This is beginning to affect my health
As I sit here crying... I can't help but wonder if I made the right choice. Who is this man I married? I feel like it's him and his family... then there's me. Yes, I know the girls are only 3 and 5... who require a lot of work. He says to pick your battles, but then it's always HIS way. He wants to me care for them like MY girls, without me having the say so...
Objective opinions please: we got into a heated argument because the girls want to drink water in my car. We just got into the car, we're gonna get lunch and I don't want stuff spilled in my car. Then when they drink, they have to pee plus they may spill on themself.
DH says I am being petty and they can drink water in my car if they want.
Of course, I thus feel like I'm being overruled and that he can care less what I want.
He said I escalated our argument because I refused to "discuss" this in public at a park where there's people. He refused to let the issue go to discuss later so I left to go sit at another bench, not wanting this to be discussed. He got pissed off and we ended up leaving the park, making comments to the girls that, "there Desiree goes again, ruining another weekend as always. Always makes a point to do this. I hope my girls see you as an example of how NOT to be. You are mean spirited for not allowing children to drink in your car and heaven help us if we have a child together. You are mean and shouldn't procreate." That's the juxt of it... he also decided to throw some personal issues in my face (issues I have been working on since a teen that only affect me)... saying that I'm weak.
Then he tries to say he isn't insulting me.
I'm so tired. Every argument or disagreement, he puts me down in front of the girls and then says I don't control myself when I finally get angry.
My heart hurts.
He asked me if I thought we were compatible today...
I feel like throwing up.
I dunno... mb it is petty that I don't want them drinking in the car.
This post just totally broke
This post just totally broke my heart.
You may not be a BM, but you are someone verrrry special to alot of people, and you sooooo don't desevrve to be treated this way.
He thinks he is totally
He thinks he is totally justified to say these things because "they are the truth." They aren't insults if they aren't true so if you don't like it you can change it.
I feel so sick and nauseous... It was hard to come on here and post this because of course, he is wondering what I am doing and talking about.
I finally asked, that since he thinks I'm such a terrible person if he was wanting to get at a divorce, which he turned around. "oh that must mean that you want a divorce. And ftr, we've only been married 3 months so it would be an annulment."
Seriously, he's the one that things I'm petty and terrible.
My heart hurts and feels like a dark big weight is on it. I honestly feel that my wishes don't count... instead he says I'm just trying to flex my muscles and show authority. I have continuously asked him not to swear in front of the girls... and he still does it... but says "I'm trying..."
Maybe we are not compatible.
you are mean is an opinion
you are mean is an opinion NOT a fact. He is trying to rationalize his abusive behavior. Make no mistake - This is emotional abuse. Tread very carefully. I would seriously consider getting out now before things escalate.
I am going through something
I am going through something similar right now. I will be thinking of you. I hope you gain the strength to do what is right.
We were actually long
We were actually long distance friends for a while. He was my best friend. I always talked to him about everything. We dated for a month and then got married. Please don't lecture me on this... I already know that wasn't a smart move.
So in regards to your question, no warning signs. We always got along. His excuse is that he brings people to confront their weaknesses and become better selves.
While I did say divorce, I asked him if that was something he wanted since he said he wouldn't want to have kids with me because apparently I'm such a horrid person and he said how embarrassed he is to be with a woman who wouldn't let children drink in my car because I'm so mean. "I guarantee if it was OUR child, you would let them drink in the car." THAT is why I said the D-word.
Apparently it's childish if I don't want to discuss something or nip it in the bud right then and there...
Funny how I am mean but he's
Funny how I am mean but he's the one who has harsh disciplinary actions.
And to vent on another subject... being a SM SUCKS!!! I tell SD if she wants to eat, she can have leftover lunch which is chicken tenders because she hardly ate and she wanted only junk food. 5 minutes later, I look and she got into gummies. I told her how she wasn't supposed to be eating those and she blatantly lied to me blaming her little sister for getting them... so, even if little sis did get them (which is a lie), she already knew not to eat those.
