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i want to remind us all of something

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 5:41pm

i had been rather absent from this site until the last month or so. it was nothing more than me being preoccupied w being pregnant (and sick), not being able to access at work any longer, and being too tired to log on once i got home. i returned more frequently a couple weeks ago when i got my blackberry and am now able to access from anywhere, at any time. i still dont post much, but even when i had been away, i popped in now and then to check up on everyone and see how y'all were doing.

lately ive noticed something that doesnt sit well w me. i see alot of bickering, and personal attacks. mindless blogs that have no other purpose than to spur an argument, or personally attack another member. i am not taking sides w anyone, and i will admit that my absence form the site may be part of the reason for my discomfort. i havent been around to read and get involved in alot of the blogs. but to me that doesnt matter. bc the bottom line is: that is NOT the intention of this site.

we all (i hope) came to this site looking for help. maybe for advice before a court hearing (in my case), ways to disengage due to lack of support from our significant others, or helpful tips on dealing w our SKs. maybe to know that there are others out there who go thru exactly what we do and understand. maybe for validation that what we are feeling is completely normal. or maybe simply to vent.

whatever the reasons, we need to remember them now. we all came here for support, in whatever form. and we have two amazing people who gave us this site to get whatever that form of support we need is. dawn and admin have put in alot of time, effort and money for us. they have created a place that many of us seek as refuge. for some of us, it is the only place we can safely turn. some of us dont have the support we need from our significant others and some of us have really horrible SKs that have done awful things to us, while we stand around helpless. and this site is our saving grace. and it is completely disrespectful to these two wonderful people to continue to bring so much confrontation and hatred to this site.

like i said above, i am not taking sides. i am not "naming names". i dont care what has transpired here over the past month or so, or whom has done what to whom. i just want us all to move past it. this site means so very much to so many of us, and its bc of StepTalk that many of us, myself included, have met some of the dearest friends of our lives. i personally have Dawn and Admin to thank for that, and having met them personally, i can safely say they are more amazing and kind in person than u could ever imagine. and i hate to see them and this site disrespected. we are a family, so lets get back to acting like one instead of a bunch of high school type cliques. we've seen a few of our friends walk away for this very reason--people who had so much to contribute and such constructive advice to give. lets not lose any more. we all may not agree, but there is quite a difference between constructive criticism, an alternate opinion or respectful disagreement and flat out attacking another.

i am not trying to preach, or stand on my soapbox. i just could not sit by any longer while this site was being abused. we need each other. we are a family when our real family cannot understand us. we are friends. and we are here for each other. always.

hugs,
bella xxxx

Comments

secondwife20's picture

Submitted by secondwife20 on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 5:59pm

Bella. Thank you for reminding us of why we came on this site in the first place.

It's funny because I was thinking of what my life would be like or where I would be if this site never existed. I'd probably be in jail or in an insane asylum. lol!

Thanks Dawn and Admin for giving me and all of us this site. You not only gave us a place to release our stress, anger, frustration... but you also gave us a chance to meet incredible people who truly are so understanding.

<3

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

1's picture

Submitted by 1 on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 6:15pm

I'm new to the site and want to continue coming back. I am here to get advice as well as learn from others experiences so I hope everyone will play nice so I have a place to come and be around others that can understand where i'm coming from.

Georgie Girl's picture

Submitted by Georgie Girl on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 6:18pm

and I agree with you. I end up missing alot of the drama as I don't get on here all that often lately. This life we have chosen is a constant uphill battle and we need to be supportive of each other.

Thanks for reminding us of that! Also, thanks to Dawn and Admin as well for helping me to keep my sanity. Smile

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 7:29pm

This is why I love you so.......direct and to the point. Well said and kudos to you! Smile

kiwi's picture

Submitted by kiwi on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 9:01pm

to hear that this is what this site is all about. I am new here too and am married to a DH who has two daughters 7 and 5. We have one son, 8 months. At the mo BM has full day to day care and we have the SDs every second weekend but due to BM getting tired of the girls (her words) we will be having them fulltime and she will have them every second weekend. So, life is going to be very different!!

stepwitch's picture

Submitted by stepwitch on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 9:12pm

This is a site wherei feel a special comfort spot to bitch-bitch-bitch and not be judged by my peers. Step parenting has been the one and only hardest thing I have ever been called to do. This site literally saved my marriage!! But not only that, it has brought me very close confidants I call friends.

I have no clue what has been going on, for I only pop in every now and again to see what's going on and check up on a few "oldies"....I'm curious, but not going to spend my time on crap-o-la....

Well versed Bella Baby!! I too have met Dawn & A personally and can concur with her words. Awesome folks!!! Let's be respectful to them and their purpose of this site.

When I first came to this site, I wasn't ready to hear from anyone how to be constructive...that came much later...when I saw that I wasn't alone with my feelings regarding sd, I realized that I wasn't alone and that was the beginning of my healing process.

