I still think I'm right
A little background... I have 2 adult (26yo and 27yo) step daughters. They are so snobby and have treated their father like crap since the divorce about 20 years ago. Their mother is the eternal victim and he up until we met and began a relationship was nothing more than "Daddy Bank & Trust". I didn't know all this at first and worked to be very welcoming to them but it didn't take long for me to realize if you're not a "yes man" to them they have no use for you and I am definitely not a butt kisser. Needless to say, "Daddy Bank & Trust" closed it's doors over time. Long story short, my husband and I have been the main caretakers of his sick, elderly parents for years but the one daughter seemed to think she should try to control her father through that avenue. I put up with the daily texts for 3 years before finally unloading and telling her if she wanted anything done or provided above and beyond what we were already doing she was welcome to arrange and pay for it. Well... how dare me! That was over a year ago. She walked out and she's never spoken to me again. She now only texts her dad occassionally and it's always about the grandparents. Fast forward, we modified our home, moved both parents in with us and I put my career on hold to provide 24 hour care to them. The kids never lift a finger or even offer any help. My mother in law passed away last month at home with us and now on top of there behavior of coming to our home, walking in without saying one word to my husband or me, questioning their grandparents then leaving in the same silence to us they showed up without even asking if it was alright that they stop by.
As furious as it makes me for anyone to think they can come in our home and be disrespectful to us I understand my husband's point that he is not going to interfere with the relationship between his daughters and their grandfather but what I think I'm right about is that they do need to first ask if it is a good time for company. I've asked my husband to inform them they need to ask before showing up and he probably hasn't done it. He's as non-confrontational as they are and is content to simply bide his time till his father has passed then he has no reason or desire to interact with his kids. I know most people wouldn't even allow what I have with the silent treatment disrespect in their own home but thinking they can now also show up unannounced is where I'm drawing the line and will turn them away if they haven't asked first. I don't think I'm wrong. What do you think?
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You're not wrong. A nursing
You're not wrong. A nursing home wouldn't let them just show up whenever. Neither would a hospital. Heck, even in his own home, I doubt your FIL would just let anyone walk in whenever.
If they call and it's a good time, let them come. If it's not, they can stay away. If they won't do as instructed, then forbid them to come to your home at all. YOU arw providing the care to THEIR family. They have the ability to step in with their own money and time and take care of him. Until they do that, they follow the rules set forth by the caretaker - in this case, YOU.
I'm curious what your FIL thinks of his granddaughters and how they treat you and their father. I can't imagine he is super thrilled to see anyone who disrespects those taking care of him unless he is as much of an arse as the girls are.
My grandmother was in a
My grandmother was in a nursing home and I would have raised absolute HELL if someone told me I couldn't come to see her whenever I damn well pleased. That was how we all kept the staff on their toes. They take better care of residents who have family that is active and unpredicitable for visits.
Understand your point but my fil lives like a king here
I see your point about nursing homes but my father in law is doted after like a king in our home, is seen by his nurse every week without fail, eats quality home cooked meals and is kept clean as a whistle.
They just feel they have some sort of rights to do what they want with no regard to their father or me.
I am sure that your FIL is
I am sure that your FIL is very well taken care of, and like you said, they aren't actually helping. They just show up. It isn't fair to you at all!
There's a difference between
There's a difference between a nursing home and a private home. The OP is well within her rights to insist upon prior notice before visitors come to her home.
FIL has no idea how his granddaughters treat us
My FIL is a precious sweetheart but has no clue how they treat us. I don't believe he would be happy about it at all if he knew but at his age and with his health condition we don't burden him with any information about it.
Honestly I am torn. On one
Honestly I am torn. On one hand, I can totally see where you are coming from. This is your home. You are the one doing all the work for the grandparent(s). The sd's are disrespectful and rude to you. I wouldn't want them in my home either.
On the other hand, my family's dynamics are very open. I wouldn't even think twice if I was driving by my parents, sister or brother's house to just stop in. I was very close to my grandparents when they were alive. I went by there without calling my whole life. To me, if I have the time and I am near, I will just pop in. I can't imagine being told that I can't come into my family's home without calling first. They all have the same relationship with me and DH as well. We all have keys. I can't even tell you how many times I have pulled in the driveway to find my dad's truck. Or walked in and there I a note that my mom kidnapped the kids. It just isn't a big deal.
My family is like this, too.
My family is like this, too. Like you can literally just drop in my mom's or brother's (we can all see each other's houses from each other) even if they are not home, and grab a drink or drop something off. Saturday night DH and I were coming from the neighbors about 10:30 at night and we could see my mom's light was on so we dropped her off a cantalope and talked for about an hour. And our house is the same, always unlocked, help yourself.
SS showed up with three friends last night. I said help yourself to whatever you want to eat or drink with the exception on alcohol of course, they were 17-20. He doesn't even live there. He is kind and respectful to me, even if he probably lies to me about his mother, I don't really care. That will never end and it doesn't effect me in the long run.
However, if they were disrespectful and rude, I would lock my door and not answer it until they learn to call first.
You are correct. They have no
You are correct. They have no right to walk in and out of your home like that. They are using FIL's poor health as a power play and an excuse to show rudeness.
I would change the locks. If they call first and it's convenient for you don't deny access. Otherwise they can go scratch.
No, you are not wrong. It is
No, you are not wrong. It is rude of anyone not living in the same home, no matter who they are, to walk in unannounced without having the common decency to check with the homeowner(s) first, if it is a good time to visit.
Some suggestions that may help: change the locks if they have keys. Get a guard dog if you can. Set up one of those automatic, motion controlled water sprinklers where they park, answer the door half-naked...just kidding, disconnect the doorbell, install a motion alarm where they park and near the front door, tell them to let you or your DH know before they plan on coming by,
Disrespecting your and your DH in your own home is wrong.
If it were me I'd let my DH know if he doesn't ask them for advanced notice, then I will.
Have a conversation with your
Have a conversation with your H that you both should tell SD's that they should call to make sure its a good time before arriving unannounced. Once this has been agreed upon let H inform them and make sure you are on the message so that everyone is on the same page. Should they come by unannounced, I'd change the locks so next time they feel that they can, they will be in for a rude awakening.
At the end of the day this is your home. You are not restricting access to their grandparents but asking for a heads up as it is your home. You deserve that courtesy and respect and they need to stop manipulating the situation. Put your foot down and let them know they don't run sh!t in your house.
Good luck!
It's your home too. You set
It's your home too. You set the boundaries with them if your DH won't. I guarantee they would not let you waltz in and out of their home if the tables were turned.
Do it. Do it today via text.
All you're asking for is the
All you're asking for is the consideration of a phone call. That's not too much to ask, although I'm sure they will act as if it is.