Adult children don't get along
My husband and I have been together over 30 years. He has two and I have two. Age ranges 40-50. They all live at least 1000 miles away from us. His eldest is on the over-bearing side. She's constantly trying to manage everyone. My two (the youngest) feel she's too pushy with them and her verbal filter is lacking.
With the current world Covid situation, husband and I discussed inviting them all on a (safe) vacation where we would foot most of the costs. We'd all stay close together but not in the same house - perhaps sharing meals but everyone planning their own days. Today, I ran the suggestion past my two and they refused.
My husband is unaware of how his eldest affects the rest of us. I include myself and his youngest when I say this - we all struggle with "Ms. I'm In Charge". He sees her assertiveness as a positive. He is not open to discussion, in any case. Of that I'm sure. He's in his 70s now and has gotten grouchy and doesn't want to deal with anything emotional.
I am heart-broken. I feel like my own two are being selfish. They can't imagine how lonely it's been for us the past six months. I suggested to one of them that they hated their step-sister more than they liked me and was accused of going on a guilt trip.
Here are the options I can see:
1) Go on the trip alone - just the two of us. More lonliness. After being stuck at home for so long, even though we try, we've run out of things to say to one another.
2) Drop the whole idea. More lonliness.
3) Suggest his and her vacations. Husband will take it personally.
Am I missing a workable solution?
I'm sorry that you are going
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I understand your loneliness and wanting to get everyone together, but I also understand your kids not wanting to go on a vacation with someone who will make it a miserable experience. At some point, it's just time to say, "no, not wasting my precious time with someone like that".
Why can't your kids come and visit, and then, separately, his kids come and visit? Maybe not ideal, but forcing your kids to be around Miz Thang is not going to turn out well. If they thought they could stomach it, they would agree to go. Instead, they are being honest with you, in that they just don't see it working.
Personally, I don't feel like the "they hate their step-sister more than they like me" holds water, as I'm sure they've put up with plenty over the years out of respect and love for you. Again, at some point, enough becomes enough.
>>>I'm sure they've put up
>>>I'm sure they've put up with plenty over the years out of respect and love for you. <<<
So much yes!! I've put up with get-togethers, weddings, holidays, and heaven knows what else, because my mother means the world to me. I did not choose any of this so-called blended life thing, but I do it for her. I actually like my stepdad and stepbrothers as people, but they would not be in my life if not for my mother.
Im sorry you ate going thru this
My mom is quarantined in a long-term place and is pining for companionship, too. I get it. But if I were your kids, there is no way I'd spend vacation time with bossy SD. And, at your ages, do you think it's safe for you and DH to do this?
As I said - "safe".
As I said - "safe".
For a moment, I thought maybe
For a moment, I thought maybe my own mother wrote this. I'm almost 51, my brother is 46, and our stepbrothers are 39 and 45. My mother and her husband are retired, and in their 70's. They have been married 31 years.
I'm sorry you're lonely and stuck at home. BUT. I would not purposely spend my hard-earned vacation time with my stepbrothers just because my mother, who I love with every fiber of my being, is lonely WITH her husband and wants a diversion. Especially if one of them is pushy and rude, I would tell my mother to come visit me on her own, or find a time-consuming hobby.
AND, if my mother pulled a "you hate your stepbrothers more than you like me" on my brother, he would wash his hands of it all and good luck getting a phone call from him any time in the near future. He has no patience for guilt trips..
Another poster recommended staggering the visits. That seems like a good solution.
Ours (DH and mine) were all
Ours (DH and mine) were all adults when we married. If we suggested a joint vacation none of them would want to come. They have very little in common and would view it as torture. Even a few vacation would not tempt them.
I understand the lonely part. We haven't seen his since March. Mine we've seen waving from the driveway as they dropped items off. And I doubt we will see them for the holidays this year due to COVID increasing. Phone calls, emails, Skype, zoom are all we have.
I too would like everyone to get along. I'd love the fantasy blended family vacation or holiday. But, it's not happening.
My family every year does a
My family every year does a get together, have for the last 30 years, and for the first time ever, I declined to go for the entire week because it's no fun for me anymore - with my brother a crazy anti-vaxxer and my sisters excluding me because they are besties. And they are my full siblings. I'm no longer willing to waste a week of my vacation time to sit around feeling angry and excluded. I'm sure people thought I was being selfish and ridiculous, but I don't care anymore. I went for 2 nights, was friendly and pleasant, but didn't spend the whole week there.
