Is someone telling you that you can't go?

I went to SS's events within the first year DH and I were dating. SS wanted me to go and BM wasn't the type to forbid me to go (she's crazy, but she doesn't want anyone to know, so she played "Coparent of the Year").

Go if you want to go, don't go if you don't.

I would plan on going. If SO tells you no, I would have serious reservations about the relationship. You have been together 5 years and share a child. That is a life built together. You are invested in SD's life, you spend time with her. There should be no reason for you to not be there to support her and for her 1/2 sister to see her celebrated and be a part of that too.

Ummmmm.... Of course you two can go!!! You're part of your DH's family. you're involved in your SD's life. Even if you aren't "the parent" that doesn't mean you haven't had any role here! So i say if you want to, then go and support her and to he!! with BM. 

I say you should go! You've been together long enough and share a daughter. As long as your relationship with SD is decent, go!

Yes you should be able to go but if your DH isn’t talking to you about it and actually planning on how you’ll all go, then either he is chooosing to keep the peace with BM as top priority or he may not want you along (perhaps your DD is too young to make it through?). Or he could be like my DH and just have no clue about what is going on and only a vague idea with no plan. 

My DH is doing the latter right now. OSS graduates in two weeks. I know nothing about it other than the date. After five asks I told DH that if he wants me there he’d better find out the details and let me know soon as I have other things that I’m also being asked to do and want to do that day, and I’m no longer asking him about it. 

And guess what, I saw what I think are the edge of graduation announcements for OSS in a pile and DH has had them for a couple days but said nothing. I would like to support OSS but if none of them can tell me a thing (DH, OSS, and even BM since I ran into her and asked), I’m gonna be sitting this one out. 

Its not you, it’s them. It’s their lack of planning or inability to address the situation and it’s not your job to work it out or resolve it for them. 

You’re relationship with your partner in this case doesn’t matter. What’s your relationship like with the child? For example if you’re disengaged or NOCHOing then of course you wouldn’t go. If you are an active part of the child’s life then yes you should.

If there is going to be Drama, you are going to have to face it one day,  Thursday is a good day !   Your SO is playing a game trying to keep both of you happy.  It’s not working.   There should be rules on communication with BM.  It should mostly be done by text or e mail  not long telephone talks.  Both text an or e mails are saved for future reference.  

You don’t want your DH having long talked with his past lover 

My DH did this to me once, and once was all it took. We hadn’t been together long (around a year) and he put BM first in a social setting to ‘save her causing a scene’. 

I let him do it. Once. Then I told him that if he ever put her first like that again, I was out of there. That her emotions/lack of maturity/childishness were up to her, not him, and certainly not me, and if she was going to throw a fit, let her throw the freaking fit & deal with the fallout herself. He can have peace with one of us, and if he’s not choosing peace with me then he’ll find himself alone before he knows what’s happened to him.

Dont let him do this to you, girl. So what if BM throws a fit. That’s for her to deal with, not you or DH. I agree with the posters who’ve said he needs to feel a loss with you in some way before he’ll have a spine enough to say no to BM. He’s sitting pretty right now because he’s got the best of both worlds, the problem being it’s not working for you anymore. 

So let him know. BM’s problems are BM’s problems. No more texting as if they’re together, boundaries are SO f*cking important. If he’s not putting you first he’s not being a good partner to you. Regardless what anyone out there says, having a kid is not license to be a d*ck spouse. He’s absolutely being a d*ck, you can tell him I said that too

Why now? What makes this award ceremony so much more important to you that you want to attend that wasn't there all along (the last five years) ? 

If you attend it needs to be for the 'right' reasons. Because you indeed have a relationship with the little girl, care about each other and you're truly excited for her and she wants you and sister to help her share her moment. Not because you want to finally take a stand with a f-u to BM ( and one to you too, SO).

If BM is seriously going to throw a scene in front of everyone (which would frighten your toddler and embarrass your SD to pieces), I think I'd start with a bit less event (example attend one of her sport games where BM's shenanigans wouldn't be so standout-ish). 

Or is it BM will just after the event text/call SO and toss a hissy fit? As I told you the other day, he does not need to entertain BM's tirades. If he is, then BM isn't really the problem. It's him. 

What would happen if you just let him go off to the event without you (without you saying anything about it) and then after he leaves you put the toddler in your vehicle and you and DD drive yourself to the event? What are they gonna do to you? Kick you out? 

Bottom line here is he is more scared of her than he is of you. The mom knows that and keeps this crap going. 

I don’t really think it matters all that much if you guys are married or not- you have been together for 5 years and have a child together, and you spend time with this child every other weekend (same as dad).

