you don't feel that you may be worth being loved.
It's about perserverance.
Sometimes we play into our broken hearted children's needs and empower them to be victims, rather than survivors. SD could have been stressed by the movie, but empowered to change her outlook, change her stance. Face her fears.
You can't save her at the first sign of stress everytime, Stick. She could have tried to relay to her mom many of these fears and alternatives to aleviate some of her anxiety. You could have helped her come up with some alternatives, that if they failed... would show that she tried her best before simply fleeing the situation.
It's hard to watch our children suffer. But sometimes it's so much better to allow them the suffrage to help create true little warriors in all of this.
Much love,
Colorado Girl
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
OH CG!!! You know DH and I completely were torn about picking
her up. I understand completely what you are saying. Are we giving in to her? I get it. We were both on guard because SD doesn't want to stay over there any more, and DH was only home for the week, and SD had an early morning City Mission volunteer thing for Confirmation and we knew she was worried that her mom wouldn't get her to it on time. So we had already fought the battle that she had to go to her mom's and that was it. We had forced her basically to go. So if it was manipulation it was in the back of our minds. We didn't go at the FIRST phone call. Also, when DH was home, we met with SD's counselor and specifically asked her when it was just him and I if she thought SD was manipulating us about her mom. The counselor pretty much told us that right now, she didn't think that was the case.
I've never seen the movie. I just think it was a poor movie choice. We even told SD... our problem wasn't that her mom picked that movie at all. She made a mistake, so what. Our problem was that BM wouldn't turn it off when SD went to her room and was upset. BM called her sister to vent about her daughter, and then just kept trying to get SD to watch it. In my opinion, BM should know better. And that's why we picked her up. SD was sitting in her room alone experiencing all of the counseling issues in her head while BM was basically saying "she's too sensitive". The counselor has told them both they are NOT to discuss issues outside of her office because they have poor communication skills. They fight, SD gets upset, and BM basically blames SD for the problem. So they are NOT supposed to talk things out without a counselor present. Too many bad habits between the 2 of them.
The other thing in the back of Dh's mind, was that we have gotten SD to open up about her suicidal thoughts. When things had started to get better, SD had said how she never wanted her father to find her if she committed suicide. And she didn't want me to find her either. But she used to think about doing it so her mom would find her. As an "FU"... messed up, huh? And the only thing that kept her from doing it was that she also didn't want her mom to touch her after. So it was a worry. The counseling has been bringing up a lot of stuff for SD and she is barely hanging on.
Yesterday, before BM's session with SD in counseling and before DH left for the airport, we called SD's counselor and gave her the heads up of what happened. Counselor agreed that BM was not helping herself or her daughter in this instance. It was not good.
I'm meeting with SD's counselor this Friday alone and I will be sure to ask because I don't want to just give in. I want her to learn better coping skills.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Stick.
You're just afraid for her.
That's perfectly okay, sweety.
Just don't let your fears drive you. SD's suicidal idealations can't lead the way here. (I can only imagine this fear by the way) You are only teaching her to empower herself with negative thoughts... and then running with them.
I also do agree that she should have the power to say "I'm uncomfortable, and I want you to turn the movie off." But she could also have the power to say, "I'm just not in the mood for this type of flick, let's watch something lighter... funnier."
Mom probably did screw up here... but does anyone expect different?
I say you rent the movie. Watch it. If you feel comfortable, maybe watch it with her. Deal with it. Help change her perception of what that movie represents. I absolutely love that movie. I just adore the grandmother. The little girl's (who you spoke of yelling at her mom) little cousin was abandoned by his own mom by the way... and taken in by Grandma. She allowed no self pity in her house, and lets her grandson know just how much he is loved and how much she accepts him just the way he is. Why not relate to him instead?
Don't let your SD's self pity consume her by you continuously feeling sorry for her. She can't live her life not watching movies.
You're a great role model for her Stick. You sh*t glitter for pete's sake.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley