I need advice....
I am married to the love of my life.. the problem is he has 2 daughters!!!! I have 2 kids and they adore my husband, my kids are 18 and 20 ..a girl and boy. I moved a hour and a half away from my home town when we got married..my daughter wanted to finish her last 2 years in her high school so she is with my parents and my son decided to stay with a friend since he did not want to move..you would think that was reason enough to make my kids dislike there new step father..but no they like him!! Things are good we see my kids all the time. He has 2 girls 18 and 23..we do not get along at all!!! I had met the girls just a few times before things started driving me nuts. It started out with me stopping the money train to his girls..he was giving them money all the time and I stopped it. I explained to him that he is not teaching them responsibility by just giving them money..the 16 yr old was not working and the 21 yr old was but blowing it on alcohol and partying..the girls lived with there mother. Then there little comments started..my husband was a alcoholic for over 20 years..he get the x pregnant so he married and started drinking and stayed married because "it was the right thing to do"..yeah OK anyway the oldest daughter called one day about 2 months after we were married and said" daddy can you come fix the air conditioner in mommy's house its not working"..He told her no and I freaked out..I could not believe that she would even think he would go there now that he was married..in the past he would try to help since the x would threaten to stop letting him see the kids..which is bull! Then one day while we were still dating the younger one heard us talking about looking for a house..she comes out with daddy why don't we a house and put up a sign..no girls allowed..talk about a smack in the face..then the oldest calls crying..daddy why did you stop drinking for your wife but not when you were with mommy and us? OK cant she just be happy he has stopped drinking after 23 years. then calls for him to work on the x mother in laws car or the the x wife's car which the daughter was using. We picked up the youngest from friends and she gets in car and calls her mother and starts talking instead of talking to her father and I . They always seem to ask for something at the end of phone call,usually money, they do not want to see him if I am around see has not seen them in months!! I can go on and on!!! any advice??
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Does your H
Does your H see that this stuff your SDs pull is wrong? If so, that's half the battle.
I don't think anyone can help you to change your SDs minds about being hostile to you. That said, what you should be able to change is the expectation on their part and the BM's part that your DH should be their errand boy and their ATM. Having the SD call DH to ask to fix mommy's AC is a classic -- our BM also has SDs call him (or me) to request things so as to put us on the spot, rather than asking herself because she knows she might not get her way.
These kids are old enough to have your DH sit down and have a straight, calm talk with them. Things he can address:
1) Your mother and I are no longer married. Your mother needs to learn to fend for herself -- which means that if her AC breaks down, she can call a repairman like all other people do. Same goes for the ex-MIL, etc.
2) You have to earn respect. You are an adult, you are old enough to treat others with respect. You cannot treat me like an ATM and your SM like she doesn't exist, and then expect me to just hand you money or do whatever. You will treat us both with the basics of respect: hello, good-bye, please thank you. If you ask me for something and I say no, that is it. No arguing.
He can tell his daughters that in the future, these ground rules will be the basis for your relationship. Then he enforces it: the next time she is a rude cow to you all day and then asks for money, well: "No, you have not respected our home, so you haven't earned any presents." When she yowls about it: "This behavior is withdrawing even more from your emotional bank account with me." Etc.
Unfortunately, these kids have had plenty of time to learn these behaviors and now they're adults with these attitudes ingrained. However, everyone can learn, and it's high time that your DH realized that these are LIFE lessons: he's teaching them (albeit very late in the game) about basic respect for others.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Does your H see that this stuff your SDs pull is wrong?
I have had to point these issues out to him over and over..Every time they say another comment I remind him its not the first time they have acted like this..I never forget but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. This really bothers me. I have so much anger and hatred towards them built up in me from over the last year..I feel like I am going to explode..