The risks of sticking around?
Hello All! I've been reading the posts on this site for a few days now and I wanted to share my story with you and ask for your opinions. It shadows the stories of some members like DC Girl and soon2bstep, so it's nothing new and the advice you've given them applies to me, as well. Yet there is a teeny tiny spark of hope in my mind that maybe my situation is different...maybe?
I've been dating a divorced dad for almost a year now. We currently live together, although I maintain my own apartment. We have an "interesting" relationship, as it's had quite a bit of ups and downs thus far, but we're a great team and we've managed to work on a lot of issues from the beginning. We are very invested in each other, our communication is great, and several issues that I've faced with his children and EWs have been handled with respect and love towards me. He's done well to accommodate my needs.
A little background: I'm 24, college grad, no children of my own, but soon to be divorced. He's 42, well educated, hard working, VERY independent and responsible. He has one son (I'll call him Bacon- the perks of this site- making up silly names) almost 5 y/o from his last marriage (divorce pending but separated and living apart over 3 years) and an almost 16 y/o daughter (she'll be Alice) who has been estranged for the last 12 years or so. He has recently revived that relationship with her and I've been a part of it. We speak through email and texts but not frequently. We both have a good relationship with her. We have not seen her yet but hope to however her mom doesn't know of this reunion and for years, disapproved of my SO. Alice has lived under the care of her mom and SD and my SO was not required to pay CS. As far as Bacon goes, we currently see him once a week for 8 hours. That is to change to twice a week for 6 weeks, due to BM's schedule. My SO pays CS. BM is..decent. Considering the stories I've read here, she is tolerable. Their relationship didn't work out because she cheated and didn't want to work on the marriage, but from what I know, she was a big love in his life. That's changed drastically, and he neither trusts her nor wishes she was a part of his life, but because of Bacon..well you know how that goes. They have an appropriate and civil relationship that, when BM isn't blabbing about her personal life, revolves around Bacon.
I have a SUPER relationship with Bacon and he's grown very attached to me, so much that BM is showing signs of jealousy and resentment, yet controls it enough for the sake of her son, I believe. Since we only have him once a week, my SO and I have had a life focused mainly on each other. It doesn't seem like that would change, as BM wants full custody of Bacon. Again, since Alice isn't in the picture and much older, she doesn't impact our lives significantly. I don't have the concern of having to raise either of these kids but I'm aware that they will always be there. Always. Forever and ever. And ever. So far, it has been a mostly positive challenge and a huge learning experience for me to accept his former life and the fruits of his labor, but I'm proud to say I've come a loooonnnnggg way. I feel I've become a more empathetic, mature, tolerant, accepting, loving and slightly more bitter 
woman. I'm sure many of you could relate to that. For those reasons, I've truly embraced this journey and it has given me many useful life skills.
BUT...there are a few set backs that I've learned you step parents deal with that I wonder if they will also come to affect me. My SO and I have spoken about marriage, also having children (that's another issue in itself) and sooner than all of that happening, we hope to purchase a home together. That would mean providing a permanent space for Bacon, whether he'd be with us more often than once a week or not. That's cool with me. However with all of this comes combining incomes. Although I'm more than willing to share life expenses with my SO, I'm not so hot on the idea of helping him support Bacon. I haven't had to so far, SO has never asked nor suggested it as he handles that expense on his own, but I imagine further down the line Bacon's needs will affect me. I'm also not confident in BM being responsible for her finances as there have been significant signs of irresponsible parenting that have cost SO $5,000 in dental fees for Bacon, because BM wasn't a pro at dental hygiene. Other than Bacon's needs, there have been no signs of mooching or milking of my SO by BM.
BM isn't in a committed relationship at the moment but we hope she finds a partner eventually. When that happens, I worry what will happen to Bacon. She tries to maintain a social and personal life, which is understandable, but does tend to "dump" Bacon on relatives and friends and doesn't give my SO an opportunity to parent as often as he'd like. He often finds out from friends that Bacon has been somewhere with someone while he could have been with us. We can suggest a myriad of reasons for that behavior but the list never ends. My concern is that one day Bacon will just have to live with us, for his safety and well being, and because BM's dumping resources will run out, we'll be his new home. I'm not sure if I can live "on guard" with a completely open door policy, but then again, is it realistic to worry about something that might never happen?
