Being a Stepfather Sucks
My wife and I have been married for a little over 6 years. I met her when we were 30 years old and her daughter was 13 (she had her daughter young). I knew going into the relationship that it was going to be a rough trip with her daughter as her daughter made it clear that she didn't want me around. My wife and I dated for a year and a half and got married. While things have gotten somewhat better since my wife and I got married, my step-daughter is still lazy, irresponsible, and narcissistic. Lately, I feel like all I'm good for around my house is my paycheck. My wife went back to school and is only working a few hours a week. Money is tight and everyone in my house knows it. My step-daughter has three cats and one dog who have caused a lot of damage to our house. I'm going to have to be the one to pay for the repairs after she moves out. I'm sick of working my A$$ off and just throwing money down the drain because of her.
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Sometimes I look at stepdads
they are part of her so to
they are part of her so to think you can love one without the other is just selfish and shallow like my step dad
While that roof over your
While that roof over your head is not being paid for by you, you have no opinion.
If the bio Dad is in the
If the bio Dad is in the picture you will always be fighting his influence, if he is not in the picture you will always be fighting his influence, if he's dead you will always be fighting his idealized influence. And your wife will always be caught in the middle and will never fully back you up, especially when it gets tough...get the picture. The kids will put up with you while they work to divide you and your wife, and regardless of her intentions she will be torn between you and her kids, and ultimately it will break up your relationship. This does depend on the age of the kids. My youngest daughter was 2 when her Mom and I got together and we are very close. But the older kids were 9, 8, and 5 and they have never seen me as a father to them regardless of what I do (and believe me I have done everything possible). The two oldest and I get along (they are now 19 and 18), but they have never really listened to me or respected me as their Father. The third child was not old enough to remember his Father, but has this idealized image of his Father that it is impossible for anyone to live up to, and he was quite a handful at home and in school. He is living with his Grandparents now (and making their lives as much of a hell as he made ours), so not my problem anymore. But my wife and I are in the process of getting a divorce, so that is where we leave it. And before I get a reply about being the adult and thinking of the needs of the kids, and being the mature one, and all of that...if I was to make a list of all the things I have tried in 10 years, and all of the ways I have tried to reach them, and all of the ways I have tried to include them, and etc, etc, you would be amazed, but the bottom line is broken is broken and it cannot be fixed. It can be made better, but it will never be good.
Why do you allow her to have
Why do you allow her to have 3 cats and a dog in your home? By my calculations, she is old enough to be working and on her own if she wants all those pets.
He does so because if he
He does so because if he pushes it, his wife will take her side.
She's like Lazarus! She
She's like Lazarus! She raises old posts from the dead.
Seriously, that is not fair
Seriously, that is not fair AT ALL. I think finances is where step-dads really get hosed, if my husband informed me I had to pay for everything, including his ungrateful brats and the havoc they wreak upon the home, I'd flip the f out. If my calculations are right, she should be old enough to be kicked to the curb.
If they are SD's animals,
If they are SD's animals, then she should be responsible for paying for the damage BEFORE she moves out. It's unfair to expect you to shoulder the financial burden for the entire house and for the damage that SD's animals are causing. By my calculations, your SD is 19, maybe 20 (or soon to be 20).
She's old enough to:
a) get a job to contribute to the household, even if just part time, even if it is just something as simple as working retail so that you and your wife don't have to keep shouldering her costs, although it seems to be mostly heaped on you.
b) get some roommates and move out of the house if she does have a job.
c) take responsibility for her own animals and the damage that they cause.
I think it's time to sit down with your wife and have a "come to jesus" talk about the financial situation as it relates to SD. I'm making the assumption that the money issue as it relates to SD is more than just her animals causing damage to the house. If so...then it's probably best to talk about how SD is contributing to being in the house, how her contributions could be improved, etc. I wish you luck if you do sit down with your DW to have a talk about this, I know how frustrating it can be to try to tell a bioparent that their kid's actions pose any sort of issue.
kick her sponging a$$ out and
kick her sponging a$$ out and send her a bill. I know easier said then done. We are sealing with ss19 wanting to move back in with preg gf and of course we're saying NO but it's still hard and ss19 will probably play a good guilt game before finally getting his butt a job and working to support his own kid. Steps are hard. I was also the breadwinner for two years, supporting my dh, ss and paying child support. It was HARD. I nearly had a fatigue breakdown. Now dh is working, I am working and both dh's ex is paying child support and my ex owes a ton of child support but at least I have my kids and don't pay anymore. At least all my hard earned mulla goes to my household.
