trying to be happy, life is short
Reading some of the other posts, i realize, i don't have it that bad. But that doesn't make me feel any better, because its MY life, and life is short, and the point of life, according to my personal beliefs is to enjoy it and help others enjoy it as well.
So, step parenting has been a lot harder than i had anticipated when i started on this journey. I really thought that because i was ready in my mind to have children (have considered adoption before i met my husband), and i was marrying a man that i loved deeply who had a 'ready-made' 1.5 year old daughter, that this would be a perfect fit. I had the fantasy of being a second mommy to her, of loving her like my own, and because she was only 1.5 years old i thought she was basically a baby and would take to me, as soon as she got familiar with me. Well....that never happened. May be it is because i was never 'maternal' type of person, may be it is because i don't really like children very much in general, may be because i didn't know how to nurture her right, but, she always rejected me, wanted only daddy to hold her, to deal with her, rejected my hugs and kisses (i was trying to make myself feel more attached by giving her affection, even though i didn't feel it). I really thought that as time went on, we would get closer and learn to love each other. I thought i would learn to love her via taking care of her, and she would learn to love me because i am a constant part of her life, her parent.
Fast forward to now.....
She just turned 4. We are ok - she tolerates me, even "likes" me, but she does not love me. I parent her and take care of her, but i do not love her. I have been to therapy, i have been reading books, i have been trying different 'attachment methods'. She is deeply attached to her father, he is super nurturing, very huggy-kissy, he is deeply bonded with her, so deeply that i sort of excludes me. Of course, her BM saying negative stuff about me does have an impact (she has her every other weekend), but i am sure that's just a small bit. All of this makes me feel sort of like i am 'faking' the whole parenting thing. I am afraid that when i look back on these years they will seem more like i've spent time tolerating a kid, rather than living a meaningful family life. Any thoughts?
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BM says bad things about me
BM says bad things about me too and tells the SD4 and SS6 to not listen to anything I say. She is psycho to the point she calls and demands daily pictures of the kids when he have them so she knows they are bruised or hurt or maimed in any way. I refuse to do that but she demands it. 4 is an awkward age anyway. It's okay to not instantly fall in love with the skids. Especially, when you don't have any kids of your own. I went from single with no kids to 7 skids, although I've only met 2.
sounds pretty awful, i hope
sounds pretty awful, i hope it gets better for you...
I think husbands have a role at shielding us from the negativity if it comes from BM. I do not have any direct contact with BM, so i only hear things as SD4 shares her mother's thoughts with us (often without really understanding them)
Let me ask you... does your
Let me ask you... does your SD live with you or does she come EOW or something like that? I think it is very hard for small children to create bonds with people that they don't see 24/7. I can also tell you that DH and I have BS who will be 3 in December. DH watches him 3 days a week while I work, so they certainly spend quite a bit of time together, however, if we are both home? BS ALWAYS "favors" me. I think that sometimes even my DH gets offended by this, but I also think that it's normal for small children to do this. Rejecting hugs and kisses? Heck, I can ask my BS for a hug and kiss 20 times a day and be lucky for him to oblige once... lol You also have to remember that children this age are really finding and testing their boundaries and independance and realizing that they have choices.
I guess other than to let you know that I think your SDs behaviour is quite normal for her age and your situation, I don't have alot of advice other than to just continue to make yourself present for her, but try not to get offended when she favors your DH.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your thoughts.
She lives with us, she sees me every day. I get her dressed every morning, then my husband drops her off at her BM and she feeds her breakfast and sends her to pre-school (so 1 hr per day she is with BM). We pick her up from pre-school, we live, play, eat dinner together, go to bed, read a book, all that takes place here. We go on vacations together. We live as 'full time parents'. Every other weekend she is with BM. Really, considering the facts, we should have had a bond by now...But as far as her bond with her father, i do understand that, evolutionary-speaking, little girls are most often are really attached to fathers, while little boys are to mothers. I try not to feel jealous, but i do feel a certain gap -- no one is attached to me, and no one would ever call me 'mom' -- that is something that i'd have to find a way to make peace with, i suppose.
Have you re-considered
Have you re-considered adopting or having a baby of your own? You cannot force that kind of relationship you are seeking with a child that isn't yours, it either happens or it doesn't. I am sad that it sounds like you try so hard and give 100% and it hasen't worked out for you after so many years. Would you like my BF son? LOL I cannot stand him and don't ever want him to confuse me with a "parent" figure. I love his Dad and I respect him but I don't encourage and never would kisses/hugs, etc. I wish I had your attitude a little more but in the end I believe they aren't are children so whatever happens isn't really up to us (especially with an awful MB in the picture). I hope things turn around for you because you are right, life is way to short to be unhappy
Well, having a baby on my own
Well, having a baby on my own is no longer an option for me (41, had early menopause). As far as adoption, i don't know. I used to think that if you are raising a child, you will be bonded with him/her, no matter of biology. I used to believe that a child becomes "your child" in the process of you upbringing it. Now that i've been raising my SD4 since she was 1.5 yr old baby and failed to bond with her, i am scared to adopt a child and end up feeling just as much of a stranger to him/her.
