Acknowledgement of SD's bad behaviour but still sceptical
SO and I attended couple counselling two weeks ago. It went well and I was happy that all of my thoughts and feelings were validated by the counsellor as I had previously been made to feel like I was unreasonable and even bordering on a little bit crazy.
After our counselling session SD20 asked to stay over for a couple of nights and AGAIN there was conflict between SO and me around why she needed to come and stay, why can't she just come for dinner etc etc. In the end she didn't stay over because her friends had made other plans and she was doing something else that suited her better, but she came for dinner and as predicted was a rude, entitled, spoiled, egotistical little brat and it caused friction between SO and me as it always does.
As I reflected on what was said in counselling and how he puts her needs before mine I grew more resentful towards SO that he continues to make me feel like my needs don't matter. My response to these feelings are often to go silent for a bit while I decide how to broach a topic in the most logical and rational way. SO knows this. He was poking and prodding and asking "what's wrong" just waiting to pounce. In the end I said something, completely unrelated, and he blew up "I just can't do anything right!", "you just pick on me all the time!", "I feel you are off me!" etc etc. He was literally just waiting for me to say something negative so that he could address it. I agreed and said that I was off him and that I had been for a while and what do we do now. "I just don't know what I am going wrong, blah blah". He did the DARVO things for a while (deny, attack, reverse victim offender) but I didn't budge. He even brought out the SD20's anxiety card. And believe me, there is not an ounce of insecurity in that self loving and self promoting girl.
In the end I said "I want you and your daughter, who is on a pedestal in your mind, to move out of my house because I need to look after mine and my daughters' well being". He thought I was joking, but when I outlined exactly what that would look like and how we could still be together living apart, he went from being angry and bullish to sad and scared looking. "I don't want that. I don't want to live with her. What, why would I pay to have her stay with me? I want to live with you" He couldn't understand it.
Since then we have had a few more conversations and guess what? He now admits to seeing all those nasty little attacks on me, how she has digs at me to make me feel bad, how she is manipulating us all etc. NOW he sees it. Before now I have been the crazy one when I have dared say anything negative about SD.
So, initially I was happy and relieved and felt validated that he could see the subtle nasty behaviour and comments SD subjects me to, but as I have thought about it some more it makes me angry that I have spent the best part of a year feeling awful, on edge and crazy because of her behaviour and him denying it every step of the way and still subjecting me to it.
Now that I have showed him that I want him to move out rather than keep going with this weird and unpleasant situation, he has changed his tune.
I am slowly regaining control over my situation, but it doesn't feel like a win. We still have no resolution as to what to do next because SO is still insisting on SD staying over whenever she wants to because the counsellor told us that all children must be made to feel welcome in the home. He wants to have a talk with SD about her behavious and call her out on it. Yeah I just don't know that will work and I don't trust him enough to think he will even have that talk. He also admitted to me that he is fearful that if he calls out the behaviour none of his children will want to come over anymore as the 3 of them are all very close. I understand that of course.
Is there hope for a happy ending here given SO is actually acknowledging the situation, or have I just been played this whole time and nothing will change?
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Does he pay his share of
Does he pay his share of living expenses?
He pays for half of the
He pays for half of the utilities and groceries, yes. We have a joint account and we each contribute equally to the electricity, gas, groceries, internet, water. All other expenses are our own responsibility. He does not pay for my children or any other expenses to do with the house other than that.
I have busted my gut working hard and foregoing holidays and luxuries since my divorce for over 10 years to pay off the mortgage on my house which he now benefits from. If it wasn't for me he would be renting and spending more than $20,000 per year in rent. He lost a lot of money in his own divorce proceedings a couple of years ago and had to sell the marital home. For some reason he seems to think that he can move in with me and benefit from all my hard work, no questions asked, and without as much as a thank you. In fact he gets resentful if I ever bring up the fact that he has taken over my study and garage and I now have to park my car out the front. All because in his mind we are a couple and that's what couples do for each other, which is true of course. The issue is that SD probably thinks that we are on equal financial footings when it comes to "dad's house", and I was happy to go along with that until he and she started to take full advantage of the situation.
I have no idea whether things
I have no idea whether things will change, but I have two thoughts.
First, I would be incensed that he not only saw the behavior and allowed it to go on, but he played with your head about it. And he only admitted to it because the golden goose was going to boot him out. That is not the way a decent man treats the woman he loves.
Also, his reaction to being asked to leave was too focused on HIM (he'll have to PAY) and not enough on YOU and how he can meet your needs. How do you handle living expenses? It sounds like his big concern is that he might lose his sweet deal. Is there some of that in play here?
Bottom line, this sounds like a situation where living a part is best for you and your daughter. I wouldn't be inclined to give him much time to demonstrate very significant changes before insisting he leave.
I feel completely played and
I feel completely played and I realise that I am dealing with a very self centred man. When I think back on comments he has made over the last few years we have been together (3.5 years) I feel a bit foolish that I haven't listened and taken things more seriously. His ex wife used to call him controlling and abusive, stingy with money, greedy, a bully, emotionally abusive - I just assumed that there is two sides to every story and as always the explanation was that she had mental issues. It's pointing more and more to the fact that it is in fact him.
