Adult ss and wife pushy
Warning: BIG VENT: Let me start by saying my husband is a good person. He works hard, and always tries to do right by me and make me happy. That said, he comes from a very enmeshed family and has, I believe a co-dependent relationship with his adult son. THey text almost daily, and the entire family seems to have to text him whenever they go to the bathroom. Just kidding but its pretty extreme. Lets start at the beginning. 25 years ago I met him, he lived in minnesota, I am in calif. He was divorced and had a very good insurance job. One night, after a company party in which he drank a bit too much, he was stopped, given a dui and then promptly got fired. He lost his house he bought after the divorce, lost all his stuff and had to move in with his mom for a time. The drinking at that point escalated, and he spent many days and nights drunk and lost in his misery. We were having a long distance relationship at the time, and the only time he would stop drinking is when he would come here, as I would not allow it. As soon as he went back, the drinking started again, and he got yet another dui. Whenever his mom, or sisters needed a break they would send him out to me. I was the relief for them. Eventually, he just stayed here got treatment, became himself again and has been sober and working for yet another prosperous insurance company for many years. During that time, visitation with his children who live in minnesota was set up. They would come during the summer and some holidays. This went on for many years. When his children became adults they went to college, started their lives and visits became less frequent and he travelled to see them for events and other milestones in their life. All good.
Then his son got married. His daughter in law is a very nice girl, but very very pushy. I invited them out to a beach house vacation last year and they came. She informs me during that time that they are going to put us on a visitation "rotation" and start coming out yearly. I was silent. Last year she started pushing and pushing to come here even tho, my 94 year old father had taken a fall and needed extra care from me. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. She continues to try to manipulate me. THe problem is not their coming here, the problem for me is her pushing. I prefer to invite guests to my home, not have them descend upon me anytime they like. I do all the cooking, cleaning and entertaining and they sit around and talk with his dad. Last year they had a child, and when the son called to tell his dad I was excluded from the conversation and the visit. When I told my husband I would go but wasnt invited he said "its not about you!" So there you have it. The whole enmeshed family leaves me out, xmas phone call here to my husband I was excluded, and his son as an adult shows extreme selfishness as does his wife. I was good enough and wonderful when he was drinking, but now that we have been doing well, I am excluded. To make matters more complicated, I am a christian and I am suppose to turn the other cheek and love them anyway but am finding this hard to get past my feelings of resentment, and hurt. Dont see the ss wife backing down anytime soon, and the more she pushes, the more I withdraw. Its me, isnt it? Im being a selfish wench about this arent I? Yet, I feel I just want to be considered, like I matter. At any rate, i feel thankful this site is here, I dont have anywhere else I can vent to others who might understand. Any insights or advice would be welcome. Nice to meet you all.
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Comments
No. It is not you.
You are not being a wench. That moniker is on your SDIL.
Turning the other cheek does not mean you are obligated to tolerate her pushy presence in your home, beach house, marriage, or life. Turning the other cheek can include purging the toxic evil from your life and blessing yourself with that gift.
Your sober DH is still codependent with his kid and sadly also with the womb donor of his GK. Now that he is no longer the simpering vulnerable serial DUI earning drunk, he is gaslighting you regarding his parental failures.
Though not scriptural, never forget that God helps those who help themselves. Help yourself and clearly stipulate to DH that SS, SDIL, and the GSkid do not come on their schedule. They come at your pleasure and when you say they can come.
Make sure that DH hears directly from you that it is not about him or them. It is about you, your ailing elderly father, and their invading and rude presence will not be accepted until YOU say it is accepted.
Being assertive is not un-Christian. Do not mistake your faith as requiring that you buckle to toxicity, gaslighting, rudeness, and DH's failed parenting. God is with those that shun evil. Gaslighting and self serving invasive rudeness... are evil. Shun those that perpetrate it. It is okay and even wise to keep them at a far enough distance that they cannot reach your turned cheak to take a repeated swipes at it.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Relief
I teared up reading your response. Finally support that refreshed my soul! God says the devil comes to steal kill and destroy but I have come that you have life and life abundantly. According to him that is live, peace, joy part of the fruits of the spirit. For me to just say yes out of guilt and compliance would produce anger, resentment and unhappiness. Not abundant life. To be able to host with a pure heart of love would be best. I can forgive their exclusions, but hosting in my home, my sanctuary needs to be done with peace. I'm very grateful for your response, your common sense and finally vindication. God bless.
It's not you. I felt put out
It's not you. I felt put out when my own parents told me they would be visiting last without asking if it would be ok to visit and consulted on the dates. My parents are good house guests at least though and do more than their fair share of chores.