Luv yall!!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Crizzle's picture

Submitted by Crizzle on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 9:46pm

you said something about that. I was almost too scared to even post or reply to anything on here after reading some of the blogs and replies to them. I took my chances and, thankfully, didn't get any of that rough talk. I got some good advice from some people and I was very grateful. Sometimes it just helps to vent too and say things you feel, but don't necessarily want your family to know about. You can't help your feelings and people aren't always proud of them, but they are there nonetheless.

They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me.

stepwitch's picture

Submitted by stepwitch on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 9:53pm

Don't be a scardie!!! (I don't think that is spelled right). We got your back...you vent all you want!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 10:41pm

I just don't feel like responding anymore most of the time. Either my responses are on posts that were subtle attempts to bait someone, or I am attacked for being insensitive. Those two things have left me scratching my head.

Sita and insensitive? Oxymoron!

Anyway, if I am hesitant to post, to respond, to support a friend (or anyone for that matter- I've backed up some pretty unpopular and misguided posters in the past) because then someone will turn on me, bait me, etc...

How does a newbie feel?

This has escalated to a ridiculous level. I just wonder sometimes how these people who are playing and attacking out of sport have the time.

I am finally able to be at a place where I can for the most part and majority of the time not take a borderline SD's rages personally. Who needs to get on here and duke it out? Aren't our "real" lives full of enough tension and personal attacks?

Hope you continue to post Crizzle. Hopefully, the site will be obtaining some more privacy controls for members. I suggest that come with a fee. I would PAY a lot to be able to block a response on my post when someone is hijacking in order to personally attack someone who responded to me.

hopeful12's picture

Submitted by hopeful12 on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 11:56pm

Thanks for posting about this I agree totally. As I to have been baited, because i have been very emotional the past few weeks or so. As things in my life have been very hard and sad :(. I almost left the sight because of the meaness. But because of the "LOT" of you I didn't. I am very glad I didn't. Not only is this my place to vent, cry, and laugh sometimes... Like to day I woke up in tears over my past weekend. After Abigail,and goodmom made morning better. I MUST SAY Crayon had me laughing so hard, I am not sure the last time I laughed that hard... These moments like this blog Bella, are the reason I am still in the race Smile and remember that even though we all don't exactly know eachother we all care enough to keep supporting eachother... And Sita? Oh you are such a great person thank you for being you Smile I truely LOVE this site, love that you girls and guys are here THANKS and I am greatful to DAWN & ADMIN for all you do!
THANKS ST

B's picture

Submitted by B on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 1:22pm

I must have missed that. You, insensitive - That has to be the craziest thing I have ever heard. You ooze sensitivity....

Bella - Good job! Loved what you wrote.

Here's to hoping things get back to (and stay) normal around here.

Crizzle's picture

Submitted by Crizzle on Tue, 07/28/2009 - 12:46am

I think this site is great. I agree with some, I disagree with some, but I always try to give my perspective. I want to help too, if I can.

I almost didn't ever post because I was afraid of being attacked. I am glad I did it anyway. Everyone, so far, has been great. I've said things on here that I could never tell anyone. ***Read my "when skids leave" blog*** and sometimes it just helps to say things and share feelings with total strangers, because you know you don't have to hurt people and get still get it out.

You can't help how you feel about things. You can't. You may feel guilty about feeling certain things, but you still can't change it. And finding people that have the same views and are dealing with the same challenges helps. Misery loves company. It's true. More importantly, I think, it helps to have other objective advice from people who have "been there and done that". I am staying. I have come to love this site and use it almost as much as facebook.

"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."

Snarky's picture

Submitted by Snarky on Wed, 07/22/2009 - 11:27pm

It's hurtful when one tries to post something positive and gets flack for it. Sometimes we post about how much we love our step and bio kids, sometimes we just need to vent. This area is (to me) a great way to express all our frustrations, anger, fears, joys, and moments of surprise. No one has the right to attack another member because that person shares a different view! ST has been Heaven sent in my eyes because not one person that I know really understands the pressure of being a step parent, especially one who has to deal with a psychotic BM.
Thank you ST and all those who come here to light the way in a world full of darkness.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 7:34am

It's something that we all needed to be reminded of.

And thank you to Dawn and Admin.......this site is amazing and I really lean on it for advice. I'm glad that it's always here for me, and it is because you two put it together that way! Thank You both Smile

~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~

imagr8tma's picture

Submitted by imagr8tma on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 7:57am

Seems like the tone has changed a little bit. My thoughts if you don't have someting helpful or insightful to blog back to a person - go on to the next post.

I come here to get things off of my chest - and to be honest - sometimes i don't even read the responses - unless i have asked for advice or help.

It keeps me from seeing if someone has written something offensive. It is also hard to determine on blogs what the tone of a person's response is as well. It is so easy to take the wrong way sometimes.

