If MIL likes your terror SS so much he should go live with her. I am not sure why you would want your DD or DS anywhere near that hateful woman? You have a BIG DH problem. He should not be talking about your private conversations with anyone, especially not dipsh*t BIL. What the hell do men know about these things anyway? Has BIL ever been a SM? I think not.

Do you work? Do you have any family support? If I were you I'd start finding a way to save up and get out.

Your DH should be getting his kid into play therapy, read some parenting books, using behavior modification techniques to help teach his terror of a kid how to act right and most of all he should be a hands on parent telling his son what to do and what not to do at all times. None of this is your job, it's your DH's kid and your DH's job to get him the help and attention he obviously needs. Good luck. What a nightmare.

PS It's no wonder BM pissed off. Your DH was probably impossible to co-parent with.

Welcome to the site and I hope you get some good advice here.  I understand the frustration of being a full time SM as I was one myself and my DH was very much a back seat parent whose only role was to criticize or undermine me when he didn’t like how I was parenting his child.

When is comes to your SS how much of the “parenting” are you required to do?  I would hope that your DH is serving the main role in this instance and only asking you for back up or guidance when he feels he can’t figure out what to do.   Getting the kids issues address now and early is good but will only be as effective as the parent following through on therapies and treatments…is your DH going to do this or will he defer the role to you, then undermine and criticize?  If the latter is the case, then you have a DH problem that needs to be addressed and worked on, usually with therapy.  If so, find a good therapist who understands blended families.

As for the MIL this will be her loss in the future.  My mother and father were very involved grandparents with my BS.  They would take him on trips, have him spend the night and take him out for special treats or dinners.  They never really extended these same niceties to my BD or to my nieces and nephews.  Guess what?  All the kids saw this growing up and knew my BS was the favorite.  I think my parents finally got wind that we all talked openly about the favoritism, and they tried to change their ways, but the damage is done.  Funny thing is they complain about the lack of communication from their grandkids yet refuse to see it was their own actions that caused this.  A good way to phrase this to your DH and MIL is that the other kids will begin to understand this as they get older and when they question me about it, I will send them to you to answer for it.

Your DH shopping for a third-party opinion is just his way of trying to validate his own mother’s crappy behavior.  You wont win that one honestly, it will be better just to keep throwing it back on them. “Oh, MIL DD keeps asking why she can’t come over to spend the night?  Well, what did you tell her?”  “DS you want to know why SS is allowed to go get ice cream with grandma, but you can’t?  Well, why don’t we ask her.”  “DH your mom is upset the kids keep questioning her?  Oh well I guess maybe you should talk to her about that.”

The evaluation of your SS is a good first step.  He probably has at least some issues from being pretty much abandoned by his mom.. and having to quickly acclimate to you and then again.. two more siblings in quick succession.

Whether it's medication.. therapy.. etc.. your SO needs to figure out how to parent his son and to supervise him.  Clearly he and your younger kids can not be left to their own devices and must have a parent present at all times.  If they are sharing a room.. figure out how to stop that. 

Maybe there are other options.. like after school care for his son so you don't have to do that daily.. and your SO needs to do more with his son on the weekend.

The issue with the MIL is hard.. I'm sure that to an extent she feels that she is saving poor little "cinderfella".. who has lost his mother (virtually).. and has lost his place in the house due to new kids and you.  I'm not sure about the source of his split with his EX.. but maybe MIL resents you for that too?  

It might be that visits with MIL need to be curtailed .. but that also means no break for your household.. you may not be able to stomach that?

Your husband is perhaps correct.. you DO need another opinion.. like  marriage counseling... going to family members behind your back.. breaking your trust.. not having your back.. dealing with a difficult child.. all things you both might benefit from having a professional opinion.

Welcome, Tireddmomm!

I don't have much in the way of helpful advice, as I have no bios and my SS12 isn't with us full-time (we're week on/week off). But I will say that it sounds like your big problem is ultimately with your DH. I agree with the previous posters on that. Your SS's behavior modification and its success or failure relies heaviest on him. And as for MIL and BIL, it it primarily his responsibility to deal with his family.

From what you describe, you're right to be concerned about the impact of your SS's behavior and MIL's favoritism on your children. Your job is to protect them. And if DH can't (won't) see that and get on the same page, you may need to consider some stronger steps. I would recommend genuinely unbiased counseling. From a professional. Not your BIL.

Anyway, just know that you've found an understanding, supportive community here. We get it. One of the most difficult parts about being a stepparent (particularly mom) is the twisted expectations of society. People expect step moms to love their stepchildren like their own and sacrifice for them. Anything less is bring a wicked witch. But, in reality, that sort of burden and expectation is unrealistic and unnatural. Do some stepmoms adore their steps? Sure. But that is not the norm and shouldn't be. It's a fictional and harmful construct created by books, tv, movies, etc.

Keep posting. We get it and we're here to help you!

Counseling is sort of a first step, because you truly have a husband problem. MIL likely is wanting to be the "mom" to SS that he doesnt have, and her favoritism is frankly disgusting. Your husband is a crap parent, and he is not protecting his very young children. Im sorry you are going through all this, and I am totally mad for you that your husband betrayed your trust like that. Shame on him!

If you are a SAHM, you likely cannot disengage or "nacho", but you definitely can get him help and perhaps invest in nanny cams to capture the behavior for the therapists as well as to shove husbands nose on his own sh!t parenting failure.

Sorry Im feeling a bit raw today.

I'm very sorry you, and more importantly, your children are being subjected to this. You're up against a towering pile of issues and dysfunction.

