what to do, what to do..
ok, with my new found dislike of SSstb4, (yep, unfortunately still going strong, I find myself in a bit of a dillema.
FDH is taking a weekend trip out of town in a few months, and with planning that, FDH said that he could pick up SS as usual on Friday, then leave to go on his trip, then come back Saturday evening, so he'd have time with SS that night, and then all day Sunday. (drop off Monday mornings)
I'm sitting there thinking "SS is going to drive me insane if we're alone together for two whole days" ..I mentioned that to FDH just now, and all he said was "hmm" ..I probably could've chosen a better time to bring it up, as FDH had to head out just then.
BUT.. just as he was heading out the door I asked what the plan was this weekend, FDH said quietly "I was going to drop SS off with you tomorrow and then I have to get back to work in the afternoon" ..he obviously said it quietly as this is literally just after I mentioned SS might drive me crazy this one weekend in a few months!!!
I suddenly realised that in the last year or so, FDH doesn't ask me if I can watch SS like he used to.. It just seems to be expected that I do. And to be honest I really haven't minded up til now. SS is a well behaved, polite, sweet boy, but he just drives me crazy and annoys me lately. (see my last blog for full story, http://www.steptalk.org/node/182755 ..I've spoken to FDH about this and he's aware of my feelings)
BUT.. now that SS is driving me crazy, I don't want to be around him anymore than I have to right now. I really hope this feeling towards SS fades, but right now it's hard.
I was thinking FDH could say to BM that he couldn't have SS until Saturday night that one weekend, but I guess my main concern is that BM has been playing up the whole "being a single parent is so hard, I'm doing this on my own, with no help from his dad" crap to everyone lately, (it really is crap, FDH hasn't missed a weekend EVER) ..and I don't want her to start any drama or spread rumours if FDH says he can't take SS.
She's making us look bad to all our mutual friends, and making out that since we had DD5months, SS has been neglected for "the new family" ..all this totally unfounded of course, but if she goes on about it enough, people prick their ears up and listen. siiigh.
I'm considering just sucking it up and putting up with SS.. I guess if I find something for us to do (play park? shopping?) while FDH is away, it might not be as bad, as SS will be distracted by other things and won't bug me 
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I'm not sure but I think he
I'm not sure but I think he would just ask BM to keep SS until he was able to get him. I'll talk to FDH properly later when he gets home, I really wish I hadn't brought it up just as he was leaving the house, as when he left, I felt the need to turn to STalk and give the impression that my FDH is a douche, which he really isn't
Oh, I don't think he's a
Oh, I don't think he's a douche. There is some miscommunication going on but nothing that cannot be resolved.
He should not have stopped asking (easy to do when the answer is always "yes") and you should not have let him stop asking. You both fell into a routine. Again, easy to do.
thankyou x ..he really
thankyou x ..he really isn't!!! he makes sure SS is respectful towards me, he protects me from BM's crazy, he's doing an awesome job.
It really was easy to fall into this routine of just being expected to look after SS, as it really wasn't an issue before a few weeks ago when that stuff happened in my previous blog.
I really really hope these feelings towards SS fade, because they're just horrible
First of all, you have to
First of all, you have to stop caring what people think. BM is bad mouthing you guys no matter what you do or not do, so I wouldn't let that have anything to do with the decisions you make.
So, if you really don't want to babysit him, tell your FDH that. At the very least, he needs to not expect it and go back to asking you. If you have done it every time he's needed you to, you have set a precedent. Time for you to say no so that he knows it's not a given.
And I also like to use the line, "what would he do if you were not in the picture?" I have been with my DH since his daughter was 5 (she's now 22) and I have watched her for a total of 4 hours (on a Saturday when he had to work on his weekend).
I agree I have set a
I agree I have set a precedent.. But as I said, up until very recently I have absolutely enjoyed every moment of being with SS, and it hadn't been an issue to be with him. It's only now that he's started to drive me crazy that I've *suddenly* realised FDH has stopped asking me if it's ok to babysit SS!
I do think I need to have a proper discussion with FDH about this when he's not rushing out of the house..
btw, I'm so impressed that you have only watched your SD for 4hours in 17years, wooowww!
"I don't do favors for
"I don't do favors for a$$holes. You won't bad mouth me to everyone, including SD, and then try and get me to help you in a bind."