I don't want to drag this out, but I'd appreciate your views. What I'm asking, considering the outlook of my relationship so far, is it worth sticking around? The most stress has come from dealing with BM and her occasional difficult attitude but it hasn't been destructive. My SO has done a great job at putting me first and it's probably been easier on him because he doesn't have his kids full time. Through conflicts with Bacon sleeping over (he used to sleep with us until I felt very intruded upon- SO bought him his own bed) and visitation times (SO doesn't let BM take advantage of him nor set schedules only on her terms), reuniting with Alice (which brought out some intense jealousy in me because I felt like I was being replaced), SO has worked diligently to resolve those issues and maintain the sanctity of our relationship. Do any of you see any other things I should consider?
Thank you for reading my lengthy post!
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Comments
It sounds
like your situation is as close to ideal in a blended family as possible. Word from the semi-wise
: if you marry this guy...be on guard for BM's claws to come out. If you get pregnant, be prepared to do battle with BM. No one can explain this phenomenon ...it just happens that way.
Before you marry,buy a house, cohabitate with this man...use that college education and put a FIRM financial plan together. Think of EVERYTHING! Who pays for what? Will he have a separate checking account just for Bacon's expenses? I recommend having multiple bank accounts. One is a joint savings where you both put a set amount of money into...the other is a joint checking where you both contribute to the expenses of your lives together...third is an entirely separate account where he contributes from his paycheck only and doesn't use ANYTHING from the joint accounts, this account would be the Bacon account. THEN last but not least create an account for yourself on the side and bank money each month from your pay JUST IN CASE...
A firm agreement of how problems will be addressed should be created. Be open and honest about what you expect from this man and let him know ahead of time...that way if he can't meet your needs he can tell you before the "I DO"
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Hi Bitch Bitch Barbie (even writing that is great! lol)
Thank you so very much for your financial planning advice!! I had not thought of that aspect at all, multiple and separate checking accounts, and it sounds like one of the smartest things anyone could do for themselves. I was in a terrible marriage that, due to my lack of financial independence, forced me to stay much longer than I should have. I was simply stuck! and I think many, many people, women in particular, find themselves in that position. I will absolutely include that in my decision making if this relationship continues (or any for that matter!). Thank you!
18
18 years age difference is a big red flag. It may not matter to you now but down the road when he's in depends and you are out dancing it will cause issues. Anytime you have 2 Bm and 2 skds from different relationships you will have issues. Only you can decide it the relationship is worth it.
Hi Sparky
soooo...you did the math
Yes, 18 years is quite a nice chunk of time and there have been moments where I've resented the age difference. For example, I can't hold it against him for having almost two decades of a life before I came along, but I do sometimes selfishly wonder, "why couldn't you just wait for me to come around before you had kids and wives and all these experiences!!". Ridiculous, I know!
So far it's worked for us, but you are correct to point out, there are hardships under such terms.
Thank you!
11 years for me.
Sometime a man takes a little more time to mature IMHO. I usually tell people BF was stuck being 21 for several years and in that time I caught up with him. We will have been together 7 years in October. Usually the age gap only shows when he has first hand memories of political events or bands that I have only read about after the fact.
I agree with the separate checking accounts. I don't like any of my money going directly to SD16 so I highly recommend that one. One thing I've worried about having an older SO with a kid (SD16 in my case) is what will happen when we are older. I don't plan on having kids of my own, so I recently purchased a long-term care insurance policy. I don't expect or want SD taking care of me in my old age. I don't want or expect my nephews to either. With the age gap and the fact that women generally live longer, I expect I will outlive BF. So I bought this policy that will take care of me. By buying it young, it is much more affordable.
We also have life insurance policies that name each other as beneficiaries. He has other insurance policies that name SD16 as a beneficiary.
You already know that being a SP will be hard and you can see some of the potential pitfalls. Of course the best laid plans often go awry. So who knows how things will really work out with Bacon and Alice. The most important thing to secure from your SO IMHO would be a commitment that you and the marriage will always come first and a commitment to counseling before problems arise. Many of us can't get our SO to go to counseling now that problems have reared their ugly head.
