I honestly LOVE my SS to death, but...
I hear a lot of people talking about how they hate their sk and I can totally understand. I have seen people bring up how they are not blood and you shouldn't be expected to love them. I totally agree. It is somewhat of a different story for me however. BM didn't know she was pregnant until she was 6 months pregnant. SO and BM broke up 5 months before she found out and him and I started dating about 4 months before she even found out. I stuck it out and we do the best we can to deal with the situation I did not know I was getting myself into. So needless to say I have been in this childs life since he was born. I helped raise him from day one and have a bond with him that can never be broken. Lately I have been so torn between feelings. There are times where I wish he wasn't around ALL the time. We have him Sunday through Friday plus we have a newborn Every day. I just want a break sometimes. I love him to death but when he spends time with his mother on Saturday, he comes back Sunday as a whole different kid. It then takes us til Tuesday or Wednesday to get him back into routine. He is now to the age where he is learning to play one person against the other as well. It is always "mom lets me do this, I don't have to do this at moms, and you are so mean SM, you are always crabby. She refuses to bring him to school when she does take him an extra day during the week. I know it is only preschool but he has to know that you can't just skip school because you don't feel like going and he has to know that he WILL have to do things he does not like to do throughout his life. I get very resentfull when he says certain things to me or gives me a certain attitude or even when I tell him one thing and he then goes and tries to get a different answer from his dad. His dad is way more lienient then I am and caves into him really easily. I will tell him no, SS5 will throw a fit and cry to dad, a few minutes later dad says "if you come here and give me a hug you can do that for a little while but only because I love you." Are you SERIOUS??? Way to undermine me!!!! Oh and btw SO, if you don't let him do something is he supposed to think that you no longer love him??? That is the message that a 5 year old is going to get out of this. Most days I absolutely love having SS5 around. I love his little jokes, his questions, and his imagination. It is the days that he is being a brat that I wish he would just leave. Both his mother and his father inable him to be a brat. I put him in time out if he throws himself on the floor whining cause I say no. SO makes him go sit on his lap and hug him. I give him specific instructions on what needs to be done and make him follow them, SO is so wishy washy I wouldn't even know what to do. BM's motto is "i'm never going to make my son do anything he doesn't want to do." That was in regards to school and the program that she let him skip. We drop SS of at BM's house at 530pm, right before dinner. I say "he hasn't had dinner yet so he might be hungry soon." she says "yep i'm working on it right now it should be done soon. Then instantly turns to SS and says "I have something waiting for you on the table..." He runs upstairs to the table and she has 15, yes 15!!!! oreos and a big glass of chocolate milk waiting for him. Right before dinner? That would never happen in our house. His snacks in our house are fruits, veggies, cheese, and yougurt. He get TREATS like chocolate milk or cookies if he EARNS them. SO and BM seem to both feed into his rude, temper tantrum,whiney, disrepectful behavior and I can't stand the way he thinks he can talk to me or treat me.
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Therapy. For your SO and
Therapy. :?
For your SO and maybe BM if she is willing, to help them see how they are damaging this child by their lack of parenting.
I don't think either one of
I don't think either one of them would ever agree. SO has a hard time accepting it when I tell him he isn't right, let alone someone he doesn't know. He has a very hard time admitting fault to anybody even if deep down he knows he is wrong. BM would never admitt any wrong because she honestly thinks she is right and she won't listen to anyone who tries to reason with her. She feels she can bribe him with treats and toys, and SO feels he can bribe him with rule breaking and "only because I love you's"
All you can really address is
All you can really address is what's done in your home, unfortunately kids, all kids learn to play divorced parents heck even non divorced parents against each other and parents fall into it, mine did and I, SO, BM, and my exH have all had to deal with it too. Only person who doesn't get the damage she's doing is BM. My kids try to manipulate exh and I but we communicate pretty well on kid stuff so they don't get away with much. SO knows BM doesn't discipline and has in fact asked him to punish them here for things they do to her he wouldn't have an issue if it's school related or a situation like grounding longer than a week which would then lead into his time, but were talking kid mouthed off to her she wants SO to spank them when he gets them 3 days later.
Your biggest challenge is going to be your DH, he has to see that what he does stunts his kid, teaches them manipulation, entitlement and disrespect and you will grow to resent him and your feelings for his child will change.
SO started out with a dd who would cry and wail if told no, if told she was in trouble anything other than yes. The first time she did it in my home he looked horrified but had no clue what to do (he had only been seeing his kids if BM thought they would get back together or she needed a babysitter and never had them longer than one over night here and there)I scooped her up put her nose to the wall and told her whining and temper tantrums meant time out and time outs start when your quiet the louder you get the longer you stand. I was firm, didn't yell, she tried to lay on the ground I looked at SO and he told her to get up or he'd give her a swat. She had to stand there for awhile and boy she got loud but she stood and once she was quiet I went and started the timer for 5 min (she was 5 at the time). SO had to learn by example he had no idea how to raise kids and I've got teenagers so I have the experience he lacks. Now if his kids whine he just pops them into time out and they stop quick, they know if they ask one of us something a we say no and they go to the other to try for a yes they get punished (which my own kids said "so it's not just us?" It works but I had to show him how and I've been very clear on what I expect in my house from all kids even the neighbor kids have stood in timeout heck I put my 17 y/o in timeout in front of her boyfriend for lipping off to me. the only time none of this worked is when SO didn't or wouldn't back me or totally undermined my basic rules, rules he's agreed to and enforced before and I was clear if he wanted me to back him he had to do the same and that is a basic part of a relationship, support, and if he could not support me and be a team then we needed to address where our relationship was going. It's always a compromise.
When was the last time you and DH got a babysitter and went out? Take a break it's okay especially with a newborn.
Not to be negative, but I see
Not to be negative, but I see bad things in your future. I met my ss when he was 1. He lived with dh and I-so I bonded quite easily to him and loved him. But that bond was broken. Him threatening to kill my bio kid, relentless bullying my bios, yelling at me daily, stealing my panties all helped break that bond quite well.
BUT-dh and bm set me up the same way that yours are setting you up. YOU are the heavy, the disciplinarian. They apparently dont care about teaching him morals and values-only about being the good guys and their loving relationship. Meanwhile, this child is going to grow to resent you because YOU are the only one that is making him behave and even his mommy and daddy dont back you up when you get onto him. He's just going to think YOU are mean. He's not going to understand that you are the one parenting him correctly. And that you are doing it out of love and caring. You need to have a serious talk with your dh and he needs to start doing the primary discplining with YOU backing him up. Perhaps you can show him some of the horror stories on here of kids that have had too much guilty parenting and are totally out of control by the time they are teens.