How to disengage when DH refuses to let me
For some reason DH thinks it is MY responsibility to take care of HIS kids. We have tried to do the "family" thing, nothing we did worked so I have tried to disengage. DH is absolutely not allowing it. He has a son 7 from an ex girlfriend and a daughter 2 from an ex wife (not the same women). I have a daughter 7 with my exhusband and my current DH and I have a son 1 together. Anyway, all day today DH has been playing video games and pretty much just hanging out. Normally that would be fine (well what I'm used to anyway) but he left all 4 kids for me to take care of. SS7 acts like a 3 year old so I can't get any help or relief there, actually if anything he makes things harder. BD has been throwing up since 3am. All day long, as a matter of fact she just got done throwing up again. She can't keep anything down and she is just miserable. Meanwhile instead of helping me with the little ones SS7 decides this is the time to ask for all kinds of stupid things. He also thinks it is the perfect time to talk about what he did on a video game, what's on tv or what he's going to do with the presents he's getting from Santa. Oh did I mention that I don't feel so well myself? Not as bad as BD7 but still not well. So here I am taking care of SD2, BS1, and a mentally 3 year old SS7. He didn't even have to help if he could have just realized that I was busy taking care of the others and keep himself occupied for the day. After dinner DH says I'm going to bed (he works 3rd shift). I told him to tell SS7 to go ahead and take a shower and go to bed. Mainly because I still had to get the little ones cleaned up and ready for bed and try to comfort BD7 who is now on the floor in the fetal position crying because she has been vomiting all day and remember I am not feeling well myself. DH says "why does SS7 have to go to bed?" My response was because I am putting everyone to bed and then going to bed myself. He tells SS7 to take a shower but that he could continue to play after he got done and then DH gave me a dirty look and went to bed. So now I am still up, still not feeling well, making sure SS7 doesn't burn the house down. He always does everything he can wrong when an adult is not looking. DH does this to me all the time, how can I disengage when if I do the SK's don't get what they need, including the supervision? He works outside the home and I don't but I don't think I should be the main care giver to his kids. Especially when one of my kids is sick. I don't want to raise mine and his kids too. I mean I don't mind helping out with meals and watching them when he needs to do something but should I be the one to have to be so responsible for kids I did not choose to have? How did it get to be this way? How do I change it? I am exhausted! It is also difficult to have the responsibility of SS7 because I do not like him. DH knows that I tolerate SS7 for the sake of DH and the "family." I have real reasons to dislike SS7 to name the most recent, peeking at my daughter while she was in the shower (see Am I Overreacting blog for more details). How to I change the situatation I am in?
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You are a grown woman
with that said, DH cant tell you what to do. If you dont wanne take care of his children, THEN DONT DO IT. You have a one on one with him, you tell him how you feel, you also tell him that you wont tolerate his or his kids behavior anymore. If he need a made or a nanny ,NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Take care of YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.He obviously has enough time to play video games so im sure he finds some time to take care of HIS children.
You should have just gone to
You should have just gone to bed. You told him you were, if he wants to leave his kid unsupervised, thats his problem. If he doesn't want him unsupervised, he could have sent him to bed like you said. Don't let him control you, don't let him force you to do it. Tell him what you are doing & DO IT. Put the responsibility of his kids back on HIM.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
With that many young kids to take care of
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and he's sitting playing video games...no no no.
Even if they were all your kids together, this is so wrong. He should've been helping you out, maybe actually doing something with his son, instead of sitting playing games all day.
Remember the old saying "man may work from sun to sun, but a womans work is never done?" Guess your DH needs to rethink a few things.
Oh Hell No!!!!
Perhaps you should have left the house and left all the kids with him!! He seems to thinks its quite fine to leave them all with YOU!!!
I agree with all the others...Disengaging is not something any of our spouses "let" us do...If we all waited around for them to cooperate when we disengaged we wouldn't need to disengage in the first place..LOL..As you disengage your probably going to find that your DH gets nastier and does more to try to force you or manipulate you to give in..After all, he doesn't want things to change because he has the best of both worlds. He can sit on his butt playing video games and ignoring HIS children while they are present for HIS visitation, leave all the responsibility to you, and look like a "good dad" to the outside world at the same time! Why would he want things to be different when he has a built in maid and nanny??!!!
Your DH can't "make" you take responsibility for HIS kids...He doesn't get to order you around like your a servant..Heck, even hired help wouldn't continue to put up with and stay in the situation that you just described...They would quit...Next time that happens take YOUR kids upstaires and put YOUR kids to bed and then go to bed yourself...If your kids are not ill, take YOUR kids and leave next time or go to your room....Just remove yourself from the situation and make yourself unavailable to supervise and take care of his kids.
