Someone please help - I'm a newbie

Hey there everybody - this is my first time on this site and hope to make it my home. I am so stressed I feel it to my core. I could use a friendly ear from someone who understands.

I have been married for 16 years and have a 15 year old son and 13 year old daughter. My husband and I are both professionals with masters degrees (I wouldn't normally share that, but it will become pertinent later). My husband was married before he and I married. They had a horrible volatile marriage that ended when she was 4 months pregnant with their daughter, who is now 18. His ex has been married 6 times and has kids with different men – she just loves the child support coming in so she doesn’t have to work. I don’t think she has worked longer than 6 months at any given time. What makes it all difficult for me is that my husband’s BD may not even be his. His ex fooled around A LOT when they were married and he even caught her a couple times – hence the divorce. HOWEVER, in IL since they were married at the time of the child’s birth, she is automatically considered his. We spent thousands of dollars fighting it, but in the end lost the battle – she is his child, biologically or not. He has been paying child support for the past 18 years. His BD is now going to a community college in the fall and his ex wants us to pay for her expenses 100% b/c “you guys have the higher education and make more money”. It irks me more than I can say that b/c we are good, taxpaying citizens trying to make a good life for our children that we may have to pay for all college expenses for a child that may not be his. His ex has never worked and uses every excuse she can to con men out of money, so she has no money to contribute now toward college. Did I mention that she calls her child support “fun money” and has always used that for HER fun, never toward her kids? The BD is 18 ½ and also does not have a job. Her grades are in the toilet and her ACT was so low that no college would accept her accept the community college. She doesn’t even have a driver’s license! We are headed for court and I am BEYOND stressed and tired. When is enough ENOUGH for deadbeat mothers who just use kids to hurt and punish?? And when are kids expected to buck up and survive for themselves???!?!

Please help this stressed mother with a few kind words. I have a wonderful extended family, but am the only one going through this and I feel very alone.

Thank you for letting me vent, but any advice on how to get through court would be greatly appreciated!!

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thanks for the response!!!

thanks for the response!!! His ex is taking him to court to MAKE him pay for college. There was nothing in the divorce papers about college. It all stopped at high school graduation. As far as financial aid goes - I have looked into that and the colleges don't care about mine or my husband's income b/c she lives with her mother primarily - so income is going off of stepfather's income. Financial aid is a nightmare in itself!!

Thanks for the response - he

Thanks for the response - he does not have a bond. He just paid CS and medical. What do you mean it would be a huge impact?? Legally or otherwise?? Just curious if you know something I don't! keeping my fingers crossed you do!!!!

great post!

Sounds like we have the same

Sounds like we have the same BM. Both dh and I are college educated with decent salaries. Bm barely completed high school and now lives of child support and welfare. She cheated on dh and became pregnant. She went on to marry this man (who also doesn't work), and made 4 lust nuggets.

We are happy to help pay a portion of ss college tuition. Getting a college education is important to dh and I. We will not be paying for all the tuition, Bm needs to help as well. I also need to worry about my BS.

When times are bad and I'm upset, I think about how crappy BMs life will always be In comparison.

yes - it sounds like we live

yes - it sounds like we live the same life!!

I'm new as well and it eerily

I'm new as well and it eerily sounds like we have the same SD, same age and everything. Financially, it's kind of the opposite situation for us, though - in the past three years, dh has had a small stroke and a heart attack, so he cannot work at the same pace as he once did. I make okay money, but we struggle sometimes. BM, however, is a trust fund baby, has never worked a day in her life and wants for absolutely nothing. Neither does SD18. She barely got accepted to community college...dh and I are unable to contribute to her tuition (we did pay CS until her birthday). She is a legal adult - she can take out loans or (shocker!) get a job like other people her age.

Now, the second issue....about your SD not even getting her drivers license. The same situation here, too. SD has a fairly new SUV sitting in her driveway that is all hers, and she can't get off her fat ass long enough to study for or get her license because she's lazy. BM recently was asking us to run SD here and there, pick up here and there, etc and we put our foot down. She has had two years to get her license. If she needed medical attention or something, fine, but we would not be driving her anywhere, and that includes back and forth to college. She can get off her lazy butt or learn to take the bus.

It's great that you and your dh are able to contribute, but set some boundaries. Your SD is college-aged and the only way to get her to take responsibility for these things is "fight or flight".

you gave me a chuckle for the

you gave me a chuckle for the first time today!!! LOL about the drivers lic. I completely agree!!! I wish kids were more accountable for their own lives! I put myself thru school 100% and now struggle with everyday bills. Life isn't roses just b/c you have a college degree.

Thank you for the response - you sounds like someone I could get used to!!!

My DH and I went to a lawyer

My DH and I went to a lawyer to see about enforced college tuition.

My DH was paying an absurd amount of CS and then the oldest skid went off to college. My DH has voluntarily been paying 75-percent of this very expensive college, but youngest SS will also be in college in 2016. We wanted to be sure we weren't stuck HAVING to pay for both boys while she contributed jack shit.

Our lawyer basically said since there was nothing in the court order about college tuition there isn't much she can do to FORCE you to pay. She would have to take you to court, etc., but she would still be held responsible for a portion of the tuition payment (and most likely all new atty fees and court costs).

Our BM was refusing to work as well. But, she made DH put her through college after their divorce and she obtained a degree in business. Our attorney said that her PROJECTED income would be considered if she were to take us to court to pay college tuition.

What it will more than likely come down to is the two of them working out an agreement of who will pay what. I highly doubt your DH will be ordered to pay.

All this stepkid shit sucks ass.

But at the same time you gotta feel sorry for the kid she conned him in to thinking was his. It's not her fault that she was born into this mess..... It's also not your DH's fault that he was conned. You have a terrible situation there all around.

BMs always try to make everything the fathers fault and problem.

no one should be forced to pay for college. Courts need to mind their own business in regards to this subject.