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PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!

YoungWoman92's picture

Submitted by YoungWoman92 on Fri, 04/12/2013 - 11:04pm

Sad Sad Sad Sad Well my husband has a 4 year old son and at the beginning of our relationship i was fine played with his kid and everything but when i was around 6 months pregnant with my first child"his first daughter" something just made me switch up my attitude. i cant stand his kid. even hearing his name makes me angry. i honestly hate that i feel that way but it is. i even at times which his kid was born even though i didnt even know him when he had his kid. and whe he gets his son i be so mea to him, i ignore him, dont hug him, i dont even acknowledge him. but a little about me when i was 7 days old my uncle adopted me beause his sister my birth mother was doing drugs and drinking while pregnant with me and was unfit clearly.All my life i felt like a f up and that i didnt belong on this earth. i even at times feel im not worthy to be a mother to my daughter even though i know im a good mom and i love her to death. but me and my husbands are having martial issues because he things its a on/off switch i flip when it omes to his son but its something much deeper.
Does anyone have the same kind of issues as me please help. i hate feeling this way and making my husband resent me. he dont say that but i can feel it when i look at him.

Comments

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

Submitted by Great Mom but h... on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 12:02am

Deep breath. You are not alone. I have felt this too. You aren't a monster, you are a human being who is having difficulty with a relationship with your DH's son.

Nothing more, nothing less. It happens. All the time.

Can you see a counsellor to help you discover better ways to cope with the child when you do have him at your home? Ignoring a 4 year old is not going to work for very long and it is not good for you or for him. Either he will begin to act up more to make you pay attention or you will begin to lose patience with him and that could go very badly downhill.

Other than your pregnancy, what has changed?

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 1:06am

Hugs,sister. I would try to avoid to connect your childhood issues with these feelings.If you take time and browse around this site you will read a lot of similar stories to you.Being a step mom is difficult and the fact that you dislike your ss does not make you a weird or bad person. Being mean is not the right thing though, but from what you describe I can only see that you are not cuddling him a lot and ignoring him at times, which is certainly not a very good thing, but far from being malicious or mean.Maybe the judgement you speak for yourself here is a bit harsh.
Is DH cuddling SS and giving him attention? As long he is a great parent and loves his son, it is ok to step back a bit as a step parent and let him mainly do the parenting.
I am a bit in the same boat with SD 8 and I also wish I wouldn't feel so resentful towards her, too.She was brought up being a mini wife to SO and totally spoiled and even though SO is far better now and SD is not allowed to be a brat most of the time, I still don't like the child and I feel stressed when she is here.So I leave the main parenting to SO, and he does not give me grief for it.I still do things for her hat I do for my kids,and look after her if needed, but I clearly don't enjoy her being here.Maybe it does make me (and so many others here) a horrible person , but I don't think I am.I try to stay civilized and fair, but I can't force myself to love her.
If your DH pressures you with his expectations you need to educate yourself about the differences in stepfamilies-eg read" stepmonster" just because he loves his son, you can't be expected to feel the same.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 9:58am

Is it the thought of this child (as a reminder of your DHs previous relationship) or does the boy do anything or allowed to do anything that annoys the crap out of you?

I would seek counselling for your issues. And seriously, if you were not for this world the 'world' would have found a way to get rid of you ages ago. And it didn't, right? So you DO belong. You cannot choose your mother and you are lucky a relative picked you up and raised you. YOU overcame the odds and survived relatively intact.

Consider this ... that little boy has the right to feel accepted. Not loved but accepted. Can you start by treating him like you are a babysitter? Not behaving like his mother or parent because that isn't your job but like an aunt or babysitter? And consider this, if you and your DH break up would you like some woman in the future to treat your daughter like this just because she exists?

I suspect this child is a reminder of your personal history and he is the personification of your personal conflict.

Find a counsellor and be open to changing your point of view or if it is about the boy being a PITA applying some validity to your behaviour. But sweetie, I am sure you wouldn't want someone treating your daughter like this would you?

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sat, 04/13/2013 - 6:24pm

I agree with oneoffour. Having difficulty with the situation is understandable, ignoring and shunning a 4 year old is just not, and you would be deeply upset if someone treated your child that way. You don't attribute your feelings to his behaviour, but are obviously drawing some connections with your own past, so it sounds like you really need some counselling to help you cope.