Otherwise all you can do in a SP arrangement is to go in eyes wide open and hope for the best.
Hi BrutallyHonest
Thanks for your input. Could you tell me what IMHO means?
Your insurance policy plans sound very smart. Good for you. It puts a different spin on, "what's yours is mine, and my other kid's, and my other daughter's, and my other, other daughter's..."
I have a lot to lay out as far as making sure my SO and I are on the same terms but I feel confident that he will be responsive. I'm willing to compromise, especially because he alone means so much to me, but adding intellectual financial decisions to it is essential. Thank you, BH!
If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.
IMHO = in my honest opinion.
IMHO = in my honest opinion. Of it could mean something else entirly, my text skills fall well become the average teen.
my husband and I
have been together for almost 5 years...he's 45 and I'm 27. We party like teenagers occasionally and I've had my fill of partying solo and when he's "in depends" I'll be right by his side to nurse him
(that is unless I simply can't take anymore of BM and sd11) }:)
When I'm 70 and he's almost 90...it won't matter much who's older anyway
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
good fit!
Relationships with big age gaps can be an issue of their own, never mind adding a couple of step kids and additional parents. I'm so glad to hear that it's worked for you miss BBB!
I'm lucky in the sense that he is (mostly :D) mature and stable and he takes great care of himself. He's lucky that I'm so open minded! haha!! Pass the Depends, BBB!
Can't help who you fall in love with!
lol...my husband gets so upset
everytime we get a copy of AARP magazine...He's like, "I'm NOT 50...WHY are they sending this crap???" I just laugh and dread turning 30 }:)
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
...LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY..
If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.
hmm
Well, as you know I am new to this as well, but I will tell you how I feel. It sounds like the situation isnt too bad. But, as with all relationships I'm sure there will be plenty of ups and downs. Feelings of slight resentment, as i sometimes feel..
I know the how you must feel about the BM 'dumping' the child when she wants to go out. My fiance's ex does this, ALL THE TIME. I cant tell you how many times SD tells us how she slept over at the neighbors house, aunts house, etc. When we would have been so happy to have her. My fiance also has suspicions that BM might be up to no good. We know she goes out drinking, but think should could be doing drugs as well.
As I have realized, and you will too, if you decide to buy a home, get married, you are somewhat sharing the responsibility of 'Bacon.' I try not to let it change my finances, but in reality it does. I noticed myself buying clothes and toys and of course extra food and snacks, which really adds up. But it really is the BF and BM responsibility.
I know some people think we should RUN, but as I told DC Girl, YOU have to decide if this is a life time journey you want to commit to.
Hi Soon2Bstep
I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to not know what the hell goes on when you guys don't have your sd! Drugs?! Drinking?! Not a good scene. I certainly hope you can get more clarity and the situation won't escalate to severe BM drama.
I agree that sharing the responsiblity for Bacon is inevitable. I don't have my career planned out just yet and part of the worry is that I'll have to give up things I'd like to do for myself and ONLY with my SO because Bacon's needs will come first. I buy shirts and snacks and toys, too, but luckily, I haven't had any financial infringement. Yet!
I know I must decide. It's very difficult. Time is sort of running out. Thank you for helping me think things through!
very frustrating!
I know you are not faced with an easy decision, just try not to hold yourself back from something you really want to do. One thing that is good for me is, I have my career, I've been a lot of places, seen a lot of things, moved around.. I'm ready for a family right now. I'd hate to chat with you on here 5 years from now and find out that you have regrets. But, then again, we all take chances with love, right? Best of luck and I'm sure we will all have more advice to come!
Thoughts
Welcome, Misfit!
Sounds like your BF is a good guy and that he is considerate of you. Here are some thoughts.
Please continue to be VERY protective of yourself. Love is blind, as they say, and many people on this site have ended up "trapped" in marriages because they thought to themselves, "well, this isn't ideal, but I love him, I'm sure it will be okay." So. Please make a promise to yourself right now that if something doesn't feel quite right, do NOT push those thoughts away. Getting involved with someone who has an ex and kids is extremely complex.
