Yes we are responsible for our own happiness.

If the SS's were ever rude to me or at any time I felt they were running my life - I would be gone! I made the decision at a young age not to have children and tho I love my SS's, my life if not dedicated to them.

I told my SO in the very beginning - I am with you in spite of your kids.

Hey, not really answering any of your questions, but I have a question! Whatever happened with SS and his car wreck and saying BM was driving etc??

Yes, sometimes we put up with too much. Some more than others.

I told DH from day one that I wasn't going to bust my butt at work all day only to have my home run by children. I also don't put up with rude kids. SS has been told many times to walk away and think about whether he wants to continue with his behavior or piss me off.

That said, we can't control everything that makes us unhappy. My SD has missed 12 days this year and currently has a 30 percent in Math class. To say I was pissed off that DH allowed her to play and swim in the pool this weekend instead of being grounded like he told her she was, is an understatement. I told him how I felt and left it at that (but was still mad at his lack of parenting).

I think we all have to choose what we are willing to live with and what we aren't. I've had many many days were I thought I just can't do this anymore. I keep on because I love my husband and I hope my skids eventually will grow into decent humans. LOL We'll see.

SO and I have talks all the time about what I expect in our relationship and in our home.

He as their father has to support me as an adult caregiver in the home. Basically in our home I am the mom. I'm the other half of our team and if I say something it's just the same as him saying it. There is very little I don't do and even the kids are seeing me as a maternal figure of some kind. Just this weekend it was brought up that I am sort of their "half-mom" by one of his kids.

Now that being said I do see that there are things I can't do which is why I've explained what I expect from my partner. If his parenting doesn't meet my standards then they do become HIS kids and HIS problem. Tiny example. I'm at the end of my rope with the little one's bathroom issues. We're doing what we can but since BM isn't nothing will change. I may gripe on here but in our home I've left it to SO to deal with. BM is HIS issue and it's up to him to fix that. Since he can't why should I suffer too? This is one of the few things that at home I've disengaged with and even then it's not completely. I've told him my limit on it. If I see poopy underwear in the bathroom I tell him and he handles it. I worry and talk to him about how we can better handle it but at the of the day it's his.

The longer I'm with him the more this option is the one I would go with too. We're not married and if things went super sour tomorrow between me and the kids I don't think I would marry him. However 5 years down the road? I'm not going to destroy my relationship over teenagers that SHOULD be out of my home in a matter of time.

I think that's the thing. Many of the people who have stopped trying and just ignore are years in. They have given their all and to save their marriage which is the long term goal it's easier to give up on the kids.

At the end of the day it's me and my partner. The kids will become adults, they will start their own life, and they will move out.

We are, to a certain extent.

When there's a feral child in a restaurant, we can get up and leave. We can shoot the bad parent a dirty look, or let out some rude comment to make them hopefully feel ashamed enough to parent properly for the next few minutes, but we have the control - we have the choice to be there, or not.

Not so easy a choice in your home. You can always choose to be there, or not - but why should YOU leave?

It's up to the parent to reign in their kid, despite our choices.

I can ignore my dh's lack of parenting his noisy bratty kid, or I can tell my dh that I won't tolerate a noisy bratty kid and that if he cannot parent his child to NOT be a noisy bratty kid, I'm out... I have that choice.

Luckily, my DH doesn't want a noisy bratty kid either so he's generally been very open to my advice.

If you choose to live with ignoring your spouses's shitty parenting and resulting ignoramus children, that's your choice to make. It's your choice to make to bring up the subject to your partner... but it becomes their choice to deny it...

you have the choice to live with what you're willing to live with. That's it.

Our home lives with "if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" and "happy wife happy life".

I get my way... and in return, I give give give give give... I spoil the crap out of all of them. DH makes the choice to be on ss's back about specific things even if they don't bother him, because they bother ME, and in return, he has a packed lunch every day... kwim?

I think the phrase "fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me" is the mist appropriate for stepparenting.

You don't know the dynamics of your SO's relationship with the ex or kids until after you're invested (usually). Once you realize it's a crapshoot, you can stick with the status quo, make changes to better your life, or leave.

I think the folks who try to fix things and/or leave have done all they can. They did what they could/can do. However, the folks who do nothing except complain are responsible for their own unhappiness, the failure of their relationship, and the overall consequences that come from inaction. Unless they are being held against their will, they have every ability to change or leave. Failure to do so is admitting and accepting responsibility.

I was 100% responsible for my unhappiness. I knew for a long time that my ex was a lazy, dishonest man and a bad father. I chose to blame BM for a lot of his wrongdoing, although in all fairness she, too, is a nutjob, and I would often blame the skids (not outwardly).

I let exSD walk all over me. I think with her, the love was there and at times it was genuine, and because of that I let her get away with bad behavior.

I got so caught up in wanting the married/family life that I sacrificed my happiness and wellbeing to the devil. It took my ex literally spending the majority of "our" money for bills on heroin for months on end for me to wake up and walk away. Months of me taking care of his kids, who I will likely never see again.

Now I am 100% responsible for my HAPPINESS. I realize relationships have their pitfalls, but it will be give and take from here on, a partnership, a relationship based on respect where myself and my partner have each other's back and best interest at heart, or I am walking. No giving chances at practicing basic respect.

My boyfriend's kid will respect me too. For example, I had the remote over the weekend and was watching a movie. His kid walked in and tried pulling it out of my hand, he wanted to make the room dark (he was playing "scary monsters.") On occasion, I would oblige, but I don't like something being ripped from my hand. The old me would have handed over the remote after he started tantruming. The new me placed the remote where he couldn't reach it and called for dad. When I say no I will mean no. Every time.

I'm not sure I can get on board with this 'Yes he's my husband and yes those are his kids but call me selfish, my own happiness is most important.' Because I worry and consider his happiness as much as mine to be honest.

I think if you're concerned mainly for your own happiness then there is likely to be an imbalance of power in the relationship. It's ok to have boundaries and to ensure you aren't miserable - but in a marriage I don't consider my happiness above his-but more of equals.

Only we can allow ourselves to be truly happy. Only we can allow other people to have power over us. Yes, I am responsible for allowing myself to get into the position that I am in. I want my SO to be happy and I do love him but I do not require him to be in my life and refuse to accept being treated as less in order to keep him. The payoff is not worth the price, life is truly too short.

Everything is a choice....we choose what we allow because the other choice may have to be leaving, so I think sometimes, we pick what is less fearful...

These days, I only choose me and what makes good sense in my life...feels good to be able to breathe without the weight of endless poor choices hanging over me

Yes we are responsible for our own happiness, thus the disengagement.