First of all, you have a very big husband problem. He is failing as a father, a husband, and a protector of his family. He should be drawing hard boundaries with his mommy to limit her toxicity, prioritizing his family, and getting his son the help he needs.Reading that he thought calling his brother for advice was a good idea made me roll my eyes. Way to keep the drama going in the family. 

Next, you have a VERY SERIOUS MIL problem. She is NOT a friend to you or your marriage, is actively alienating your SS from his blended family, and seems to have her son's balls in her purse. She's an agent of chaos, sowing poison seeds and actively making things worse on several fronts. Makes me wonder how she treated BM.

Your highest duty is to protect your children from growing up in this mess because it is extremely unhealthy for them. You need to be brutally honest with yourself: do you think your H is capable of changing enough to break the generational dysfunction of his family? Can he do hard things? Would he be willing to go to counseling with you, take parenting classes, and stand up to his mother? Because this site is filled with stories of weak men who are shite fathers and shite partners, so if your answer is No, you need to develop an exit strategy and get your kids away ASAP. 

Nothing wrong with a long post, Hon, as the more information provided, the easier it is to understand your situation and provide advice. First off, you are absolutely right in doing your best to protect your toddler from an out of control, much older bully. A parent's primary responsibility to their children is to provide a safe and nurturing home life! 

In some ways, it’s understandable that your MIL feels especially responsible for and protective of your SS. The boy’s mother has, essentially, deserted him (which is likely the major cause of his behaviour) and ‘grandma’ has nominated herself as the stand-in. However, that is no excuse for accepting anti-social conduct so extreme that it has come to the attention of your SS's teachers. Therapy is mandatory in the child’s case as his acting out will, otherwise, increase.

Your biggest problem is your husband and your resentment is well founded. He should be dealing with his meddlesome, prejudicial mother whose obvious favoritism is already having a negative effect on your shared daughter. Children who are deemed second best from an early age are very likely to suffer, throughout their lives, from low self-esteem; there are members on this site who were permanently damaged from that brand of injustice. 

Worse still, your husband appears to be wearing blinders as to the effect that his brat is having on both your marriage and your shared children. He needs some clarity as to the resentment he’s creating! A counsellor, skilled in ‘blended’ marriages is much needed in this situation as your husband might listen to a neutral, third party. Dialogue with his brother was a mistake; your BIL is not a therapist and in discussing a private matter, your husband betrayed your trust!

With two small children and a little horror on board, you have your hands full indeed. The addition of an unsupportive husband and an interfering, openly biased MIL must have you at a breaking point. ((((HUGS)))))

Frustrated,  Having a dysfunctional DH. ...Evel MIL.    

'FIRST SS. Needs a mental work up. The school sees the problem. DH has his head up his ass and doesn't see anything .  He failing you and his bio kids.  You must pit your flit down and insist on mental evaluation...  

'It's really hard when the oldest is the problem..You must protect your younger kids.  Maybe SS should go live with MIL and disengage from him. 
'you are right something must be done.  When it only effects you ,,an adult venting is ok. But when your kids are getting hurt. You must do something..including asking DH and SS to leave your home. Better to have a divorce, then a permanently hurt kid 

You've come to the right place. You are dealing with a lot. I agree with the posters who said counseling, protecting your children first and foremost since SS is older and larger and has behavior issues, and distancing both yourself and your children from MIL. TBH, i don't think i would want them alone with MIL and SS without you present anyway.

It does sound like you've become involved in several layers of generational dysfunction. MIL raised both your DH and his siblings. Sounds like none of them have good relational skills. Plus there's the generational dysfunction of SS and his BM. No functional woman would abandon her child that way.

It also sounds like you really can't "Nacho" or disengage. Not with SS with you full time and also having 2 younger kids. But you can try to get your DH to pull his weight with his son. It's been made clear that all the kids aren't looked at as equal in your family and you aren't seen as an equal parent to SS in your home. So....DH and his Mommy have to take the bad with the good due to that choice and step up. Otherwise, they need to respect you and your children as equal family and shut up, letting you take your place as equal head of household and parent. Don't let them have it both ways when it suits them. 

At the end of the day, all of this falls on DH ultimately. He is failing SS by not getting him the adequate support & resources he needs. Sounds like SS needs medication for ADHD and therapy to deal with his anger and learn coping skills. Why is your DH not the one taking the lead here with SS? DH is in denial. 

MIL sounds like a nightmare and I would go ahead and disengage from HER. Don't communicate with her. All of that can go through DH. Your kids don't need to be around her anyway. Try to view MIL as favoring SS a blessing in disguise. GREAT, she can spend some one-on-one time with him. 

Stay on DHs a$$ about doctor's appointments, meds, and therapy. If my own child were getting hurt in the process, that is absolutely a dealbreaker for me. 

Is there any alternative to you being a SAHM? In this situation, with a problematic MIL, a problematic skid and a husband who is not dealing well with them,  I would be scared to death to be a SAHM. It so limits your options. 

I agree that a third party opinion on the situation would be helpful, but I'd want it from a marriage counselor,  not my husband's brother.  

Oh hell no. Time for daddy to plant him in an isolated corner with his nose holding the corner together until everyone else in the home gets tired.

As for MIL, she gets them all, or none.  I would not let her reject your two while catering to the toxic spawn of your DH's failed family.

And of course, in between countless hours with his nose in the corner. get this shit kid some help.

Just maybe between actual parenting and therapy, he might at least not be a major detriment to your home and family.

Good luck.