Ugh
A new weekend visit is upon me and I am ready to lose my mind
The bio might have actually won the battle of me nursing freely, because two hours in, I shut myself and the baby in the nursery because I was .5 seconds from raging and going to live with the bears in the woods. I just couldn't deal with SD constantly looking at and poking me, because her way of getting attention is to jab people in the shoulder or wherever she can reach at full strength, regardless of what they're doing.
My husband wasn't supposed to have a shift until Sunday, where SD would be going home semi-early, but he agreed to cover for a coworker who's wife went into labor and left at 8pm. He didn't even say goodbye so I didn't know he left for over angan hour. Any attempt to get her to go to bed had her threatening to scream and wake the baby because she's already old enough to know how to make threats, so I left her alone. I passed out from being tired and I don't even know what time she fell asleep, but I'm up now feeding the baby and it's quiet, so I'm turning off lights.
Being the main caretaker to someone who clearly hates you and doesn't want you around is the worst, especially when the feeling is pretty mutual. He'll be back around 9am and will probably go right to sleep, leaving me to deal with her all day. F*ck
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First off, tell her, in no
First off, tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she must not poke at you ( or anyone else, for that matter) when she wants your attention, she should stand in front of you and address you. You do not have to tolerate that.
Secondly, why is she there if your husband isn't? Visitation is for the parent, not for the parent's spouse. Make it clear that if he wants you to babysit, he asks you first and accepts it if you say no. He does not get to decide what you do with your time. Nip this in the bud NOW.
It was a "sudden" thing, and
It was a "sudden" thing, and now she's just my problem for now most of this visitation, as he'll fall asleep right when he gets home (unplanned night shift) and he's unlikely to wake up before 2pm (most likely 4pm).
I could SCREAM. I'm throwing the kid a cereal box and having a day out with my baby after he's home bc f*ck this.
It may have been a "sudden
It may have been a "sudden thing" but it was still his choice to cover for his co-worker. Did he at least ask you if you minded looking after his daughter?
You have to sort this out right at the start or I can guarantee you that you'll be seeing a lot more of these "sudden things" as he realizes how much effort and work having his daughter there is.
Another thing - is this his first weekend of visitation? And he's trotting happily off to work? How does he think that poor child feels? She's sent to her father's home, a father she barely knows and then finds herself dumped on his wife? How does someone else's emergency become more important than getting to know your own daughter? He needs to pull his socks up if he wants to be a father to this little girl. You don't raise a child by not being there and by palming her off on other people...
It's visit 4. No asking of
It's visit 4. No asking of course, just trotting off waxing about duty and "helping out".
Edit: it's the 4th weekend. He had day visits before this and supervised to start.
Poking
As a kid, about eight years old, I did this at school and my teacher set me straight immediately.
You have a lazy parent (DH) problem. He'd rather be the hero at work than parent his own child.
Lazy/guilty parenting usually is ingrained. Take care of you and baby. Set SD straight on poking, set H straight on who should be parenting SD. Once again, SM is given 100% responsibility and 0% authority. Let me guess... when SD complains that you set her straight on poking to daaaaddddeeee, he will take her side?
If so, SD needs to go back to the BM's when H is at work. Otherwise you'll turn into H's convenient au pair.
I didn't say anything about
I didn't say anything about the poking because I wasn't confident that I could control my temper, and I didn't want to give the bio a real reason to complain.
I really feel for you.
Such a difficult situation you're in, and it doesn't seem as if your DH is grasping what it entails for you and all the family. Your SD didn't ask for this, and I don't think it would be easy for her. But your DH is responsible for his own visitation and to make this transition as easy as possible for the entire family.
I find it crazy (sorry) that it's only the 4th visitation and already your DH has volunteered to work and leave SD with you. Why would he do this, does he understand you are in turmoil over a surprise SD? Not to mention SD is suddenly staying at a home she isn't familiar with, with people she doesn't really know?
From reading your prior posts, it is clear you are not comfortable with this situation, I don't blame you. It must be a big shock and adjustment in your life, particularly with a small baby. If it was me, I would have a serious talk with DH about how your feel and let him know that it isn't fair on SD to be left while he goes to work during his visitation. It is supposed to be his time to form a bond with his daughter and look after her when she is supposed to be in his care. Isn't that the primary reason she is suddenly in his life, so the both of them can find the father/daughter relationship? Why would an additional work shift be a priority over visitation of a newly found child?
Furthermore, I would suggest reminding him that you aren't comfortable in this situation, and he isn't helping you adjust by leaving you in the lurch with SD. I understand he is also in a state of flux with finding out he has a daughter, but he must be aware that this also affects you and your baby. What would he do if he was single and didn't have you to fall back on as a babysitter?
Probably not have her or know
Probably not have her or know he had a child. The bio technically found him because of me
I do think this is a boundary
I do think this is a boundary to set right now - if DH isn't home, you will not be her main caretaker. She can go back to BM's, even if it's an unplanned extra shift at work.
Also, I'd tell any 6-year-old who poked me like that to knock it off, it's rude and it hurts.
I know you are angry about this situation - use that to set boundaries.
I told him the second he got
I told him the second he got home that I was going out to run errands and she was his responsibility. I'm currently out, "running errands" and having a mini picnic at the park. No idea what's going on at the house but it's not my problem.