Last week pretty much blew. The tension/issues between SO and I spanned the ENTIRE stupid week. This was mostly due to not having adequate time to sit down and discuss what we needed to discuss.

But the Universe cooperated and on Saturday FIL went to spend the night at his apartment with his wife (which neither SO or I were crazy about, but at his age, we aren't really in a place to tell him no besides we didn't think a whole not could go wrong in 1 night and his pressure wound was treated/bandaged before he went) so this gave us some much needed space and access to our bedroom to escape the rest of the house. FIL left, just after BD went down for her afternoon nap which freed up some time for SO and I to finally sit down and discuss what had happened/where we were at in it's entirety-uninterrupted.

Let me just say I am very fortunate to have found this site and all of you. Not only did you help me feel validated in what I was feeling but you also helped me puzzle through what it was I was feeling, especially Gimlet who is, just the best, and I am so thankful for her and for all of you.

SO and I discussed his "attendance" at home and why he always stops to see his brother after work. SO told me that he is very worried for his brother's mental health and he feels a sense of relief when he stops there, even if it's just quickly and BIL is okay. BIL has a lot of mental/emotional health issues and is not a well adjusted adult by any stretch of the imagination. He is 37 has not had a job in at least 10 years, decided to go to college for a CASAC (irony) and lives off the grant money he gets each semester. Apparently last semester he failed a class, lost the funding and can't go back until the fall. BIL has a 16 year old daughter who has adopted his lifestyle (why wouldn't she, she's never known anything else) and while it's his own fault, he's having a hard time right now. BIL is also in counseling and receiving ongoing treatment for his issues. I reminded SO that BIL has a therapist that he meets with twice weekly. If that person had any inclination that there was something that was a threat to BIL's safety, that person would take action to keep BIL safe or let someone in his life know. I reminded him that SO is always listed as BIL's emergency contact, so HE would be the first person the therapist called. Now, BIL and SO have had hard lives, some of the stuff they've been through is their own doing, some of it not, but they are very close-they have been all each other has had throughout their lives-so to an extent, I get empathize with this feeling of responsibility SO feels for his OLDER brother. We then talked about how SO needs to let BIL be an adult and take care of his own shit because SO has a family which consists of 3 children that he IS responsible for and they need and rely on him to be present. We talked about how our family can't come second to the grown succubi like BIL in his life. We also discussed how I am on no one's radar as far as importance goes, not even my own. We talked about how everyone assumes I have everything under control, that I can do it all myself and I don't need help because on the outside, everyone's needs are met and things *appear* to be fine. What most people don't realize is how exhausted I am, how resentful I can be and how unrealistic and unhealthy this level of expectation is, especially when you throw in that I have a career (not just a "job" that I do, I love my job, I am committed to my job, for a while I had myself convinced my "job" was the one thing I did for myself-but I actually need my job and that's not really how this is supposed to work) that takes up 40+ hours per week of my time and lately, FIL's care.

I also asked SO why he didn't tell me he was feeling this way about his brother. He said that he "assumed it was obvious" but then said that he knows that isn't fair because I can't read his mind. I told him that our home is a lot of work, it's a lot of responsibility and it's not always super fun to be parenting, cooking, cleaning, caring, managing finances and I know that. I told him when he doesn't come home from work it makes me feel like he is avoiding all of that, when in reality the majority of the "work" in our home isn't mine-it's his that I deal with. I told him that when he doesn't communicate with me and isn't in a rush to come home to help me, it leaves me to fill in the blanks myself. When I find out he's having conversations like he was with ET and then turning around and telling me I'm "acting like a bitch"-the assumption that I make is that me and our home is too much commitment for him and he's looking for something less heavy-even though all that is heavy is HIS. He told me that this could not be further from the truth. He said he is very aware that all of the responsibilities in our home are tied directly to him and he feels horrible about it. He said that he does need to work on setting boundaries with people like BIL but he needs to be more involved with this family and stop dumping all the responsibility on me. I explained how hard it is when I have all of this, he goes to work and comes home, is home with our kids awake for 2 hours out of the day. The other 22 hours a day are me VS. everything in his life. I told him I feel undervalued, taken advantage of and alone. He apologized again and told me that he is going to start doing more, staring today. Yesterday he folded AND put away about 2 weeks worth of laundry, (usually he just takes his clothing out and folds it-I told him that is not "help" that is bullshit because that leaves me with laundry to fold for his 2 kids (BD is half mine) and HIS dad-I told him taking out HIS laundry only basically represents how our relationship works-he takes care of himself and I take care of everyone else), This isn't something I should be excited about but I was over the moon. He finally said to me last night as I was telling my mom about how he did the laundry if I really was THAT surprised, I told him that I was and thanked him again because it was a huge help. He just looked at me and shook his head and said "this is really bad isn't it?" I told him I didn't know what he meant. He told me "I folded our family's laundry and you called everyone you know like I just proposed to you. Am I really THAT bad, that you're THIS surprised and happy about help?" I told him "Uh yeah, you have no idea how much that helps me" he started crying and hugged me. I think it's finally starting to sink in.

Anyway, on to ET. We discussed that in addition to all of that, in my last relationship I was treated pretty poorly. My ex would always go out of his way to do things to try to make me jealous of him, then when I asked that he not 1.) Spoon with other women on my living room couch 2.) Ask his ex girlfriend to stop sexting him at 2am 3.) Not stand me up for dates while he hung out at the bar with a group of girls or I could go on for days, I was crazy and controlling. I told SO that seeing that text exchange with ET pissed me off for 3 reasons: 1.) What is he doing offering his support to her, when he doesn't support me...like at all and I'm doing everything that I am doing FOR HIM-but being told I'm a bitch 2.) Again, this is taking time from getting home from work to help me and 3.) He's THINKING like an addict, in the proximity of addicts and their drugs of choice like WTF. I told him that he needs to be mindful of the vibes he puts out there. I told him more in depth about my last relationship, how that felt, how this felt the same as that and I asked him when he speaks to other people, especially female other people that he really watch the way in which he talks to them. There is a fine line between being a nice guy and being a flirt. I told him I felt like he crossed it. He told me that was not his intention, he has no interest in this person and then he said in a joking manner "I'm a little insulted because I have much better taste in women than THAT TYVM. What you see on Facebook is nothing like what she looks like in real life anyway." We also talked about how I don't have time to get dressed, brush my hair, how 3.5 years later I'm still rocking the mom-bod and it bothers me. I told him I would like to have time to work on myself and not have to take away from my working hours or from our children. He told me that often feels the same way about himself, he said he's too skinny, last week he didn't shower for 8 days and he wants us to do something like crossfit or some activity together. So I'll see where and if we can fit something into our budget. He also told me that he doesn't have a problem with the way that I look except for the fact that I'm the human version of exhaustion, he knows I give every ounce of my being to everyone else and he told me "it's time we start giving back and believe me I'm going to take that very seriously"

Shortly there after his Sponsor showed up. We went over the entire conversation with him. While he doesn't love that SO is smoking, he has pretty liberal views on weed. He said that SO needs to delete ET from his phone and needs to find someone who deals in only that and nothing else if that's what he's going to do or ask a friend to get it for him. His Sponsor told me that if I find out he's not sticking to that agreement I need to call him back and we need to have a bigger discussion about this.

With FIL gone for the night, I cleaned my house to get the smell of nursing home out of it, and SO and I had access to our normal space, which was really nice. For the first time in a week I feel normal again. I guess the only thing to do now is see if he puts his money where his mouth is.