I am so very frustrated and need advice
DH and I have been married for over 4 years now. We are still very much in love and happy. He is not so much the frustration. It is his daughters, my SD (2). They are twins and age 11. One of them is usually respectful, obediant and does not cause much trouble AT our home. I am not sure of her innocence away from our home. The other twin is borderline evil. DH and I dated for a year or so before we got married and things were great, even after marriage things were fine. SD hated mom, didn't want to go home, etc. Things with MIL and whole IL family was good. Then DH filed for custody after a series of events and everything changed. BM has Skids believing my DH does not pay CS which he does and has showed them through checks. Evil SD takes any and everything we say and twists it into lies. EX. at Christmas I hid my DH gift in her room behind closet door that is never closed. When I went to wrap it I noticed the bag was see through so I went to find something to disguise it. SD's found the gift and then hid in evil SD room. She actually hid in closet with door closed. How was I to know this when I sat in front of door. Laughing (Skids and me) we joked for a few minutes until gift was placed back into bag. DH in next room heard everything. Evil SD went home and told mom and inlaws (which we no longer speak to and have not spoken to since custody battle) that I threw her in the closet and locked her in there and slammed her wrist in the door. She then told us she reported me as abusing her to her teacher (later said she really didn't). My DH grabbed her cell phone off her leg and she told her BM that he slapped her. I do not trust her and get severe headaches when they are over. If asked to do something she just stares and smirks and refuses to do it. She has be told lies by BM and God only knows who else. I asked how to make things better for her and since she does not feel I respect her 3 ways I could show repsect. Her answer was have dad make punishments, (ask if she wants to play with certain people instead of just letting them come over,) stop acting like a parent, (let her out of her room, give phone back, let her outside to play with friends) and finally she will show respect if I show respect. Everything outside of the parenthesis I can fix, however everything inside of them my DH did. I am alone with them at times when my DH has to work and I have to issue a consequence if they misbehave with me, which I do not do often. We discussed the stop acting like a parent thing and informed her that would include me not making purchases for her, not washing clothes or dishes that belong to her, not shopping for birthday or Christmas and not cooking or gracery shopping for her. She wants all of that of course, just not for me to tell her no or that she needs to clean her room, pick up her clothes from the bathroom or take a bath. In her eyes before we were married I was nice and now I am mean and when we asked her how she just groaned. So I said when you were 6 (age pre marriage) I carried you, popped pocorn, had you sleepover at my place, bought you yoohoo (chocolate drink) and bought you toys and clothes is that how I was nice? yes, so now you are 11 and I can't pick you up anymore b/c you are my size, I still pop corn for you and make you other things like dinner and desserts, I buy sunny-d instead of yoohoo, but I can buy you that if you would like and I still buy you clothes. I then expressed my sorrow for her not being able to sleep in my bed anymore but Dh is there now. I have spoiled both of these girls and it does not matter. I have loved them as my own and that does not matter. BM and Skids are more like roomies than parent child and I witnessed first hand how that looks a few weeks ago when BM literally acted like an 11 year old at a hospital with the evil twin. A lot of poop has been pumped into their heads and often I have heard things come from them that BM just told DH. Like SD would be happier if he would just leave me, she has driven them by old house and said this is where we were a family. MIL is not better and actually probably makes it worse. DH and I are trying to have a baby and have tried for almost 4 years now and I am beginning to think that the stress is playing a roll on my fertility along with other things. I will say DH is supportive of me and backs me totally (could be a problem too). not so nice SD dishes it to him too and has total disregard for him often too. After WW3 comes she acts like nothing has happened an hour later and thinks all should be forgiven. I have considered an attorney for the false comments and reports from BM, MIL and the like. When DH works nights, I have another adult come stay at our home to "protect" me from the lies. I am an educator and can't afford to have my life ruined by evil SD, jealous BM, crazy MIL or any other sick person in their world. Advice? Anyone?
- torturedmommydearest's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
custody
Do you want custody of these evil people? Just tell H that you think its best they be with BM when he is working so you don't have to deal with it.
Well court was a year ago
and we have joint custody. We had them for two nights this week and we will not see them for 7 days. Day one was great, then day two came and her "other personality" came out. The other twin is well behaved, has a sense of humor and seems to not like her twin. The only time I am alone with them is if he is called in to work while they are in our care. I just need to know how all of you keep stress free in your homes.
I stay stress-free...
...by ruling my own roost, rather than letting kids rule it, and by letting DH deal with BM.
________________________________________________________________
ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
I agree...
You have to be in charge, the SDs need to know it and DH needs to back you up. Our rule with SD11 is you follow our rules or you spend a whole lot of time in your room without Gameboy, computer, friends, etc. That and counselling
BTW-this did/does not come easy. I have basically had to tell DH that he will be an XH unless he backs me up on dicipline.