Some warning bells that your post set off:
1) You are thinking of buying a house with him. Under NO circumstances should you do this before you are married (assuming you get married). Buying a house with someone is essentially buying into the financial commitments of marriage. If the relationship doesn't work out, it could be even more difficult in many ways to extricate yourself from the financial burden, because you don't have a legal contract of marriage to sever with a lawyer.
2) You are not so hot on the idea of financially supporting Bacon. Well, buying a house with your SO will seal the deal -- you WILL be financially supporting him, because part of the reason you are even discussing it is to "provide a home" for him. If you feel that you need to provide a home for him, rent a house. Please, Misfit, do not buy property with someone you're not married to. This is Financial Planning 101 -- ANY money consultant will tell you this. If you are nervous about being implicated financially -- which is totally normal -- then for God's sake, DON'T get any more financially involved! You need to take this very slowly.
3) You say that BM is decent, but that she's beginning to show jealousy regarding your relationship with Bacon. That is a huge red flag. I think it's very likely that the closer you get to BF, and the closer your relationship to Bacon is, the worse she will be. Especially if and when you and BF end up taking custody of the kid. It's not surprising that she's not absolutely awful yet: here are some of the things that will likely make her start acting worse -- which are still potentially in your future:
- The official end of the divorce
- If you two end up buying property together
- If either of the kids ends up spending substantially more time with you, especially the younger one
- When she finds out about your relationship with the older SD (remember, she doesn't know about this yet -- why do you think your BF is hiding it from her?!!)
- If you get married (this will likely send her into orbit)
- If and when you two decide to have kids (again, will probably make her nuts, and perhaps will make the kids jealous, too)
Like I said, these events in your relationship are still in your future. There are so many unknowns.
4) The divorce isn't final, which means that all the details of how the kids' visitation will go, child support, etc., are still not legally binding. Again, this is an unknown that could turn out in a number of different ways. DO NOT get more involved until you know exactly what you're dealing with. And even then, know that BMs often don't comply with what's in the decree, especially when they are mad.
5) The large difference in your age. This is not a deal-breaker, of course. However, there are always potential power dynamics in a relationship, and when the guy is much older, and has already "done" the family thing and gets involved with a much younger woman without kids, it's much more likely to create a situation in which the woman just "goes along" with things and then winds up living in HIS life, rather than the two of them creating a life together. Ask yourself whether that is happening/could happen. And then, wait 6 months, and ask yourself again. Seriously. Don't listen to yourself when you answer today -- after all, love is blind, remember. We often have little thoughts way down deep that we push away because they don't make us feel happy.
Ultimately, I think you need a LOT more time in this relationship to really see any further into the future than past the end of your arm. My advice? If you love this guy, sit tight, stick up for yourself, and don't do anything you aren't comfortable with -- for the health of your relationship.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
This is definitely a drawback of being with an older man....
"...However, there are always potential power dynamics in a relationship, and when the guy is much older, and has already "done" the family thing and gets involved with a much younger woman without kids, it's much more likely to create a situation in which the woman just "goes along" with things and then winds up living in HIS life, rather than the two of them creating a life together...."
You have to be a stubborn, strongwilled woman to deal with an older man and not let him walk over you. My husband has tried this many times in his "infinite wisdom" funny part is...I'm always the one who ends up being right. BUT you can't be passive and expect to survive marriage with a man nearly twice your age. The fact that I had a child already made it easier to deal with the whole,"you lived your whole life already and I'm just starting mine." I think it would be a lot harder to be with an older man if I didn't already have a son and if I hadn't decided a long time ago I never wanted to be pregnant again!
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
truth it is
There have been several instances where SO and I have argued on a point, which may or may not have had a right or wrong outcome based on our life experience and the decades we grew up in. I've seen more fun it in than inconvenience or heartache, but it's true that you can't always contribute wisdom to age.
