Skid causes more fights
DH and I have more fights when Severus is with us than any other time. In fact, every fight we have is about him. Last night, DH got mad I was going to have Severus wash dinner dishes by hand (I didn't go to the store for soap). He thinks its too hard and I am just trying to punish him all the time. I said I washed dishes by hand my entire childhood and it didn't kill me and this isn't punishment. Its fact, we don't have dishwasher soap. I didn't feel like going out of my way to go to the store to make life easier for a child who doesn't even try and that I would pick some up at the weekend.
This turns into a big fight which ends with DH saying that he and his boys are a family and if I want in it I had better shape up. I countered with DD2 and I are his family (the one that is with him 24/7 and made a commitment to him) and the boys are welcome to join it but they have to fit in with us, not the other way around.
I can't figure out what the deal is. The only thing DH brings up is that I refuse to take the boys back (3 hr round trip) to BM's on Sunday's. He acts like if I refuse to do that, then I do nothing in regards to them. I explained that I take on the "female" mothering role with them. I do laundry, cook, attempt to give structure, keep track of their schooling, etc.
I just can't see where to go from here, except to disengage entirely and refuse to do any of it. Just take care of DD2 and I and let him have his "family".
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Comments
DH is a moron
Asking a child to wash dishes is not a capital offense. I think that is very reasonable. But I grew up in a large family and had chores thus allowing me to grow up into a mature responsible adult. I was not part of the whiny entitled generation crippled by Divorced Parent guilt syndrom.
I wish I had good advice. It sounds like DH thinks you are picking on his skids but it sounds like you are asking them to do normal chores. Also, why should you drive 3 hours to BM's house? How did that get to be your job?
Is counseling out of the question? Is DD2 his? If so, how can he say she is not his family? His attitude is very distructive to a marriage.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Counseling is out
The last time I brought that up, he said he would rather get a divorce. Yes, DD2 is his. I have no idea what is going on with him. I just know it makes my heart hurt. I hate that whenever the skids are there we get in these fights.
Sorry
He's being a butt head. Sounds like my first husband that I dumped because of his stubborn stupid attitude. Of course he scurries like a dog with with his tail between his legs begging me to take him back. Of course, at that point, it was too late.
Sorry, I don't know what you can do if he's not open to working on his marriage. Disengaging would be a first option. Since he's already saying you need to shape up (blah, blah,) I dont' see how it would make things any worse and he might start to see what you actually do.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
that's too bad - even if dh
that's too bad - even if dh feels like he has a good point - he still shouldn't argue with you in front of the kids, he should let you know how he feels about your interaction with skids privately. (from personal experience) it's hard enough to help a skid to respect you as a parent figure and if dh isn't backing you up on things in front of the skids then that gives them more reason not to respect you and in turn stress you out about the whole situation and it just gives everyone a big attitude. it's a vicious circle. and what's the deal with dishes? dh seems a bit touchy about that.
The thing with the dishes is...
SS12 was supposed to wash the dishes this week and didn't use soap or (now I find out) even scrub them. He just ran water over them and put them away. I went to get silverware and got a greasy, food covered spoon. My solution was to have him wash them all again, under supervision. I was overruled and told I was making too big of a deal out of it. So, once again, no consequences for Severus. What a special boy!
(smh) DH really isn't doing
(smh) DH really isn't doing his son any favors by treating him like this. Kids with no rules/boundaries/discipline end up in juvenile detention. 12 is old enough for your SS to be prepared for how things work in the real world. Maybe I'm being extreme but he seems like he is well on his way to being unable to hold down a job and contribute to society as an adult. Kids need to do chores whether they feel like it or not.
Why is it such a big deal to
Why is it such a big deal to ask the skids to do chores!!! My husband pays my ss9 to clean his room!!! What? I had to keep my room clean or I was in trouble, I didn't get paid for it. Goodness forbid I ask his child to do any other kind of manual labor, Im being mean to him if I do. Washing the dishes is not too much to ask.