OP, you are the one being selfish. If you want a vacation, either take it with the ones willing to go, or do two separate ones - one with skids and one with your kids. They aren't obligated to entertain you at their own expense.
You describe my situation too
You describe my situation too, except that my DH is aware of Miss Bossy.
My kids tried to be friendly, for my sake, but when SD got bossy about DD's wedding and my DD ended up in tears, it was over. I'm just not going to force them together.
Split the visit and avoid the drama. Surely your DH knows on some level that his daughter is difficult, but he just doesn't want to deal with it. And really, probably not much he could do anyway.
And, I don't think your kids are being selfish. They want to enjoy their time with you.
You and hubby are retired and
You and hubby are retired and have all the time in the world. I wouldn't waste my precious vacation time on anyone I didn't want to be with or anything i didn't want to do no matter who was paying. It's my only down time.
I've read all of your
I've read all of your comments. I appreciate those of you who tried to help me find a more workable solution.
For the rest of you. I am not selfish. The most I ask of my children is a day or two a YEAR of their time when I have the opportunity to travel to see them. Otherwise they are on their own to live their lives without my judgements or expectations.
Many of you quickly chose to ignore what I wrote. I do not expect our children to spend a week in each other's company and my DIL, while a pain in the ass, is not a bad or mean person.
I would wish that we could all come together for maybe five meal in a tropical paradise on their free vacations. All I can say is that those of you who called me selfish and said hurtful things that when you are old and have been in nearly complete isolation for seemingly endless days, you remember your unkind attitudes. I know some of you will come to attack me again, but I'm done. This is not a nice place.
Green.willow, you might be
Green.willow, you might be done with us but I'm going to comment on the off chance that you check back.
My DH is also in his 70s. That does NOT give him a pass on doing the emotional work involved in a marriage. He doesn't get to just check out because he's tired of it. Well, he might try it but in my house that would be a no-go. I don't pick up or otherwise accommodate his emotional work when he decides he doesn't want to deal with it. That's not fair to me, and I'm not about to be quiet and accepting about it. No way. I hope we have another 20+ years together and I'm not going to spend those years making sure he is comfortable when I'm not.
I said that my SD is also bossy. ANd like yours, she also has good qualities--she's quite accomplished in her field, she's a hard worker, and she's a great Mom. I acknowledge all of those things to my DH, and I can enjoy her company periodically. I can let her bossiness roll off me. But I draw the line when she's bossy to her Dad and it affects me. If my kids don't want to deal with it, ok. We're all adults and we all get to decide what company we keep. I'll make time to see my kids another time when we can really enjoy being around each other without the shroud of obligation and tested patience.
You might be generous by offering to pay for a vacation for everyone, but that doesn't mean you get to buy their compliance. I will tell you that I resent the hell out of using my vacation time to go visit his kids so my DH can soak up the rays of their awesomeness while I wait for crumbs. We don't approach visits like that anymore.
Some commenters can be harsh here. It doesn't mean they're wrong though. Take what is useful to you, try some self reflection, and discard what doesn't work for you. Doesn't matter how old we are, growth is healthy and sometimes hard.
Bravo to your two adult progeny.
Or, go on the vacation just the two of you, your two join you for one long weekend and his two join you for the next long weekend.
I applaud your two for being assertive and not wanting to waste their time with you polluted by your DH's eldest.
Bravo to them.
And yes, your "love me more than you hate her" crap is extremely manipulative. You are the one who have tolerated your DH's toxic eldest for 30 years. Not only that, you are the one who have manipulated your two to participate in your eldest SD's shit show and even served them up to be eldest SD's victims.
Shame on you. And shame on DH for not putting his foot up his toxic spawn's backside instead of facilitating and even worshipping her crappy domineering behavior.
Now, congratulations to you and DH for your long marriage. It is truly notable that your marriage has survived for 30 years with the convoluted dynamics of your blended family situation. You must have an incredible ability to balance and dilute toxicity from your DH's spawn to make a 30 year marriage work.
I was also going to suggest
I was also going to suggest two trips, or even you and your husband spend 10 days in paradise and have his for 5 days and then yours for 5 days.
My mom and step-dad have been married 36 years so I know what I'm saying when I say if they haven't made friends by now they never will.