a newbie needs an opinion, please!
Hi Everyone! Thank goodness a friend of mine emailed me link to this forum. I need an opinion!
My husband is in the hospital having an open-heart surgery. His son, my step son Eduardo, he is 16, we have him every two weeks; he's just called me from his basketball game saying " tonight my mom will drive me to the hospital to visit my dad". before I realized I was screaming NOOOOOO! Step son said Why not, what's wrong with that. I said: everything is wrong with that, your mom is the last person in the world who your dad wants to see right now! He said, you’re so rude. It's my dad and it's my life, I am going there with my mom. I said, listen you are not going to visit my husband tonight, I will call the hospital right now.
He hangs up and sure enough his mother was calling me in a blink of an eye saying how could I call his father "my husband" and how could I say to him he couldn't go. And then she goes: it was inappropriate and rude to talk to a child like you did, we are being so unfortunate to have you around.
What???
They are divorced for 4 years, and separated for 8. Eduardo lived with her before divorce was final, and then by court order they got that fifty fifty custody. We are married for almost two years, and we don't have kids together. My two kids (twins) are grown up and on their own. This kid drives me nuts, and so his mother does. The kid is a "good" kid, but he's full of sh&^%$#t. I had no idea what I was getting into before we got married. We dated for 9 month, and we didn’t move together until after honeymoon. Wouldn’t that be a good idea to have a stepparenting class?
Did I really sound so rude and heartless? I feel guilty .
I will appreciate any opinion and input. Thank you for listening.
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I just want to add that my
I just want to add that my friend (she is a doctor) agrees that I was rude...I don't feel I was... I was protecting my husband, he almost died because of his heart condition before surgery. Is that what he needs - to see his ex in his hospital room?? I am pretty much sure that she is clapping her hands and smiling about what happened to my husband, she hates him. I think she really wanted to go to see how bad he was. Otherwise it is our time with Eduardo here, I am driving to the hospital every day , he is more than welcome to come any time he wants too.
Your stepson did a good job
Your stepson did a good job telling you off.
GOOD FOR HIM!!!
Honestly goodenuf
I think it was rude to tell the son he wasn't allowed up there. I would definitely understand your not wanting his ex-wife up there, but the son has a right to see his father. Maybe you could have said "You are welcome to come see your father, but your mother will not be allowed to enter his room, she will have to wait in the waiting room for you. Your father doesn't need any added stress at all." You could have then made it clear to the nursing staff that she causes him stress and you and he prefer that his ex-wife be restricted from visiting. Please apologize to that boy and tell him you did not want to keep HIM from seeing your husband, only his mother.
"If your going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" -Rodney Atkins
I agree
That was pretty harsh. An apology is definitley in order
Well, these things happen...
Well, you are under a lot of stress as well. I agree with the rest, tell you SS that you didn't want his mom in there, but that it was fine for him to visit his dad. My DH's ex-wife is a crazy whacko that would try something like this just to simply stress the man out even more if he was sick and in the hospital. She is flat out evil. Anyhow, the kid should go see his dad, but the ex-wife, unless they are still friends (it happens) should NOT see him especially when he is trying to recover. Neither you nor him need her added stress. Don't be too hard on yourself, we're all human. I believe the saying is, "To err is to be human".
Thank you for the
Thank you for the opinions.
I have to add, Eduardo )my step) has never been to the hospital yet, and it is 10 day since husband is there. Every single day I say, Ed, how about visiting you dad today? He continuously puts the visit off because of heavy schdule in his sport club, with all kind of activities and even a brief trip to canada.
That pulled the trigger yesterda, I said to him; com'on already, listen, it's your father, can you cancel the game tonihgt? he said, no i cannot. so he left and then called me saying he goes there with his mom.
I am really stressed out, we went through a lot lately.
p.s. We had some issues with his driving record, he is not driving at this time. the Hs is asross the street)
Goodenuf
Yes, you do need to apologize to your stepson. But please know that it is because you are under a lot of stress as well and you are coping as best as you can. So you may just want to say, I'm sorry, but I'm really protective of your dad right now because I"m so worried about him. After all, it shouldn't matter at all WHO takes your stepson to see his dad... just that he gets there.
As far as BM, I'm going to disagree a bit with everyone else saying that BM cannot go in the room. And I have stated this before.
It's often in times of tragedy that people put aside their differences and come together. Whether we like it or not, our husbands were married before and more often than not, married out of love, had children with these women. I can understand you not wanting to place stress on your husband. But really, if BM just wanted to take their son up to his room and give her regards, who does that hurt? YOU? HIM? If she is just bringing their child, I don't see who (except for the new wife) gets hurt by that. I might even venture to say that the husband would appreciate knowing that his ex cares enough to see him.
I get it. I get all of the gray area. But I am telling you the truth, and nothing that I wouldn't be practicing if this situation were happening to me. I would let my husbands ex wife visit him in the hospital, if just for a moment, if even only 1 time until he said NO, NOT ME... HIM.
Please don't let your own insecurity get in the way at this time. But again, please don't beat yourself up... you have a LOT on your plate.
Best wishes to you and your husband. I hope he gets better soon!
Goodenuf part 2 - sorry one more thought....
Maybe this would put it in better perspective. You are in the hospital for 10 days - contemplating the fact that you were so ill, you had to stay in the hopsital for 10 days, and very possibly could have lost your life.
You get a visit from an ex where the relationship ended very poorly.
Does that stress you out? Or does that give you some small good feeling that even though things ended badly, the person still cared enough to visit you?
NOT EVERYTHING bad that BM's do is a manipulation, or ploy. NOT EVERYTHING bad that happens in step relationships are the result of the divorce.
