Sorry I haven't been around....but now I've done something very bad...
I have told FH that I cannot live with SD17 any longer after a blow up this morning between SD17 & BD10 over a packet of noodles! It was the straw that broke the camels back for me. SD17 came home from the holidays on 19/7 from her bf, announcing that she was engaged. FH was visibly hurt by this and very quiet for a few days but now has accepted it. However, the whole dynamic has changed in the house and madame is acting out the 'bride to be' even though a date has not been set (let alone permission received from the parents...yes, I know that is old fashioned, but I'm an old fashioned gal). She has been openly disrespecting me verbally and also challenging any decisions I make in the household. I told FH that if it were my daughter I would ask her to break off the engagement and wait until after she completes her grade 12 (as per our agreement). He didn't do this. So after she scremed at BD10 this morning, I said to FH that I think that we must split up and live on our own. He was heart broken and appealed to me to change my mind. I said that I could not live in the same house as her and that BD10 & I would look for alternate accommodation. He then asked me what I felt could be done to selvage the situation. I replied that either she goes or I do. I see no other solution. Please my cyber-friends help me with this one, my heart is breaking ...I am losing the only man that I have ever loved.
I tried the 'disengaging thing' and she just threw it in my face that I treat my daughter differently to her and her brother. She said that she was only trying to get the kids to help around the house (by screaming at them and making us all unhappy!)and trying to make it a better place for us to live in so we don't need to waste money on a domestic and her dad would have more money to spend on her school books...I can't stand this anymore...I feel like my life is falling apart. And to top it all, I get a phone call from my ex to say that BD10 wants to go and live with him as she cannot handle the fighting in our house anymore. She has been very tearful since she got back from the holidays with him, but when I asked her, she said that she wanted to be with me, but just misses her dad badly. Tonight FH & I are going to sit down and decide on our future. But what if he hates me after SD17 leaves? He says he won't & that our future together is very important to him because in a few years all the kids will be gone and what will we have left? Miserable and alone? Sorry this is long...just need advice....
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at least you are no longer in limbo...
...trying to disengage, trying to cope. For better or worse your situation has come to a head and things will be different. Now is the time to take a deep breath and try to make decisions (as unemotionally as possible) that are best for you, your daughter and your husband. My only firm recommendation is that the SD have nothing to do with developing these decisions. She seems to assert too much power in that household as it is.
Does your DH (FH?) see her behavior? Does he know that she is behaving like an awful person and just is failing to back you up?
Yes he sees her behaviour and tries to correct her but when he &
I fight about it, he gets all angry and shouts at her and even starts banging things around (he has a temper which he used to act on in his past and now tries to keep under raps and mostly does, except when the kids push him to the limits!)
You right about her having too much power in the household. She is going to hate me even more tonight when she finds out I want her to move out! FH is trying to get her to board at the Home School Mother's place...just don't know how long it will be before she gets kicked out there! (Assuming H/school Mom agrees)....
Thanks for the advice, I am also relieved that it has come to a head because I was so very unhappy.
sounds like
SD17 needs to know her role in that home. She thinks because she got engaged that she is an adult and FH needs to make it clear to her that she is NOT and will NOT continue her behavior in HIS AND YOUR home. She does not need to take it upon herself to parent her brother or your child and needs to leave that up to you all. I can't blame you, I'd leave too if it were that bad.
They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me.
Excoolmom
Boy sounds like my household, except SD is 14, she yells at my son especially for speaking at all. I too was in you exact same place, DH has done so much better, But after this last weekend I told DH I can't CAN'T live like this any longer. My DH is off on the weekends as are the kids and me. We use to LIVE for the weekends!!! It was FAMILY time!! Now we totally dread the weekends. How many people do you know live for MONDAY? Since we got 50/50 JC in Feb. our lives have been a total living HELL!!!
I am so sorry, I wish I could give some advice or help. I will stay close to this blog as it is my life almost to a T! I spend my whole week trying to deal with the hell SD has brought the weekend before. By the time tuesday comes I am so VERY depressed and emotionally ill, It really takes me untill she returns to recover!
Well FH & I chatted last night after my dreadful ultimatum
and he has made some decisions but asked me to give him an idea of how long he had before I up and left. I explained that it was not my intention necessarily to leave as I love him dearly and we have a life which we have struggled and created together and where must I go anyway (nearest relatives are a day's drive away!)? I would prefer us to find a solution to the SD17 problem. He had been giving it some thought and had decided 1) SD17 needs to find a job to get her out of the house more and/or community service to keep her busy and teach her to give rather than take 2) he needs to establish from her fiancé what his plans and intentions are, as we know that SD17 is not popular with his parents either and if they intend to marry, when will this happen? and where will they stay? 3)If SD17 can board somewhere close to her home school, as an option 4) if we can get out of our lease on our house and move closer to an area where SD17 can find her own way to school & her job, to free us from all the fetching and carrying and where she can be closer to her school mates. But FH still thinks I want to leave and is very depressed and down about that. I really don't want to leave, but just cannot stand the constant fighting in my home. I have become a recluse in my own bedroom since she moved in, for fear of conflict with her. Now we can't even have our regular 'date night' for fear of what she will do with the younger kids. Also I cannot lock my bedroom yet as we need to buy a lock because she goes into our bedroom when we not there and helps herself to our things. I didn't mean to be nasty and give him an ultimatum yesterday, but I just didn't know what else to do. I really don't expect him to throw her out on the street! I have alos thought that BD10 & I should start a weekly activity that takes us away from the home sometimes, even on the weekends when FH entertains. By the way, SD17 doesn't know about the ultimatum yet, as FH doesn't want to tell her until he can put a plan into place.
Thanks DPW, but I can't imagine my life without FH and all our
dreams we have of when the kids leave home and how we are going to join the ships and cruise around the world, making a living on his entertaining (he is a Yamaha keyboard demonstrator) while I play the sax (I am busy taking lessons). The whole thing is that when we are without our kids we get on so magically and never fight, just bask in the glory of our love. Put the kids (mainly SD17) back in the picture and the wheels fall off for us!