About had it
I am 29 I have been with my husband for almost 10 years ( September 25 2009 is when we got together). So me and him find out I am pregnant in October with twins around this same time is when I find out he has a daughter. We end up having twin boys he end up an over the road truck driver. Her mother never let him see his daughter unless she wanted something. Fast forward to 2015 7 years after she was born and several attempts to get rights to his daughter and dna proof she is his daughter he gets hit with back child support after finally finding out she is actually his....... Fast forward again to last year in October of 2018 my husband gets a call from dhs he has to go to court to get his daughter who was removed from her mother's home for neglected and abuse. I bust my butt end up messing up my knee to get things done for his daughter and make her space in our home. He gets his daughter I wait 2 weeks walking around on a busted knee making sure everything is done ( clean home, laundry, yard work, grocery shopping, get her enrolled in school, get her clothes, therapy services going and so much more) this all while taking care of my twins. She will have been with us for a year October 9th and so far she has gotten physical violent with me so many times to count ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks. Ran away 2 times and been overall manipulative, disrespectful, and definite. Her dad is never really here so I do all her care from getting her psychiatric evaluation, IEP started, behavior therapy trama therapy group therapy for social interaction physical therapy and occupational therapy plus all normal visits. At this point I am done her dad is saying just deal with it but I am done I want out just me and my boys I am done and so are my boys ( special needs and needs stability) I have told him several times over the last few months I can't do this anymore she needs to go to some type of behavior boarding school he refuses...so when is enough? It feels like her coming into this home has destroyed my family I know it's wrong to say but I hate her. What do I do?
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This should not fall on your
This should not fall on your shoulders. He is leaving everything to you with no concern for her well being...or yours. It is his responsibility.
You want to leave... then leave. Pack you and your littles a few bags and go. Message your husband and tell him you're leaving. You've warned him, he hasn't stepped up to parent his daughter or listen so you are going. You're tired of being the live in nanny, chauffeur, maid, cook, driver and punching bag.
That's it. It will now fall on the shoulders of the person that should have stepped up a long time ago. You need to take care of you and your little ones. What happens after you go is not your problem.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
This is one of those extreme
This is one of those extreme cases where his job is no longer an option. He HAS to find something local so that he is home every night. There is no other choice for him unless boarding school is on the table.
Whether or not you stay is entirely up to you. Some people find that they keep their marriage but have to live separately until the child is old enough to either move out or group home or whatever she needs.
The fact that she has been abused makes me less likely to blame her for her own actions. I am guessing she is 11-12 yrs old based on what you wrote. That is REALLY young for her to be shipped off to a group home, especially since these are extreme circumstances but there are therapeutic boarding schools out there that specialize in kids that have gone through what she has. She needs help. I am giving you the link to one that I know a little about (a colleague of mine has her high schooler there, they are on almost 100% grants and flights are the only thing they really pay for).
https://www.calfarley.org/
SD is mentally sick
She need in hospital treatment. You can not let her around your kids, she has no control over herself, DH needs a job where he home every night to take care of his DD
Yikes
I hate to write this... but... the next time she is violent, call the police. I would also set up a camera in the main living space, so that you have proof of her behavior. It sounds like the best thing you can do is get her into an inpatient treatment center.
How often is your husband home?
Her dad is telling YOU to
Her dad is telling YOU to deal with it? No, he needs to deal with his daughter and her many issues. And that probably means he can't drive OTR and needs a different job. Do you work? If not, you may need to start. It's not fair to you or your sons to be in this situation. Your H needs to figure out what options he has with his daughter, and you need to make clear - to the point of leaving if need be - that you are not one of those options.
Your H needs to change his
Your H needs to change his choice in work in order to be able to be there for his daughter and parent her. He's not consistently there and she needs help. He put this all on you to deal with and your plate is full already with the twins. It's so easy for him to simply say "deal with it" and he's gone for days at a time. Until he is MADE/FORCED to take care of his daughter this will always fall on your lap.
I'd have a coming to Jesus talk with him and if he makes no changes I'd leave with the littles and that will show you where you stand in your marriage.
Whatever happens your husband
Whatever happens your husband needs to be home to deal with her. He needs a new job. If you leave him, he will need a new job. If he wants you to stay, he needs to help you and needs to be there to deal with his daughter and help with your sons. Give him a months notice that you will be moving out and will cease looking after his daughter after that time. If you want to you can try to maintain the relationship while living in different homes, but you will not be a free psyciatric care worker for an abused child when you have no training and no obligations towards her. That way you have a month to find a new place to live and he has a month to find a new job. Whatever he claims will change, I would tell him to prove it with his actions and make sure that you live appart for at least 6 months so that he can learn what you are going through on a daily basis and work out how he is going to parent his child.