Any Impossible Situation---Anyone With Experience
My husband and I got a call yesterday from BM's boyfriends exwife. She was calling to let us know that he was afraid for the kids safety because BM's boyfriend had once been accused of "touching his daughter innapropriately". She told us that the child was tested several time and was found to have been sexually abused and another party "caught" him abusing her but he took a lie detector test and passed (he is also a police officer). You can probably imagine how worried we are as we have two small daughters who spend 50% of their time in his house! Any advice?
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That's a tough one for sure...
You never know if it's sour grapes (like many of the BM's we deal with here) on her part, or if it's the truth.
How old are your skids again? Are they old enough to understand that if anyone touches them anywhere a bathing suit covers that they need to tell you?? (with the exception of their BM or you bathing them that is).
Hey LN
Great minds think alike. We were both responding at nearly the same time with nearly identical responses.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
I tell ya Princ
I think we were separated at birth!!! lol...
I'll take YOU over my "real" sisters ANY day!!
Tough Spot
Tough spot to be in. How can you really know that this is truth or retaliation? You can't. You don't. You will just have to be very open with your daughter's about their bodies and not allowing ANYONE to touch them inappropriately. Not mommy, daddy, etc. Teach them about appropriate touches. A hug or kiss on the cheek. This man should never kiss them on the mouth. Holding hands. Never hand on the thigh or private regions. Teach them to come to you if something is bothering them.
I was molested as a child. I only wish that someone had told me these things. I thought that it was all my fault. In fact, I kept my secret until I was in my early 20s. It devastated my parents to find out that I'd been being abused and they had no clue. WHY? My parents were busy with life. My grandmother had died and my parents took on 3 more kids (her younger 3 siblings around my age). There was a lot going on and I was GOOD at pretending. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE, not relatives or friends suspected that was going on. TEACH them. If you empower your girls the guy will not touch them. WHY? Because a molester looks for someone that is meek and shy and quiet. Someone that he can intimidate and control. I was that type of kid. NOT anymore. ANd I made sure that my BD and my SKIDS were not either. We have a relationship where they are not afraid to come to me. I'm not saying coach your kids to try and set this guy up. I am not saying make a big deal out of this without having proof. I am saying do that which you CAN and go from there. This can be retaliation and then again it can be truth. How can you ever know without a papertrail or proof?
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
We have a somewhat similar situation
BM claims that her step father sexually abused her (no one is sure with her history if there's is any truth to that) when she was young and yet she allows all of the skids, including SD11 to be around him and stay the weekends with him. Last year when we told BM that we do not want them to be around him she said she wouldn't and you can imagine how fuming i was when BF and i went to pick them up and there was Grandpa _____ working out in BM's yard. I would say call childrens services and at least have it investigated. Call it in anonymously and if it at least was investigated then they won't know if it was you or the BF's ex, and you'll have the info you need.
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege"
HoneyB
I would say that BMs behavior is weird. I'm no professional, but having been a victim myself...NEVER. I protected BD and my SKIDS from my abuserS. They were never allowed to go around them. NEVER. So this seems quite strange to me. I would never allow them to be placed in harms way. NO way NO how. In fact, once I was brave enough I told all of my relatives that had small kids so they could protect their kids as well. This may be what BM is doing but it is weird that you would allow your kids around the person that abused you. NOPE!!!!! After I came out to others I discovered that I was not the only victim. But all those years I thought that I was. Go Figure.
It is a touchy situation and you can ruin a person's life. I say get proof and info before anything else.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
the ex-wife
Might be the mother of the daughter of whom BM's boyfriend is accused of molesting. If that's the case, then you and DH should meet both the ex and the daughter face-to-face to discuss this, in a setting where the daughter feels comfortable. If the daughter doesn't want to meet you and discuss this with you, because this is a painful issue to talk about, you should still meet with her mom. Did the ex say if BM's boyfriend was ever questioned or charged? Does he have a rap sheet?