If I were you I would tell your husband that you need to be consulted about all visits to your house and be able to veto them or suggest alternative dates. It is your home as well as his. Tell him the next time son or pushy wife tell him they are visiting, he is to reply "let me consult wicked and my calendar and get back to you if those dates work for us".
Then I would get pushy yourself next time they visit. Start asking them to help with dishes/cooking/cleaning up. Tell them what to do, don't wait for them to do it.
If those don't work then I would consider disengaging for their visits and putting all domestic and hosting duties on your husband's shoulders for the duration of their stay in your home.
As for being treated like a part of the family, sadly it is the step parent's lot to always be an after thought. It can be very hurtful especially when you've spent years trying to do the best you can by everybody.
Grateful
Thank you for your response. Those ideas are spot on and it's nice to know I'm not alone. God gives wisdom to those who ask and you are an Angel of mercy for your suggestions. I'm entirely grateful! God bless. ☺️
spot on
You are spot on. We have had many "discussions" about this very thing. Our knock down drag outs have been about my feelings and that I matter. About how all this makes me feel. Believe it or not, he has moved an inch or two in my direction, but still is unable to stand up to that enmeshed controlling family. As a side note, he has an older brother who was living with his sister. He met a woman and decided to start a life with her. THe whole family is in an uproar about the brother living his own life and putting his woman first. MIL told me once that his older brothers first wife left him because she wasnt going to "let her mil dictate their relationship". So now the brother has stood his ground and he is ostracized from the rest of the family. Its the dynamics of how these people work. I am not afraid of being ostracized, I would welcome it from them. But DH will not speak up; he knows if I finally have had enough out he goes and I suppose he needs to keep a backup open with these crazy people if that happens. If I finally do have enough, and he goes back to them, he will be drinking again in short order. At this point, I am living my life as peaceably as I can. He is limiting his interactions with them from his side more and more, and at times when I express my frustration he simply says dont let those people get to you. However, your observations are spot on, and believe me my feelings about this have been made known, and I am working more and more on my self to become more assertive, strong, and have such self growth that no matter what he does I will be ok. I do however, at this junction require support from those who know and understand, and believe me I am beyond grateful for this site and for your insight and "having my back" for a complete stranger. I hope to change that. God bless!
additionally
Additionally, for the most part on visits, to protect myself emotionally I usually choose not to attend for my own sanity. This after many years of exclusion. Funny thing is, the stronger I get, the more distance I put the more they seem to want to push to "get to know me". After 25 years I call manipulation. My two golden retrievers know loyalty more soundly than these bunch of human beings. Its the "I love you when you do what I want" then withdraw and exclude when I dont, that proved to me the toxicity of this bunch. When I wished his mother a happy new year this year, her response was "and to you and yours". Not to me and her son, not to us as a couple, not to me and him as a unit, but again Im seperate from her precious darling, and me and mine are on our own. Taking a while, but Im learning, praying, and trying to heal.
It’s all about CONTROL
Who is controlling your life. Are you controlling it or are you let other. MIL, DIL controlling your life ? Tell DH you are the one who controls your and his life. You will have his DS visit in the summer when you want not them picking the date. If he leaves you out on family matters. He can sleep on the couch until he learns.
Indeed
It truly is about control. I'm a recovering co dependent so I'm learning. Better late than never. Your comment is appreciated.
Post and comments
Im so glad you find steptalk a safe space to relate your experience and have indeed found validation. We have all walks of life and experience here, welcome! Im glad you are here but sad at the same time.
Your adult DIL should know better, but from your comments on the bigger picture of the family dynamic it seems like she feels she is doing you and your DH some huge favor. Because she is toeing the family enmeshment line and thats how it works. She has been taught how to act in family matters, and how to treat you.
Yes you should be consulted on visitation dates. I too am in california and beach houses are not some little trifle!!!!! They are a BIG DEAL!!!!! And you are heping your elderly father. Thats also a BIG Deal.
So, "sure include us in your visitation schedule and depending on how things are going here, we would welcome a visit!" Then DH does ALL cleaning and cooking and organizing and you spend time making sand castles or collecting sea glass and driftwood.
Love it
Sand in my toes is where I wanna be! Wonderful comment, made me lol! Spot on about SDIL picked up on the family dynamics. This is a different woman from the engaged one we met. These people spill over and take over, that's why I want as little to do with them as possible. They would take over my life if I let them. Excellent insight on your part! How do I bookmark this? God bless.
copy paste?
I dont actually know - you can check your account and see your blogs only as well as comments.
God bless you on this journey. Stay and vent when needed.
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