Please... think about this and what you have said to your stepson. You have in a small way let him know that his mother is not a good relationship, healthy for his father.
I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. And I am sorry to lay this at your door right now.
I would not consider what you did "rude"
I agree with above posters that YOU, TOO are under a lot of STRESS. And, I think that's the problem with a lot of these situations. We beat ourselves MERCILESSLY every time we "ruffle someone's feathers".....do these people care if they are adding to YOUR STRESS? I think not.
I would just let things lie. IMO, you owe NO ONE an apology for being HUMAN and letting your emotions come out.
Remember, take care of YOURSELF, too. It seems like you will still have a long road ahead of you once he comes home and you are caretaking once again. GOOD LUCK!! AND DON"T BEAT YOURSELF UP!!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Kitty kat - thank you for
Kitty kat - thank you for the kind words, I needed them...:)
And thanks to everyone for the inputs, it means a lot to have support.
I agree with Crizzle
in that you should apologize for not letting him go up there, and make it clear to him that he can go see his dad any time he wants, but BM will have to wait in the waiting room for him.
he knows he can go anytime
he knows he can go anytime he wants, with me. He didn't show any desire though, until his mom said she'll take him.
My husband was accused by his ex (who was cheating on hom for two years, and he found out), being backed up by her boyfriend, in child abuse (molestation), and my husband was facing 15 years in prison. She robbed him when he was out of the house taking $150 000 in cash from the safe, it was all dh had that time, and then she filed the divorce using this money. Good thing dh has family support, my mmother-in-law borrowed the money to cover his legal fees, then she took all the experncieve equipment, his hunting ruffles and clothes. Shortly after dh's private investigator found out that ex's boyfriend payed off his martgage with one big chunk of 100 000 buks, he is a high school drop out and live on 6 forster kids income, no, we don't know for sure, but he never worked. he got married some years ago, got all these kids and got divorced
But anyways, my husband's deeply hurt by her., it was a miracle that the charges were dropped, b/c of lack of evidence.
If she was going there, she was up to no good. She new what she was doing claiming him as a child molestor.
Frankly, both I an DH think his heart attac followed that divorce and what she's done to him.
Goodenuf - if that's the case,
Then I would let Stepson know that due to issues that he may or may not know about, that you don't think it would be in his father's best health interests to let BM see him. However, Son is able to go anytime he wants.
The thing is - if Stepson doesn't know about any of this... all HE sees is that he wants to see his dad with his mom, and SM is saying no. He doesn't understand THE WHY. The kid could be being manipulated, if that's truly what you think it is, as much as your DH in the past.
He is old enough to know some of what happened, in my own opinion. I would let him know enough so that he can realize that BM may not be the best presence for his dad.
You are in a tough spot. If you don't tell SS then it looks like you are denying Stepson the chance to see his father in the hospital, accompanied by his mother. If you do, you could have hell to pay from the BM. But at this point, so what? She's done more than enough, and if you are telling the truth, then you can't be hurt. It's her actions that will have done her in with her own son.
Do you think that son doesn't care about his dad so much that he would do that to him? Does the son know anything going on?
Stick - thanks for wishing
Stick - thanks for wishing us all the good things, thank you for your inputs and good thoughts.
margo - goodenuf
Eduardo does care about his
Eduardo does care about his dad. In fact he told me awhile ago, we were sitting having some ice-cream on the porch, he said (and I was surprised that he opened his heart to me), he said: Margo, you know, it was not right that my mom tried to take my father away from my life. I thought Wow, he is really growing up.
He didn't want to go because he doesn't belive or realize his dad has a life threatening condition. He is also severely brainwashed by his mom and her boyfriend; besides because he is a teenager who lives in some different demension. He is involved in sports and he counts evry point they give to him when he attends the games and events, b/cause his mother spent his collage fund as well on her legal fees or whatever; she just took the money my husband invested in since stepson's birth. He doesn't hate his father, and yes he knows about a lot of what was going on between his parents. My husband and my step son have pretty good relationship.
The problem I am facing biological mother hates me, and I am so tired of this hate. She is like a poison/. I always wanted to help my husband to raise the boy, but no matter what I do right or wrong -it's always my fault. And step son is not shy complaining about me right and left, even about things that have nothing to do with him. When my kids came to visit, and we all went to the fair, the step son was calling my mother-in-law (his grandma) how I "baby" my older son who is 23. I overheard and I said, I don't have to "baby" him, I love him he is my son and I missed him. Sure enough ed's mother calling me the very next day : how could you say to Eduardo that that was your son, you hurt his feelings1 You let him know that you love your son more than him. I lost it, I said to her, I do.
Too much of everything, and I get tired of being accused in wrongdoing. I cant (sorry) pass gas without Ed's commenting to his mom and her mother about it. You know what I mean. No privacy at my home.
Sorry but I disagree
She didn't say no the son couldn't go she just said BM couldn't be there. Sure it could have been worded better but she can just explain it to Eduardo that she didn't feel comfortable with BM being there and as DH's new husband that is her right and that if Eduardo want to visit that he is more then welcome to
I know I could word it
I know I could word it better, I started to panic because he didn't ask me he just said :we go, and was ready to hang up.
I do stupid things lately and I do say stupid words.
I did apologize to my step son, by the way. It is icy here, he goes to his mom while his dad is in the hospital.It was their decision, I said o.k., sure.
I don't want to be their or his enemy, why it is always turns this way?
my 2 cents
Every family is different. But in my case the BM wouldn't be allowed to visit DH and this would be my DH's wish along with mine. BM could certainly drive SS ( or in my case SD) to the hospital and offer SS/SD her support but that's as far as it goes. Our extended family does not include BM because of her past actions.
Glynne