Of course I get DH who punishes her (since apparently I'm not allowed to do that only 4 months into marriage) and she tried to lie to him... and he puts her in her room for a while. Then he gets her out and tells her to apologize for lying and disobeying... she runs past mumbling sorry. DH got mad at her again and then was like pulling teeth to get her to appropriately apologize through little tears. Upsetting because I know she wouldn't act this way to her mom. And I do more for her, buy more for her than her own lousy BM does.
Is it normal for 5yo to lie??? I'm noticing she does this a lot. I will ask for an explanation when she will be in trouble and she lies... every single time...
Read this Disengage Essay,
Read this Disengage Essay, I'm a full time costody StepMom, and this essay saved my mind and my marriage. (I really think i got soo stressed being SM that i literally went crazy and depressed) trust me, this is the answer to you've been praying for.
http://webspace.webring.com/people/jh/histigerlily/disengage.html
>>His excuse is that he
>>His excuse is that he brings people to confront their weaknesses and become better selves.<<
I don't buy that for one second.
Not wanting kids to eat or drink in your car is a reasonable rule to have. It's not something to get all foamed up about, but your husband chose this opportunity to tell you what a mean, horrible, awful person you are, and humiliate you under the guise of helping you.
Sorry, but what a douchebag.
Heard that one before too.
Heard that one before too. Funny how they don't use this on ANYONE ELSE though. . . Have you noticed? That the only one they want to "correct" is STEPMOM! NOT their spawn, NOT their workmates, NOT the BM. ONLY Stepmom.
Don't fall for it. I too have one of those types. I am slowly plotting my exit plan. Been down this empy road for almost eight years now. I don't recommnend it. My only hope is to get out before his middle child, (the worst and by far the most problematic) becomes a street prostitute or goes on welfare with a baby at 16 (in only four more years).
Getting out sooner is better than getting out later.
SO TRUE
SO TRUE
Ya'll are helping... he
Ya'll are helping... he blames that I have moodswings because of Zoloft. Funny because he thinks I will skip a day when we have issues, and I haven't...
he will admit when he is being an asshole- but it seems most the time he doesn't realize it.
Doubt I'll sleep much. Him sleep on the couch. What a joke.
I've told him time and time again not to talk to me a certain way in front of the girls...
And here's my question... if I'm such a horrible person, then WTF does his daughter pee in her pants bc she's so scared when she gets in trouble?!
And I'm so mean spirited because I don't want water in my car.
I let the argument go for sake of happiness for the girls today... I wanted them to get out of the house and have fun... but the things he said earlier REALLY REALLY got to me. And he can't think that I would let him talk to me like that and not react? He gets to say whatever the hell he wants to me? And in front of them? I won't stand for it.
I moved all the way from TX to California for him. I don't have any friends here. I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have a job yet so I don't have much money. I don't know what to do...
I wasn't able to get back on
I wasn't able to get back on last night. He saw I was upset so of course wanted to talk about it, then proceeded to an argument. He basically said I must have a bunch of disgruntled stepmoms who gave me the idea that my behavior is acceptable. That I also haven't told ya'll the whole story.
He agreed that I bring the worst out in him and that he doesn't like speaking to me the way that he does but that all my petty bullsh!t is getting to him and he's just about had it.
Bawled my eyes out. Told him of all the shit that I do around this place and I can complain. I can complain about the dishes and mess... about having to watch his kids but I don't. He just expects me to do it. And of all the times we have argued I have never spoken to him with such a lack of disrespect- and in front of the girls.
He says he doesn't want me to feel like an outsider and that I place myself there... na.. he wants a spineless woman to appease his every whim.
He knew this before I married him... I'm very strong willed. I expect respect... he gives me a hard time about using my own car because his is a piece of crap. It's not MY fault his car sucks and that he made the arrangement with his ex to drive his daughter an hr away from school... I need my car. Then he throws in my face about how I've said I'm a social butterfly...