I have to admit that I'm very, very lucky with my SO. He's ridiculously in tune with my feelings and concerns about the future and the difference in our experiences, holds little against me with my lack of, and is open minded and understanding when it comes to me figuring things out on my own. I've struggled, but he's come through on many occasions and not once tried to pose his "infinite wisdom" (I love that, by the way) on me. I'm actually surprised, as I read your comments, at how good our relationship is, but with that came the hefty price of stepparent-hood
Hi Miss Belle
Thank you for your very thorough examination! Very helpful of you
Let me add a few details to make the situation a bit clearer.
1. If we buy a house, and we are not married, I will not co-sign. He'll be responsible for it solely and I will contribute financially. This has a significant pro/con aspect. I won't be financially tied through property ownership but also, if shit hits the fan, I'm out on my ass in the blink of an eye. I can't speak with legal knowledge, but does that sound like a good idea? We've discussed this and he's comfortable with it. If I marry him, am I obligated to co-sign?
2. You are absolutely! right to say that buy a home with SO is financially supportive of Bacon. The homeowner idea is still blooming so it may take another two years or so to sort it out, but it's something I wanted to consider right now.
3. BM has shown trickles of jealousy and I've certainly done my part to blowing the fuse. Not directly at her, but SO has put up with some fussy fits from me because that woman can drive me crazy with her...stupidity! I'd like to say that BM is completely capable of handling the relationship Bacon and I develop, but when I try to put myself in her shoes, I can understand her frustrations. I have no problem being the bigger person because in the end, I know my SO stands up for me and doesn't allow disrespect from her. He has proven that in the past, so I have confidence in that aspect.
I'm expecting drama with the divorce. My own divorce is pending so SO must take fall out from that, as well, although no kids are involved. SO has discussed it with her already and she cooperates, willing to state an uncontested divorce. Of course, what she says and what she does can be totally different.
Bacon's BM (who we've been talking about thus far) does know about my relationship with Alice and has expressed jealousy over that as well. She never accepted Alice when she and my SO were together, so she is hurt that we've on good terms and she wasn't. Alice's BM is the one that has no idea of the relationship and I'm expecting drama with that, too. However I also think due to her age (16) her BM might not come full force. If SO and I do have children, that will be the toughest part.
You addressed so many of my concerns and so much more to think about. I definitely won't be making any permanent decisions in this relationship any time soon, so there's time to think, but it's coming up on a year and it's been tough (for other relationship reasons) so this is just one aspect of it all. Thank you, thank you for your opinion!
Misfit
Thanks for the clarifications -- So, there are TWO BMs (I had to read your blog again to get that). Eek. One more thing in the drama, right?
As far as you not signing on a house loan, definitely a good idea. If you are married, I don't think you HAVE to co-sign the loan, especially if you keep your bank accounts separate (and potentially your taxes). I would consult a bank loan officer on that. One thing I would say, though: say your BF buys a house, and you then kind of pay him "rent". I think I would talk to him about some sort of deal where you both sign a contract agreeing that if your relationship does not last and he sells the house, that you should get some sort of money back. Otherwise, you're his renter, and he is getting all the financial benefit of building up equity, etc. I don't know exactly what your arrangement would look like, but since he isn't your landlord but your BF, I would be careful to make an arrangement where you both come out as more or less equals in the house-buying arrangement. Otherwise, if you're paying him rent, that kind of contributes to the "he's in charge, and you're just living in HIS life" thing.
Just my thoughts.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
If you don't want to be on the loan
INSIST on being on the title. ESPECIALLY if you're contributing to the mortgage. That way he can't just put you on your ass if something goes wrong. You don't have to be on the loan to be on the title. Be very careful how you title the home as well. Some verbage on titles can state the stepkids get half the worth of the home if their parent living there dies. You don't want to fight with skids or bms in court if heaven forbid something happens to the man. Before you buy a house, educate yourself on the different ways to title the home.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
BBB and Belle
Ladies, your knowledge is so very appreciated. I already feel more confident and in control about the future. I needed that!
You have a winner
in your BF, that much is obvious. Which is good, because you will need a strong, invested relationship on both of your parts to weather the storms that will surely come your way.
I am extremely jealous of my Skids, yes I will admit it here because that is why we are talking to eachother like this. He calls me Sugar Bear and then turns right around and calls his daughters the same thing, and I just feel the green monster coming out, LOL...