Agree here too...
I now have 3 adult SDs who are nightmares! They too, were spoiled and I was the biggest offender. Rules and boundaries! And DH MUST be on board!
This sounds very familiar!
You should read my blog. I also have two SDs 11 and 12. SD11 pushes it every now and then, but SD12 is Satin! We even have to go to court on the 10th b/c I had to call the police on her. She is totally out of control.
You can do what I did... call the police. The will charge her with "unruley child" charges. Here in Georgia it means she will probably get probation and community service. I'll find out on the 10th.
My SDs were dumped on us after their BM could no longer control them. Their BM also acts like their "friend". It's no wonder she couldn't control them without beating them! We've tried everything with SD12, ignoring the bad and rewarding the good, taking everything and I mean everything she owns away, slave labor (she had to us a sling blade to cut down weeds and a mechanical push mower to cut the grass), not going anywhere, treating SD11 to special things and telling SD12 she could do it two if she would behave, not being able to go anywhere, no phone, no electronics of any type, and even spanking. I'm running out of things to try.
This week we are trying something new that I thought up. I went to the party supply store and bought plasic gold coins. Then I took the girls to Walmart and bought $40 worth of Junk the kids have been wanting. I cleaned off a shelf in the kitchen and put the junk on it, plus a price in gold coins. For everyday the girls behave they get a gold coin. They also get them for keeping their room clean, taking bath without being told, doing their chores correctly without being told, and for good grades. At the same time they can lose gold coins for misbehaving, breaking house rules, not using manners, fighting, bad grades, and so on... Each bad thing has a different value based on how bad it is. Like lying they lose -14 gold coins, and backtalking they lose -1.
With the coins they can redeem them for the junk I bought, trips to the movies, McDonalds, their choice of dinner cooked and served by their DF and I, trips to Six Flags, White Water, the Aquarium and so forth. The junk was based on how much it cost and most of it was cheap so they have to pay 7 gold tokens. Things like the movies and roller skating are 14 tokens and Six Flags is 120 tokens because of the price.
I'm not sure how it's going to work yet. We are starting it with SD11 tomorrow. SD12 was suppose to start too but she threw a tee total fit today. She's was going threw my papers trying to find my bank ATM code!, watching TV while on restriction, sitting on the kitchen counter and broke the trim off the side (we rent this place!), picking on my Chihuahuas again, distroyed her sister pom poms, distroyed her sisters Little Pet Shop house, screaming, throwing a temper tantrum, fighting, and so on.
Believe me girl I feel for you! I hope the courts send my SD12 to juvinile! What a BITCH!
Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns
WOW!
I have read your blog and I feel for you since you have them daily. I get a break and still feel like I am going crazy. DH is treated almost as bad (he referred to the evil twin as a little b***h tonight). We do get to vent together on nights like tonight when they are with their BM. I have mentioned counseling to DH and he is yet to take them. However there is this thing called divorce care at our church and he mentioned sending them to that. I would be gone if my DH did not back me and thought that his sweet daughters were perfect angels. DH does back me on most everything. In fact I have been pushing for him to keep their cells at home when we go on vacation (they have actually added to the problem b/c they call BM when they do not get their way and she just stirs the pot). He said today they would be left here. If Skids were here daily and BM was out of the picture, I think things would be 90% better. It is just simply exhausting to have to deal with them. My biggest concern right now (and DH) is the stress while trying to have a baby. I am ready to live at the spa. I told him I would have a lot of spa days if I ever get pregnant just so I would not miscarry.
Double wow
I read your post and saw a lot of what I went through. I met a lady who had twin boys back in 2003. We dated a year, moved in together a year later and all hell broke loose. The boys would now be 11 and one of them sucked his thumb (still does) and carried (still does) a blanket around with him at all times. They would throw 2-3 hour screaming fits; tearing up things; throwing things; going into screaming rages. Her ex was in and out of the picture -- he is on social security disability and draws a veteran's disability pension, but goes rock climbing and deer hunting and would go for months without seeing her kids.
I could go on and on, but I would rather not -- you can read my blog if you want. I found that I could not change a situation that they didn't want to change. I moved out and moved on. Since then my understanding is that her kids are worse, but she is happy because she can do what she wants and no one is sitting there saying "This can't be normal."
Like Anne said -- letting the children run a house is not the best idea. I also used to say that dysfunction leads to more and more dysfunction. I will never know about their situation if I am right or wrong, but I can know if I will be happy -- I control that. Not two children that will not listen to me or respect my feelings.
I am much happier than I was when I was with the ex gf -- we all want respect and to be treated right. Unfortunately some people cannot do that and her and her kids did not have that ability. I got out of it and I am happy that I did.
Kevin