Okay, I admit I've been holding back. But I was also pretty busy yesterday, so I haven't read all the comments on your posts yet, and I figured I was too late to make much of a contribution, anyway.
Not sure whether you "want" to hear from me, or just expect me to cram my opinion down your throat whether you want it or not! But I'll read the rest of the comments and post back here...
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
When I reread your first blog yesterday, I remembered why I decided not to respond: it was your title, which asked for positive reactions only. After reading your post, I wasn’t sure I could do that, so I figured that the other wise people on here would offer you enough feedback that you didn’t need to hear from little old negative me.
But, now that you’ve asked me directly... Well. Look, I don’t know if I can make this positive, so I’m going to settle for trying to make it gentle.
First, congrats on quitting smoking and drinking. Smoking orphaned me (both my parents died at a young age from smoking). So I hate to see people allowing themselves to be slaves to something that has a high likelihood of killing them in a horrible, painful fashion -- which their offspring then get to watch.
Okay. So, here are a few of my thoughts upon reading your blog:
Whenever I read one of your blogs, I find myself asking the same question: Why is Kevin fighting so hard to stay with someone who sees his presence and their relationship as a negative in her life? I don’t know your ex-GF, but at the very least, she is obviously someone who LOOOOOOOOVVVVES drama, and who cannot figure out what she wants or what she’s about. I think the people who suggest you both may be codependent have a great point. You are powerless to stay away from a situation that’s clearly not working. And she goes to great lengths to get you to stay away from her, but then is “hurt” when you do.
I was particularly struck by the story you told of how she came to your door with a note for your roommate to call her. So, she tells you to stay away, and even gets a trespassing order against you. Then the cops tell her you said for her to not talk to you, and right away she’s back at your door. What the F is going on here? Seriously, Kevin, can I just say that this is some F’ed up sh*t. Let’s look at some things.
1) Your ex-SO filed a TRESPASSING ORDER against you. The police have been involved. This is your sign that your relationship with this woman has officially entered Jerry Springer territory.
2) You say that the police, in their “situation diffusing” way, “neglected to tell her that I told them was for her to go downtown and remove trespassing order and I would love to talk and work things out, despite what has happened.” Kevin, I have a pretty good idea why the police didn’t convey that information to this woman: because they were trying to help you stay away from her and this obviously bad situation. They could see, even though they don’t know the two of you, that this is not a good relationship and that the two of you would be better off not associating with each other any more. How do they know this? Because the police were called to the scene!!!! Kevin, a healthy, functioning relationship does not involve the police or trespassing orders.
Have you ever known someone who is doing something that clearly isn’t good for them, and their friends just have to sit back and watch as the train wreck happens in slow motion, because they can’t get the person to see what they’re doing to themselves? Kevin, you are that person. The police, the trespassing order, the “push me pull you” crap that is the stuff of your everyday interaction with this woman: these should be your clues that this relationship will never be functional or healthy, for either of you.
I know that part of the problem is you are mourning the beginning of the relationship, when things were going really well and you were so happy. But Kevin, here’s the thing: the beginning of EVERY relationship is great. EVERYONE is really happy at the beginning. That’s why it’s called the honeymoon period. I was blissfully happy at the beginning of every single relationship I’ve ever had. Even with the guy who used to beat me up. Even with my ex-husband, who tried to kill me once. Even with the guy who today has had countless DWI’s and can’t hold a job or a girlfriend to save his life. Memories of past happiness are not enough to sustain a future of hell. Your honeymoon period is over.
In your second blog yesterday, you reply to Stick who asks you if you are addicted to this woman. You defend yourself by saying you’re a “dedicated family man”. Kevin, I think you need to stop this. This is not your family. This is a woman you have dated, and her children. That you make this statement in your defense scares me, and is the one thing in your blogs that makes me think that maybe your ex-GF was right to file a trespassing order against you. You are not a family. You are a person who won’t let go of someone who isn’t good for him, and constructs a fantasy where he’s like the estranged husband who is just waiting to re-take his rightful place as the head of the household. I realized when I read that, that I don’t know anything about your situation BEFORE you met this woman. Have you been married or in a long=term relationship before? If so, did this woman kick you out and leave you in the cold? Could that be one of the reasons that you just will not let go of this obviously dysfunctional situation – because you’re trying to rewrite the past?
