Freaking out. LONG...and insane. OPINIONS NEEDED!
First I'd like to say - I have been catching up on my credit cards...and stopped spending so much on the kids...I've been hitting the gym and my stress levels have reduced some. I'm putting me first. The apartment (cross your fingers) will be ready before Xmas.
I have some new updates.
BM moved kids back in with newbabydaddy again. Granted he is a great guy...I think he is still really making a bad choice...or he did for having a child with her.
Anyway - I think BM is a hypochondriac...Incident #1 one night she took the kids out for fast food...(cough, cough EVERY NIGHT) but her dad is diabetic and thought it would be a good idea to test out sd9 to see if she was diabetic? (SD9 gets motion sickness very easily...headaches that lasts until she eats, etc. whatever...I puke from an hour drive in the car and don't make a big deal out of it.) anyway...bc she had just eaten mcd's - her blood sugar was high...duh. So the next morning...before breakfast...he tests her again? low and behold...it's low. No sh*t - she hadn't eaten. So BM in a panic calls the doc who sends the kid for bloodtests...a week later they come back fine...BM wants second opinion...takes the kid to Geisinger 3 hours away for more tests - she wasn't allowed to eat passed out in the hospital after being hungry and tired and carsick from the drive...has a mild seizure according to BM who texts DH in a rage at 9 am)....a week later - bloodtests come back fine...
Incident #2....first day of school...sd9 gets bus sick...goes and plays hard at recess without having breakfast or lunch yet (recess is before lunch) in 85 degree weather...she gets light headed passed out and smacks her head off her desk...school nurse says she fines - kid needs to eat meals during the damn day. BM takes sd9 to hospital...they make her wear a heart monitor for 24 hours...(which she loves the attention from) - we take her to get it off...and low and behold...test results...normal.
Incident #3 - BM is now making us (because she cant take another day off from work) take the kid to see a neurologist because she supposivly has migraines? The hospital where she needs to go is...3 hours away again and bm made her appt. for 8 am how sweet of her. That's a big WTF.
so when the attention is not on this kid she goes wild. For her bday...we take her out and she is a brat the whole time...refuses to eat even though she picked the restaurant. her attitude was horrible and was talking to DH and I like we were nothing? Who does this kid think she is? So anyway- I let her wear this necklace of mine...well the next day I am sorting through my jewelry and I put the necklace away - she walks into the bedroom and DEMANDS to wear the necklace home? I very calmly say - no it was a special gift it stays here...you can wear it when you are here..."NO! Unbelieveable! Let me wear it!" Me: "Well - because you are talking to me like this - You are definitely not wearing it" She starts wailing! and throwing her arms up...jumps on the bed...starts rolling around and yelling, "SHE IS TOUCHING ME! SHE'S TOUCHING MMEEEEE!" I am now horrified and yell "GET OUT! NOW!" And I shut the door after she walked out...and just stood in the corner...WTF? I yell for DH and tell him...he says he will talk to BM about it...well - we find out she is having trouble with her at home...forging signatures on her homework? WTF. Of course his crazy mother laughs at this and says, "kids will be kids!"
So...this weekend she is just worse...and now SD6 is acting out too. WHAT is going on! SD6 gets timeout twice for taking HUGE fits over nothing. So - I get home from work and it's 6:30 and DH doesn't have plans for dinner...so he calls the girls in - asks then where they want to go - and we go to a buffet which is their favorite. SD6 is great - eats like a little piggie and is happy as can be (her usual self) SD9 REFUSES to eat anything but crap - we tell her she cannot eat any dessert until she makes a meal out of something - she starts MOANING and CRYING - and makes herself sick! Tells us she wants to go home and she is old enough to make that decision - and she has a migraine? I come up with the idea...this kid makes herself sick and uses the excuses her mother has put into her head now for attention....SERIOUSLY. so - her punishment was after she takes a bath...she is going straight to bed. Of course - DH lets her sit on the couch and watch TV and really wasn't punished at all. The next day - her attitude is terrible again...and of course - it's ignored but everyone but me. They had a bday party to attend so before we took them to the dropoff to meet their "fake aunt - bc BM was helping decorate" we had to make two stops. they would NOT stop touching things - SD9 would NOT STOP mouthing off to us...so I told them their joint bday party would be canceled this weekend...SD6 Straightens up quickly. SD9 - says, "Ha you can't Unbelieveable...you already sent out invitations and ordered our balloons..." I am shocked...and say...nothing because I know a fight is going to ensue in the middle of the party store...then she starts "This is stupid i want to go home...home now." LIKE HELLOOO! I am getting sh*t for your party and you are being a total brat...so I say - fine. put the stuff back...and we leave. DH is now so heated over her behavior his face is bright red and all he can do is take deep breaths...So we get in the car to take them to dropoff and I start a speech..."Girls...I am very disappointed in your behavior this weekend...it was hidious and will not be tolerated...or you will be grounded" SD9 says, "When I am grounded I still can get my nails done at my moms" SD6 says, "What does hidious mean?" I say, "SD6 - it means ugly." SD9 immediately interrupts and says in a very NASTY tone..."You know what Unbelieveable? I think you are very, very rude. You just called us ugly...and I will tell my mother..." Now DH is just fuming and says - that's it! This is what she is talking about! YOUR ATTITUDE IS HIDIOUS!" We pull in to drop off - and of course I tell their "aunt" all about their behavior...now this is BMs BFF - and she is shocked...I guess she never sees this? Are you kidding? So DH calls out there tonight and let's BM know alllll about this...she says SD9 is getting in trouble out there and babydaddy is handling it...so of course i am ticked...and I ask after all of this..."WHY are the steps handling their behavior..." So we are making a plan to communicate better. It's time for serious punishments...WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Comments
What a nightmare. All
What a nightmare. All sympathy to you for enduring such stressful behaviour from SD9, it sounds like SD6 may now be starting to emulate some of her sisters behaviour as well, which is probably not suprising if SD9 is not being disciplined consistently by her parents and seems to be getting away with her strops. How old is her mother's new baby? Might there be a connection between the arrival of the new half sibling and her escalating attention seeking behaviour? The whole medical merry-go-round can only have encouraged her to be more attention seeking, girls that age can tend to the dramatic at the best of times.
