Problems in our house.
I was reading everyone elses problems and I came across Realists issues with her step daughter. I tell you I can relate. I try so hard not to hate my 12 year old SD but she is so nasty. She leaves the room when i come in it and will only speak directly to her Daddy. She totally runs the show and has been allowed to make adult decisions since she turned 12. What the hell? It is like they have "secret" stuff. She will call and call and he must answer or she gets huffy. But he will sit in his truck in the yard and talk to her on the cell phone or he will talk to her at work?? He has done nothing to help the relationship that is not good. It is sooooo bad that I feel like running away when she is in our house. I feel like I can never do anything right and she has control. No matter what aweful thing she does, her father turns a blind eye and if i point it out I am mean and I just DONT like her and pick on her????? I feel like it has come to the point of me and my kids leaving when she is there because I don't know what else to do...and i am guilty of totally ignoring her....she gets enough attention for doing bad things in my opinion, my kids don't get as much attention for being well behaved. See the problem? I feel like I am expected to entertain the 'princess' when she is at home but she is too good to actually speak to me unless she needs or wants something. Kind of feels like I am her servant, her entertainment, definitly not good enough to be her "family".
- Struggling Step Mom's blog
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Comments
Some men....
...are idiots.
The only person who can fix this is BF. In my opinion he needs to step up to the plate. Set some ground rules. This is unacceptable treatment toward you.
You need to talk to him when no kids are around and state your claim clamly and firmly. The rest is up to him. If things do not change. you may new to come up with an ultimatium.
Best wishes.
Agree with Jo
At this point, the only person who even CAN change this situation is dad. He has to insist that she treat you with the same amount of respect with which she treats him. She must acknowledge you as the other parent/adult in the household and that's only going to happen if he supports you in that role.
Whether you guys ever like each other or not is, in my opinion, irrelevant. You may never develop a bond and that's okay. No one says you have to. But you do have to find a way to co-exist, if you are both going to be sharing dad's life, and if that means just being civil rather than being affectionate, then so be it. Unlike younger children, I think this one is old enough to meet you halfway. She doesn't have to like you, you don't have to like her, but there's no reason why the two of you can't be civil... if only dad would step in and INSIST UPON IT.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Little Jo said
it perfectly! your bf is paying off her rudeness by not putting his foot down.
Don't worry about not liking your sd. I have a ss that is 13, and a complete asshole at times, and I really don't like his behavior. I know it's not all his fault, he has been raised poorly, and part of it is just being 13, and I'm crossing my fingers hoping and praying that the light bulb will go off in his head one day so that he might actually GET IT.
My dh use to not discipline his son at all b/c he only had him EOW. His son moved in with us last year to live with us full time, and ss thought he was going to run the show, and not only be rude to me, but rude to my family in my home. I told dh either he was going to do something about it, or our marriage was going to suffer b/c I don't pay the bills for ANYONE to be disrespectful to me in my home PERIOD.
Things didn't change overnight, but gradually with family counseling, my dh improved on his parenting of ss, and today ss is a lot better than he was a year ago.
Your bf's #1 priority is his relationship with YOU. Reason being is b/c you help provide a stable home for his children, and they need that. If he cannot prioritize his marriage coming first, then he will never be able to maintain a marriage with anyone.
I hope you can get this resolved!
Bests,
Candice
been there
I have a 8yr old step daughter. My husband was the same way did not care if I had made plans for us to do something are life was around her. It was hard. We have been together for 6yrs now and has gooten better alittle bit. I have to kids of my own and when she was there the rules changed all the time. I had to just be a B... about it. and put my foot down. My husband treats my kids like his own but she gets more of him. But you better be carfull. I'm going threw a hard time right know and had to tell my husband it was her or us. We also have a 2yr old together. For the past 3 yrs I told him that I was not going to be involed with her I do not make b day plans for her or nothing. The other day she was here and remind you she does not like me when her mom came to pick her up she told here that I choked her. I would never do that. My daughter even told here that I did not do it. But come to find out she made a report against me. My husband is on my side and told me that if he has to cut his ties with her that is what ha has to do. I feel you pain but watch your back!