I doubt you have BPD. But I definitely think you should make an appointment to go see a counselor, alone, to talk to someone who can look you in the eye as you talk about this relationship and help you figure out where this desperate need to hang on is coming from.
Okay, I totally failed at being either positive or gentle. Really, I’m sorry. I did the best I could. But you asked.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Great post... Really! You pointed out so many things, especially the last part about saying it's "his" family. I didn't catch that, but when you shine that light on it... it's is disturbing. I LOVE reading your posts.
Kevin - please please don't be too hurt.... Read carefully and slowly what Belle has said, and try not to knee-jerk gut react. She has no reason to hurt you or to want to keep you away from your SO. She's writing for your best interest.
.....took several days to process your comments. I did so with patience and the knowledge that you know neither her nor I. Putting one thing to rest quite quickly I DID state that, 'I am dying inside over this because I wanted my family back, but truth be told, I never had one. I was under the impression that the boys were mine and it was my family.' I am fully aware that they are not mine and as they leave today for that vacation that I was dis-invited to, this resounds clearly in my head.
Let me ask you though, how SHOULD a man act when coming into the home of a woman with two boys both 9 and 12, having never had a male role model nor father figure. They called me dad, they said they loved me and obviously cared for me. Was the right thing to keep them at a distance and make it obvious that I was not their father?? They knew that, they chose me to fill that role, not the other way around.
The trespassing order was/is a jacked up situation where she saw ME causing drama and being the type to hate drama, pinched it in the butt. I believe there was some neighbors advice attached to it. Following this however, she has come to my room-mates car with a note, had dinner with me on our 1 year anniversary, made love to me, and barring her catching some attitude, (still unknown as to why) we have had some fruitful and peaceful conversations concerning the boys, life, medical situations (her shoulder), and the future.
I have stated before on here that I was once married to a woman that I came back from Iraq and she was 6 months preggo, I was gone for ten. Does that affect me, sure, all of my life's lessons affect me. However, I assure you Belle that I am a very smart cookie, have traveled the world three times over, and have both led men into battle and led a sales force of ten. I know people, I find that I am ahead of the curve when it comes to people, but to truly know them, I must first know myself. I know myself. I know my SO. I am absolutely sure that I am not addicted or obsessed, I am simply a hopeful romantic. Her actions are becoming more apparent that there are other things going on in the background that I am not privy to. I am currently under the impression that her mother hails from some money and has my SO pretty much wrapped around her finger. Most all of this has started with my SO's mother and I am being very carefully insulated from her, or vice versa, on many levels.
I know that I do not have BPD, I do not fit the current criteria but back when it was first being recognized I met a lot of the traits that have since been dismissed. (Interesting reading about it, its like all mental issues rolled into one.) As I learn how someone that is afflicted with these many myopic traits, I learn valuable tools to use to curb some of my negative attributes that I was not fully aware of.
Thank you for your advice, I knew you would get me thinking. A lifetime ago I used to frame houses and came to find out a very quick lesson. Anything, and I mean anything, can be repaired, one just must tear down appropriately the error, re-plan, and then rebuild. When in the trenches you are faced with overwhelming odds, few assets, and fewer friends. Do you turn and walk back to the rear simply giving up or do you grab your gear, face adversity, and fight forward?? Only one choice will make you a hero, the other ensures you never will get the opportunity.
Thanks for your response. I don't know if any of what I said rings true -- after all, we all have the right to take whatever advice is useful and leave the rest. When I feel strongly about something, it's hard for me to hold back -- and I have had many people, for better or for worse, seek my advice and tell me that they feel I have a lot of wisdom. Still, that doesn't mean I'm perfect, or that I'm always right. It does mean that I usually trust my instincts, but I also have to pull back and realize that I do not know everything about everything. And, as a very wise person whose opinion I respect once said, No one can really know what goes on between two people.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Comments
Who, me???
Okay, I admit I've been holding back. But I was also pretty busy yesterday, so I haven't read all the comments on your posts yet, and I figured I was too late to make much of a contribution, anyway.