I want to say thanks to DAWN AND THE ADMIN for creating and maintaining this site for us. I would not know what to do or have anyone to really talk to other than my husband. AND sometimes it is good to get an opinion from another SM & BM on their take of the situation.

You know how it goes with friends and family - if their are not in the thick of it - you get the well you knew what you were getting into type comments.

justwantpeace's picture

Submitted by justwantpeace on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 7:59am

Before I found this site, I was on the verge of losing it. NO ONE understood me. I am a BM as well as SM. They are two different universes. I have read and received so much good advice and information. I tried other sites and all they do is bicker and bash. This is our safe haven, the only place on this earth where we are not alone. We don't come here to be made to feel worse than we did when we signed it. If you don't have anything constructive to say without being hurtful and mean, maybe you don't need to reply. We need to take care of each other the best we can and keep on supporting and learning from each other. Keep up the wonderful work all you step parents that have given me a new view on my life as SM and the woman BM loves to hate. I will survive!!! (With the help of all of you.))) My hats off to Dawn and everyone with truly good intentions on helping the rest of us out!!!!

Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 11:37am

Is my all time favorite quote about motherhood. Step or Bio. Smile

BorBor's picture

Submitted by BorBor on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 11:13am

I just asked Dawn to close me account with ST, althought ST is good for people to vent, for me it taps into a neg place. My ss did a minor thing last night and I justed wanted to blog it. Then I realized I should not go their.

I think it sad to start writing letters to family members on a website. Your are talking to your husband, write him a letter, its a dramatic approach that is uncomfortable for all to read.

I think that people should call each other out if they disagree, maybe the other blogger will realize that their is a different perspective on what they are saying, nothing wrong with that, in a discussion.
I also think that ignoring is the best way, if you dont like it.
Personal attacks should be off limits, but disagreements should not be
And their is a clear clicke here on this website.

I wish you all the best, I really do, its not all bad, let the good shine thru!!!!

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 1:27pm

writing something to my sneaky husband actually gave him a huge laugh and surprised him the next time he logged on...we've been laughing about it all day, so it was a good thing for me to do to "break the ice"

smile bor bor and hope you can get deleted sweetie...good luck and peace:)

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 1:50pm

I also meant to tell you that you're absolutely right and even though it was a lighthearted jab at hubby, typing a blog for him on here wasn't exactly appropriate and I sincerely apologize if you had to read it and became uncomfortable. That's not what this place is about so I'm sorry if I helped ruin the purpose of the site in my own small way.

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Submitted by Wicked.Step.Monster on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 2:01pm

hysterical.... but I have a pretty warped sense of humor! Biggrin

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 2:06pm

I thought he got what he deserved. Smile

I have no idea if DH reads this. I'm thinking he's way too busy with his manworld to take the time. I have told him too that there are things he may not want to read b/c a few times I posted my frustrations that included him (like having FIVE "kids" instead of four because he leaves his crap lay around etc.

I will say we talk about everything though, so I don't think he feels he needs to peek.

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 2:09pm

we talk all the time...I think he is just nosey like me Wink

i too have a warped sense of humor...i can't help it!

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 2:18pm

I think it's survival humor sometimes. Like Dark Humor in theatre. In those kind of plays you have dark dark dark, then Ha ha ha. Otherwise the audience will feel like jumping off a cliff when the play is over!

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 2:26pm

I know if I wrote DH a letter on here his eyes would pop out of his head before he finally realized, yep it's true! LOL

Didn't make me uncomfortable in the least.

~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~

doglover1's picture

Submitted by doglover1 on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 7:12pm

I am with you. I have been on the site for probably a year and due to a busy schedule i dont blog much or even check the site out to much,,,,and its gotta kinda silly lately. BUT the bottom line for me, is that i take what i need and leave the rest. I still think that this site is very VERY helpful to me and Im sure for others. Its a BIG world out there and we are going to have to put up with a world of people that we might not always agree with, but still we stick together and some how make it all work. CUs we are in the step boat together.

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 7:21pm

I have always felt the same--if u don't like what ur reading then ignore it. Which is why I choose to not get involved in those blogs. Disagreement and healthy discussion is good! But when blogs pop up just attacking people, just doesn't seem to do this site justice. And too many are walking away bc of it when they could either give great advice and perspective or need it themselves. AND I would hate for newbies to be discouraged by it.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Thu, 07/23/2009 - 7:26pm

I don't come to this site as often as I use too but I do need to check in once in awhile. I am no one to judge or criticize anyone on this site. If I disagree with a viewpoint so be it. I can offer my opinion without judgement. It's okay to vent and sometimes being negative here allows us time to cool off and continue.

Stepparenting in hard hard work - mine has not been rewarding but from reading others' blogs I know that it can be.

We don't have to agree with each other but we must respect each other and respect our differences. Viva la differance!
Glynne