Received a text message from DH's eldest daughter a couple weeks ago. That in itself was over the top surprising - many of you know the rocky, horrific way she has behaved towards me over the years. DH's eldest daughter does not text me ever, about anything. She has next to nothing to say to me all the time, so I was surprised

Even more so that she was letting me know the sex of the baby (she's due with their second child in a few months) I figured she had told DH this info and he suggested she let me know, which is exactly what happened but still, in the past if DH suggested she let me in on some news too she would tell him "okay" and then not do it. So the fact she did actually send it to me caught me off guard

Just after I answered with a congratulations etc... I received another message. An invite to her 31gifts party. And that I was welcome to bring my sisters. Again I was completely caught off guard. My immediate reaction was to say thank but busy (but I knew that would only give her and DH ammunition to point out that she is trying and I have the problem) My next thought was wow she must be desperate for numbers at her party and so now even the people she has treated like scum all these years - my family and I - are suddenly welcome.

I figured by the time she invited me DH already knew about it and sure enough she had told him first. I told him as politely as I could that I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wasn't just using me and my family to go spend money at her party, and seriously after all the years of treating us like garbage that is exactly how it appeared.

DH insisted that no, if she disliked us all that much she would rather have no-one at her party than us.

Oh and just before the party I received another text message from DH's daughter saying "hey lady we will also have blah blah at the party"....I assumed she texted me in error meaning it for a friend instead as DH's daughter doesn't talk to me at all let alone call me 'lady'

But then a couple days ago I received yet another message from her. This one was a picture of SGS with a bunch of other kids in their Halloween costumes.

So, it would appear we are back to the "cycles" as I refer to it where DH's daughter is concerned.

She goes for a few years of hating the ground I walk on, to suddenly it's all okay now....and of course expecting me to jump on the bandwagon and carry on as if all the years of abuse from her never happened.

The first time she pulled this it devastated me. DH & I had been in our relationship for two or three years, his daughter already living with us full-time for two of them, and up until then everything had been great with her. I truly liked her. I sincerely wanted a good relationship with her and I put effort into nurturing that. And just when I reached that contented point of thinking I had just that with her - a fantastic relationship - wham! She made it abundantly clear she hated me, blamed me for all the wrong in her life, moved back in with BM, gave DH an ultimatum -either her or me - and practically ripped apart DH's entire family over it all. She worked very hard at destroying not only my marriage, but any relationship I had with anyone, most especially her blood.

This was devastating to me. DH & I were happy and inlove, wanting to marry, and one of the things DH was so proud of with me was that his children had taken to me so well. He bragged that I was such a great person even his eldest daughter, the same one who despised his former girlfriend, and who had nothing but hatred for BM's SO, actually seemed to like a step-parent for the first time ever.

When she rejected me the way she did I was at first shocked, confused, hurt, and extremely humiliated. She had after all dragged everyone into this mess, not just DH & I but his whole family including BM and her SO (who did not support her because they had already been through this with her - thus the reason she had been living with DH and I full time for over two years at that point)

Anyway, after all that hurt and confusion with her I felt angry. Very angry. I knew I had done nothing wrong - although when someone "hates" you that much you tend to think and rethink and question everything. But even then I knew my heart was good, I had always done nothing but try with her, and decided she was just plain evil as the only possible explanation to such horrific treatment

I finally disengaged, not because it was my choice...no, I stupidly kept trying with her; letters, cards, calls, invites to come and talk with her father and I about what the issue was. Nothing worked. Even when I finally took a firmer stand and told her I would not tolerate this treatment - well that escalated it even more

Only when it finally sunk it WHY she did what she did (extreme jealousy over DH's relationship with me, and the notion that we were somehow in competition with each other) did I realize that no, I was not the problem. I had been good to her, kind to her, made many sacrifices for her. I truly cared for her and stupidly had believed it was mutual. All along she was seething thinking I had stolen her father away and now he didn't love her anymore (her words)

That realization took away all my shock and hurt. It greatly helped me overcome the sense of humiliation and failure I had been feeling. The anger was harder to overcome but even that minimized greatly.

And of course, it was only then, when I no longer associated me with any of her issues that I could give her exactly what she "wanted" and walked away from any attempts to rebuild any sort of relationship

And I was so much happier. Felt so much less stress. I didn't take it personal any longer. I didn't react to her treatment of me. I was polite and decent to her regardless of what an animal she was to me, but I simply avoided her as much as possible.

And just when this became the norm for me and I had finally reached that contented level of acceptance that it was what it was, well, she started to change her behavior. Started to mention me by name in conversations to get my attention and draw me in, actually said hello once in a while, and eventually made it more and more clear she was all good now

And what did I do?

Forgave her instantly.

Brushed it off as just simple teenage step stress but she was all good now, saw I wasn't a bad person, maybe even liked me after all, and I welcomed her back into my heart with a vengeance. Right back to kissing her ass, falling over backwards for her, feeling so grateful all was good and my hopes of the future in steplife was revived.

And of course, just when I thought all was well (a few years later) then she pulled the same thing again. Again she decided she hated and despised me, again refused to see DH in our home, again went back to not speaking to me and treating me like garbage. Saying really nasty things about me and behaving in a mean and hurtful ways towards me

The second time I disengaged it was definitely my choice. And while I did it gracefully and over time, it was steady and she soon saw I wasn't falling over backwards this time round to find out what the issue was. In fact, I wasn't trying at all anymore.

And once again after a few years of this went on she starting behaving better again....but the difference is I had made a promise to myself I would never again allow her to do this to me. I was DONE. And I still am. Throughout all of this I have remained polite and respectful to her, always take the high road and have never been rude or infantile. I respond to any attempts she makes to speak with me, invite me to something, but I don't go any farther. I stay away.

Now she appears to really be cranking it up. I know she must have an agenda...YSD's visits home, upcoming wedding, everything being about YSD, etc... or something. I refuse to fall for her crap

But, my dilemma this time is she has never, ever, made this much of an an effort. This is over the top. This is different.

My head is telling me not to get sucked in. Be consistent with calmness and civility towards her, but do not let her think I have in any way 'befriended' her again.

It's going to be an interesting few months ahead!!