Not sure whether you "want" to hear from me, or just expect me to cram my opinion down your throat whether you want it or not!
But I'll read the rest of the comments and post back here...
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Okay, Kevin, here it is.
Okay, Kevin, here it is. My two cents.
When I reread your first blog yesterday, I remembered why I decided not to respond: it was your title, which asked for positive reactions only. After reading your post, I wasn’t sure I could do that, so I figured that the other wise people on here would offer you enough feedback that you didn’t need to hear from little old negative me.
But, now that you’ve asked me directly... Well. Look, I don’t know if I can make this positive, so I’m going to settle for trying to make it gentle.
First, congrats on quitting smoking and drinking. Smoking orphaned me (both my parents died at a young age from smoking). So I hate to see people allowing themselves to be slaves to something that has a high likelihood of killing them in a horrible, painful fashion -- which their offspring then get to watch.
Okay. So, here are a few of my thoughts upon reading your blog:
Whenever I read one of your blogs, I find myself asking the same question: Why is Kevin fighting so hard to stay with someone who sees his presence and their relationship as a negative in her life? I don’t know your ex-GF, but at the very least, she is obviously someone who LOOOOOOOOVVVVES drama, and who cannot figure out what she wants or what she’s about. I think the people who suggest you both may be codependent have a great point. You are powerless to stay away from a situation that’s clearly not working. And she goes to great lengths to get you to stay away from her, but then is “hurt” when you do.
I was particularly struck by the story you told of how she came to your door with a note for your roommate to call her. So, she tells you to stay away, and even gets a trespassing order against you. Then the cops tell her you said for her to not talk to you, and right away she’s back at your door. What the F is going on here? Seriously, Kevin, can I just say that this is some F’ed up sh*t. Let’s look at some things.
1) Your ex-SO filed a TRESPASSING ORDER against you. The police have been involved. This is your sign that your relationship with this woman has officially entered Jerry Springer territory.
2) You say that the police, in their “situation diffusing” way, “neglected to tell her that I told them was for her to go downtown and remove trespassing order and I would love to talk and work things out, despite what has happened.” Kevin, I have a pretty good idea why the police didn’t convey that information to this woman: because they were trying to help you stay away from her and this obviously bad situation. They could see, even though they don’t know the two of you, that this is not a good relationship and that the two of you would be better off not associating with each other any more. How do they know this? Because the police were called to the scene!!!! Kevin, a healthy, functioning relationship does not involve the police or trespassing orders.
Have you ever known someone who is doing something that clearly isn’t good for them, and their friends just have to sit back and watch as the train wreck happens in slow motion, because they can’t get the person to see what they’re doing to themselves? Kevin, you are that person. The police, the trespassing order, the “push me pull you” crap that is the stuff of your everyday interaction with this woman: these should be your clues that this relationship will never be functional or healthy, for either of you.
I know that part of the problem is you are mourning the beginning of the relationship, when things were going really well and you were so happy. But Kevin, here’s the thing: the beginning of EVERY relationship is great. EVERYONE is really happy at the beginning. That’s why it’s called the honeymoon period. I was blissfully happy at the beginning of every single relationship I’ve ever had. Even with the guy who used to beat me up. Even with my ex-husband, who tried to kill me once. Even with the guy who today has had countless DWI’s and can’t hold a job or a girlfriend to save his life. Memories of past happiness are not enough to sustain a future of hell. Your honeymoon period is over.
In your second blog yesterday, you reply to Stick who asks you if you are addicted to this woman. You defend yourself by saying you’re a “dedicated family man”. Kevin, I think you need to stop this. This is not your family. This is a woman you have dated, and her children. That you make this statement in your defense scares me, and is the one thing in your blogs that makes me think that maybe your ex-GF was right to file a trespassing order against you. You are not a family. You are a person who won’t let go of someone who isn’t good for him, and constructs a fantasy where he’s like the estranged husband who is just waiting to re-take his rightful place as the head of the household. I realized when I read that, that I don’t know anything about your situation BEFORE you met this woman. Have you been married or in a long=term relationship before? If so, did this woman kick you out and leave you in the cold? Could that be one of the reasons that you just will not let go of this obviously dysfunctional situation – because you’re trying to rewrite the past?