Yup! This!!!! But I always get the comment, "it's for SD" (insert eye roll)
Example...BM IS pregnant. When I was pregnant she called my unborn baby a spawn and a bastard. Then she goes out and buys him a present "from SD". I was dumbfounded, she got pregnant a few months after I did, complains about money, and went out and bought a present for him. I get the gesture, but you either need to hate me or not. Anyway, SO asks if we are getting her baby anything, I looked at him and laughed. I don't think so. He gesture was more of a, "see I"m trying to be nice" and then she goes and talks shit on FB...
He's not my boyfriend he's my
He's not my boyfriend he's my fiancé. Our communication is pretty good though.. I have been honest and spoken to FDH about how SS is driving me crazy right now, and he has listened and understood this. I don't think we are failing in communication because I brought it up when he was just leaving the house. (Which I mentioned in original post)
It was silly of me to say something just as he was leaving the house as we were unable to fully discuss it, we'll talk about it when he gets back later for sure. A failing grade in communication? I don't think so. A failing grade in TIMING when talking about stuff? yep.
I do however agree with you in the sense that I need to remind him it's not my obligation to babysit SS, and that he needs to go back to asking me if it's ok. I'll bring this up when we discuss it later.
What is this supposed to
What is this supposed to mean??
"No need to defend yourself...see ASSuming is a widespread problem isn't it? Eye-wink Especially to assume a relationship issue after one thread?"
Boyfriend, fiance? WTF difference does it make?
And Echo is 100% correct. They have lousy communication and need to work on it. She made no assumptions, since the OP clearly stated she hasn't been clear and made an offhand comment at the wrong moment and her boyfriend/fiance made the assumption she would be happy to babysit.
This is gold!!! Good
This is gold!!!
Good communication example: SM: I have a problem with SS4. I really don't feel like watching him.
Bad communication: Bio-dad/partner: "Ok, well I'm off to work. Talk to you later. SS likes a PB/jelly sandwhich for lunch."
Good communication: Bio-dad. "I understand. I'll make arrangements for him next time and I'm sorry. Do you mind watching him this last time since I have to leave for work now?"
I'll be showing FDH this later! Thankyou!
possibly yes, but these
possibly yes, but these feeling towards SS have only just started, and DD is now 5months, I think it has more to do with the incident in my previous blog :/
I don't know though.. maybe it's just delayed from DD's arrival? I really don't know, I cared for SS so much, and was always so determined to include him in everything throughout my whole pregnancy, and all the way up til a few weeks ago.. no, thinking about it, I really do think it's down to what happened in previous blog :/
yes I got my copy of
yes I got my copy of stepmonster shortly after I discovered STalk when SS was 18months old. I felt it validated my feelings, but didn't have much *actual* applicable advice to rectify those feelings :/
I know what you mean about the unnatural thing, if there was a magic wand I could wave to make this all better, I'd do it! :/
Chances are you're going to
Chances are you're going to continue being annoyed until it gets to the point you're resentful and will be on here telling us how much you hate the kid. I'm not saying that to be a bitch, I'm saying it because I've been there and I know what it's like.
Your FDH needs to find alternate child care for your FSS or else he's going to end up driving you right out of his life.
I think you are quite
I think you are quite correct. I'm taking that on board and talking to FDH as soon as he gets home, thankyou x
I agree with Echo. I
I agree with Echo.
I recommend some premarital counseling, because both of you are lacking when it comes to communication. Work out the boundaries before marriage because they're going to get worse after the ring is on your finger.
really?!! you would recommend
really?!! you would recommend counselling for our relationship soley based on this one blog? wow.
Basically what happened was,
Basically what happened was, we were discussing FDH's weekend away as he was heading out. When he told me what his plans were with regards to SS, I sat there, thought about it, then replied straight back that he might drive me crazy if we're alone for that long.
I wouldn't have been able to tell FDH about my feelings on this long ago, as this discussion (about the weekend away) happened a few hours ago.
Just thought I'd make it clear that I haven't been holding it all in for a long time, lol!
But no, I realise you're not being mean, I truly appreciate your time and advice Echo.. I just think that counselling is a little over the top for something I can just talk about with FDH when he gets home that's all!
With regards to my feelings about SS driving me crazy right now, I discussed this with FDH a few weeks back, as soon as I realised my feelings.. So I do kind of talk to FDH about stuff as soon as it occurs to me..