But we are the adults, and those kids need raising with love. I am just telling you that every day you will need to wake up and reinvest your love, positive thoughts, whatever keeps you focused on your relationship with your BF.
I love my DH to pieces, but it sure would have been easier to date him until his kids were gone. It doesn't sound like that is much of an option for you, though, as your SS is so young. Good luck Misfit! Only you can decide if this man is your soulmate, and will add enough to your world to be worth all the trouble and heartache that will surely come your way.
Hi Lilly7!
Jealousy is my doppelganger! I haven't been around long enough to even imagine what full time Steps must go through, but the taste of it that I have had, has spun me out of my character several times.
When my SO "reconnected" with Alice we were just starting out our relationship as well and that shit HIT ME!! Lady it HIT ME UPSIDE THE HEAD!! I became so jealous that he would come home and first thing he'd do is check his email to see if she wrote, talk about her during dinner (even on Valentine's Day when we had already been stressed out he brought it up and I snapped), wonder and ponder and hope and dream and... all the beautiful and completely normal things a father would experience after not speaking to his kid for ages. But my brain took a long ass time to register that. He'd tell her how much he missed her and loved her and how important she was to him and I took this as a THREAT. The love he has for her is OBVIOUSLY completely different, but I just couldn't understand why I had to share! I felt so so ashamed of myself, so evil and inept of understanding love. I struggled immensely. He knew it and it bothered him but as he began to build a closer relationship with Alice, he also began to share with me all of his worries and fears, hopes and thoughts. That helped tremendously! I felt included and wanted and a part of something special and wonderful in his life. I was his partner in crime. Thankfully, it's stayed that way. Alice and I sometimes speak more openly than she and her dad do. I've been sort of the liaison between the two and it's been a privilege. I like to think that if there's any reason that I was supposed to come into these people's lives, it is to bring my SO and Alice closer together.
With Bacon there have been issues, too. When he first came to sleep over, he slept in our bed, and that for me felt so wrong. Not because he's a little boy and we're adults. I have no problem cuddling up and enjoying each other's company. But I saw our bed as our safe place, where we make love and nurture each other very intimately, and frankly, I didn't want to be sleeping (aka carefully making room for a kicking, drooling, rolling 4 year old boy who I hoped I wouldn't squash) next to a boy who was half a woman I had no desire to deal with. Not my kid, not my wish to share a bed. SO took it hard the first night, but again, we figured it out. He bought him a blow up mattress with his own Sponge Bob sheets and now when Bacon sleeps over, it's in his own bed right next to us. I can happily cuddle up to my man instead of getting personal with the wall. SO is careful not to put Bacon between us and as much as he can, considers and consults me before making any decisions about Bacon.
Those are the perks! I really like that you said, "But we are adults, and those kids need raising with love." Very true and very selfless.
Goodness
Apologies for the negative mood today.....
If I were 24, I wouldn't even consider this arrangement. He may be a gem...but there are also 25 year old gems that don't have crazy ex wifes, kids, etc.
Why can't you just date? Neither of your divorces sound final or far behind you. Enjoy life. Why are you signing up for a hard life?
Go read back for the last several months on these blogs, the same problems pop up over and over, you WILL have some of them.
I wish you the best. I hope you change your mind, dump the geezer and take a year off to travel. Find some sweet thing your age and play footsie in the sand...
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
well poop on me, AllSmiles :P
Thank you for your healthy dose of the other side, AllSmiles! YES! I need it!
So much in what you say makes perfect sense! Why am I even considering getting into this? Why do I spend any mental energy trying to figure this out? Why bother with other people's kids when I've had no input on their existence from the beginning!?
But then again, can we all say that we're just here because we've made a "bad choice"? We "tricked" ourselves into it, we "fell for it"? I'd hate to think that. Surely there have been some good times, even though for many, not enough to outweigh the bad, but if life is really what you make it, then why do many of us never move on?
What keeps us here then? What makes it worthwhile? I'd say if it wasn't this, the step-parenthood dilemma, there'd be something else.
BUT..and it's a big one..I've certainly considered leaving all this behind me. I haven't invested as much as many of you have, your lives, your time, money, love, ego, selflessness, romance, travel; it goes on and on. If you want to smack me for this, I give you permission, but.. I'm here cuz.....wait for it, I know it will shock you..................................I love him.