Even if she's not the mother of his daughter, you still definitely need to look into this and meet with her. Ask her why, besides what supposedly happened to the boyfriend's daughter, she thinks this. Does she ever interact with the kids? Does BM's BF act strange & inappropriate around the kids, and she (ex-wife) sees this?
Have you noticed the kids acting differently? Google "signs of sexual abuse in children" and "signs of sexual molestation in children." Even if they don't display any of the listed signs/symptoms, still keep an eye out, because something could still have happened, and they're afraid to let on that they were abused.
Talk to BM. Talk to your lawyer about how you can legally see if the boyfriend has been abusing the kids. If BM is standoffish, again contact your lawyer and see where to go from there.
I will pray for you all, and hope with every ounce of my being that they're ok.
(((HUGS))) to you all!
Thank You
Thanks to everyone for the advice. We did talk with BM about it and she denied the allegations, as expected. She gave us the typical "his ex is crazy" response. He does not have a rap sheet and was not convicted on anything. He is a police officer and his ex thinks that is why he was not charged even though his daughter showed signs of abuse. We plan to contact our lawyer, just in case but other than that we realize that there is not much else we can do but educate our children. Even so it is a hard pill to swallow. The thing that scares us the most is that BM hardly knew this man before moving the children in with him (1 1/2 months). Thanks again!
How long since they separated?
Is this a new ex or an old ex. Meaning how much time had passed from the breakup to now? Not to discount anything, but we all know that some of our BMs are more than capable of being vindictive enough to lie like this. THAT is the only reason I said what I said. Investigate or do whatever you need to do, but men do get blamed for crap even when they are innocent. TREAD carefully for your daughters sake. You know your gut feeling so go with it.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
Child abuse should never be taken lightly....agreed !
Princi has good advise here...I recomend listening. Police Officers might get out of a ticket every now and again. But I can tell you if there is an investigation regarding child abuse it will be documented somewhere in his record...IAB maybe?
Should the boyfriend's ex be lying that is defimation (sp) of character, and is unlawful and she could be charged. I think that you talking to BM openingly was the best thing you could have done. He won't dare touch your kids knowing that you suspect if it is true and he is aware of crazy x's accusations if it's not.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Precisely
It is just a sad and unfortunate thing. I would definitely look into it, but I wouldn't try to create problems where possibly none exists. That's where everything is sticky. IDK how I forgot about IAB. Hell BM accused DH of some pretty awful stuff (all lies), even got a restraining order against him and the Courts made him surrender his weapon. It was uncovered that there were a lot of discrepancies in her story and they thought there was no truth to her claims. BUT that didn't stop it from blackballing DH within his Department. Any time a promotion comes around and they pull that IAB file, guess who gets passed over? You betcha. Even though DH has the experience and more qualifications than those that do end up getting promoted over him. Has happened 4 times already. THAT and the fact that it is in the freaking file stating that he was innocent. They still hold it against him that the charges were filed. He even had to get an attorney and FIGHT to have his weapon returned to him. Took a year. Was ordered to go to Therapists and have a Fit for Duty Exam for both the Department AND the military. TWO therapists and a Chaplain all concluded that he was FINE. He eventually was COURT ORDERED to have his weapon returned to him. EVEN with all of this the damage has already been done.
This is why I say be careful and mindful and sometimes women will say things to tarnish a guys reputation to get back. It is so hard to figure the best course of action here. If you move forward and he is innocent you risk ruining a guys career. If you proceed cautiously and he is guilty, you risk possible harm to the kid. I can only say pray on it and do what the heart/God tells you to do. GL. Please keep us posted.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
Thanks Guys
Thank you so much for all of your advice. We are absolutely keeping an open mind about this. I know that our BM has said some nasty and untrue things about our household so I can understand that as a possibility in this situation. His ex is claiming that she didnt tell us anything that wasnt avalaible in court records but unfortunatly we do not have access to those.