Resenting a child?
From my experience, when I feel like DH is taking sides with his daughter (not often at all) is like I resent taking care of her, I'm not affectionate at all, let alone loving.
When I feel that he is putting me and our marriage first, and that he shows her that we are a team, I happily provide my love, energy and time for her. Is like, I automatically feel like since we are taking care of her as a "team", I should put my part. NO RESENTMENT or anything, it just feels like a healthy family to me.
Advice for Biological Fathers (although not many of those around here) and maybe bio moms: If you want your spouse to NOT RESENT taking care of your child, and to love your child more, try putting her (or him) first, try to discipline AND take care of the child as a TEAM, make her/him part of BOTH, and never ever take sides with your bio child because that will definitely make her/him feel like they are 2nd class citizens, which leads to resentment.
In more specific words: The more loving, caring and supportive DH is with me, the more loving I am with SD5.
Just a thought...
- Gia's blog
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Wow
That is so wrong in so many levels.
First of all, the only REQUIREMENT that any spouse should have to the other spouse when it comes to biokids, is to 1) NOT HURT THEM (which includes both physically and emotionally) which wouldn't make sense by itself because you can live in a house, pretty much IGNORING a child and still respect this rule. You can see a child drowning and since you didn't push him/her to the pool, you didn't hurt him/her, you let him/her drown. Therefore, the second one is needed:
2) Contribute to the general well being of the child. This means you DID marry a person with a child, you might not have legal requirements to the child, but if you want to have a the basics of a healthy family you should comply with this rule, by helping your partner take care of the child. For instance, the child is sick, your partner is not home, common sense and courtesy, will make you provide medicine, attendance, etc... to the child.
Those things provide a general balance. not just NOT hurting the child, but also somewhat taking care of him/her
Those major things MUST be a requirement, actually, those things are common sense that most of us as humans possess.
Other than that, I disagree with any THREATS.
"if I cannot treat her as my own and be close with her that he will have to end our marriage". How can I begin to describe all the nonsense that those words imply?... Ok, NO ONE can force another person to FEEL a certain way. That is just not possible, or at least not solely based on a threat. You can "pretend" to feel a certain way, which is what you might end up doing if you really want to preserve your marriage.
The second DH started to say that phrase to me, I would be leaving him without even letting him complete the sentence. No way I would stay in my marriage under a threat like that.
He should have put his "sensitive hat" on and used his "objective mirror door" to ask "WHAT IS GOING ON?" as in, what is REALLY going on here? By telling you that you either feel his daughter as your own or he will end the marriage he is making you resent this chid BIG TIME!!! Because of two things: 1) he is puting his daughter's needs FIRST and 2)he is not putting your needs second, he doesn't even have your needs in mind!
Oh my Goodness Gia
You have just put in to words that I have been struggling to articulate for the last few years. I never understood why I felt the way I felt sometimes, but your post just clarified so much for me.
I'm glad it helped you!
I just sat back and analyzed my behavior patterns and how the way I act with SD5 is 99.9% related to the way DH acts with ME. Which is the main difference between a stepkid and a biokid.
And I wish I could provide this simple yet useful insight to some crazy biodads out there, that openly admit that their wife comes second, and yet expect her to genuinely love and care about their child...
(No subject)
I feel exactly the same way...
When DH and I are getting along and everything is good, we work as a team regarding the SD's (12 and 15). But when DH doesn't like something that I say regarding the spawns he will say things like, "You don't have kids so you don't have any idea how to raise them."
Can I just tell you how that pisses me off?? Especially since I am not "allowed" to have any children of my own because God forbid his little a**hole daughter's have to be jealous of a new baby!!
When DH puts me first, I feel good and like we are a team in taking care of/making decisions for/disciplining the kids. But when he kisses their asses when they are acting like spoiled brats it makes me want to puke and believe me, it shows! I get extremely annoyed and want to choke them.
If I had only known what I was REALLy getting myself into, I would have NEVER gotten married!!
Love
I think this also highlights another point though...
I completely understand what you ladies are saying and writing... but I think it's also a big issue for most step-moms. (And BM over here by the way).
It sounds like a lot of people relate to the child based on the husband. I get the WHY of it. The child wouldn't be in your life, if it wasn't for the husband / boyfriend / significant other.
But can you see how that is also somewhat destructive to the parent / child relationship - whether it is a step or not?
If I can - without sounding holier than thou - I would truly suggest trying to relate to the child as an individual entity.