Dads are just blind
to everything concerning their precious daughters. I have only joined this site recently but it has been so helpful to know that I am not alone. I have been in the same situation over the last 4 years with SD who is now 13 and getting more and more manipulative everyday. We fight so much over this one child. We have three boys two mine one his and they are awesome kids but she always seems to make sure she is the center of attention. He does the phone calls when I'm not around and when she is supposed to call me to pick her up or whatever she calls DH then he calls me. I have also been accused of having a vendatta for the SD. Me and my DH have tried to talk about these things that go on between them and sometimes we make progress. Then he falls back into doing what he does best making me look like an evil step mom. I also try to just ignore my SD and this makes me angry because it takes so much energy to do this. I feel like I have to actually be unkind to her because I've tried to be kind and it gets thrown in my face.
So if anything just know that you are not alone and I really do not know what the magic answer is. I've tried so many things my new approach is to try and remain calm and just try and get my point across.
Hope it helps. I need help
Welcome to the club babe :)
You are not alone.
Your feelings are normal and you are not evil, uncaring or manipulative.
What is wrong with feeling the way you do? They are the feelings you have. The one-eyed amongst us would argue that you are immature, that your hubby should have thought about that before putting a rock on your finger, etc, etc. Beware of falling into the trap of feeling guilty because you don't love a child like your biological child - and there are plenty who will argue that you should treat your bio-child exactly like the step-child. Why? Because that is their agenda and it's where the ugly mean step-mother stereotype gestated.
Leave him to it. Go get a pedicure, manicure, whatever. Set boundaries about what you are prepared to do and what you are not prepared to do.
Whether people like it or not, when an ex-husband re-marries his wife comes first. He has connections with his child and loves him/her - great!
BUT - you do not have to force yourself to like her.
You can leave the house or stay if you want - and it's your house - not the child's. Let DH call if he wants - or not. It's his call.
Meanwhile - feel free to vent. I'm not going to tell you it's going to get better. Maybe it won't :O But we stepmoms are all here for you and those of us with stepchildren with whom we can't bond understand.
It is not your job to be her mother - unless she wants another and it appears she aint ready for that.
Realist
does it ever get better?
i have a very simular thing going on here with my soon to be sd of 15.
she and i used to get along great but when we bought a house together she changed. she puts so much energy into hating me it's unreal. my bf talks to her when i'm not home or goes to another room so i can't hear whats going on. when she comes over to visit she makes a point of directing all conversations to her dad. she doesn't say hi or even by and never makes eye contact. i hate being around to the point that i ask to work as much as possible on the days she's supposed to be here, and if her dad says anything to her she punishes him by not coming over for weeks at a time. does it ever get better? we used to be good freinds now i find myself being so uncomfortable around her that my physical heath is being affected and i would rather be anywhere but around her. i can definatley relate to how your feeling, it is so simular to how i feel it's scary! your sd is only 12 mine is 15 and is acting the same way. I've tried to be extra nice I've tried to ignore her but no matter what i do it just backfires.
good luck to you because i don't know what to do anymore.
vcase
You Need Be
ahead of the game unfortunately. At least thats what I learned because usually you don't get anywhere by arguing or being mean. Even if it makes you sick be extra nice to her face, but perhaps make plans with bf when she's there, and don't make it too cozy for her when she visits. My gf used to move her step sons furniture around when he wasn't there and used it as a guest room. Soon he stopped visiting, so thats one idea. But at age 15 your lucky because her days are numbered, she won't want to be there that much and they get a active social life at that age so time is on your side. Also, are you guys planning to get married or have children? This may be what she and bm fears (usually is), but being a live in girlfriend I don't think puts a good spin on things when there's children involved, so hopefully since you bought a home you'll make it official. Also, having your own children makes a BIG difference imo. Because your not the disposable gf that he doesn't have to ever deal with again, (if you should break up) instead he will need to work on the relationship harder or pay childsupport and deal with you for life. Even though a lot here will deny that, it does make a BIG difference when theres children together. Other then that, at age 15 I don't think you have many years with this brat, but number one is don't react and two is show her your the queen of the house and are number #1!
