always thinking about things!

In my blended family marriage I have never felt comfortable with decisions I make. If I get onto the Skids about something I think is wrong it seems to cause problems with wife later on during arguments or she’ll say I treat my BS different of course I disagree. Like I said before my wife has never and does not communicate to me about issues or expectations. The only way I find out what she’s thinking is through arguments. She approaches everything like this i.e. I had the 2 skids 10 and 7 and our own son we had together 3 this pat Saturday. I had a list of things to fix the younger 2 for lunch, but did not see the 10 yr old on there, so I called her in the morning and ask her she said she just assumed that he would be going to his football game with his grandpa…she then said to make him lunch. I went to him at that point and told him what was going on (that I was making lunch and taking him to the game) later that morning his grandpa shows up to pick him up. No one called or anything and they don’t even say where there going they just start to leave. I was mad because no one ever seems to inform me of what’s going on …not the wife, not the sson and not the grandparents. In everything we do it seems like I don’t exist in any lines of communication. Do I not earn that right because I’m just a stepdad? This is my everyday life!

tougher than I thought's blog
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Wow, Tougher Than, your life

Wow, Tougher Than, your life must be pretty frustrating. Perhaps you should sit your lovely wife down and say something like...

"If you expect me to be responsible for our children, meaning both the child we have together and your two children, you should be providing me with all information that is available regarding their lives. If there are schedules, trips, events, or anything that affects me and my decision making with these kids, it's imperative that I'm informed about it. I'm not hired helped or a glorified baby sitter. I am not a tag-along. This isn't an outrageous request. This is called parenting. I've taken the role of stepfather upon myself knowing two children which are not my own will be in my care and that I am responsible for their well being. I need to have the tools to take care of our children the best way I can and that means knowing what goes on in their lives."

Of all the things step-parents have little or no rights to, this is something that shouldn't even be questioned. It's not a matter of deserving to know, it's freaking logic!!! If they're in your care, you better be aware of where they're going!!!! If she has expectations of how to take care of your kids, how to feed them, what to feed them, where to take them, than she should be aware that it takes teamwork. Obviously if you're calling her with these questions, she's not the one in charge of the kids at the moment.

DO NOT STEP DOWN, Tougher. This sort of power play can leak into other areas of your life and get really ugly.

You're "tougher" than you think

If you wish to give off light, you must endure the burning.

She's never approached it

She's never approached it that way. I've never swore or mistreated the skids. I just have a more stronger tone than she does and it seems like it backfires on me. My skids never ask me permission to do anything, they always go to her or if it involves there grandparents they just go (my inlaws live through the woods next door). I should be respected enough to at least be informed...I probabley would never say no, but still exect to be informed. Even the grandparents don't tell me anything they just show up and pick them up without saying anything!I've tried to talk to her about it and its gotten worse because of it!

Sounds as if there is "NO

Sounds as if there is "NO RESPECT" for you!

"And this too shall pass..."

I don't know what to tell

I don't know what to tell you. Obviously, she doesn't seem to have issues with your parenting.
Maybe it's guilt?

Does she feel guilty for burdening you with her kids? (even though you're married and have a child, she may still feel this way) Does she feel guilty that she can't parent 24/7 and wants to retain as much control as possible? Do her children make her feel guilty that it's not their "dad" that takes care of them? Is she unclear about your parenting approach/unsure of her own? Maybe she thinks you're a "better" parent and doesn't want to admit it (whether this thought is realistic or not) so she doesn't want you to be in on everything?

All I can say is that communication must be clearer. You can't give up on this. You said that you've mentioned it before and it's only made things worse. Does she know you're on these forums seeking support from other step parents? Of course we welcome you here and we are all about support, but the decision making and change only comes from yourself. If it's serious enough that you've reached out because you can't talk to your wife, then it's something that's weighing heavily on your marriage. She probably has feelings about this too (since you've mentioned it before). You didn't say how you tried to explain yourself to her and of course, not knowing either of you, it's hard to say if there's a different way of approaching the conversation.
But your situation seems so frustrating and.. rude. The people in it I mean, they're rude to you by not acknowledging your father status.

I really beleive she feels

I really beleive she feels as though it is normal for these type things to happen. We have had several conversations about these type situations and the killer part of it is that says she doesn't see an issue with it and will not cahnge the style of communication...we have been to counseling and that has not workded. She told me that the only issue she has is to be a little kinder toward me and that seems to be it and that came strait from her. If I say something to my skids or herparents about communicating more to me, she has gotten pissed off about it and it came up later. She will never share what's on her mind at the point of it being an issue for her, so I have to assume or try to read her mind to get answers!!!!