Totally Confused
So, here is my situation...
I am a single mother. My daughter is almost two years old. I met a great man that has recently been divorced. We have been dating since January 2007. We werent as careful as we should have been and wound up pregnant. We are both okay with the matter although now, I am not so sure that he is. He has two girls, one is 6 and the other is 3. He has regular every other weekend and a couple times a week visits with the girls. His ex is not high and mighty on the idea of him dating although she dates someone herself.
I have been getting to know the girls and they have grown on me quite a bit. They love hanging out with my daughter and me and the relationship between my bf and me has been going great. We are trying not to make things happen too fast even with a new baby on the way that is due in October.
He finally told his ex that he and I are expecting and sh** hit the fan. She started freaking out and thinks that we are the most irresponsible people on the planet. She thinks and is putting in his head that I am going to just be here till the kid is born and get him for support...which is NOT the case. I am head over heals for my BF and would never do that to him.
Here is the problem... Since we have been dating.. the girls always love to come over to my apartment.. we live across the hall from eachother, my BF and I. Now that I am starting to show,.. his EX doesnt want me around the girls because they do not know that daddy is expecting NOR do they know that we are even really dating. I am having trouble with this topic with my ex because I feel like it is not my place to say or dictate anything nor any opinion that I might have. That is how almost everything has been making me feel like lately. He never wants to talk about the baby and I am 20 weeks along!
I ask him how he is going to tell his girls because the oldest still "thinks daddy should marry mommy again and then mommy wont be alone" and I have a fear of "being the one who stole daddy for good." When I ask him, he has no resolution and keeps putting it off. His ex doesnt want them to know until AFTER the baby is born and THEY BOTH WANT ME TO HIDE!. They want me to tell the girls they cant come over to my apartment anymore to hang our or play with my daughter and make up lame excuses all the time to cover it up. I am totally afraid of getting the "question" from the oldest because I respect and love his daughters to death and I strongly believe that they shouldnt be lied to!
They have such a negative point of view on this baby that I am in a state of depression and even contemplating adoption or separating from my BF just to get away from it all. I feel that it is wrong that I have to HIDE from the girls and that they want to put it off and wait forever to tell them about thier new soon to be baby sister or brother. I can see the point that we are not married and dont even live together and that might make the eldest daughter question more things, but I am upset that he hasnt even told her that "daddy has a GF and isnt getting back with mommy". That is why she still thinks that they will.
I was a child of two divorces and see and understand FIRST HAND!! what the girl's reactions might be, but I also think about ... what if they are happy, what if this will help the oldest move on in the thought that mommy and daddy are NOT getting back together?
My depression keeps getting worse because now every time I hear the girls across the hall say " Can we go over to Jacquelin's, my BF says " Well, I dont think she is feeling well today, or I dont think that she is home, you must be hearing someone else's door and so on..." That HURTS!... I feel like I am labeled as this huge problem to them and his ex and that he is doing everything he can to focus on his ex's happiness and not his own or mine and the baby's. I know that sounds selfish, but what else am I to think? How do I deal with this? Am I wrong to feel this way? Does anyone have any pointers or suggestions that may help? I miss those two little girls to death and feel like he only wants me apart of thier life and his when it best suits them all.. everyone BESIDES the baby and me. Im just so lost.. I feel as though I have no right to this baby or the decisions made around the baby....
what to do...
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Comments
Keeping this kind of secret is never a good idea.
Neither is letting a total stranger decide your life. It doesn't matter what the BM thinks, wants, needs, decides, etc. This is you, your life, your boyfriend, your pregnancy and yes, your family. YOU decide. If you start now letting her make such important decisions for you, then you're just opening yourself up to a world of heartache. Talk to your boyfriend now and let him know that you love him and, despite not planning it, you are ready and prepared to be a family with him, his children, your child and the baby on the way. But make sure he understands that boundaries with the ex will have to be established and he is going to have to be 100% committed to sticking to the program if it's going to work. Good luck!
BTW, my husband's ex was fine with me until I got pregnant about six months after we got married. She found out on Friday and filed a lawsuit on Monday to get more CS. It's been hell ever since... we've been married almost six years now. I'm BM to BS9 and BD4, and SM to SD15, SD14 and SS11.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
That Is Insane
I don't mean to be harsh, but first of all its not his ex's business whatsoever what you two do. He didn't and shouldn't have even told her about the baby, and tough shit he is going to be a daddy to your child so he had better start putting you first. Just talk to him, and tell him that his ex needs to not be made aware of your plans. When the girls visit he needs to make sure they get used to the idea that you are there to stay.