I doubt you have BPD. But I definitely think you should make an appointment to go see a counselor, alone, to talk to someone who can look you in the eye as you talk about this relationship and help you figure out where this desperate need to hang on is coming from.
Okay, I totally failed at being either positive or gentle. Really, I’m sorry. I did the best I could. But you asked.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Belle you just told the truth and kept it Real!
This is what Kevin The Man Needs!
He shouldnt be upset after reading your opinions. He asked YOU and you ANSWERED!
"And this too shall pass..."
Belle, Kevin
Great post... Really! You pointed out so many things, especially the last part about saying it's "his" family. I didn't catch that, but when you shine that light on it... it's is disturbing. I LOVE reading your posts.
Kevin - please please don't be too hurt.... Read carefully and slowly what Belle has said, and try not to knee-jerk gut react. She has no reason to hurt you or to want to keep you away from your SO. She's writing for your best interest.
I honestly.....
.....took several days to process your comments. I did so with patience and the knowledge that you know neither her nor I. Putting one thing to rest quite quickly I DID state that, 'I am dying inside over this because I wanted my family back, but truth be told, I never had one. I was under the impression that the boys were mine and it was my family.' I am fully aware that they are not mine and as they leave today for that vacation that I was dis-invited to, this resounds clearly in my head.
Let me ask you though, how SHOULD a man act when coming into the home of a woman with two boys both 9 and 12, having never had a male role model nor father figure. They called me dad, they said they loved me and obviously cared for me. Was the right thing to keep them at a distance and make it obvious that I was not their father?? They knew that, they chose me to fill that role, not the other way around.
The trespassing order was/is a jacked up situation where she saw ME causing drama and being the type to hate drama, pinched it in the butt. I believe there was some neighbors advice attached to it. Following this however, she has come to my room-mates car with a note, had dinner with me on our 1 year anniversary, made love to me, and barring her catching some attitude, (still unknown as to why) we have had some fruitful and peaceful conversations concerning the boys, life, medical situations (her shoulder), and the future.
I have stated before on here that I was once married to a woman that I came back from Iraq and she was 6 months preggo, I was gone for ten. Does that affect me, sure, all of my life's lessons affect me. However, I assure you Belle that I am a very smart cookie, have traveled the world three times over, and have both led men into battle and led a sales force of ten. I know people, I find that I am ahead of the curve when it comes to people, but to truly know them, I must first know myself. I know myself. I know my SO. I am absolutely sure that I am not addicted or obsessed, I am simply a hopeful romantic. Her actions are becoming more apparent that there are other things going on in the background that I am not privy to. I am currently under the impression that her mother hails from some money and has my SO pretty much wrapped around her finger. Most all of this has started with my SO's mother and I am being very carefully insulated from her, or vice versa, on many levels.
I know that I do not have BPD, I do not fit the current criteria but back when it was first being recognized I met a lot of the traits that have since been dismissed. (Interesting reading about it, its like all mental issues rolled into one.) As I learn how someone that is afflicted with these many myopic traits, I learn valuable tools to use to curb some of my negative attributes that I was not fully aware of.
Thank you for your advice, I knew you would get me thinking. A lifetime ago I used to frame houses and came to find out a very quick lesson. Anything, and I mean anything, can be repaired, one just must tear down appropriately the error, re-plan, and then rebuild. When in the trenches you are faced with overwhelming odds, few assets, and fewer friends. Do you turn and walk back to the rear simply giving up or do you grab your gear, face adversity, and fight forward?? Only one choice will make you a hero, the other ensures you never will get the opportunity.
Kevin The Man
Kevin
Thanks for your response. I don't know if any of what I said rings true -- after all, we all have the right to take whatever advice is useful and leave the rest. When I feel strongly about something, it's hard for me to hold back -- and I have had many people, for better or for worse, seek my advice and tell me that they feel I have a lot of wisdom. Still, that doesn't mean I'm perfect, or that I'm always right. It does mean that I usually trust my instincts, but I also have to pull back and realize that I do not know everything about everything. And, as a very wise person whose opinion I respect once said, No one can really know what goes on between two people.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)