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Why isn't DH telling me and would this make you mad?

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 7:26am

Regarding this post from yesterday.

http://www.steptalk.org/node/208882

So last night, as we are in bed for the night, I ask DH "So what is going on with MSD's BF that is so bad."

DH acted like he didnt hear me/basically ignored me while I repeated the question like 3 more times.

Finally he mumbles "Dont worry about it."

Well now I am annoyed. Typical DH. He is REALLY bad at communication and even worse when it deals with me asking ANYTHING about the skids that he doesnt want to talk about. He does his typical: ignore me while I repeat the question several times, not make eye contact and basically tell me to not worry about it or leave it alone.

The way I work is if you purposely dont tell me something, its going to make me want to know even more. So of course I keep asking DH over and over. His responses:

"Don't worry about it."
"Its not your problem, it's mine" Which I am like, MSD is an adult, so its not your problem.

So really all I got out of it was "Dont worry about it."

I am really annoyed by this now though. I feel like he is being disrespectful by basically blowing me off. I am asking him a question. Why cant he answer it? I am his wife and an adult. All he has to do is answer the damn question.

My best guesses as to why he wont answer is because he really doesnt want to talk about whatever is going on and he knows I will ask several follow up questions.

OR he knows whatever it is is bad enough that I am going to think even worse of his precious special snowflake MSD. He probably knows its just more ammo that I will have to "use" against MSD and her stupid choices.

Comments

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 7:39am

I was asking because I am curious about it. Knowing that DH is so mad about something to do with MSD BF's has me curious as to what it is. My wanting to know is just curiousity.

MSD's bad choices sometimes come back to affect my household, so I usually like to know all that I am dealing with.

I'm not really "mad" just annoyed that DH wont tell me.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 7:48am

Its not really knowing what is going on with MSD that is bothering me... its the fact that I asked my husband a question and he is basically blowing me off.

DH's response to MSD is really out of the ordinary for him, so I'm like okay what is going on... ask DH... Crickets....

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 7:53am

You are right. Its not worth the tension Smile

You are right, the details dont really matter in the grand scheme of things. They only matter because I am nosey Smile

Double right today LadyFace!

leslie814's picture

Submitted by leslie814 on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 7:47am

I don't blame you for being annoyed at all. I am also a curious person.
My dh did something similar recently and it has directly led to me disengaging from skids. They are still kids though and when I pick her up from school crying and I'm told not to worry about it it doesn't concern you but I still want you to act like a mother to them I lost a lot of interest.

leslie814's picture

Submitted by leslie814 on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 8:02am

Yeah from what I can gather she got into some kind of trouble no punishment so I think that's why I wasn't told. I would judge.
Msd boyfriend likely got altered some how she made a fool of himself or has some kind of incident against a woman.

tiny kitten's picture

Submitted by tiny kitten on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 7:53am

I'm annoyed at your DH, too, because I'M curious.
I understand your annoyance, I get irritated when SO doesn't tell me things. However, my SO tells me the first time I ask that he doesn't want to talk about it. The ignoring you thing would REALLY piss me off.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 7:55am

If you ask him, I am sure he would tell you.

SS knows. DH's friends know. Because they were all together when SS told DH whatever the issue is. But me as the wife, asking, I cant know.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 8:13am

I would be annoyed if DH didn't feel he could share something that bothered him with me. So I get why you're pissed. DH used to do things like that because he was embarrassed about what his kids were doing. Eventually he loosened up because I have kids that do stupid shit too, so it's nice to be able to share our horror stories with each other and not judge each other. Your DH might be worried about his daughter and he's just not ready to share it, but maybe if you say to him "I'm sorry about whatever is going on with MSD, I just hope she's ok and if you want to talk about it, I'm here." And leave it alone.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 8:45am

I think its embarrassment. And I'm sure I have contributed to that feeling, because he knows how I feel and what I think about MSD.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 8:50am

But do you feel a certain way directly about SD or are you able to compartmentalize things? For example, I know SD14 is doomed. I also know it's not entirely her fault. Her mom is garbage and it's no secret that fucked up women raise fucked up daughters.
Because SD is a part of my DH, I can't help but feel sympathy for her and I try to help her on the EOW's that we have her. I know nothing I do will change her, but at least I can sleep soundly knowing that at least I tried to make a difference in the life of someone who my DH loves very, very much.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 9:00am

I do have sympathy for MSD because I feel part of her problem is the way she was raised and just who DH and BM are.

With that being said, she is a nasty girl. She is a thief, liar, manipulator. She will stab you in the back while hugging you. She has some really bad qualities about her. I tried over and over to forgive her for the things she did directly to me. I gave her many chances. Mainly because she is SO GOOD at playing you. Finally I realized, this is who MSD is. No matter what I do, she will still screw me over. DH puts up with it because its his daughter. Everyone else she has screwed over has realized who she is and has cut ties with her. Non family members.

But because she was a baby. And because I am a human being, I dont wish her any ill will. I think who she is and the affects of the way she lives her life is punishment enough.

I tried soooooooo many times to make a difference and to help her, even before things got so bad, as they are now. I was met with resistance from DH. Cause if it's not his way, its no way. I was always told No, I dont need to do this or that. Then when I would reach out to MSD, if it wasnt on her terms, she didnt want it. I once sent her an email, trying to make things better and offered an olive branch because she and GB were kicked out of yet another house, she replied back to my email "This is too long. I'm not reading it. Whatever."

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 10:17am

Right!

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 8:29am

IDK. I can kind of see his point in not wanting to discuss whatever MSD is up with now. You're disengaged with his children and you're likely very correct in whatever it is, it's not good and you would voice your thoughts/opinions about the acknowledge.

I 'get' it. You're curious as heck and it seems they all know but you. Things like that makes most everyone even more curious. IMO your Dh could have been more polite though in his ignoring you when you asked a simple question. Even if he had no intentions in telling you exactly what's going on with MSD's BF, there was no reason to be rude to you about it.

It's probably best you remain disengaged and hope whatever it is isn't dangerous or illegal. As DH wants to have his big hush-hush secret (as long as it doesn't affect you and or home), let him kept the crap to himself. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking about her/BF again. On the otherhand, I certainly wouldn't open my door to his daughter either if she gets herself in trouble or needs a place to flee to. If you're DH wants to act like he can handle this all by himself and it's none of your business, then be sure to keep it none of your business when he suddenly wants help or support from him about this or anything else MSD is up to or needing. Guy can't have it both ways.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/08/2015 - 2:10pm

Agree! And this is why I am bothered by it. I am sure some of it is my own doing, because of how I feel about the skids and my vocalization about them.