So, i really don't know what to do...
I'm sure you are probably
I'm sure you are probably taking hormone replacement therapy but if not you might want to check your hormones (or do it if you haven't). You sound like someone with symptoms of low progesterone/estrogen (I'm almost 43, I relate).
I saw in another post that you moved across the country to marry hubby in Cali. Me too. I actually moved from FL (originally from IL) to be with hubby.
I have a bio son (4 yrs old) and he favors me like your SD favors DH. I too am considering adoption but am hesitant about the love factor. One thing you may want to consider though is that an adopted child will just be yours. You won't feel like there is a birth mother talking negatively about you around the corner. We are moving from Cali (Clovis, near Fresno) but we were registered to be foster to adopt.
It's been really hard being away from family on the East Coast. I think you are probably experiencing the depression of being away from your family there. It's been six years and I have never gotten used to being in California. I love my church dearly and the people I've met here. That being said, I really want to move near family and be back where there is some familiarity.
I hope it's starts to feel like home more to you. Hugs!
no, i am not taking any HRT,
no, i am not taking any HRT, i am sure that my progesterone/estrogen are low. Are you thinking that this is affecting how i feel about my SD4? Or are you just thinking that it may be causing some depression and that causes me to view my relationship in a negative way? Please clarify, if you could.
I do like to be able to explore new territory, although being completely away from family and friends can be tough, especially on holidays. I think if we had any sort of a social circle here, it would be easier. I am hoping once my SD4 gets older and starts school, we'd have some common activities with other parents,and that would solve some of the problem. I don't think what i am experiencing is depression, although definitely, my happiness level is significantly down from where it normally is (i have been a very upbeat person for the most part of my adult life).
Yes, moving across the country is tough, and i don't love Cali, but i am ok with it, and i was really ready to move from the east coast where i feel i've lived there for too long already
I wish you the very best with your move! I hope things get better for you closer to home.
How was the process to be registered to be foster to adopt in Cali? What did you have to do, just fill out an app, and do a 'home study', and then wait? Could you share some of that info, please?
Thank you for your insightful
Thank you for your insightful comment. You are correct - placing the "responsibility of love" on the child is not fair, trying to love
while expecting to receive love in return is also not right. Both of these concepts were troubling to me, and I have been working on myself really hard to channel genuine positive emotions, apply positive thinking, and I was hoping that in time I would succeed in being able to experience a sense of attachment. For now I just concentrate on providing her with the most benefit that I can from my presence, by teaching her all that i know - love for nature, appreciation for science, interest in sports,
compassion for humans around us, how to think positive and try to be happy. I am failing at being a second mother, but I am succeeding at being a teacher and a role model.
But it's not enough, it doesn't fulfil my longing for the ultimate child to parent connection.
Based on what you said, it seems that you are suggesting that adoption will likely give me that, because there wouldn't be another 'mommy'. That is very encouraging, and makes me think about adoption as a possibility again.
But, another thing you mentioned is that 1.5 old may have been too late. So, with adoption, wouldn't I be likely to be connected with even older child? Since I do not feel right spending 30K+ on a private adoption (money that I would have to get a loan for), I would probably be going adoption out of foster care route. For what I understand they do have babies that end up being ward of the state, and you could sign up with them specifically for babies that would be available for adoption. Do you think this is a viable option for me?
Hi, I just saw this post
Hi, I just saw this post trying. If you want to foster to adopt make sure you go through the county not through a private agency (from what I understand). The county gets the children first and can get you a baby more easily. You may want to get a 2-3 yr old (this can take a long time) so you can see if there are what (if any) developmental disabilities the child has as a lot of these children are exposed to drugs in utero.
yes, county is what i was
yes, county is what i was thinking of. You bring up a point of utmost concern - developmental disabilities due to drug exposure is definitely the down side of adopting a baby from 'the system', but i don't think i would want to go for a toddler, since my experience (and failure to attach) to my SD that i 'got' at 1.5 yrs, and that may have been too late for a true attachment (as one person suggested to me above). I think at this point, it feels to me like i would rather take my chances of getting a baby that's not completely healthy, but someone who would be attached to me. May be i don't know what i am saying because i have not had the experience of dealing with kids who were exposed to drugs in the womb, i don't know. Still, you bring up a valid point, so thank you!