Too little, too late
One thing I've realised is there's no such thing as a blank slate. My DH did the DARVO thing as well. And when I told him I wasn't going to stick around for any of it and if he wanted to chase after SD he could do it on his own, I'm done - he reacted just like yours. He went from being angry and bullish to sad and scared looking. Then he pulled his head out of his arse and toed the line since. But sometimes when he does the right thing I'd feel a flash of rage. Like he's proving he knows what the right thing is. So why did he do the wrong things all this time and made me feel like shit for it. The more he does what I want the angrier I feel. Whereas if he'd just done all this from the start I wouldn't be on StepTalk today. I hope you and your SO can overcome this after he's proven his ability to change for the better. Also, give it some time to prove the change is actually permanent. Old leopards and their spots and all that...
We still have no resolution
We still have no resolution as to what to do next because SO is still insisting on SD staying over whenever she wants to because the counsellor told us that all children must be made to feel welcome in the home. He wants to have a talk with SD about her behavious and call her out on it.
Where is the change? If he truly wanted change, he would tell her NO when she asked to stay over. And this "talking to" is just manipulation. He will have an "ok, honey?" Talk to her and. NOTHING will change. Consider yourself blessed that you found out before and not after you married him.
If this is how dismissive he
If this is how dismissive he is of your needs and wellbeing before you're married - imagine how much more he'll take you for granted once you're "locked down."
"All children must be made to
"All children must be made to feel welcome"
He's only thinking of his own comfort here - go ahead with your plans and make him leave. How he's going to deal with living with his daughter is not your problem. You've taken enough from the pair of them over time and now you don't have to any more. He is totally incapable of giving you your rightful place - do not marry him, he's not marrying material. He's not interested in having a true couple relationship, only in his own comfort. Time for him to move out. He no longer has a place in your home and, as you mentioned, you need to think about your children's wellbeing.
OP, what is here to salvage?
OP, what is here to salvage? This guy is emotionally abusive, he gaslights you, and he only admits to seeing the issue when you decide to make him move out. Then, when you relent, he's back to using the counselor's words against you to try to get what he wants.
If you plan to let him stay, please start making him pay rent. Just because you paid off your house doesn't mean he shouldn't help with the taxes and the upkeep of the home. But please, PLEASE, don't marry him.
Absolutely this regarding
Absolutely this regarding paying rent. But mostly, PLEASE don't marry him.
Hell, I'll up of the ante and suggest instead kicking his worthless @ss to the curb. Out of the house and completely out of your life. You have worked too dsmn hard to waste your peaceful home on this trash.
I'd be wary of making him pay
I'd be wary of making him pay rent because I'd be afraid that wouldmake him even more entitled. "Hey, I'm a paying partner here and can invite who the hell I want!"
I'd kick the bugger out.
This is kind of where I am at
This is kind of where I am at as well. Whilst levelling things out financially it would effectively make us room mates and as bad as it sounds it would give him even more control.Following that thought process in my head leads me to think that the only way is for him to move out. That said, forcing him to pay rent may make him move out on his own accord...
I know, at the moment the
I know, at the moment the relationship is just so damaged because of this latest epiphany, but it's the same old story: when it's not about SD everything is GREAT. We have similar hobbies and interests; we go hiking, go out wining and dining, dancing, watch movies, talk for hours, we are so in tune, he and my DDs get along great. Then BAM the topic of SD comes up or she comes over and things are really bad. Right now the bad has overshadowed the good completely.
If I had a crystal ball and could see the future, it would be so much easier to make the decision. The worry is that the crystal ball is right here on STalk where I can read others' almost identical stories and it never ends well.
The wedding is cancelled (blamed it on covid restrictions as we can't have everyone here that we wanted) and no new date has been set. For now I am in limbo just waiting for the next bomb to go off. I will definitely insist on more financial backing for the house - I do not like the feeling of being taken advantage off.
The resolution is that he
The resolution is that he moves out and THEN see if he is still willing to work toward being a decent partner (I have my doubts). If his intentions are TRULY based on what is best for your relationship, then moving out, having that talk with his daughter, and working with you on boundaries should be a no brainer. If, however, he moves out and just sulks, then it was never about you two and was always about him.
My XH didn't want to make changes before I left. In fact, he even said things were good for him so he saw no reason to change. As soon as I moved out, his general anger and disregard to my feelings became sadness. Now all of a sudden he wanted to change, and try counseling, and wanted kids, etc. Everything I wanted to hear. But the one shot I gave him to show me he was actually changing (because I was going to whether he liked it or not) was met with the same behavior as when we were together.
If they know it's wrong now but continue to let it happen, at out expense, then it means the relationship was never about us as a couple and only about them as individuals. We are trophies and playthings.
I'd leave him. I believe he
I'd leave him. I believe he's a user and tells you what you want to hear. I'm sorry. :-(