When people have children, or even nieces and nephews... they relate to the child as a "person" . In my own uneducated opinion. When a bio father or bio mother takes out on a bio child their bad feelings toward the other parent... does that make it right? Understandable - YES ABSOLUTELY. BUT we would probably be telling them "It's your child!! Don't let your bad feelings toward your wife / husband / ex get in the way of your relationship with your own child!". The same thing with a niece or nephew. We can think our siblings are completely off their rocker and would never think to take that behavior out on our niece and nephew... it's not their fault their parent is a dink!
For your consideration, I'd like to suggest trying to take your significant others OUT OF THE PICTURE. And again, I fully get that the kid wouldn't be in your life without the SO.
Relate to the kid like a kid and not an extension of your SO.
I have written before on here how sometimes I feel that orphans and strangers children would get treated better than some stepchildren.
THIS IS NOT WRITTEN SPECIFICALLY TO ANY OF YOU LADIES. It is just my own personal observation and thoughts on the matter.
It's also a catch 22... If you treat the kid better... sometimes the DH follows suit by treating you better.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I understand, and somewhat agree....
Ok, I will put it like this, If DH and I divorce I would definitely want to have a relationship with SD5, and be there for her. Which leads me to think that I am not involve with her solely because of her dad, so that (at least in my case) does not apply.
If I fight with DH about some random thing, I DO NOT resent SD5, I do not get mad at her either.
Now, the difference between the stepkid and a biokid is that with your biokid (or adopted) you feel this natural/legal responsibility, like you either created this child, or legally chose to make him/her yours, therefore you MUST take care of him/her.
With a stepkid there is no such thing, most of the stepparents don't meet the stepkid as a newborn or baby, usually as a kid or teenager, which is pretty much a child that has been parented with other beliefs and techniques (or lack thereof). So we have this kid that we just met, that we don't like the way he/she acts because I wouldn't teach my own kid that, that we don't have feelings for, AND that represents the past of the person we love with a person THEY LOVED.
uhm, so yeah, it is totally different. AND if on top of all that you put the fact that you have to deal with your spouse putting this child first, guilt parenting, and not being supportive of you, then you have a recipe for resentment.
With a biokid that scenario just doesn't happen, you both love this child equally, and there is no doubt from any of the parties that the other party genuinely cares about the child's well being.
The resentment comes when women are treated as babysitters AND on top of that they don't get their husbands' support.
You cannot pretend to put the child "just as if he or she were your own" because the truth is, they are NOT! and dealing with a blended family is different than an intact family. There are things that work with one but not the other.
A niece or nephew does not involve the person we married (and his/her past), which is a huge thing, and totally different relationships that cannot be compared.
I just wanna claify that I do not "change" my behavior or feelings towards SD5 on a daily basis, depending if DH woke up being supportive or not, it is more like an overall vision. Ultimately I can only speak about my own experiences, DH is extremely supportive of me, and I can't imagine him not being like that. I openly tell DH that I don't feel SD as my own, but I love her, and treat her the same as my son. The reason why I don't see her as my daughter is because she already has a mother in her life whom she loves and I totally respect that. But I will be here for her, and want to help my husband parent her.
Hey Gia!!
Like I said, my response wasn't directed at you... And I did want to point out that EXACTLY what you wrote you will probably find on any natural bio parent / "mother" board on here and that is...
"The resentment comes when women are treated as babysitters AND on top of that they don't get their husbands' support."
How many wives say that about their own husbands with their own kids!!
I do think a lot of it has to do with the SO's past... that is exactly right. And that's why I think you are right that these children represent something more significant to us as stepmoms. I think it's very dangerous though to keep looking at a stepchild as a reminder of someone once loved. In my case, at least... it helps that I know that DH can't stand BM. So I don't look at her like "Ohhh DH loved BM!!" I look at her like "UGH This poor freakin' kid has THAT for a mother!!" ha!!
But I guess, I don't mean for people to just say "Oh yeah, I love these like they are my own." I didn't really mean that. What I meant was, I think for just about every relationship we have, we need to take it at face value on it's own, as opposed to how that person came into our life. See if there's anything there that we can build on instead of constantly seeing that person as an extension of the other. And then decide if we want to keep it, or disengage from it or whatever.
And again... I didn't mean that toward you... but I truly hope it's another viewpoint that helps someone else.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
My guess is...not many...
"How many wives say that about their own husbands with their own kids!!"
I'm sure there are wives that don't have the support of their husbands, but the feeling is different because as the mother of your child you don't feel like a babysitter because you have a responsibility towards that child, and you DO have a say when it comes to decisions about the child. When it is a stepchild, you don't have the "feeling of responsibility" but you are still somewhat "forced" to do a lot for the child AND on top of that you hae NO SAY whether the child gets a haircut or not, which school the child should attend, etc... basically a babysitter, taking care of a child without having anyone care about your opinion.... So yeah, totally different...
