MS. I have been reading your blogs even though I havent been on in a while. They sadden me. I am sad for you and for your wife. Sad that she cannot see what is in front of her. I am guessing that you have not seen the new one yet? When do you do that? In a way, I understand DW's need to see another counselor, b/c let's face it, no one wants to hear that they are the problem, right? I wouldn't. I am hopeful for you though that maybe this one will tell her the same things and then maybe she will believe that she needs help raising SD.

I wrote to another poster yesterday that I do not believe there to be any quick fix for guilty parenting. It's kinda like drug abuse or an alcoholic, ya know. The addiction. They wont get help until they understand there is a problem. She doesnt see how seriously her guilt parenting is affecting her marriage and subsequently BD and SD.

I wish you luck!

I can feel your exhaustion coming through your words. I have so much sympathy for you, and I admire your strength that you haven't given up yet, despite thinking every day of leaving the marriage.

Everything has its time. This may work out, or it may not. Either way, though, things will eventually change, for the better. Remember that: either your marriage will get better, or it will end and your life will get better.

That may not feel like much to hang your hat on right now, but it is true, and it's also true that one day, no matter which thing happens, you will look back on this time of your life and say to yourself, "Thank God THAT'S over and things are better now."

HUGS!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I agree with Belle that your exhaustion and sadness just screams out through your blog. It is very sad... but also very noble of you to try to stay and work this out. You have been giving it a fair shot... working at it for over a year.

I also agree with Belle that changes are ahead for you and they will lead to better things. Read what she said... it's exactly right.

I just wanted to add 2 thoughts for you...

1. It sounds like you need a break. Is there any way that you can just get away for even a night or a weekend? Like go camping or something? Maybe even take BD with you?

2. If you can try to look at the new counselor this way. He may offer a new perspective on some things that the other didn't. Just like all of the posters on here!! Then, you can also decide if you agree or disagree with what is being said. Also, just like you agreed to go to the new counselor with your DW , but then if you continue, the records must be sent.... Can you also maybe agree to setting a time limit for this? Like, you will go to him for 6 months. If in 6 months you don't start to see progress, feel better, then you both may have to look at how to proceed next. I'm suggesting a time limit for you so you don't feel like you are starting right back at square one. This is a continuation for you and you are setting a limit as to how long you will let it go on.

Just a thought. But I really liked what Belle said and I hope you can repeat that to yourself!!

Best wishes...

Why has she waited an entire year and a half before she decided she was not being heard? Something about this just doesn't seem right to me. It's like she's stalling or something. Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope you figure out what you want.

I worked as a marriage therapist for many many years. Often I saw that people started "jumping" counselors when 1)the counselor didn't agree or side with them or 2) when they felt pressure to exact change in a relationship and chose to start over in order to delay that said change. Keep in mind that this could be conscious or subconscious action. I'm not saying that your DW falls into this category....but this was just my first thought. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and I can sense the pain you are feeling in your posts. I applaud your strength and resolve. Have faith that the #2 counselor will "get it" as well, and your DW will have to deal with that reality sooner or later.

Hang in there!

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"

Your situation sounds very much like what my FH might have written a few years ago. So the question I'd like to ask you is what's going on between you and SD? What kind of a relationship do you have with her, or want to have with her? How do you regard her or interact with her? Why are you two not talking to each other unless absolutely necessary?

FH and I saw a counsellor for a year and a half. My problem at the time was his poor relationship with DD. His problem with me was permissive parenting. The counsellor believed that if I changed my parenting, FH would be less resentful of me and feel more respected in our home. I was resisitant to this proposed solution because I felt the priorities were skewed. In my view, it was more important that FH and DD be given the chance to develop a relationship independent of how she was parented by me. We had a system that was working for us; the only problem was her rudeness towards FH brought on by his inability to bond with her (for messed up reasons having to do with his own children).

My point is that most of our relationship issues stemmed from the overwhelming stress in our home caused by their inability to get along as PEOPLE, nevermind in some kind of parent/child capacity. No amount of counselling from any counsellor was going to change our situation until FH learned how to at least find something to like about my daughter. My attitude towards him wasn't going to change until his attitude towards her could. The way I saw it, it was his responsibility as the adult to make this happen.

By the way, he did finally get it, despite the counsellor. He was finally able to show a little humility and allow DD to see him as a human being with genuine feelings, rather than as a brick wall authoritarian whose only concern is that she finish her chores or go to bed on time. I couldn't be happy with him while she was unhappy, knowing that he was the cause of her unhappiness. By the way, once this breakthrough occurred, I was able to take some of his parenting suggestions and requests because I finally could see that he was motivated by genuine concern for her - something I believed had been missing while we were in counselling. And the timing was more appropriate because DD did not attribute these changes in my parenting to his presence.

Could this be similar to what's going on in your home? After all this time in counselling, why are you and SD still strangers to each other? I could be way off base here, but is it possible that DW feels the same way I felt? It can't be easy for her to work on your relationship issues while you have no attunement with her daughter.

Just tossing out a different perspective that may be helpful. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time and hope things work out for you.

"DW puts on her mask every day of things are fine and we go through our days while we avoid the hot button points, and even avoid each other in our own home"

That has been my life off and on for the past year and I too was in counseling with my now exFh for over 9mths. Nothing changed and we would have to go back and reinforce the issues over and over again I was exhausted. In my case I didn't have to deal with SD16 but it sucks the life out of you when your parnter does not want to work on the relationship and always wants to be the one that is right and it is everyone else's problem.

I would sit in therapy and automatically just say ok I take 50% of the blame even though the things that we were discussing weren't even my issues or it was fights or drama that I didn't even start.

I'm sad right now because exFH is gone and it is really hard but even though I feel bad I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know the pain will come though.

Hang in there - cyber hugs to you!