Desperately seeking advice
Hello Everyone,
I am new to this site. There is no one else that understands my situation, so I am hoping any advice may get me through this point I am at in my life.
I am 28 years old and my boyfriend is 42. I have been dating my boyfriend since i was 24. He has two children one boy and one girl. Boy is 13 and girl is 12. Over the years I have had my ups and down with the mother. However, it was never due to my actions, always on her end due to jealousy. She has called me and my family names as well as called me names in front of her children. Today- we are ok. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We were engaged two years ago, and decided to call it off and spend some time apart. We finally got back together after a few months. His children and I have always gotten along pretty well. However, they are becoming spoiled brats. In addition, my boyfriend fails to discipline them and over-indulges them. His ex-wife and him have been divorced since the children were babies, so this is not anything recent. I have taken care of the children as if they are my own. He has 50/50 custody. however, over the past year i have noticed the children are disrespectful and out of control. However, when i try to tell the father, he does not want to hear it. He thinks they are kids and that is the excuse. Also- he babies them....they even sleep on my bedroom floor when they are over. when i am not there, one of them will sleep in the bed with him which i find really strange. However, he does not care what i think because it is whatever makes the kids happy. When we are not with the kids, we are great. However, when he has them it seems like he completely forgets about me and im invisible.
As stated previously, i have noticed the children have changed. Recently, the son spit in my face and drew on a picture of mine with horrible names written next to my face. When his father addressed the issue, he took his phone away for a day, had a discussion with him, and told me thats what kids do. I have become so distant i choose not to sleep there any more when he has the children. This is completely different from the last three years because i did all the motherly work. Now, i can't even stay in the same room with the children.
Besides seeking any advice on the situatio above- this is my current situation:
In a heated arguement with my boyfriend because of his ex-wife, i called her a terrible name in a text and basically trashed her. Him and i always have our discussions, so it is not like any of this is new. However, his son went through his phone and read the things i said about his mother. As a result, the father basically broke up with me because he said there was no way to fix this, his children are injured from what i said, and he doesnt know if they will ever get over it. When asked why his son was in his phone- it basically didnt matter because this was my fault.
i have not heard from him at all in the last several days. i do not know why he would go to such extremes. i feel like i am being punished! After all i did over the years, it seems like it doesnt even count. i thought as a result, he would call a family meeting and we could work the issues out. Instead- he completely shut me out and basically said this was not repairable.
Please advise. Is this normal behavior?
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Comments
I have been a step mom for
I have been a step mom for nearly 14 years. Yes. This is normal. He will choose his kids over you nearly every time. Not trying to be totally harsh; I'm sure he is a good man, a good father, etc. But get used to being second fiddle, or get out.
I just got my husband "back." As the skids have gotten older, he has loosened up and come to see that 9 times out of 10, I am right. And for us, there is light at the end of the tunnel, as the youngest SS graduates high school 2 years from today!!!
i understand what you are
i understand what you are saying..but to say i injured your children? Doesn't that seem a little wacky and over-dramatic?
Thanks. I like the Disney Dad
Thanks. I like the Disney Dad label. It is ridiculous. I just can't believe these fathers just push the step-mother/guardian whatever my label is to the side like they dont exist when their childen are involved.
i totally agree to
i totally agree to ^^^bookishworm^^^ ...congratulations you are now free!!!!!!!!! now go have fun, find a younger man you will have kids with and let the fun begin!!!!
you are too smart and really deserve someone better...we promise it wont be as bad as you have it now!!!
Truth? I think this guy is
Truth? I think this guy is being rediculous!!! He was supposed to be your mate, your best friend & you ARE supposed to be able to vent to him about the struggles with the kids mom!!! No ands ifs or buts to that!!! Him allowing his kid to rifle thru your personal text messages, then blame YOU for it?? Classless & pathetic in my opinion!! Why on earth was his kid reading your personal texts from you to your man & Im sure his sons eyes all full of sacred purity, lol, also read every text your guy wrote to you as well, right? My guess is the kids might be and perhaps have all along, read your texts to report back to thier mom. Hmm, possibility? It would also explain perhaps the kids change in behavior towards you. Read up on PAS by the way. Google it & read!!! That probably will explain to you further why the kids are being nasty to you!!! I would highly bet the farm on it!!! The spitting in your face??? No no no! That is NOT normal at all.
