I think it is a controle thing for them! I know that BM does it to SD all of the time. She is always making her feel bad for coming to her dad's house and leaving her at home all alone! Not SD'S Problem!!! I can't imagine making your kids feel like that! I don't have any children of my own, but I can honestly say that if I were in that position, I would do anything to make my kids happy, not unhappy all of the time!

NCP should have rights too!
My now 6 y/o ss would be very standoffish to me at every visitation and I know it was due to what bm was saying about me to him. I have never pushed myself on him, by trying to hug him or hold his hand ect. The more he came around, the more he grew closer to me as his friend..I could tickle him, he would give me a little hug here and there..but when it came to dropping him back off, he actually told his dh and me in the car, that he couldnt give me a hug goodbye because mommy was going to be there...so I made it a secret hug, we would pull over somewhere close by drop off, I would get out of car, come around to backseat and give him a hug and kiss on the cheek. At drop off he would get out, give daddy a hug and go with bm..It became our little secret. I am a biomom and stepmom and I would never do this to my children, their relationship with dad and whatever g.f is in his life is between them, I dont even ask any questions.For most, including the bm I have to deal with, it is a control and insecuritiy issue...afraid stepmom will be liked better ect.The sad part is that if we show our schildren the opposite of what the bm,s say about us to them, then they are hurting themselves in the long run..children are not stupid, they observe and learn quickly who to trust...the bm,s are hurting their relationships with their own children.

In my case both SDs are with my DH and me for 95% of the time and BM still does this. The kids just want to "please" the mom and if talking trash about the other parent/step-parent does that then it's their way to get the attention from BM. Personally I think it stems from jealousy. The BM in our situation is truly psycho, bipolar, you name it. But she isn't remarried and wants to still have my DH at her beck and call. Because DH rarely communicates with her (finally!), unless it directly involves the kids, she likes to badmouth us at every visitation. Just do the best you can when they are with you, don't badmouth the BM (I know it's HARD), and one day they will understand. Good luck and welcome to the site

Being a Bio mom I can't understand that question either. I want my kids to be happy that there dad has moved on. I hold no grudges against there relationship and Frankly I am relieved that a woman is there now, because woman are different with kids. But I have pondered that thought too. I think most of it is just plain jealousy of the child(ren) loving the Step parent more. Although its insane because like us parents who love our children instantly and unconditional so do kids love us bio parents that way. Look at the criminals who's parents were abusive and crap, they still love there parents..
SO to answer your question. I don't know.. Just often have wondered the same thing..
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

I, too believe it is an insecurity thing. I remember when Dh and I got together the EX made it very clear that I am not SD mother and that she has only one mother. I never acted that way...actually I was quite hands off for awhile. Then when SD started to care for me..she was told she couldn't refer to me as Stepmom. So, I have just chalked it up to some insecurities and jealousy. I am a BIOmom as well and I love all my kids..step or bio.

I always wonder if I was in that situation wouldn't I feel good knowing that my kids are just loved and cared for? and that they want to go see Daddy. That I would put them first. I hope I would.

I agree wholeheartedly. What an abominable thing it is for them to make the kids feel like they have to choose. In my opinion, a huge number of BMs make this a campaign of denigration over the long haul. The poor kids don't stand a chance, let alone the Dads. I wrote a post about this on my blog called "Why does this have to be a competition?" You can see that post at http://stephaniesplace.wordpress.com/2007/06/06/why-does-this-have-to-be...

Stop by my blog at http://stephaniesplace.wordpress.com

Good for you!! We do the SAME THING!
It is very sad when these mother's force their children to feel torn apart, but we have found that keeping their 'real' feelings a secret really helps! My SD calls me "mom", she did this all on her own without any influence. Well, when bm caught wind of this she told SD not to call me "mom" anymore. SD was very hurt and told us that she wanted to call me "mom" but she also didn't want to hurt bm's feelings and "make her cry".... yeah, bm is sick enough to manipulate her own little girl by telling her that if she calls me "mom" or loves me, or misses me then it will make sad and she will cry. So, DH and I talked with SD and decided that she can still calls me "mom", just not around bm. It is sad though, SD tells me, "you are so pretty, but don't tell my mom I said that!" Kids are smart, and they do figure it out.... Its just too bad that they are put in the position to feel as if they need to choose.

My skids have always been very demonstrative in their affections towards me, so I feel pretty lucky that, before they turned into atrocious teenagers anyway, I got lots of hugs and lovin' from them. I remember one time my SS even telling me on the phone that he liked the birthday cake I made him better than the one his mother bought him. She was sitting right by him and she said, "SS! That's not very nice!" I thought it was cute, but I totally understood how she felt. The kids have always been pretty uninhibited when it comes to showing me affection in front of their mom and at first I wasn't sure how to act. Act too lovey dovey with them and it'll tick her off. Act standoffish and she'll say I don't like her kids. I just did what felt natural, which was hug them back, tell them I love them, etc. As a BM, I know that this would break my heart just the tiniest bit, too, to hear my children telling another "mom" that they love her, but I also know that I would rather my children be loved than hated by a new stepparent. I think my skids' mom feels the same way, but she's still just insecure enough to keep them from us for long stretches of time so that it interferes with any bonding we might do with them. I know she's said ugly things about us in front of them, too, but I think they see through her.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

When SS started coming to my house, he wouldn't eat the food for the first several months. He was told he didn't have to listen what his father said. As recently as a week ago (after 2 years), he was told that his father wouldn't "take the time" to take him to a baseball game (mom wouldn't take him because it was "too hot"). This woman tore their family apart (kidnapped SS for 4 days-left for a man twice her age with $$$), had a kid with the new guy...has totally started a new life, and yet she feels the need to emotionally abuse her kid because she doesn't want to be anything less than the perfect single mom raising her kid without the help of his so called "deadbeat dad" (which of course is BS). It definitly revolves around control and insecurity on her part, but I really think that biomoms like this should face criminal penalties for these behaviors. The problem is that most of them get away with it- so why on earth would they stop?

a struggle for SS to show affection to me in front of BM because of the way she reacted. She never outrightly would say anything, however her body language would just reek of major insecurity and disgust. She just hated it, and SS picked up on it very quickly, however, I pressed on and DH wouldn't let him go without acknowledging me in some manner... because it was about manners and respect at that time. He didn't force him, but he would insist that he say good bye to me, etc. Eventually, he started to hug me, and eventually after that, his mother started to 'give him permission' to come hug me (not that he needs reminding, it's just showing that she's letting go of her insecurities). Now, it's been quite a few years later, it's second nature and genuine. He doesn't hesitate to come say hello/goodbye, give me a hug hello/goodbye, etc. And his mother, just in the recent year, has finally reminded him to come to me, commenting me as 'family' now...it's still all very weird to me... but it's good and I'm rolling with it! There is no question anymore that SS loves me, and I love him and BM couldn't deny it anymore.

I firmly believe that the only reason that the bios make the kids 'chose' is because of their major insecurities, anxieties and nothing else. Think about it this way, their marriage/relationship failed with BF... therefore, they don't want to be a failure as a mother too, so they are extremely insecure.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

my ex lets my boys know that he does not like my new husband so it is like they feel like they can't like him either because "daddy doesn't" My husband does more with them than there Dad has ever done (except coach sports thier Dad does do that) but he is the one that takes them places buys them the things they need/want, plays basketball with them and so on. But what do you do when your 6 yr old looks at you and says my daddy doesn't like DH. I just tell him I know that but it is ok for you to like him and he replies DH is my buddy. This has to be hard on him all I can do is hope that one day he they will stop looking through daddys eyes and grow to form their own opinion

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow