Positive reactions please, I cannot deal anymore with negativity
Hello Everyone,
I know, I know I said that I was quitting and giving up on my SO but I guess I was saying that to try and convince myself. One outing at the pool with the boys brought back a flood of memories and I just could not let it go. She came to me the other day as I was outside and had a note (to leave on my front door) that basically said that she wanted my room-mate to call her since I told the police that I didn't wish to speak with her or else I would get in trouble and screw up my life. What the cops, in their situation diffusing way, neglected to tell her that I told them was for her to go downtown and remove trespassing order and I would love to talk and work things out, despite what has happened. She was hurt I didn't want to speak with her. My drinking and smoking were once issues for her and although it may seem I am quitting for her, I have wanted to quit for some time, and tried, and failed. She has given me a very good reason to quit, (other than my health) and since the 4th, I have been alcohol and smoke free. Today she stated that she was going to see a therapist because when she makes a break with a person it is over and doesn't know how to get back there even if she wanted to. She seems destined to just look at the past so I prepared an e-mail that listed everything positive about our lives together and things we have done ie, breakfast burgers, the river, the airshow, Christmas, movie night, evening walks, morning coffee, and the list was HUGE!! She told me she loved me and kisses me and smiled today which is more than I have gotten in days. She has still put off taking back the CT (trespassing order) and says she will do it tomorrow. She says when I push she puts up walls and it makes things worse, I do not see her trying and push/fight for the family I do not wish to lose. Playing with the youngest one today I tossed him into the pool (as I often do, him to me also) and he proceeded to cry and disengage with me mirroring what his mother is doing. I walked over to him, told him I loved him and that I was his friend and that no matter what, I would be his friend and be there for him. I sensed the crying from the 9yo was from a different place.
Please excuse me for my rambling, I know I am telling this shot gun style (all over the place) but that is how my mind is working right now.
I believe if you love some one let them go.... yada, yada, you know the rest. Well, I am coming back, and it seems as though with the SO's note to my roomie that she was wanting to come back. How can we find middle ground, how can we find that easy transition back into a life together. I know things have changed, I am flexible, I am making REAL changes and it seems as though they are going uncared for. I told her coming to this site has affected my role in our relationship and I see things from a very different perspective due to the related topics, basically, you ladies are therapy for me. In this site I find such valuable tid-bits of knowledge and it has helped me tremendously.
I am truly listening to my woman, truly taking her feelings into full account, how do I see where she is right now. I cannot understand the mind of this woman and I SO want to. I so badly wish to scream, 'WHEN DO I WIN' it is constantly on the tip of my tongue. If you have EVER loved a man, let him go, and only to discover later that you shouldn't have, what did you want to hear?? Her actions say one thing and her words are confusing at best. I could be AOK on the other side of this, but I want to be on the other side of this with my family. I want my family back!!
Sincerely,
Kevin The Man
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Comments
Woman generally only let a man go when they have given up
She probably feels like she tried very hard and is so hurt that she can never believe that things will ever be different.
What I would want to see is action. I would not want to hear words. Quietly show her what has changed. That you have changed. Be there and do the right thing even if it seems like she doesn't appreciate it. She is watching but doesn't believe you have really changed. You need to show it over a period of time.
Go rent the movie "Fireproof." That should give you some good tips. It especially shows how a woman sees a man saying I've changed and she's thinking, I am too hurt to trust you again.
"I know God has a wonderful plan for me, I just wish He would tell me what it is"
Thanks
Thank you Abigail
I was thinking....
What do you think her reaction would be to putting her on to this site and having her see other woman's reactions to her actions. I don't know what her reactions would be to this.
Sometimes.....
When a woman is fed up ain't nothing you can do about it.... but move forward..... sometimes people come into your life either for a reason or for a season. But not to be negative..... people get tired, that's the truf! Just tired and when it gets the end, it just one of those things where we LOVE OURSELF MORE....
"I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear, I'm going to tell you what you need to hear."
Kevin
I know you don't want any negativity, but I gotta tell ya bud, this sounds like a "come here, get away" game she's playing with you.
A positive reaction....
... I am positive if you get her to come on here and read our reactions to your posts, she'll get her back up be on the defensive with us, and pissed at you. I wouldn't do it Kevin.
I am positive you are making all of these consessions to make her happy and to have her come back to you, but have not heard of her making any in return.
I am positive you hurt like all heck right now, and need to get away for a while. You need time away from her, her boys, and your neiborhood. You need time for you, and you're not going to get it there with all of those distractions.
I am positive that none of this (what I wrote) was intended to hurt you Kevin. You seem like a good man, and you really do deserve better than you're getting, or what you've gotten.
Chin up big guy - we're all here for you!
LN
Last Nerve
I'm positive that was a pretty positive post!
Thanks Sasha!
I'm positively blushing...
I am positive that you are one cool gal!
Kevin
I'm hoping this will be okay... You sound like such a sweet and loving man. I need your help.
I want very badly to be the nice girl for a change... to be the one to give you some positive reinforcement... the "congratulations"... the "way to go" or "it will work out" words of hope.
Help me... help me understand if I say those things to you that you won't get hurt again. Or that you won't care if you get hurt again. Help me to be positive for you when I am scared for you. Help me to not feel that if you go through this one more time, it won't hurt more than the last.
I got into some discussions here once because I read a blog and I answered pretty harshly. My words, even though I felt they were truly correct, and later even felt somewhat justified after more revelations... were, for the original poster, too mean. My message was lost because they were hurt.
I was told that if I see something that rubs me the wrong way I should just ignore the blog.