The other thing that sorta disgusts me, is the kids sleeping in the room, even if on the floor, is beyond weird as hell girl!!'. O. M. G!!! At their ages sweetie, ummm they know exactly what they are doing & your guy is sick enough to put up with it!!! Hun, if they are in the room with you two-then they are doing this to keep you two from being intimate. Kids at their ages do NOT want to sleep with Daddy or even sleep in the same room!! They want their privacy!!! They do not wanna be that close to their Daddy & his girlfriend!!! Im so sickened for you!! They are playing you two!!! Eweww!!
Lastly, this guy telling you that what you said about their mom cannot be fixed is soooo wrong!!!! Dont these kids have phones of their own? Thats there fault for spying & your guys fault the most for letting these teens manipulate him and you. It speaks volumes that your guy isnt contacting you. Hes an ass hun! An ass with NO balls with his kids!!! Their relationship is NOT healthy!!
If you stay with this guy- kick those manipulating kids the hell outta your bedroom. Hell, kids their age are starting to ecperiment with sex. Its sick to have them in your bedroom!!! Boy have these kids been given waaaaay too much power & seems their Dad is very very inapropriate with them.
I want to add this: IF the
I want to add this: IF the kids mom has trash talked you to these poor victim children- called you & your family names, etc. THEN why all of a sudden is your man saying you ventung to him privately, something these poor kids cant get over??? These kids are REAL good at their manipulations with your man OR is it that your man is still humg up on his exwife & HE wont allow you to vent/ put down his ex? I dunno- but i do NOT buy these kids crap & it is that... Crap.
Although you may have
Although you may have difficulty seeing it now, this is a blessing in disguise on many levels . One, he will NOT change after you get married . Two, the kids aren't going to change until they are grown (possibly not even then). Three, you are getting a birdseye view of what life will be like..PERIOD! You WILL be happier in the long run if you move on. Trust me and many of us here that live the same thing day after day and wished we'd paid more attention to the writing on the wall !
Keep walking and don't look
Keep walking and don't look back. You've been given the gift of freedom. Accept it and use it wisely. Don't interpret his breaking things off with you as some kind of challenge. This isn't a game. His kids will win every time. He's shown you that. Accept and move on.
He spat in your face! My God
He spat in your face! My God that is disgusting, this sounds like a nightmare situation for you, you are a victim of "Guilt Parenting", I am currently going through something similar, all I get is excuse after excuse, Im sick of it, my bf is on his final chance, If I don't respect myself who will? Yes they are his kids but their behavior does effect you, it is your home too, perhaps its time to put yourself first and think of your happiness, you could meet someone who has'nt got kids and puts you first.
Hello Again, I just want to
Hello Again,
I just want to thank everyone for any advice given and for this site (any addiitonal comments are also appreciated). I have googled this site before and read stories, so I decided to leave a message to ask for advice when everything fell apart to people who have been in my situation. It is difficult to get the point of view from a parent, family or friend because it is somewhat biased. Asking you all to provide any advice, being outside of my situation, is honestly going to get me through this. This has been a horrible week just packing everything and moving to the parents. Bags of clothes are all over, everything is disorganized. Ahhh! On top of that..trying to sort through emotions to deal with this. All i do is sleep. When i woke up this morning, and read all of youor comments, i know i am not alone...and i am not crazy. I have re-read all of your comments over and over and i know they assure me i am making this right decision....this man does not care about me...and it is only going to get worse. As I stated in my original post..i have not heard from him. That is what i am afraid of dealing with. He has a way of talking and manipulating the situation. The children go back to their mother today...so i am sure he will be there talking to her about what happened and how he handled it....and how he is a great dad, and my comments are not acceptable...blah blah blah.
Reading your situations, taking in your advice to me, and giving advice to others that may be having the same experience as me is making me stronger and i want to thank all of you.
Yes and once the kids are
Yes and once the kids are gone, he'll be calling you and trying to get you to come over...SEX! Don't do it. I am married to a man with two kids (14 and 18 when we got together) and he has NEVER ONCE not put me first. His kids have a lot of issues too, including SD being bi-polar and his son just plain and simple out of control (with lazy nonparent BM - DH was not allowed to parent). So our situation was ripe for Disney Dad but DH did not succumb! I agree with the others, you are only 28, there are plenty of young men who are single and want families.