I was like, DUDE!!! you're always using my car!!! When have I been able to get out and meet people?! He's like, well you met my friends. And you say you have no friends???
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bucko. Those are YOU'RE friends. I tried to confide in ONE friend... yeah first thing she did was run to him (no worries, she's happily married) and tell him what I said.
Get out and never look back!
Get out and never look back! You are better than that! I have been in your shoes in regards to the anger, it will not get better and to make it worse he has kids. 3 months...... just leave and I say this in a very concerned and caring way.
Good luck sweetie
He sounds like a selfish,
He sounds like a selfish, controlling bully who's got you just where he wants you....isolated from family and friends.
You need your family and friends right now who love you and accept you for the good person that you are. I think that being with someone like that
can cause you to lose yourself.
maybe if you took a trip back to TX to visit, you will find yourself again and realize that YOU are the most important person in your life and your thoughts
and feelings ARE important.
Don't let this guy bully you around, I don't care if he IS your husband. It's sad that he probably feels good about himself.
So many things wrong with
So many things wrong with this picture....I know people say "don't lecture" but honestly sometimes damn it if people listened to the lecture they wouldn't GET into these situations.
Did you know this man before you moved in asides from online? OK...so chalk that up to one HUGE BIG MISTAKE and never do this online thing again (long distance especially). The man sounds abusive ...another red flag is that it moved so quickly.
Him talking to you and demeaning you is wrong, period. NOW...as to you correcting/disciplining his kids only 4 months in, I don't agree with that.
AND I will say I think the water thing is actually unreasonable-if you honestly believe when you have your own kids you will stick to never any water in the car I'd say you'll be of the moms that eat tons of crow once there own comes along (coming from someone who did the same :)...so YES I think it's unreasonable and a battle you shouldn't have chosen BUT his reaction is completely unacceptable and out of line. He shows all the signs of an abusive guy. I'd say get out, go home, and never repeat that one again.
OK - first of all - it is
OK - first of all - it is YOUR car, you can have your own rules. If your asshole, I mean H, had a problem with that, then the skids don't RIDE in YOUR car. End of story.
It maybe a battle you shouldn't have picked but a good spouse would back you (in front of children) and disagree with you in private - in a CONVERSATION (not a fight) where he explains his position (not calls you names and deflects any blame he might have).
Please read, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patrician Evans. Changed my life, might change yours too.
You will find either you both need counseling (individually and marital/family) OR you might find you take him up on that annulment recommendation!
And don't get it in your mind that verbal is not as bad as physical. Verbal does just as much damage to your psyche and tends to escalate into physical over time.
If your verbally abusive H is anything like MY NN, it will be 100% YOUR fault (he is perfect) and he will REFUSE to go to counseling because either he HAS no problem OR the counselor is going to join you to gang up on him.
MrsFitMama - Please look at
MrsFitMama -
Please look at this poster as well and those responses. Because your situation will be as bad or worse eventually, if you don't do something to make it better.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/43911#comment-491823
Sometimes love is not enough.
He has admitted everything
He has admitted everything ya'll said as far as his temperment. He said, you're right... I should never talk to you that way, and I don't want to. So long as I can bring a rational argument, and leave him alone to think about it, such as this instance, he comes around because, believe it or not, he actually hates fighting. He said despite the argument things should never escalate to that level.
He feels like he's walking on eggshells because he said I constantly nitpick and nag and he can never make me happy. Said he understands he shouldn't act in that way regardless.
I am not one for excuses. My sort of job field doesn't allow for it. You have to be hardcore and deal with vermin of the earth. You have to be strong in all aspects. So I try to step outside of the box. That was the first time he ever spoke to me in such a way... as we discovered his reaction was because of abuse he had gone through as a child.
Much haggling has gone on between us lately as figure HOW to compromise and bring issues forth in a productive healthy manner. Counseling is an option and he full heartedly agreed to it so we shall see...
