Like Clockwork...here comes the crazy!
On Monday, DH contacted BM and said that because he's immune-compromised, he would prefer that SKids not come to our home if they are having symptoms or anyone in her home is having symptoms. BM replied and said that she thought it was best if they didn't switch at all. It all seemed so easy....and DH and I both commented that BM must be up to something.
Today, BM sends DH another message that both expressed anger that he wasn't going to take Skids this weekend, while also simultaneously accusing us of potentially exposing the kids, because as she pointed out, we might have it, too.
She then had one Skid call to ask if he was still coming to our home this weekend. This was after DH called both kids earlier in the week to tell them that they weren't coming over because he and BM agreed it was best for all of them. In the background, he could hear BM saying, "thanks for letting me know!" after he told SKid that no, he was not going to come to our home this weekend.
BM then sent another angry email asking DH if this meant he didn't want to see Skids for months?!! He replied, "We already agreed that they wouldn't switch homes to minimize risk. We should see how things progress and then we can revisit." Really, BM, so, DH should just say "ok, I'll risk my health and my life, because I can't guarantee you've kept the kids home."?
And yes, this is the typical pattern from BM. She'll initially agree to something and then angrily go back on her agreement days later. It's so annoying...and also so dysfunctional on her part.
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I am so sorry that you and
I am so sorry that you and your DH are dealing with this.
BM in your situation does, indeed, sound like a mental case.
Thank God, my SD is 28 so no visitation.
At the start of this, DH had said that if SD was a minor, he would still go and pick her up for his weekends, which I kind of understood. Now, he admits that that would not be happening.
I am very afraid of him getting this damn virus, as he has underlying issues. I never had a problem with my SD but I would not want the back and forth during this time because I simply would not trust BM.
As if it wasn't complicated
As if it wasn't complicated enough to deal with Skids, now everyone has to wonder if they will be unduly exposed because of their Skids.
In our case, BM's husband and stepson both work retail, so the chances of exposure happening in her home are very high. Also, I think SSs have been out and about with their friends, so they also have high exposure risk.
I am so glad that kids are
I am so glad that kids are staying in one place and not going back and forth. We have a blog running on this site today where people argue that visitations must be exercised during shut down no matter what. Dad has rights and denying him his rights is unacceptable even if it endangers kids. Made me sick. I am so glad some people still have common sense
The argument wasn't that
The argument wasn't that father's rights are more important, it was that there is no reason to stop visitation at this point, unless BOTH parties agree, or ONE party agrees that the other party can keep the kids (as in this situation). There has been no official recommendation to do so by experts who have studied pandemics for all of their career. Many on here feel they know better than all of those experts.
OP - your BM sounds like the type who feels "controlled" if she's not the one who decided something, so she's trying to either make it her idea, or make the kids upset with DH as a punishment.
I think she also tries to
I think she also tries to make everything into an extended interaction with DH, so if he just agrees without putting up a fuss or sends her a very short reply she gets upset and tries to push for more. Her most recent message was a seven paragraph tirade about how she'd demand more child support if DH didn't take the kids for visitation. That's not how child support works in our state, either you're the custodial parent or you aren't. Also, does that mean DH could have been paying less when he took the kids for extra time to accommodate BM?
With regard for visitation, I do think that there are reasons to reconsider those right now. Our governor specifically said "no sleepovers". That was targeted at kids having sleepovers with friends, but isn't most EOWE visitation like a sleepover? You are introducing new people into your home, where they might either bring their previous exposure and then sending them back home where they might take any exposure they picked up at your house. All these "stay at home" restrictions are meant to break transmission changes. Children going back and forth between parents (who have very little insight into what is going on at the other person's home) is a good way to ensure that transmission chains are still active.
In my case, DH is bummed that he won't see his children for a bit, but he's at risk of serious complications and he saw one SS out and about with his friends, so he's not confident that BM is avoiding exposure. BM was also going away each weekend up until the governor shut everything down last week, so she has a good chance of exposure as well.
The kids seemed understanding when DH talked to them. They are teens and know they will be bored at our home, so they would probably rather stay at BM's.
BM just wants everything to be a fight. If she thought we were exposed and DH insisted on visitation, she would pitch a fit. Outside of this, if DH wants regular visitation with SKids and one Skid doesn't want to go she pitches a fit. If DH gives in and tells Skid, I want to see you, but I won't fight with you, so you don't have to come if you don't want to, she pitches a fit. She is trying to control everything and it's so tiring.