I do feel you're correct, that if FDH knows that SS drives me crazy, yet it didn't occur to him that it might be a problem to leave SS with me for 2days, that FDH needs to think this stuff through!!! (He really really doesn't sometimes, he's a very intelligent man, but can be a real dumb ass at times lol)
aw thanks Echo x ..we're
aw thanks Echo x ..we're definately comfortable talking about the tough stuff, I feel very lucky that FDH is always open to talking about my feelings as a SM, even if it's me telling him that his son is driving me friggin insane, he accepts what I'm saying and always states that my feelings are important, whatever they may be. (gosh I love that man, it's just that he really doesn't put two and two together sometimes lol!)
I think JustWow hit the nail on the head when she pointed out in the simplest of forms:
a few weeks ago: Hey FDH, SS is driving me nuts.
Today: Oh ok, here, look after SS for 2days.
Um, what? lol!!!
maybe FDH thought that the discussion we had about SS driving me crazy a few weeks ago, has now been resolved and those feelings have passed?! I have no idea, that's why we need to discuss this further! Thanks again Echo xx
hahahaha that literally made
hahahaha that literally made me lol!!! I think I will tell FDH that, word for word.. "NUTS I tell you! CONSTANTLY!"
Happy Easter to you too!
Yes I do.....you're talking
Yes I do.....you're talking about someone taking you for granted and you flat out said your SS4 annoys you and you don't want to be left alone with him. Something that has been building for a while that you have not discussed with your BF/Fiance.
So yes...counseling to resolve communication issues is my recommendation. Why is that a problem for you?? I didn't call you names. I didn't say your relationship was doomed. I offered advice to make it successful.
However I now take it back, marry him. Don't come back here crying about it, when you're miserable in a year after your relationship has fallen apart because the two of you don't know HOW TO OPENLY AND EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE.
Yes these feelings towards SS
Yes these feelings towards SS have been building for a few weeks, and, as I said to Echo, I *have* been honest and spoken to FDH about how SS is driving me crazy right now.
This is the first time since that discussion a few weeks ago that he's gone to leave SS with me, so it's the first time I've noticed he didn't *ask* if I'd watch SS. It suddenly occurred to me that I *was* bring taken for granted
which is why I told FDH that SS would drive me crazy if we were alone for that long.
I agree that FDH shouldn't be leaving SS with me when he knows he drives me crazy right now, so I'll be talking to him about that. He really doesn't put two and two together sometimes lol!
I simply think counselling is a bit over the top for something that could be resolved with a simple discussion about it when he gets home!
As I said, it was silly of me to say something just as he was leaving the house as we were unable to fully discuss it. We will later.
Shaman I appreciate your thoughts and advice, but there's no need to say "I didn't call you names. I didn't say your relationship was doomed" "don't come back crying about it" and no need to use capital letters, goodness.
that would be perfect, but
that would be perfect, but unfortunately we have no family nearby :/
Totally forgot to update til
Totally forgot to update til now!!! (I blame sleep deprivation)
So I spoke to FDH as soon as he got home, about him leaving SS with me while he went away for the weekend.
FDH said that it was only a *suggestion* of a plan, rather than what was actually definately happening, and apologised for not making it clearer that he was just thinking out loud as to the options, as he'd never just assume I'd take SS for two whole days on my own without fully discussing it with me.
oh! and also, he was real confused when I said "but it's the whole not asking me thing as well.. you didn't ask me if I could take SS this afternoon" ..he looked all confused and said he HAD asked me a few days before, and I'd said it was ok!! ..ooops! :/
I have actually been quite forgetful lately.. I'm extremely sleep deprived with DD5months waking in the night at the moment, so I think FDH must've asked me and I've either forgotten, or asked me when I was still kind of asleep lol!
(it still doesn't change the fact that he's gone out other times without specifically asking me if I can watch SS before.. I told him that we've slipped into a pattern of him just assuming I'll watch SS, and that I'd appreciate being asked. FDH said he'd be mindful of that from now on)
Anyway, I told him that I didn't want to watch SS for 2whole days while he's away, so he has decided to rearrange his trip out of town to a mid week trip, (he'll have to move quite a few things around to make this happen, but I know he'll do it) then obviously he also doesn't miss out on seeing SS at the weekend. Everyone's happy. So all's well that ends well, yay