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Deleting calls to BM....

sweetness01's picture

Submitted by sweetness01 on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:01am

Last night it came out in an argument that my bf called bm yesterday but deleted the call from his phone...When i asked him why he deleted it he said it was to prevent an argument starting but of course it turned into an argument anyway!!

Yes I admit I have been a bit over-sensitive about issues to do with his daughter (5yrs old) lately but I cant take him going out of his way to hide things from me...its only happened once, i know there's nothing between him and his ex anymore and he said he knows he shouldn't have deleted it...should i just let this one go?

Any advice
X

Comments

stepoff's picture

Submitted by stepoff on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:08am

Depends on how badly you want to know the truth. Check his phone bill. Does it have detailed call info? It's been my experience that if DH hides something once, he's hidden it a million times. It's like cockroaches. For every one that you see, a million more are hiding out. JMO of course.

prettyinpink's picture

Submitted by prettyinpink on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:13am

I believe him, my dh also used to do that so that i wont start an argument all they want is to be able to see their daughters they dont want anything with the x but because they know how we get they delete it atleast in my case i know he is not cheating

imafool's picture

Submitted by imafool on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:15am

I am in the same situation completely 5 yr old SD and everything. (he also has a 3 yr old daughter) Why delete them if not hiding something? If I could step back in time and crouch down in front of myself and say "when a man comes charming and all and tells me he wants nothing but me for the rest of his life (except he has an ex and children).... Ruuunnnn! Run as fast as you can!" because its damn hard! There is a bond between the biological parents that we cant make stop! They will talk and relate about things that they wouldnt like us to talk to our ex's about. Except there is a thin line b/c they have to communicate for the sake of the kids!
But why delete it if you have nothing to hide is my dispute? why? I dont know my husband does the same thing. your not overly sensitive....your wondering just like me. What on earth are they talking about!

HennyPen's picture

Submitted by HennyPen on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:22am

I think it will totally depend on your relationship. Has he ever given you reason to think he would be seeing anyone, including his ex behind your back? If your relationship is open with communication and has a good trust base, then he probably is telling the truth. If he has betrayed you in the past, then yes, I'd be very suspcious.

I know I am sometimes too snarky and sarcastic to deal with when my DH's ex calls him..which I counted last month, she literally calls at least 5 out of 7 days a week...so he stopped mentioning it to me. I feel better not having to hear about her or any crap having to do with her but I also know he has no interest in her other than as the mother to his child.

sweetness01's picture

Submitted by sweetness01 on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:35am

Thanks for the advice ladies...i do trust him and deep down i know him and his ex would never get back together. What bothers me is that i never thought he'd hide anything from me and obviously he's hidden this so it makes me think is there anything else...honestly i dont think there is but i dont want to end up feeling stupid because i ignored obvious signs! Lately everytime his daughter (5yrs) is round there has been an argument, mainly because this whole situation has made me so bitter and jealous.

I dont have any communication with my ex's, i know its different (because obviously I wasnt stupid enough to have a kid with someone when I knew it wasnt working!!). I would rather know when he talks to his ex so that I feel I am involved and not left out...usually if its anything important he does tell me but once he didnt and I saw the call on his phone...I didnt start an argument just simply asked him what she wanted. He said it was because of this that he deleted it so another confrontation wouldnt kick off.

I trust my bf but dont trust BM...she goes through phases where she phones to say random stuff, things that could wait and sometimes things that she doesnt need to say at all and a lot of the time she phones when he's at work so she knows im not around. Then she'll go through a phase where she'll not call that often. She's always up to something...married at 17, divorced, 5kids, 3diff fathers...should learn to keep her legs closed!!

HennyPen's picture

Submitted by HennyPen on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:54am

"I would rather know when he talks to his ex so that I feel I am involved and not left out"

then tell him that. It makes more sense to sit and talk about it and why you had the reaction you did. Communication is the base for a good relationship. I am the type that needs to cool off and think about what I want to say before I talk to him, so maybe you could do the same. Just casually bring it up that you wanted to clarify something with him, not argue but you feel you need to tell him. Then explain it, just like you did here. ( maybe minus the bitter/jealous part..lol) It made perfect sense when you did! Smile

CrystalRE's picture

Submitted by CrystalRE on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 11:36am

I wouldnt let it go at all! In fact this happened with DH and I back in February. In my opinion, there is nothing that creates mistrust more than pulling that crap. My Dh said the same thing "I didnt want to argue or I didnt want to upset you." It was his choice to have a child with her and also his choice to enter in to a relationship with her so it is his responsibility to figure out how to balance the situation.

LMR120's picture

Submitted by LMR120 on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 4:41pm

I know I am going to get crap for this but no i dont see it as a problem. Let me tell you why. I used to flip out on my BF and grill him about every little thing they said to each other so badly that it got to the point of him hiding it when he did talk to her. They have a child together who is 5 and cant pass messages back and forth and cant really explain whats going on in her/his life. So your BF and his BM are going to have to talk. I asked my BF to call her when he is not at the house because I dont want to hear what they are talking about anymore because she is so stupid it pisses me off so now I stay out of it. I know he talkes to her but I dont care. I think you should back off a little and I bet he will be more open with you about it.

LMR120's picture

Submitted by LMR120 on Thu, 05/13/2010 - 4:48pm

Wow all Im saying is my BF BM is so stupid that it infuriates me .... Thats why after 3 years i have chosen to not be invloved with thier conversations, he can listen to BS she isnt my ex.

sweetness01's picture

Submitted by sweetness01 on Fri, 05/14/2010 - 2:54am

Hmmm i know what everyoes saying and i can understand why you've decided you dont want to hear when/what they talk about but to be honest that solutions not for me, it would wind me up too much lol.

If i'm honest I know I have been a big part of the problem and i dont make this difficult situation any easier. Sometimes I do over react over stupid things so I can understand (BUT IN NO WAY JUSTIFY!)why he felt it might be easier to delete the calls just so not to cause an argument.

I went through a lot of BS with my ex...trusted him a lot, wasn't jealous of his female 'frieds' but then turned out he cheated, played with my trust etc so I think that has influnced the way i am with my bf now.

LMR120's picture

Submitted by LMR120 on Mon, 05/17/2010 - 10:14am

I agree. He should not be doing it I was just trying to give you a different view of why he might be doing it. As I said before my BF didnt tell me when he was talking to his BM because just the sound of her name would send me over the edge. So I had to own that. I was part of the problem as to why he wouldnt tell me about his conversations with her. Think about it this way, we are suppose to be the person that our BFs can talk to about things that are upsetting them. If your BF is like mine then he already hates talking to BM and gets mad almost everytime he does, so then they come to us and talk to us about it and we get upset and say things like "why didnt you say this", "why did you say that" and we even get upset about things BM says knowing inside he has no control over what BM says or does. I dont think its right for him to delete the calls but he is being honest when he tells you that he does it to avoid arguments. So what I think you should work on now is not going over the edge when he does bring her up and tells you about their conversations. I think if you can show him that he can talk to you about it without you getting upset then he will be more open with you about it.