So now, I feel the same way I did when I saw that other post. Although with you, I am not angry like I was with the other member. With you... I feel sadness and concern.
I can't give you the positive reinforcement, so I should NOT respond to you? Or do I respond to you because we are trying to look out for each other's best interests here. And that's really positive, isn't it??
I'm sorry - I'm sorry that I feel that you are addicted to this woman .... addicted like one could be to a cigarette.
I'm positive that there are people on this site that care to not see you get hurt again and don't know how to help.
I'm happy that you right now seem to be excited. And I hope I'm wrong about everything that I am thinking.
I have just....
... sent my SO this parting letter:
Dearest SO,
It is true, I have not let you go. If that is what you want me to do then I will. I write this in tears. Don't be mad at me or try to hurt me because I NEVER intended to hurt you in any way shape or form. I just had an anxiety attack that I thought would never end, still shaking over it. I am dying inside over this because I wanted my family back, but truth be told, I never had one. I was under the impression that the boys were mine and it was my family. I feel so worthless because I should have known that things were getting worse and I seem to always push in the wrong direction and mess everything up. I messed up, I always mess up, and never get a second chance or forgiveness. You don't have to be any different, I am used to it by now. I should have walked away when I read this e-mail below (the Fathers Day one) because it was obvious that I was being shut out. I just want to crawl into a hole Heather. Obviously there is nothing I can do or say to change your mind, just
know that I did my very best and kept trying even when the chips were down, something I thought people would do for a beautiful woman as yourself. I thought I could save our relationship by reminding you of the good times and what we shared. I was wrong. Tell the boys I love them, pet Bradley for me, and know that I will always wish for you peace and love.
To the one family that made me feel loved for a short time,
I love you,
Kevin
I cannot do anything and where I am right now I am just in pain and looking to feel sorry for myself. Stick, you have given me very good advice so do not be hard on yourself. The negativity I didn't want anymore was what she has been dishing out all day.
My room mate and I just had a discussion and she is going to talk with her tomorrow because getting me arrested or in trouble for anything means a loss of job for me and would severely affect them in the most negative of ways. Heck of a time to quit smoking!! As stated above, I do NOT feel as though I am addicted to her, I just fight for my loved ones.
The shrink she goes to will demonize me and make me out to be the root of her issues I am sure. Isn't that what they always say, 'separate yourself from that person so that you can work on you'? So, with her mother against me, her neighbors agreeing with her, and a therapist that says separate, I really don't have a snowballs chance in hell to work this out, so I am not going to.
Kevin The Lugubrious Man
Kevin The Man
I have read your post and your previous posts from the last few weeks. Your writing is truly eloquent and you are a very special and loving man. You love this woman and her kids with all of your heart.
However, she KNOWS this as well. She is playing you Kevin and is looking to get you in trouble and will break your heart if she has not already done so.
She needs HELP she has some serious mental issues going on. I wish you would go back and read past posts and responses from others when you were trying to figure out which way to go in terms of this relationship. ST gave you some great advice and you really should take heed.
Sorry but just my opinion.
"And this too shall pass..."
I don't think she is...
..playing me and most likely will not be vindictive. I do however see a growing trend in comments and observed actions that point to her having some kind of issue with SOMETHING that is going on and it is not all me. Her mother has refused to have me along for the vacation and I see her as a huge influence in my SO's life, SOOOO maybe her. I just have this nagging feeling that there is something else entirely that I have not picked up on, I doubt another man, she says there was nothing ever wrong with our sexual life. Time will tell all I believe.
Kevin The Man
Hey Kev
I never said it was another man. I'm sure you can hold your own. But there is something else going on that she isn't telling you.
You sound like a sweetheart and it will be a shame if you get your feelings hurt again.
"And this too shall pass..."
When she said she was ....
....going to seek a therapist today I was surprised. She said it was for her to sort out her mind. Perhaps, and this is a big perhaps, she acknowledges that I am making changes and she wonders why she can't. Perhaps why she is so uncompromising. Maybe he can help her because with or without me, I am wishing her to be 100%.
Kevin The Man
good question
I am sure she can list every time alcohol has been a factor but in the last year I think I was sloppy once on Halloween and one other time she asked me to stop drinking and I didn't. I think when we spoke about it she named one more instance, but I refuted it saying my reaction was not because of alcohol but lack of sleep since I had drank very little.
So, has it played a role, sure, a significant one, no. I don't even think the boys have ever seen me pour a drink and they have never even uttered the word alcohol around me. I have admitted to her it is an issue and have not drank since the 4th. Even if no one can tell I am drinking, I am sure it has affected in some part my perspective and general emotion. I have always been able to put it down and have with no recourse or regret. To me it is not a big deal. The smoking is tougher. Her and her mother used to smoke and her mother I guess demonizes it. Heather didn't ever have an issue with it until her mother did. I also have stopped that as of the 4th.
Kevin The Man
Kevin.....get the book
"I Hate you Dont Leave Me"....I dont know the author, but I think it may help you with her behavior......
Good Luck!!!!
The more I read about....
....Borderline Personality Disorder, the more I think we both are afflicted with it. Could this be that same feeling I get whenever I look up a bump online or in a medical journal and come to the conclusion I have Cancer or AIDS?? (that always happens, haha)
Enter symptoms,(types: bump on right arm) = Many bumps on right arms are found to be, (enter large latin word), and the precursor to AIDS.
OK, Please tell me you get my drift and that I am not the only one that is diagnosed with terrible diseases when I search my symptoms.
Kevin The Man
(any bumps on arms in this blog were completely fictitious and are not intended to portray actual bumps on arms)
HIV free since 1974