I don't think she can be allowed to get away with the challenge to your threat to cancel her party - if you don't follow through on threatened punishments it will only encourage her to think she can say and do what she likes with no real consequences. If it were me I would be prepared to lose money and cancel the event as a starting point for implementing more discipline. It is good that DH is now also angry and frustrated by her behaviour, convincing the biodad to take bad behaviour from their children seriously can be more than half the battle.
I think this is what I would do if I were in your situation:
1. Sit down with DH and write down a list of household rules that the children are expected to follow, like Be polite. Then write down the key problems with SD9's behaviour, and the punishment that will be implemented for each instance of that behaviour. E.g. Talking back: She loses x amount of TV/computer/phone privileges.
2. Get DH to agree that he needs to take the lead on laying down the groundrules with his children. That means sitting down with them, explaining the household rules, and then talking to SD9 about her recent behaviour and the consequences which will follow if she exhibits that kind of behaviour in the future. If he explains this clearly she has no room for complaining about unfairness or ignorance of the rules.
3. Rigorously apply those punishments every single time she acts out, preferably with DH taking the lead on enforcement.
4. Stop random treats and outings altogether and try to connect them with a reward system for positive behaviour - e.g. if she demonstrates improved behaviour then there is an outing or reward.
5. Try to continue the good work on the gym/taking time for yourself front. Back off from SD9 and get DH to step up, and spend more time on yourself, or with the better behaved SD6. You are not responsible for his children's behaviour. You both stand the best chance of dealing with it if you can present a united front and you have authority to discipline but you should be supporting DH not doing the work for him and putting yourself in the firing line.
I wish you lots of luck.
"Might there be a connection
"Might there be a connection between the arrival of the new half sibling and her escalating attention seeking behaviour?" i agree, this could be a possibility.
it could be the other extreme: my bm lost her first child because she didn't take her to the hospital after a concussion. then she lost my ss - first, when she went to prison, but again later when we found we could stick our finger inside of his skull. she didn't take him to the doctor then, either. now, i have to take him to the doctor all the time. sorry, not trying to downplay what you're going through, just trying to give you a positive.
tantrums really do suck. my own children and my ss throw them all the time. it's annoying but eventually they'll grow up, i hope.
yeah, it kinda sounds like she's learned to use her mother's worry for attention. it's good to worry about your kids, but you can take it too far. i bet the bm is a Google doctor, right?
sounds like you guys have it together, though. your husband is with you and that means a lot. a lot of bds let the kids get away with murder.
Thanks for the advice. We
Thanks for the advice. We did come up with a punishments to prepare for this weekend - they always get like $120 each from family members - that they go shopping with after their birthday. IF their behavior is out of control - or just one of them - we will with hold their bday money. They may shop and use it when they straighten up. And that does not mean this weekend either.
The hospital thing...BM (refer to older posts) takes the children to the hospital for everything. Splinters...scraps...sore throats. everything. Thank GOD DH pays their health insurance. She has no idea how lucky she is. I came up with the idea that maybe, possibly, she is doing this so get attention from DH for herself. Like she is just not satisfied unless she has my man and new babydaddy? The baby will be a year old in December - I do feel that the kids are adjusting to her moving them back in the house? That is the 3rd move back and forth from that home this year - and I do know he enforces rules.
Right now - we currently live with his parents - MIL favors SD9 who is a terror. Disciplining her is almost impossible...she says, "Her house, her rules?" it's like we have no say there. but she does not hesitate to discipline SD6. She is insane. Like I said...out by xmas.