You have said that you have had countless fights over this issue- so it doesn’t look like it is going to get resolved the way you are going about it. Either you have to let this go, or you have to show him with your actions that you are serious.  Showing him with your actions could involve fully disengaging from his child when she is there, moving out, or signing you guys up for therapy. I think because it was allowed to go on for so long that you have an uphill battle convincing him that what he is doing isn’t acceptable. 

I'd bet dollars to donuts that this guy is still sleeping with BM.  

How old is SD? Is this an event that would be best for DD to attend at 2 yrs old or will she get bored and cry?

and you are making a lot of assumptions. You think he is doing this. You think she is doing that. It is time to stand up, take a deep breath and face your worst fears... that your SO cares more about his ex partners feelings. Which is very sad and awful but not a death sentence. It seems you are not confronting the issue which is lack of communication between you and SO.

Why not say "Honey, I know SD has her awards night soon. Do you want me there or not? And think carefully about your reason why." Maybe he is gun-shy of BM and has seen her at her worst. Maybe he wants to save your daughter  from a boring long night (at 2 yrs old I can understand this... BTDT). But unless you start asking him those hard questions you will never know the truth. And "It is for my daughter..." doesn't cut it. So no one else will cheer his daughter getting an award except her parents?

If he is so scared of BM not behaving like an adult and freaking out how does that reflect on his daughter except everyone will feel very sorry for his daughter for having such a loose cannon for a mother and everyone will understand why he is now with you. Communication is desperately needed in this relationship. I am not a big supporter of counselling but seriously, you both need it.

I get the feeling you need to learn to communicate and not assume. If SO will not communicate with you you need to find your happy place and either move on or accept the life you have.

You can’t be “not allowed” to attend events. Anyone can attend whatever events they want. Your SO doesn’t want you there, no matter why. BM wanting or not wanting you there is irrelevant. You are in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want you at events, BM isn’t in relationship with you. He is the only issue here 

I wonder why you aren’t married despite having kid together? Is SO avoiding it? Hoping to reconcile with BM?

You seem very well aware of the problems you're facing & have some ideas of what needs to be done - but also seem very unwilling to try something new to stand up for yourself. It's never too late! You have received some great advice here, IMHO, are you going to take any of it? I hope, for your sake & your DD's, that you do. 

I was told I couldn't go to SD's high school graduation because BM might make a scene. I should have seen the writing on the wall then, but I figured there would be other times I'd get to celebrate SD.

Now I celebrate every year that I don't see SD. I realize that BM might have caused a scene, but SD hated me too and didn't want me there, but no one told me that then. After years of BM alienating SD from her dad and me, SD despises me, so our entire married life has basically been what you're experiencing now: he sees SD and I stay home.

Way back in the beginning, though, I told my husband if he didn't find a way for all of us to be in a room together, his life would be split in two. I told him there would come a day when I would no longer try being part of SD's life and then he would spend the rest of his years seeing SD alone; having two pieces of his life that can't be merged without conflict. Family vacations would be out of the question and happy events would always been clouded with tension. Maybe back then he didn't believe it or couldn't see how painful a split life would be for himself. Or maybe he just couldn't bring himself to set SD straight about her bad behavior (our problem was more SD than BM because SD was much older when we married).

Regardless, my prediction came to pass. I haven't seen my SD in more than two years. My husband never even calls her in front of me. As a planned visit with her draws nearer, he becomes agitated and uncomfortable -- it's the elephant in the room. I can tell he feels guilty. I feel bad for my husband sometimes, but I had to protect myself from SD's attacks and if that meant never seeing her, that was OK by me.

Right now, your SD is still young. As she gets older, there will be more school events, proms, graduations, etc. Your guy will be doing all that with BM. How does he feel when you paint that picture for him? Help him imagine his daughter's wedding with BM and her guy there and him celebrating alone while you're at home. He's setting up his life to remain a single dad but otherwise be your spouse. He might think he can easily keep these parts of his life separate, but it gets harder as the kid gets older.

I doubt your guy will change easily or anytime soon -- he's got something in him that's keeping him from doing the expected, the natural. You should try to understand it so you can chip away at it -- ask him what he's really afraid will happen if you go to one event. What does he actually think BM might do? Hit you? Scream at you? Scream at him? Maybe HE is making a catastrophe out of something that wouldn't actually be that bad, so ask what he fears might happen. If he's worried about a verbal confrontation, tell him you can sit far across the room and have a quick exit plan should BM blow. Maybe if you can assure him it won't be so bad, he'll give it a try just once.

Because you have a child together, consider therapy. This is not an uncommon issue, so maybe you can find a therapist with step experience who can get right to the heart of how to handle your guy's fear.