I'm sorry I'm not alone:(
Thanks for your comments, I am sad that everyone else is feeling the way I do. vcase, we also got along until we got serious and moved in together from then on she went crazy....when we said we were getting married she said "haha, if I thought you were serious we would have a Problem" and that was it. She is 'waiting' patiently for me to go away and I am not going anywhere...I hate the tension in my house, we are all so happy and she is just so negative, it is not fun to have her there. She punishes her father also, but he lets her do whatever she wants and says things like she isn't that bad??? She walks around pretending she is 20 and is setting herself up for a lot of trouble. I told my BF that if he won't start to take control of her now she was not moving in with us when her mother can't handle her and she gets totally out of control which I see happening. I just don't think it is fair for my kids to have to see this when I have no control over anything and I won't let them get away with the same stuff. She is a CHILD yes I'm sure I'm going to hear that a few times!! But SOMEONE tell her parents that!! She thinks she is an adult which is so funny because she is the most immature child I ever dealt with. Her father and her mother let her run her own life at 12???? I got "put in my place" for suggesting a bedtime on school nights!!! OMG how dare i tell the child to go to bed, it was all about how she is fine, she doesn't need sleep, blah, blah....OK, I need time after the kids go to bed!! I work all the time and my kids go to bed at 8:30 I suggested her go at 9pm....That only gives me a couple of hours....I guess I get tired of it ALWAY being about her.
What
Don't let her set the rules, its your house and if she doesn't like it, oh well. Whats the worse that can happen, she doesn't visit...now that sounds pretty good! Make plans with bf, just you two and stop letting the world revolve around her. I think you really need to let boyfriend know you WON'T be leaving and she will obey the rules. Also shes a guest in your home and needs to act like a respectful one at that!
The Bad Seed
YoungStepMomof2
Once again, purchase the movie The Bad Seed, I believe it was made in 1956. It's so my stepdaughter it's unbelievable and I always play the movie for everyone so they can get the hing cus I am tired of arguing over his kids all the time. We're always fine until they come around, or if he goes to visit them he comes back home with an attitude. My stepson actually said his siter acts just like Rhoda in the movie LOL
She runs the show???
She runs the show? Are you "kidding" me? Last time I checked, 12-year olds can't even vote.... Why is shy calling the shots in your home? Yes I do agree that it needs to come from her daddy, but he needs prompting from you - I'm thinking with a hot poker!!
My step-kids tried all that with us and we were miserable. They were into everything - wouldn't not mind, would talk back, and even break my kids' toys intentionally. They, of course weren't miserable.... but everyone else was. Me, my kids, their daddy... No more. We had a "family meeting" where we (and most of it came from Dad) laid down "The Law." The Law is a set of rules on how we treat each other, things, and belongings in this household, and what is expected of them and the "consequences" if they screw up. I made SURE that hubby knew that THEY needed to know where they stood in the "pecking order". I said all this "gently" of course, but you get the idea. I can be miserable at work, or go to my Mom's house and be miserable there. But I will not be miserable in my own home.
That's your home and you live there. Maybe a suggestion from you that since "Princess Puddin' Puff" doesn't like you, and of course, you - being the good-natured person that you are, certainly don't want to "force her" to like you.... so of course, the best choice might be for "Daddy" and "Princess Puddin' Puff" to stay at Motel 6 during his periods of possession....
Failing the "Motel 6" suggestion, remember two things: (1) Your kids are watching and expecting you to make a good decision. How you defend them, yourself and your home now, could have a huge impact on them later. They need to know they are a priority in your life. (2) You teach people how to treat you. Make sure your husband understands that he needs to make "Princess Puddin' Puff" understand that her behavior is "unacceptable" and will not be tolerated.