If he starts to back away, and doesn't want a future and plans to base all his moves on his ex, then so what move on. The reality is he will be paying support, and if he didn't want another child he could have gotten fixed or NOT have had sex. My feelings are when two people have sex they have BOTH ok'd the possibly of a child.
I suspect you mans biggest problem is he needs to stop talking to his ex and only do the drop off and pick up thing. Talk to him about all this, and based on his views I think you'll be able to make a decision.
No Way
Please stop hiding or going along with what his ex thinks. Its not her business to begin with, and you should be proud and happy. All I can suggest is to have a long talk with him, and by all means go over there when his kids are there, and proudly announce it if you have to. Both of you need to start planning for the baby's arrival and that includes the baby room, costs etc. You should be happy because you'll have a beautiful family that will always be there. If he doesn't want to be a part of it, he has that choice. But he chose to have a child and will be supporting this child for many years. Most importantly be happy, your a winner either way.
So sorry
I really feel for you. This is a TOUGH one. I think that whatever you do, you need to put yourself and your little girl FIRST and foremost. If that means having this baby and remaining a single mom, than do it. If it means adoption, then so be it. This guy is not impressing me at ALL. it really sounds like he is either not completely detached from the ex, or he is worried that if he pisses her off, he'll feel support/custody ramifications. And of course, some men are famous for giving their balls to their ex-wives so this could be it too. Regardless, this is a BAD idea. Telling the girls NOW to get them ready is what should be happened, not waiting until a baby is born out of the blue and expecting them to just accept it.
I know that divorce is tough on kids, but lying and painting false pictures of what will happen is worse. These girls believe that their parents are going to get back together, and so yes, they probably WILL be angry with you. But that's Bm and Bf's fault, NOT yours, and certainly NOT your unborn child's. I am about to be a single mom myself (also with a 2-year-old DD:) so I won't tell you to just kick him to the curb and do it all on your own without at least attempting to get through to him. Seems he needs a good kick in the pants...maybe a little bit of an ultimatum? If he can't face the reality of life as it is, then his kids never will either. The BM has zero place in this and he needs to get that NOW. It just may be that he thinks he can keep you in his back pocket until he's ready to deal with this, and it's possible that you could shock him by giving him the bottom line.
Please keep us updated--and happy belated Mother's Day (to all!)
Krissy
My advice
I know it is hard to think positive at a time like this but I think that is probably the best thing you can do. Maybe try telling yourself that these other people are not in control of your life and that ultimately you decide what happens to you. It is not good for your baby or your daughter or yourself for you to be so upset, so like all the women here I would encourage you to talk to BF, but before you do that I would do some hard thinking on your own and then write it down. Think about what you want to see happen, what it is going to take for that to happen, and what you are going to do if it doesn't happen. By writing it down you can start to make sense of what must be a very confusing situation. Also, by doing something constructive to rectify the situation, you may find that you feel better and more empowered. That is just my opinion but it has always helped when I had something difficult to figure out.
Agree with Krissy ...
I have to agree with Krissy ... my DH and I had a pregnancy 3-months after we started dating, and he wasn't even divorced yet. We discussed how we were going to tell Ex ... because they generally have to deal with all the quesitons from the S-kids. We lost the baby before we told her, but I have to agree with Krissy, almost 100% ... no one is going to take care of you except for you.
I would sit BF down and tell him how all this has made you feel. Either he steps up to the plate and assumes responsibility for his part in this, or he needs to move on. I BF doesn't want to support me and my feelings over Ex ... I'd have serious questions about weather to stay with BF or move on.
He needs to be a man and tell his children what's going on ... then after he's told them, before they go back to their mother's he should let her know that he told them. But to support her over you ... OUCH!!! I'm so sorry about that! I think I would have ripped my DH's head off if he had done that.
Hang in there ...
What??? "They" have an
What??? "They" have an opinion about what you and your BF should do? There is no "they" anymore. He should not be letting her dictate how he handles his relationships or how he decides to parent his children. His relationship with you is none of her business. If she wanted to continue to run his life she should have tried harder to make their marriage last. These types of things are out of her hands now.
You need to stand up for yourself. If he does not back you up in this I would really have a long hard look at the future you will have with this man. Do you want his ex dictating everything you do in your life? Because if he refuses to stand up to her then she will...