First blog entry. I am in dire need of getting some issues off my chest.

SO and I are engaged to be married (planned for October this year). We have between us SD20, BD17, SS17, BD15 and SD15. The youngest 4 used to get on great when SO and both had our children week about on the same schedule, and separate households. He then decided that he should move in with me in my house where I have lived for over 10 years with DDs. This meant that he had to move to a different part of town from BM (30 minute drive) who skids decided to stay with. We obviously discussed him moving in but I had major reservations and concerns which he refused to acknowledge, such as the house is very small, he would not be seeing all skids very often and they could not just pop in and see him on a whim. Initially I did everything in my power to make sure we had beds and rooms for all skids when they wanted to come and stay, I truly went out of my way to keep everyone happy and make sure everyone felt welcome and that SO could see skids often. However, the youngest two go to school in a different part of town so visits were limited to weekends. SD20 switched university to one close to my house and started to spend many nights per week with us, which I initially encouraged and gave her a key to my house etc to make it easier. This started even before SO had moved in, and on a few occasions she stayed on her own in my house when I travelled for business and my DDs were at their dads. I noticed that my bed had been slept in when I got back, indicating that she had slept in my bed with her BF when I wasn't there, she had also broken some appliances and ruined my good expensive knives by putting them in the dishwasher. These were just some data points that I noticed early but didn't raise with SO (until later and he then blamed DD17). I was in love with SO and didn't want to say anything, I didn't want to rock the boat at the time. So he moved all his stuff in, filled my attic and garage, and turned my previously peaceful home into a complete circus. He and skids interact in a whole different way to me and my DDs. They take jabs at each other, make jokes at each others expense, make fun in a nasty way, film each other and post to social media to humiliate each other, are generally loud and obnoxious and I started to get mild panic attacks whenever it was announced that steps were coming to stay. Couple that with their unreliability - they would declare that they were coming, and then not, leaving me planning dinner for 7 and then having it cancelled at the last minute. This went on for some time. My DDs started getting fed up with sharing our relatively small house regularly with these house guests as well, though the youngest girls got on really well.

These were just the minor annoyances that occurred last year. The main annoyance was SD20 insisting on staying with us multiple times per week and showing no respect or regard for anyone but herself during the nights she spent with us. She was loud, entitled and SO an I were expected to jump to every demand. Some of our stuff would disappear without a trace and we would later learn that SD had taken them home with her. I started losing respect for him. In desperatation one time I googled "daughter is father's favourite" and up came concepts that I later figured out were what I felt I was dealing with: electra syndrome, mini wife etc. In effect, SD20's mood affected SOs moods so bad that it was almost as if she was his wife. I later figured out that BM had all the same traits and SO couldn't see it, but SD20 was in effect his stand-in wife and he was scared of saying no to her. What dinners would she like? Any special snacks perhaps? Ohhhhh princess is coming. The other 2 he didn't care anywhere near as much about, in fact if they contacted him he wouldn't really mention it but if SD20 contacted him his eyes would light up and he would be bouncing around. Similarly, if there was silence on her part or if she ignored him, he would sulk for days and become sullen and depressed. He ruined many dates for us in our early relationship by this behaviour - I put it down to divorce issues at the time but now I think it was SD20 fobbing him off and rejecting him that caused his depression and sleeplessness.

Things blew up 9 months after he moved in with me, at Christmas. I have always had my family celebrations with my parents and siblings on a different day to the everyone else. We have done this for 46 years (SO has been on the scene 3 years). SO decides that skids must be involved too even through they could not care less about my family's traditions, and they all work until late that evening and they would therefore show up late, and well into our traditional celebrations. True to their normal form, I knew that I wouldn't know when they would be there and it would stress me so voiced these concerns with SO and said let's just celebrate with them on their normal day. No no no no. If they want to attend they should be welcome to, never mind the fact that they have no idea about my family traditions. In the end I managed to put my foot down but the damage was done and I felt that he put their whims ahead of my needs. He throws his hands up and says that he just wants everyone to be happy.

A couple of months later I stewed over this as women tend to do lol and declare in anger one time that he and SD20 can move out to their own place if he is so set on providing a place for her that is close to her universtity. It didn't go down well. Then COVID19 happened and we were of course all put in lock down. I have not been happier, it is the most content I have been since getting together with SO. I no longer had the lingering threat of SD rocking up and runining my peace and SO acting like a love sick puppy around her, obeying her every order and pandering to her needs.  

We had a massive fight about this again yesterday. He says he wants to see his kids more and he makes it sound like I have been keeping them away, when in fact it has been lock down restrictions. He wants them to feel at home in my house. I have never not encouraged him to see his skids - the only thing I have verbalised in the last few months after feeling completely taken advantage of by OSD is why does she need to sleep over here? Why not just park here to save parking money, have dinner and then drive home?? Why the need to camp out, act like a princess around her Daddy, invade my space, disrupt my peace.....he can't see it. His princess can do no wrong and besides, she would be horrified if she knew how I felt becuase she has anxiety and is medicated. It's all in my head and why don't I like her? I have strayed into forbidden territory by criticising his precious child, I get that, and I shouldn't have done that. I find it offensive when he says I don't like her because that is untrue and I don't NOT like her. He has created this situation and this monster because he has failed to put his foot down early and establish the boundaries and ground rules that I have asked for, instead leaving me to guess when SD20 is coming, how long she is staying for, whether she is going to want dinner, and it is exhausting. I should add that I work long hours in a professional role, earn the same as my SO, he doesn't contribute anything other than half of the food and utilities. I feel taken advantage of and resentful and it is eating away at me. I do not see it as my responsibility to house all his kids. I feel panicky that we are getting married soon and I will have no way out of this  situation once we are married. I don't know what to do because I feel like I am negotiating with a terrorist and the terrorist in this case is someone who should want what is best for me and at the moment I do not feel that he wants what is best for me at all. He wants what is easy and comfortable for him. On the other hand I also feel that he needs to have a relationship with his kids and he needs to see them and why am I being unreasonable about this? He keeps asking my why I feel that it is unreasonable that OSD wants to come and stay with us 3 nights per week. I can't explain it any other way than it disrupts the peace in the house and she and he together make me and my DDs uncomfortable and I love him less and less as a result. He is a good stepdad to my DDs and to be frank the only thing that is stopping me from walking right this moment is I don't want to upset them and I know it would devastate them.

I am hoping just by writing this that I will get these dark, unreasonable thoughts out of my head and I can start to enjoy my life again....I intend to blog about this regularly from now because I cannot keep it in any longer and I need the support from this community. I have already got so much good advice on a recent forum post that I am still processing. The overwhelming response is to leave him. I am certainly leaning that way because I am not happy and I feel the same kind of desperation I felt towards my XDH soon before we divorced. I do not want another miserable marriage or life. I still look good and fresh; I can find someone else - how do I know if and when to cut my losses.