My MIL....& my feelings.
So,
I decided stupidly yesterday to confide into my MIL (Typically very understanding and helpful) we were* very close. After yesterday, I have decided I am no longer telling her my feelings. Especially regarding her GS. What happened: I messaged my MIL and told her my feeling towards my SS and she flew off the handle, at first she was like "I pictures this months ago - especially since you had DS. Sometimes step parents and step kids don't bond" which then dramatically turned into she is so concerned for her GS mental and physical well being. Basically insuited she feared I am emotionally abusing and even physically abusing my SS. Let's get something straight - just because I don't like this little disrespectful tyrant. She said well GS always acts like a complete angel when I have him. Which is a flat out lie. Because she has messaged and called me about his hitting and biting before. Total angel though right? Absolutely ridiculous. So with her comments I had no choice but to call my DH at work to tell him that his mother has literally went off the rail. Accusing me of such bullshit. Sure, I can't stand this kid. He is rude, mean, yells, bites, hits, etc. I still make sure he always has clean laundry, food (home cooked) because everyone else just feeds him junk all day. & NOW SHE WANTS TO SAY BECAUSE I DONT LIKE HIS DISRESPECTFUL LITTLE ATTITUDE AND THE WAY HE TREATS ME. I'm bad for his mental health. His mother though? Has left questionable brusies before. SS says all the time he doesn't want to go to his moms because mom just takes him somewhere else. Yet, I'm this terrible person. I'm so fed up. I can't even express my feelings about how hard it is that I've had a LO and now it's even a bigger strain on the relationship with SS. I mean what is your take on this? Advice? Because even though I already felt bad enough I don't have the same bond with my SS VS my bio son. I am now this wicked step mothers she fears to have her GS. Like, please I have spanked this kid a handful of times for this EXACT reason. Because I didn't want to be portrayed as a evil person. I guess I'm not allowed to displine any and who cares if this child is bad for my mental health? Right? It's all about SS. She literally told me to stop holding my son so much with SS is there. Like DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD. Also, I hold my son so much because he is just an infant. Like get a grip. I'm so furious right now. My DH on the other hand already knew my feelings he just didn't know how to approach the topic. We are going to work on the CO or find a sitter/possibly Pre-K and my DH is very understanding and he says we will work through it. He thinks it will get better and if not he says even though I may not show him the same love and affection as my DS. He is not worried about his first born in my care. He thought his mother was out of line and told her just that. He also said that regardless I treat him better then his on mother and my DH says he thinks SS is struggling with that I'm a better mom than his actual mom. What's your guys take?
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I would Grayrock the MIL
From now on, grayrock her, be polite and civil but dont share any thoughts. Let it all cool down. She was obviously off on this, big time. It's good your DH has your back.
I'd let everything simmer down, I would talk to DH, though, about the boy's misbehavior. That's his job to correct. Also, I wouldn't spank him, let DH do all correction, withholding privileges, time out, etc.
Of course, you treat your baby differently. Who knows what was going thru her mind, maybe she was having an off day. You dont mention previous issues with her. Bottom line, she is grandmother of both boys. Just find a way to co-exist but grayrock her for awhile.
The times I have spanked him
The times I have spanked him it's been because DH was at work and SS was in my care. When DH is home I check out from any correction. Unless it's repeating the rules. No running in the house, playing on furniture, throwing toys etc. My apologies but if I am watching SS when DH is at work. I'm not letting a almost 4 year old walk all over me. Like I said I hardly spank him but I will take his tablet away, not allow outside time. I'm not going to allow him to increase his bad behavior even more. However, when DH is home I worry about LO and stay out of the way on parenting.
I would never spank my SDs,
I would never spank my SDs, even though DH has given me permission to do so. Too risky, and frankly, I don't think it works that well. I put them in timeout, send them to their rooms, take away electronics, cancel fun activities we were planning and a variety of other things, but they're not my kids and I will not hit them. I've swatted my bio's diapered butt, but will never lay a hand on a skid. I don't allow disrespect or misbehavior to go without consequence, but that consequence in not hitting. I don't need BM or some other family member complaining about that, or CPS on my doorstep. I just think it is too risky for a SM to hit a skid.
I also will never speak ill of a skid to my MIL. My mom gets to hear all that. I have a good relationship with my MIL, and she's always treated me well, but there's no doubt in my mind that her flesh and blood grandbabies will always come before me, and I don't want to take a chance on her holding any negativity about the skids against me. The only person on DH's side of the family who will hear negative things about the skids from me is DH himself.
I think it is great that your DH is so supportive and he said something to his mother. So many of these fathers side with their kids and allow others to walk all over SM. Kudos to your DH - it certainly makes things easier. It's also great that he's willing to consider alternatives for SS's care. My life became much easier when YSD started 4K, and it was good for her, too.
As for MIL, I'd just lay low for awhile, and I would no longer confide in her.
Repeat after me: blood is
Repeat after me: blood is thicker than water, and in-laws aren't my family.
Now chant that over and over, until it seeps into your bones and becomes an accepted part of your reality.
In married life, navigating interactions with in-laws can be like swimming with sharks - they may be smiling, but they'll gladly eat you. This is why it's important to pay attention to actions as well as words, and never accept what is said at face value.
Add in steplife, and things get more complex. Everyone has their own agenda, and loyalties can be very flluid. A MIL or sis-in-law can be your best buddy one day, and in BM's pocket the next.
Watch carefully, keep your own counsel, listen to your gut, and trust no one. You can be cordial, but never forget that there's a YUUUGE difference between "family" and "my husband's people".