Aghhhh!!! There's no bigger Catch 22 than love itself, that damned thing.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, there are plenty of single, non-restricted, childless, baby-mama-drama-less men out there to woo me. I've met them. They're great and an island vacay does sound tempting! But.. I love him.
I will take your advice and hang out here with all you troopers, exploring and learning. I'm in no rush to settle down with him and there are many other aspects of the relationship that complicate things, so time will tell, but I thank you for your input. No harm in thinking of the other side
sorry if i repeat..
i dont have time right now to read all the responses, but i just got married a month and a half ago and i can tell you i had more what if questions than ever possible! I came on this site and asked similar questions! should i stay?, and most times they told me to run. and even though im glad i didnt, any of my friends who meet guys with kids, i tell them run!!!!!!!! there are too many guys with out to enter the hell world of step parenting, as some one posted, in most cases these bm have a switch that is flipped by you entering the picture and their jealousy and insecurities over ride any type of rational thought process (or to think of the child first) and they seek to make your life hell and dh's. However, with great communication and a SO who is willing to put your needs first, this is what is important, and because my dh does this with me, we have an amazing relationship......even though when we had been married for only 3 weeks bm filed to try and get full custody, things change when you get married. it seems first they try to get rid of you and then when they cant they try to make you as miserable as their pathetic lives are.
im now married, 27 with a college education no children to an amazing man that is only two years older than me and has a 4yo son. We have been together about 2 years. we moved in with one another after knowing each other 4 months, but were engaged at 2 months. So ive known ss since he was 2. Bm has always been a jealous freak and tried to control our life. all of a sudden she realized what he walked away from and hated that ss had another "mom" type figure in his life. We have 50/50 custody, so i am a huge part of ss's life.
I can tell you that this last year has been hell! I have gone over every what if question, and made dh answer them on top of it! what if bm takes us to court? will you drain our bank account to pay for a lawyer? will you spen our savings for a new house on fighting her so that we are stuck in this crappy apartment? What if ss goes down the wrong path because bm is a crappy mother, are you going to financially bail him out all the time? dui's knocking up a girl, etc... what if bm brain washes ss, will you feel guilty and allow him to treat me badly because you know its bm's doing and hes an innocent bystander...etc etc. I made dh answer them and nailed down things that i was and was not okay with.
I was eaten up inside and seriously was going crazy. for me the bottom line is, imagine the worse. can you deal with it? because potentially thats what it will be, will you still love your dh, will you stand by his side, go through ups and downs to stick it out and in the end be happy with your life? I can tell you after asking all the what if's...like i said 3 weeks after we got married, she filed to take us to court, she wants money and since we have 50/50, she has to go after full custody to get more money because she is too lazy to get a job...or life has been a huge stress ball. My dh has stick to his word though! we are not going to pay for a lawyer, and go back in to debt, and we will see what happens. I go to sleep every night next to the man i love more than anything in the worls, and his several calls a day just to tell me im beautiful and he loves me, are well worth the stupid annoyance of bm, her antics are no match for our love for each other...or my love for my ss either!
everyone told me to stop asking what if, but really you do need to ask SO what if and figure out if your on the same page, because if not you can go meet some one with out the baggage and not deal with all the stress of step parenting!
sniffle
smnikki, you made me cry. I hope my fiance and I can make it work through all this, as you two are doing!
Off the subject but, we have 50/50 custody also and we have court in 2 weeks for CS. Any advice for me?
well for us...
we are not realy worried.
bm barely has a high school education, and i have a BA in business, and at one point studied law, thinking i was going to attend law school since we are very good friends with people on the board at USC. but i decided that was too much for me because some day i wanted to be at home with my children since my mother was a workaholic. I have typed up and printed out so much stuff its crazy! my leagal jarrgon and writing skills will for sure not go un noticed when the judge reads our statement, and it will not be surprising if dh and i are awarded full custody, because i have been able to prove that she is mentally un stable for ss. also, bm's statement is filled with lies, and it is so obvious that she is doing it because we are now married, shes jealous, and she actually states that her dissability is running out so she should have full care of ss to get money from dh to live.