Yes, I understand... I guess I wrote what I wrote
Because that's BM's problem over here with SD.
BM over here is relating to SD partly based on her feelings about her ex-husband (my DH) and also based on what SD's counselor referred to as a "Lot of pain". BM's problem here is that she is ignoring her own part in her bad relationship with her own daughter. And how her bringing her own baggage into that relationship is hurting it.
I know it's normal to bring all of our baggage into each and every relationship, including children's... and I do get that some kids are "pit bulls" that weren't trained properly.
So then... do you suggest "disengagement"... because then the wife doesn't get bit? And when do you make that call? How much do you try? When they are little, I'm guessing more, because they are little?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Hmmm
You disagree with me? ok, but I just don't see how that is related to what I was saying, Crayon?
It may have sounded like that Crayon...
But I wasn't saying "just be nicer to his kids and everything will be ok"
What I was saying was... Take that child for what he / she is and not an extension of your boyfriend / husband / SO.
There is a middle ground, you are right. And the only true way I think you can achieve it is by looking at the child as an individual and not putting all of our relationship baggage on it. Then you can judge the child for what they are... a truly spoiled brat, manipulative and cunning. Or, simply a child, normal for their age? Spoiled? And deal with them that way.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I think with Droopy... that's one of the saddest things of all..
You see what he COULD be... and what he's becoming. It's very sad to me, because, as you have stated, you have 2 grown, successful adults under your belt. DH has none. Being social can only account for so much! How many really really great people do we all know that COULD have the world by the tail, if they would just get out of their own way??
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Relating to the kid
is a great idea but what if you try that and you just find out the kid sucks. I know he's just a kid but really if I took my DH out oft he equation I'd never want to deal with SS at all.
I think for myself reminding myself that SS is a package deal with DH is the only reason I put up with so much when it comes to SS
Exactly MissAngie
The thing is... you've made that realization, I believe by looking at the child's behavior standing alone. Not looking at the child's behavior through both your eyes and your relationship with your DH. You'd feel that way whether you and your DH are getting along, not getting along, together or not. That's exactly my point.
You found out this kid is a little more messed up than you really want to deal with, and you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and working with him for the sake of your husband. Instead of disengaging from a kid you don't really care about, you are working at it to work on your marriage.
Although I have to say, in my opinion your little SS has some severe emotional issues that need to be addressed. From what you describe, I would be afraid of that child NO MATTER WHO he was related to. IF SS WAS YOUR OWN BIO CHILD and acted the same way... you'd still be afraid right? It wouldn't make it any better!
And I don't know... we are all pretty compassionate I think. If you saw that child from afar, and saw another couple dealing with it... wouldn't you empathize with the woman, and then with the child? Wouldn't you be like... Wow, poor kid is crying out for help and seriously needs it before he ends up in jail?
I honestly think for you Dear Miss Angie, that kid's answers are not to be found on here... I think they need to be found in a psychiatrist's office, or at the very least a therapists office. They say that mental illness can show up in very young children and I'm afraid that your poor SS sounds like he has mental illness...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I think that is another
issue, and obviously what I said it is only the "basics" of not resenting the child. Having 100% your husband's support and love doesn't assure that you will never resent the child.
You might have a very difficult, bad behaved child, or a child that doesn't like you, etc... those cases require other posts. And I can only speak for myself, I have a pretty good relationship with SD5, and under no circumstances would I want her out of my life completely. Regardless of her bad behavior sometimes. I do have hope that our relationship will be as good as she grows up, and she will be able to see everything I did for her throughouther life and feel grateful.
If you don't really like your stepkid, that is a whole different story, but even like that, it would be so much easier to deal with if your H supported you. *I would think*
I NEED TO CLARIFY
Once again.
Getting alone well or bad with DH does not affect my behavior/feelings towards SD5...
But knowing that OUR marriage comes first, and having him show it to me everyday DOES influence a lot.
Example 1: If we argue about *INSERT SUBJECT HERE* is not like I get mad at SD, let alone resent her.
Example 2: If I feel that he puts her FIRST for one second, I would definitely resent her, because is like she is occupying a place that its for me, the wife.
Example 3: If I feel that he is supportive about my decisions in regard to SD5, and that he puts this marriage first, No resentment whatsoever...
STICK: "You'd feel that way whether you and your DH are getting along, not getting along, together or not. That's exactly my point."
Once again, it is NOT (I REPEAT) NOT! about getting alone or not, it is about *knowing* DH supports YOU over anything else in the world that makes the difference (for me)
Thanks
I want to print this and hand it to my husband.