Disengagement in full swing
So, here's my update with my disengagement. Just a reminder to you all: my Skids live with us and do not have any visitation with their mother. They never ever leave and DH works nights. He was only awake with us about 4 or 5 hours out of the day. I was with them all day and night, every day and night. I was assuming all parenting responsibilities with Skids except discipline. And his discipline was nearly non-existant. He was never authoritative or stern. It was always a gentle "You all need to..." after they had done something that had me fuming all day while I waited for him to get up and handle the situation. Something had to give.
I was preparing to sit DH and skids down to give them my terms and why I was doing the disengagement until we went to Lowe's and SD11 was completely rude to an elderly employee there. We ended up getting into a big argument about his lack of discipline toward her. It snowballed and everything flew out. I had already begun pulling back from them before this day and DH said I had been treating them like sh!t. I said "whoah, wait a minute!" I listed off all the crap they had been doing to me since they moved in and all the crap I had done for them and all the responsibility I had. Then, I said, "You just give me a # then? How many times am I supposed to let them run over me or let things slide until I can stand up for myself!?! You just let me know!" He didn't answer me, of course, and the conversation was just stopped before we got home and it wasn't discussed again until...
I got sick a few days later. I told DH to have skids go to bed at 9:00 (he works nights, so he wouldn't be there), so I could get the little ones in bed without trouble. Well, 9:00 came and went and I was sitting there, miserable, waiting for them to go to bed. Finally at 9:30, I went in and said, "Didn't your dad tell you to go to bed at 9:00?" Skids replied "yes". I said, "Why, then, are you still sitting here?" They said they didn't want to leave the little ones (who are 7 and 4 btw) in the playroom by themselves. What a load of crap! Okay, our house isn't tiny, but it isn't huge either. My Bkids are in there alone all the time. It's not even on a different floor. We don't have a different floor. They, once again, took it upon themselves to do as they pleased instead of what they were told.
So the next morning DH and I had a long 3 hour talk with Skids. I laid down my rules then calmly and told them all I would no longer assume any parenting responsibilities involving Skids. I will no longer do their laundry, enforce rules (unless it involves mistreatment of smaller children), enforce, chores or hygiene or homework. I will not buy them things, if they need something they are to ask DH. If they have to stay after school, they and DH have to figure out how to get them home. I will not be involved in driving them to or from extracurricular activities. If they want to participate, they and DH have to figure it out. ETC. ETC. ETC. I also don't speak to them unless I have to. Also, I told DH that if Skids involve my children or me in another one of their lies, I will leave.
A lot of stress has been relieved. DH has not given me any grief over it. I think speaking calmly and rationally and making valid points without screaming helped alot. I have been able to visit my friends and go out without my Skids and have started enjoying MY life again.
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Comments
I know!
"bios are examined with a microscope and held to a very high standard whereas SKIDS are allowed to get away with murder!!"
I do not get that at all! My sanity was at stake, so I just took my life back and let him handle theirs. I told him I am done. I am going to focus on MY children instead.
Thanks!
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
Yeah! I have done that too
It's a lot less frustrating. And when skids do something embarrassing when you are out, just make sure you introduce them as your husband's daughter.
Mr. Elderly Employee, I am so sorry that my husband's daughter "whatever her name is" was rude to you. Please accept my apologies. I just want everyone to know these are not my kids and my kids would never be so nasty.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
That
is hilarious! AND a good idea! Maybe if HE is embarrassed enough times, then he might see my point. I will do that too! I am not one to hold my tongue...lol. Thanks!
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
I do that too
I make sure to tell people they aren't mine when they are acting up. It embarrasses them.
You are friggin
funny! Rectum rinse? lmao. I never would have dreamed that one up.
"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."
good for you
girl! Hopefully DH will get tired of playing mommy and daddy all by himself and he will then allow you to discipline them w/out fearing they wont listen!
???
Wait a sec..... you have the skids full time and aren't allowed to discipine them?? Whaaaaaat???
No wonder you are disengaging. Unbelievable.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
disengaged to an extent too
I have the exact opposite problem. My BF doesn't want to discipline at all, so it is ALL up to me. He was only too happy to turn it all over to me, and he pretends not to notice when poopy face is acting like a little sh** again, so that I will take over, because OF COURSE I can't let it slip by. He even waits me out in the morning, pretending to be asleep until 10 am to avoid being the one to deal with him first thing until his concerta takes effect. So, I had been going ahead, getting, up, giving him his pill, feeding him breakfast and dealing with whatever spazzy problems he had. I, however, have been slooowly disengaging. I am to the "sick of it" stage, too, because we, too have full custody, BM is deceased, and spewed her jealous ranting into his ears the whole time she was alive. I am a SAHM to SS8 and BioSon2, so NEVER having a break from the little stink face is depressing. Even the breaks when he stays with other family members is crappy, because I dread his coming home. Seriously, I daydream about someone like his maternal G=Pa fighting us for custody. I told BF that I'm not getting up anymore and giving him his pill. If he is home past 7 am, he is going to be responsible for it. He still tried waiting me out, and I continued to stay in the bedroom however long it took. The latest was 11am. We have been in shouting matches just over this one point, because he insists that it's just as easy for me to get up and do it. But WHY, I say, would you dodge out on your kid when he needs you? And WHY should I be called to service for a kid who blames anything that he considers unfair on me, does not appreciate ANYTHING I do for him, has NO, (I mean ZERO) respect for me, and who puts me in a bad mood first thing in the morning when I am a pleasant person in the morning?
On his birthday recently, he said he wanted an "ORDERED" cake, not one that I made. (I take great pride in the personalized, cool cakes I make) SO, this year, I told him that I was going to let the ppl who REALLY love him do his birthday. I let his dad order a cake from Wal-Mart, buy hamburgers, chips, and pop. I also let him do ALL the setup, cooking, etc. The only thing I did (which maybe I should have let it go) was remind him to order the cake ahead when he seemed to be forgetting the day before, and correct him when he was going to order the wrong kind because he didn't even know what kind the kid wanted. I also shared my knowlege of what SS wanted for his BDay because he told me what he wanted but no one else, hmmm...maybe he does know who cares? I sliced tomatoes and cut lettuce up for the burgers, and carried out the condiments. I refused to wash all the dishes and do the house cleaning that I usually do to make sure everything is perfect. I told him I would sweep and vacuum, but he started to tell me he couldn't do the dishes because he had something more important to do, so I laid the cord down, and said, OK, then I'll take the kids to the park and we can just have it there. HE DID THE DISHES. Lol.