I know that over the past few years my bedroom has become my haven and santurary..Its the only room in the house that Step Brat isn't allowed to step foot in..When DH starts with the video games or Step Brat is other wise getting on my nerves or "drama" is brewing over step brat...I got upstaires to "watch tv"....Just remove yourself from the situation...Another thing that helped me in the beginning of disegnaging and seperating was to seperate what is and isn't my responsibility is this: I asked myself "What would DH do if I wasn't here? What did he do before I came into the picture?" Whatever it is he would have done BEFORE I came along is what is still his responsibility now...And I don't do those things for him..
Good Luck girl...I know exactly how you feel because I have been there..
In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~step brat
This was my suggestion as well
Next time when you are feeling better, just pick up your own kid and head out the door! GO visit family, friends etc.. and come back only when you are good and ready. A few times of this and DH should start getting the point.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. I knew things were not supposed to be this way but I didn't know how bad I had been "sucked" in. As far as disengaging and husband "not allowing it" I didn't ak him or even tell him about it I just started doing it. But then DH would go upstairs or hide downstairs in the basement or for a ride on his bike or whatever and his kids did not get dinner or lunch or potty trained. SD2's BM is trying to potty train her but unless I do it it does not get done here. The only time SD2 gets a bath/shower it's when I do it not because I want to but because SD smells so bad I can't stand it anymore! How do I disengage from all that? Do I just worry about my kids meals, baths, snacks etc.? Do I let SK's just sit there while my BD7 and BS1 eat because their dad is off doing something else? Please help I think that me fully understanding and applying disengagement is the only way to save my sanity. Right now I am miserable day after day because everyday it's the same thing and I don't want it. I knew that DH had kids when I met him but things changed quite a bit when we got married. Seems like me "offering" to help out has turned into expectation. He does to pretend to be the "perfect dad" but without me on the sidelines, his kids would be malnourished, neglected and filthy.
I think that in your
I think that in your situation having young SKIDS, you need to talk to your DH and lay down the law. Tell him that he is to help you take care of his kids - do not give him a choice just tell him this is how it's going to be. I no longer cook or clean up after my skids - my DH does it. Do not give him a choice and make sure he understands that if he doesn't help - these things will not get done.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
I pretty
much agree with everyone. There is no excuse for that man of yours to sit on his butt all day while you take care of all those kids, especially when you're taking care of a sick one with you being a little sick yourself. Next time I would definitely take YOUR kids and go somewhere else. Take them to the park if it's nice outside... Sometimes when SD8 is over and I don't want to deal with her crap, I take myself and my brother out to the mall and to eat lunch... or whatever! I know that DH gets very upset because I didn't take him and his stupid little princess out with us. Instead they get stuck at home! Not my problem.
And definitely not your problem either, girl!
Same for me this weekend...
My H works every third Sat and likes to go off on "daddys day off" on the weekends sometimes. I told him, that it was fine when I just had our BS2 but when SD9 is around he needs to either find her a sitter(his mother) or not go. He says he will find somewhere to take her but every Friday night he says SD is staying here with her brother. I get stuck watching this girl ALL DAY long. She is horrible....fighting with her brother, treating me like crap--and I can't take anyone anywhere! SD is better when out of the house but BS2 is BAD out of the house.
I told him I am not her personal babysitter, H says I am her SM and I will watch her all day everyday if he needs me too. That SD is my daughter too. WTF!! She is his daughter... I never had S-- with that crazy lady--he did! Why should I be punished!
So anyway I have no suggestions, I am still trying to figure this one out myself. But I am here to say I feel your pain!
She is your SD but not your
She is your SD but not your daughter. I want you to commit the following phrase to memory and recite it to your DH the next time he throws that BS at you.
'Everything I have done and do for SD is by choice, not obligation. I am not required to cook her meals, clean her messes, wash her clothes or baby sit her. She is your child and your responsibility. It is not my job to care for a child I did not give birth to."
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
I have tried....
I tell him all the time that SD is harder on me than him becuz I have to CHOOSE to be with her. He has to deal with everything know matter what, but every day that I stay in this marriage I choose to take the abuse from SD. I think my H should be proud of me for being nice to SD know matter what she dishes to me or our son. But H is not, he thinks I need to try harder, and have MORE alone time with her, he feels I will surely win her over. I have known my SD for over 6 years---she decided she didnt like me once my son was 6 months old. This is not my fault she is jealous, I swear I treat them the same. SD is 9 he is 2, so I do baby talk to him but he is a baby---I did the same to SD when she was 4.
I am happy to report that since I had my H change his visitation around SD has been treating me very well. She even bought me a present with her own allowance. SD also apologized for being so extremely nasty to me for the last few months! I told her "You were treating me not very good, so your dad and I changed the visits a bit. Since then, the last 2 weeks you have been good--hopefully you can keep that up" SD said she knows she was mean and will continue to do better. Well.....we will see. I havent gotten chewed out by BM about any lie SD had told for 2 wks so she must be being honest so far. But SD has done this several times, apologized and than was good for a few months---than back to the lies and attempting to start fights.
I am 6 1/2 months pregnant--Im sure once this baby comes she will be back to her old rotten self due to her jealousy. I pray things will be different this time. I love my H but I am not sure I can deal with this much longer.