OK, I wished it to happen, but I never would have thought she'd do this!!
Well, BM was hauled off to jail today. She somehow got the opportunity to call DH before hand and said, "You're ruining my life... it's all your fault...this is all over nothing, just stupid child support..." I'm glad she thinks that the money she pays to raise her child is nothing, but I digress. Now I am very concerned that she may tell SS about this, as a ploy to turn SS against DH. Especially since (read last blog) she told SS about the warrant. HE'S 13. He doesn't need to know about this. By the way, DH had NOTHING to do with this warrant, in PA everything is automated by the domestic relations office. She didn't show up for a hearing that THEY ordered and now she's in jail for contempt of court. I guess when I was hoping for her to finally get what she deserves, I didn't think about the fact that she would try to use this against DH. I feel guilt about wishing for this to actually happen. But the more I think about it, I realize that I didn't have anything to do with it, and no matter how much I wanted it to happen, it didn't change the outcome. I guess I just thought that she would feel enough shame to not involve her child, but obviously I didn't think about the she doesn't think this is her fault, therefore there is no shame (in her mind). Just need to vent. (and by the way, I noticed that I am a guilty parent just as the rest of them. I let SS by on doing the dishes tonight because I feel guilty, for something I didn't cause, but just because I wanted it to happen, and it did and now I realize that it may have a detrimental affect on him.) And for the record, there is no reason that SS would have to know about her jail time. He doesn't see her regularly at all. In fact, she oftem makes promises to see him and never calls or shows up.
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I've often thought about
I've often thought about this scenerio if my Ex had ever told the kids that it was my fault he went to jail for not paying CS.
Not paying CS is against the law. When we break the law there are consequences that are beyond our control. If you run a red light, you get a ticket, if you don't pay the ticket you go to jail. If you shoplift, you go to jail. If you drive while drinking, you go to jail, lose your license, get probation and pay a hefty fine. If you physically assault someone you go to jail. And if you don't pay court ordered CS, you go to jail.
Your DH isn't ruining her life, SHE is. But as long as she has that mentality of nothing is her fault, and places blame on everyone around her besides looking at herself, then it's not going to change.
Just explain to SS that sometimes adults also make poor decisions, and when they do, there are also consequences to follow just like anyone else. Let him know that even though Mom has made some bad decisions, it doesn't mean that she doesn't love him (leave your personal feelings aside), and it also doesn't mean that you guys don't love him either. And end it with telling him that if he ever needs to come to you guys to talk or has any questions, that you will always be there to listen or answer.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
wow she really seems lk a
wow she really seems lk a looney...what goes around comes around...u shouldnt feel guilty ...shes a grown woman and should of realized there were consequences for her actions!
Alright, the guilt is really
Alright, the guilt is really starting to settle in. I'm really just SCARED that SS is going to be dragged into this and that he will feel guilty about it. Really, it was the CS that was ordered for him. If it weren't for that, she would have never had to deal with the court system, therefore, never having missed a court date. I understand that it's not his fault. It's not his responsibility to show up, it was hers. She didn't do it and now she has to pay the price. But I know my SS. He will feel guilty and lash out if he knows about this. I have begged my DH to call BM's cell and leave a message about not telling SS, and also to call her parents asking them to not tell SS. I'm not sure he will do it, nor am I sure they will listen if he did. I'm in one of those situations that I am just so lost and I want someone to tell me something that will ease my anxiety, but I'm not sure there's anything anyone can say that will do it.
I know there are other people here that have "bigger fish to fry", but I really am lost. Things were going so well, and I am just so frightened that they will take a MAJOR turn for the worst if BM or her parents tell SS about this.
She's gonna tell him if she
She's gonna tell him if she can. Believe that. She'll try to turn him against you guys. I remember when we were gettin custody of the girls and SD13 asked if her "mom" would be in trouble if she didnt pay child support. Mind you this woman has done NOTHING for them since they were born and managed to steal their child support for years. But this is her mom and she watned to make sure she wouldnt get in trouble. All I can say is try to talk to your son about it before she smears you guys. Just tell him the truth. Its automated and she didnt do what the court ordered her. I wish you the best because this is going to be hard.
I would talk to your SS
I would talk to your SS before she does. At 13 he should understand. Screw her!!! Its her own fault for not paying. I don't feel sorry for these people one bit. I do however feel sorry for the kids. We are going through this now and my SS will turn 10 in April and he has that undying loyalty to his mother, fun for me. This past Saturday BM basically told me she isn't keeping her mouth shut to SS anymore. Great, and Im supposed to keep my mouth shut about her. Don't these people realize what they are doing to these children by not paying and then making them feel guilty?
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I agree with the last few
I agree with the last few posts, tell SS the truth now before BM puts her spin on things. Keep the discussion as factual as possible and answer any questions he has. At least this way SS will be prepared if/when BM decides to tell her side of the story and maybe SS won't get sucked into the guilt that she tries to lay on him.
I agree, the reality of as
I agree, the reality of as life is what it is, you can not change it not can you protect him from the truth. Lay out the facts in an age appropriate way and share all your fears and anxieties together and reassure him as much as you can that you will always be there for him. It's a very grown up and adult issue and he doesn't have to know all the tiny details.