we talked to a nasty nasty lawyer that most lawyers in our county will not even take a case aginst him, he informed us that in CA, if you are awarded 50/50 it is almost impossible to change it, and we have nothing to worry about.
also, bm is an idiot, and thinks dh has deep pockets, lol, he makes half of what she thinks he does, so actually she had kicked her self in the butt because not only will she not get full custody and we will be able to put in writing things to keep her in control better, but because she gets only 120 less on dissability than what dh makes a month, and ss4 daycare is paid by the state, we will end up paying her NOTHING!!! i cant wait!!!
good luck! its just so sad that these women are able to do this crap, and in the end, if we are happy with dh and our relationship surrvives the hurdles...the only ones that suffer the craziness is the kids!!! why cant these bm's see that?
I know, its so frustrating
I know, its so frustrating that some BM's just cant get along. It makes me sick actually...And with 50/50 custody I dont see why he has to pay cs or even go to court. He pays for daycare, when she is there, and will start paying for medical benefits in January. (right now sd's benefits are paid by the state.) But, in addition we provide, food, clothes etc. What more does she want?
Sounds like you are prepared for court. Best of luck!
well
they expect our dh's to support them because they gave him a child...in our case it wasnt by choice. bm got pregnant when she was supposedly on birth control. I swear if guys knew what happens to them if they have children with women they dont want to be with, it would be the best birth control ever!
for us, the thing that sucks is that even though bm has a bf who she cheated on my dh with and now lives with,she is still obsessed with us (mainly obsessed with everything about me, it weird) and our life. This woman truly has no life, no job, no education, no real friends, and i think her bf is soooo over her that she feels like even if she is fighting with my dh she at least feels like some one cares enough about her to fight with her. Honestly, things have gotten worse since my dh has disengaged from her and doesnt answer her calls and what not...she is just determined to go as far as it takes to get some kind of attention or reaction from my dh....its just so sad!
hello SMNikki
I have to say... I'm going to print out your post and use it as a draft to form my questions. What you've shared is absolutely phenomenal. I already drown my SO in questions, but before we commit permanently, I'm dropping some more on him. Verbatim of what you wrote! Things I didn't even think about asking.
I am so glad that your marriage is happy and fulfilling. Sounds like you've already had your share of stress and drama, yet you've stood your ground and you're reaping benefits. That makes me smile.
From what I've read on these forums, it's all a rollercoaster ride and it's great to have a partner that stands by you. I wish you both THE BEST of everything! And of course a belated Congrads!!
I try to think that everyone has baggage, so to find someone without kids and baby mamas is to find someone with other problems. God knows I bring my share to the table and my SO has taken a few blows. In order to be fair and good to him, I need to make a decision on whether I stay or go. I'm on one those "on the fence" women that doesn't actually ever get off. I need to for the sake of this relationship. Thank you for your happy story. I look forward to reading more about your experiences.
thank you
we actually got married in jamaica to avoid drama! our wedding was amazing and i wish i would have married dh a year ago because he has really made me proud of how great of a husband he is!
but, i would not take back the year we waited for one reason...i got to ask all those what if questions, and i got to see if he kept his word to what he said he was going to do if occasions arrised.
honestly, my mother in law makes bm look like a saint! and that was one of our biggest problems. he didnt want to see that she truly is satan! she would do something horrible, and the say sorry (half azz most the time) and he would say, oh this time she really learned her lesson! satan didnt pull the whool over my eyes! I would ask him my what ifs...what if she does blah blah, guess what, crazy can only act normal for so long and i called it every time, dh did exactly what he said he was going to do, because he knew what i expected and what he had promised to me when i asked him, what if?
Also, when you talk to SO, one thing that has really helped dh and i, is that we sat down, and i told him, "i love ss and i will never do anything that is not in his best interest", and asked dh if he knew this whole heatedly. then with that being established, we are able to put our relationship above all else because we know that at all times we are doing whats best for ss. We have enough battles to fight and if we are not a united front we will lose!
good luck! and if you ever want to pm me feel free! also, if you want to pm me we can "meet" on facebook..