Here's a good website for you
Here's a good website for you to look at:
http://www.drirene.com/
I am glad you guys are working through this. Just be careful that this isn't a temporary tactic on his end to keep you ensnared. But it is encouraging that he will go to a counselor with you!!
I agree with you 100%... I am
I agree with you 100%... I am no stranger to abusive behavior. In my line of career and other...
checking out that site right now.
Just read signs of abuse and
Just read signs of abuse and it alarms me, but here's why... we both... do some of the things on that list. He has voiced some of his concern to me about some of those things... feeling like walking on egg shells, that he's scared to talk to me, I withhold affection, I give the silent treatment (and very well), he says I embarrass him in front of friends (though I don't know how or realize I'm doing this), he says he feels like he can't win...
Again... he does things on there as well.
So while I don't think I'm being abusive, it's arguable that both of our unhealthy disagreements (because that's the only time this happens) are producing very negative reactions...
Regardless if water in the
Regardless if water in the car is petty the big issue here is the way the argument was handled. Someone you love and care about should never talk to you that way. Communication between couples is so extremely important and arguing is communication as well. When you love someone you need to have respect for that other person. The way he spoke to you and throwing things in your face from your past is down right disrespectful and cruel. You did not share those things with him so he could use them later to hurt you. I feel like he was hitting below the belt with you. When the girls get older they wont have respect for you because their father doesnt show you any respect. I am sorry but if he doesnt see a problem then he wont know to fix it. If you explain what happened and he still thinks it was all you................I am sorry but it would be time to move on. I am not saying its all his fault and being a manhater not at all but once that line of respect is crossed its really hard to get that love back. Good luck to you
Keep in mind that HE is the
Keep in mind that HE is the one reporting YOUR supposed verbal abuse. Sounds like mind-f*cking to me. I'll bet he turns everything back around on you, then acts sweet for a little while, just long enough to string you along. This is CLASSIC verbal abuse; he is above reproach and you are the scapegoat for everything. Every time you let him get away with it, you lose a piece of yourself and he gains strength to escalate the behavior. Soon, you'll just expect it and internalize it; you'll feel that you deserve it. You will be lost. I say, get out now. Go back to Texas and reclaim your self.
p.s. Agreeing to go to counseling is one thing. Going to counseling is another, and fully and truthfully participating in counseling is quite another. Remember, everything is your fault to him, so he's thinking of counseling as a way to fix YOU.
Lose him and you'll find
Lose him and you'll find urself. Think of all the happy times you'll have back in texas, wherever ur from. By staying with this guy u avoid love and happiness, love, joy, happiness is NOT something u can find with this man, he has too much fear. Go to love and happiness, the weight of the world will lift from ur sholders when u go home. U cannot fix him, try it and watch ursef get sucked into the spiral of fear, hate, and abuse. Leave this guy u do him NO favor by letting him produce his spiral of abuse on u, stop the abuse, thats what u can do to help him. Leave his fear and hate, go home, go to love and joyful happiness, know that u deserve, that it is your right to be yourself, you are joy, love, happiness, so go be joyful, loving, and happy. In that way you will be helping him, showing him that like you, he is not fear, hate, or the abuse that he acts out, he is joy, love and happyness. You will have shown him what it takes to be joy, love, and happy. Even if he doesn't catch the lesson right away or even in this life time. Get out of there sweetie, get out with your head heald high, with all of your dignity, and follow your heart home.
This is YOUR car and YOUR
This is YOUR car and YOUR property and if you say no drinking in the car then no drinking it is. I have no eating/smoking rule in my car and unless SS8 is starving to death there will be no eating in my car and if my BF has 2 cents about it then he better watch it because I will leave him so fast his head will spin.
You are being abused end of
You are being abused end of story, it will not end, he is trying to control you. And it is working. Only way is to leave, been there done that. Work on yourself. If you stay too long you will undermine your sanity. furthermore ask yourself is this really worth it?? I think you know the answer. Doesnt matter how it appeared in the beginning of your relationship, he is showing the real HIM now. Get out, run, dont look back.