Been a silent visitor on the site lately....

Hi All my new friends! I have been so depressed lately that I have not had the courage to blog as I fear a tirade of venting will come out. I am at my wits end with SD17. She is a complete little baggage and is making my life miserable. BD10 had a birthday sleep over this weekend with two little friends and SD17 totally dominated the whole event. She then turned against BD10 and her friends and kept coming to complain to me. We made pizza's for supper and she hoarded (froze, but hid away)(without asking)a pizza to give to her bf this coming weekend. I also made muffins for BD10 to take to school on Monday (fer her birthday) and SD17 hoarded 6 of those for him as well. I came across them last evening before she came home with FH, and hid them away and told her that I gave them to a homeless person who came to our gate when I arrived home! I know it sounds childish, but as I said to her later, this is food that we could be eating and bf doesn't need to be supplied by our (frugal) household! And...had she asked, I might have agreed to her keeping something for him, but that's just it...she doesn't ask EVER and just does her own thing and stuff everyone else! She then went to bed without supper saying "give mine to the homeless guy too!" to which I said "cool!" and we had a pleasant evening without her until at about 10pm she came and asked to use my cellphone to tell bf that she can't go to him for the weekend on Thursday, as she has to babysit for us (last session of our marriage course). So me being the softy said 'ok' but only 2 mins. Well I was in bed already (FH was out playing at a gig) and she takes my phone outside and speaks for 13 mins!! When she came back with my phone I said to her that I was not happy that she spoke for so long! She said that she didn't because there was no reception. Yet I could hear her talking non-stop. She had deleted the call log off my phone so that I couldn't see how long she spoke for. So I phoned the network and got the duration from them. When I told FH later, he said oh well don't let her use your phone again. Damn right I won't!!!

How this all started was that I had decided to 'disengage' and had written FH & the kids (his) a letter explaining the whole thing that I am no longer going to co-parent them etc. So she replies by writing a 2 (A4) page back complaining about how I favour my BD10 over them and how BD10 teases her brother (meanwhile she is mean to him so much so that he feels like he doesn't belong there). She accused me of a number of things that were untrue and made herself look like an absolutre angel in her dad's eyes (making sure he read the letter too). I haven't replied yet as I am just too angry.

I feel like I want her out of my life & out of my daughter's life too, who is still very vulnerable and easily influenced. This child (SD17) is basically a juvenile delinquent - she's been fired for stealing, stole from her school mates, stole from us & still does. She lies, manipulates and spreads stories (often we catch her telling her mom things that we discuss privately in our room - 'walls have ears' in our house (her room is next to ours).

Any constructive advice would be welcome. FH & I feel like we are teetering on the edge of breaking up over this child!

ExCoolMom's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

been there

we took in hubbys daughter in 07 worst mistake ever made .
she was all ready in a self destruct mode , stuff we didnt know , which she done and more with us ...
i really feel for you. ive been there and through a lot with this girl , for such a long time we were close but now i feel she was using me all these years . Now we have heard she left her mothers again to her 20 yr old bf. she is only 16.
so i know everything you r going through.
Hear if u need to chat
acer

Oh Dear ExCool

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. My SD16 sounds a lot like your SD (except she has stepped it up a bit and is outright vicious) but at least she doesn't live with us. I know how you feel about not wanting to expose her to your daughter. We're in that boat together! I've offered SD16 one last chance to prove herself while visiting, ALONE so that she can be supervised 100%, but she refuses to visit now without her little gang-up buddy SD14.

It sounds as if you handled it very well though; I especially love the "homeless person" story. I wish I had some advice for you but all I can offer is emotional support and maybe a bit of hope. Hang in there and stay cool.

Oh Hun...I have the same SD in many ways

Though I'm sure you don't want to hear that if you've read any of my blogs.

My SD and her BM have borderline traits (meaning they have all the symptoms but won't seek any treatment therefore are not diagnosed.)

Food hoarding is one of them, as well as the campaign to undermine you and triangulate between all sibs and parents.