Practice tough love.
Hell, Old Dart, I tell EVERY
Hell, Old Dart, I tell EVERY PERSON I meet who is considering marrying ANYONE who has kids to run away as fast as they can. Learn from my mistakes, I tell them. Especially if they want to have kids of their own someday, cuz that just makes things exponentially more difficult.
Unfortunately, this is
Unfortunately, this is correct. Run far away and never look back.
Those animals need to go. It
Those animals need to go. It is your house too...how did four pets creep into the picture? One at a time?
Thank you all of you who
Thank you all of you who posted comments related to my post. I just deleted all of the gender bashing comments. Just a little more info on the situation. My SD has a full time job working at a convenience store. She does pay for all of the pet expenses except for the damage they've caused and the water/gas/electric that's used for all the times they've urinated or defacated on sheets, couch covers, etc. I discussed family roles with my wife before we got married, but unfortunately, she didn't follow through on her part. So now I have an almost 21 year old living in my house who thinks that she doesn't have to listen to anyone or clean up after herself.
Last night I had a blowout with my SD and my wife took her side. I started to tell her she can leave if she didn't like me telling her what to do in my house, but my wife stepped in and said "if she goes, I go." That basically just tells me where I sit in the mix.
Another thing that's going on is my SD has had her job for almost 2 1/2 years. That's more than long enough to save up for a down payment on a car and purchase one. She keeps telling us she's going to get a car, but continues to fail to do so. In the mean time, my wife and I have to cart her to her job which is 45 minutes or more away from our house. We started making her pay for the gas it takes to drive her to and from work last year. But there's still wear an tear on the vehicles and the time it takes to drive to and from her work. If one of us has to take her to work and bring her home, that's 3 hours of driving per day!
My wife won't make my SD do anything she's supposed to do. She just says, "I can't make anyone do anything."
My wife and I have been
My wife and I have been married for a few months now. And my SD is only 5. I do not have a problem with the child. But the wife. It is as if since I am a SFather, I am expected to hate the child. So every time I speak a word of correction to the child, the mother steps in to tell me that my 'true colours' are coming out and I am just hating on the child. Well, she says these things in front of the child. So the child becomes sharpened by her words. Then she repeats the same things over and over. So I stopped trying to discipline the child. The mother would YELL at the child for repeating. And it is like she's the only one who is allowed to discipline the child.
Every time I am upset about the child, the mother threatens to end the marriage saying, "I do not see this marriage going any far - I would rather leave you and be with just my daughter than to see you shout at her". Thing is, I am not a shouting person. In fact, my voice cannot even go loud. I can display assertiveness in my correction, but my wife takes it badly.
Last night she just told me that, "If you are not aware yet, I will always love this child more than your child - if we decide to make a baby"
All of this hurtful things though! I am just trying to be a father and help around with the child.
So this morning I have decided that I will never try to discipline, and I will leave it up to my wife's hands to discipline the child. The problem is that if I stop, she may say that I do not care for the child's upbringing because I am not disciplining her. When I do, I am monster.
All I want is to have a happy family. I am afraid that one day our kids may be labeled as "undisciplined kids" or "unmannered kids" or "badly raised kids" - and my wife will NOT be taking any responsibility. She will say "...yet there is a father in the house who does not discipline the kids"
ya lets talk about the wages
ya lets talk about the wages you elders think are fair compared to your free education and cheap real estate, cheap cars god i hate boomers they are so selfish me me me me ya the kids are lazy cuz well you don't pay them to work, and you sent all the good jobs to china so your retirement funds could grow jacked up the real estate market so we could never buy in
remember what you could buy with a dollar THEY DONT they couldn't buy shit