I have a web site that several of us from here have joined if you are interested- it gives symptoms and suggestions for dealing with them. I have also read too many books to count, but the best ones are "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the other is by one of its authors called The Essential Family Guide to Borderline PD."

The site is called Facing the Facts Borderline Family and here's the link.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/

I'm not saying every teen or BM who acts this way is borderline, I'm saying who cares if they are if using these tools helps your sanity in dealing with them in your life!

We just returned from picking up SD 14 from MILs. SD had been visiting with SIL in TX for the past week and a half, then SIL, SD and Niece 3/Nephew 1, all flew to IN to stay with MIL/FIL for the week. Add in another SIL (DH's sister who also has some sort of PD) and DH and I spent the weekend being corrected for thinking SD has a problem as it is all DH and me in their eyes. It was like a flippin' intervention. We have decided that as soon as the offer comes to take poor SD off our mean hands we are going to take it. I know SD can last a while mirroring SIL or MIL so they feel like she is the sweetest kid in the world and take total pity on her, because she did it to ME the first year and a half. BUT...

I also know she isn't capable of presenting herself that way forever when she lives with you.

Goodluck and hang in there. I often think we all need to form a formal SM retreat (we've had a few informal ones graciously hosted by a member on here and they were LOVELY!)

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I

Bingo

" I am thinking that MAYBE her letter may not be all these LIES that she just made up, but perhaps the way she PERCIEVES things in the house."

That is my SD as well. Perceived slights everywhere, and no accountability for her actions. It is our fault for having rules and giving consequences...

Especially our fault for catching her doing something inappropriate, etc.

It becomes a vicious cycle of her trying to bait us by repeating her actions that have gotten our negative attention in the past. Also, I honestly believe that she believes her perceptions of events, even though 20 other people could have been there with a different account and all agree on what happened. SD changes outright facts to fit her vision of events.

COUNSELING yes, but don't be surprised if it's hard to find a counselor who doesn't just think it's all you. We had a gem of a child psychologist for a while that saw right through SD but was good at hiding it and SD agreed to seeing her as long as she perceived the counselor was biased on her side. As soon as the counselor tried to get SD to help make something better by altering how she reacted to us, or her friends, SD refused to comply with the Dr further.

We now have a good counselor but since she can see SD's behavior as dysfunctional and focuses on trying to get SD to relate better, SD states that this counselor DOESN'T care. In SD's mind, unless someone agrees with her 100 percent on events and who's fault they are (ours) then they don't care or are lying etc.

I understand she might not

I understand she might not be BPD, but this last section in particular means she is far worse than just a typical teen-

"she's been fired for stealing, stole from her school mates, stole from us & still does. She lies, manipulates and spreads stories (often we catch her telling her mom things that we discuss privately in our room - 'walls have ears' in our house (her room is next to ours)"

Those behaviors are things that could be helped by counseling, as well as the SM/BF looking doing their own research on behavior modification.

Thanks!

Thanks for all the comments. I am happy to take blame where blame is necessary and as yet I have not replied to her letter yet and am undecided as to whether I feel I want to, but know that I should. She is a very misguided young lady and I realise that my standards are above hers (and her parents)and what has been expected of her with her bio parents and quite frankly who am I to come in and try to change that. BioMom stole from FH's business continually and this was part of the reason he failed at his business and had to declare himself insolvent, at the same time she was having affairs with his employees and best friends and the kids were exposed to this inappropropriate behaviour. Perhaps I am being too harsh, but I really don't want my BD10 to think that what she does is right. Especially the sexually activeness, stealing & lying! And she has now made friends with BD10 and invited her back into her room and is spending time with her. I don't mind that so much, as I want us all to get along. I am still furious and need time to calm down. Fortunately she leaves on holiday this Friday and I will have 3 weeks to decide how I will address her letter when she returns. She keeps wanting to talk to me about the blow-up the other night, but when I do speak to her, she gets upset and runs to her room and sulks! I know deep down she is a good kid and all I want to do is be a good role model to her, but I won't tolerate her bad and immoral behavious and example she is showing the other 2 kids in the house. I also won't tolerate her deviousness and impulsivity. If she had asked me for a food for the bf, I would have gladly agreed, as I am such a softy, but it the assumption that she can do what she wants and have what she wants without asking that gets me so angry. But having said that I also don't want to create a military atmosphere in the home. Just hard to keep a relationship flourishing in this kind of atmosphere.

I wanted to share a quote

That helped me deal with SD better. It came from a book about borderline teens. Manipulation is the number one complaint from parents. The kids seem hell bent on going behind your back regardless if their request would have been considered fairly or not. They are so desperate to have their perceived needs met and so very impulsive about everything, that often your needs, boundaries, consequences and rules are nowhere in their mind at the time they break them.

Meaning it's not about you at that moment. It's only about them and what they "need".

The quote that broke through for me was-

"Just because you feel manipulated, doesn't mean it is their intent to do so."

It was like the cliche of the light bulb going off for me. SD repeatedly breaks even the simplest rules/social graces, because in that minute for her we don't exist. All that matters is the cupcakes, or whatever it is, and getting to do what she feels necessary with them.

Hope I explained that well.

Thanks Sita Tara, I appreciate this that you have shared

with me. I studied Psychology at University in the 80's and one would think that I should know about this, but the teens of today are not the same as when we were teens. They are so much more mature for their ages in some respects, but in other respects I find them still very immature. My BD10 was sexually abused by her half brother (he is now 21) when she was about 4 years old and it only came out when she turned 6. I find her now to be very grown-up in her thinking and the way she perceives her body and her image. Sad, I know and I suppose that is why I am so protective over her where it comes to the influence of SD17. But you are right with what you say, she doesn't know why she is always in my bad books, eventhough I try nicely to explain to her, that she must ask before she does something that impacts on the rest of our lives, like moving furniture into other rooms, hoarding food for the bf or taking my clothes for her own. Since the blow-up early this week, FH and I have become very close again and we feel that we must not let this child destroy what we have worked so hard these past 3 years to build. We are a magic team together and have achieved so much - coming form a hut in someones's backyard with 2 kids and nothing, but nothing but a bed and clothes to wear, to what we have now, a nicce rented house with a pool and at least the basics in furniture and we will continue to grow and achieve our goals as time goes by, if this little baggage just gets her school done with and moves on to whatever it is she longs to be (wife, mother, door mat etc) because that's all her dreams consist of...being with this bf (18 yrs) and having his babies!

I will say that SD's therapist said something important too

In my case BM is undiagnosed, but highly likely BPD or other PD. SD too. Their family pattern of relating was a "SD and BM against DH" or "DH and SD against BM" OR when BM wanted to relate to DH, "BM and DH alone and SD sent to her room." So it was in SD's best interests to triangulate both parents so she could always have someone's undivided attention.

And I must admit when I first moved in, her ability to "seduce" adults as her personal saviors sucked me in. "Sita you are the BEST mom...Sita please help me relate to Dad better...Sita I can't talk to anyone the way I can to you..."

She managed to keep me as her guardian angel and though DH and I still stayed on the same team, SD kept the level of family drama on high, doing things to peeve DH that to someone new (ME) seemed to be overly strict or insignificant. Hence our issue with SIL/MIL now, as SD has moved onto the rest of DH's family since she can no longer fool me or have any success in triangulating us.

The therapist said that calmness between DH and me, our loving nurturing respectful relationship feels so foreign to SD, as well as leaving her feeling left out, that she tries like hell to continually stir the pot to keep things stressful in hopes of dividing and conquering us.

Anyway...

If your SD/BM/ and your DH had a similar dysfunctional relationship, perhaps that applies in your situation. In mine, SD could tell one parent something to upset them at the other even during the marriage, and especially so after. SD feels somewhat in control of them that way. But has never been able to feel in control of me. That's become her goal in life unfortunately.

You are here

Been a silent visitor on the site lately....

Comments