(And bring the hot poker, just in case.)
Let us know how it works out...
Where to turn
Hello all;
I have a semisimilar situation...I am now living with my husband to be and his two children (21 and 17 y/o boys). They have never been overly excited about anything in their dads life least of which is me. The 21 y/o is doing fine, honor student at college and he helps around the house without being asked. Sure he plays his electric guitar too loud but what young person doesn't...The problem that we are having is with the 17 y/o. He was initially very close with his dad, and had a nice group of friends when I met him 2 years ago. However in the past year he has prgressively gotten more disrespectful towards not only his father but to me as well. According to his father and all in his fathers family; his mother was rather cruel to him when she was in the home so he is now overcompensating for that cruelty. The boy has no chores, leaves his clothes on the floor in every room, has his dinner delivered to his room as he refuses to eat with us, and he puts his dishes outside the door as if this is some hotel with room service. I had tolerated all of these things figuring that if this was the way he always did things then who am I to come in and change things now.. However the boy is rude to me as are his friends. He comes into the home and does not say a word to me...He now resents me because he is upset that I told his father that he needs to set more ground rules. He recently talked his father into allowing him and his friends to have a post prom drinking party in NJ...Bad idea I said to have 100s of kids partying in another state till all hours of the morning...That day came and went without incident, yet last week he manipulated his father masterfully. He got his father by himself and asked if he could have a party with beer and he also TOLD his father NOT to tell me. You can imagine my surprise when I look out back and see him and a few of his friends outside cracking open some beers...I asked his father to ask him the pertinant questions, how many are coming, what time is the party ending, and who is going to be responsible when/if someone gets hurt..The boy was not only evading the answers but he told his father to "F" off..I also reminded his father that underage drinking is illeagal and that should someone get hurt the parent of that child would be coming after US...not his son...That we have worked too hard for our careers and our public reputation to have one night of fun for his teen (and god knows how many of his friends)ruin all of that.
His father realized the magnitude of the situation and put an IMMEDIATE end to the party...His son was enraged and threw a tantrum at 17 y/o...He went upstairs to our room and turned over every dresser, threw the tv across the room and tore the door off the hinges...Since then he is punishing both his father and myself by being more rude, and vindictive. He keeps taking all of the cash out of his fathers wallet, making more of a mess than usual, and being silent and frigid to his dad. I am used to the silent treatment. His father tried for the first time to set ground rules knowing that it may be a little late but better late than never, and the child had to simply let him know his whereabouts..Of course the child is being his usual defiant self and simply walks out the door, stays out till 2 or 3 am, and ignores everyone in the process....He has always been defiant to everyone, including to his mother...
I have never tried to take his mothers place, nor have I ever told the child what he can and can't do..I have always let his dad do the parenting and we discuss things together. But there has to be some point where the child is not allowed to terrorize the home. His father is afraid to instill consequenses for fear of the tantrum to follow....But I told him that you may not be able to make him stay in the house but you can make it difficult for him to leave...Take away the car, the cell phone, the laptop, the gas card, the video games in every room, his personal tv, and all of the other niceties. Make the kid realize how dependent he is and perhaps he may start to respect the people that make all of these nice PRVELIDGES possible.
Need input on this...Perhaps from a drill sargent...LOL
I would've called the cops
I would've called the cops while he was trashing your room. This kid needs a wake-up call like last week. My DH - not a drill sgt., but a Marine - would've kicked his ass. Yes, take away EVERY privilege, because that's what they are... PRIVILEGES, not RIGHTS. If he wants to be an adult, then treat him like an adult and CALL THE POLICE WHEN HE BREAKS THE LAW. If he wants to take adult chances, then let him face the adult consequences.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Sometimes I think you need
Sometimes I think you need to take the step yourself, what about setting some time down where just you and her can go some where and chat about your situation. You may be unaware of how she feels, things might be being said about you from her BM? As the adult I would be taking the step to find out the problem.
Please don't leave it up to your husband to fix the problem as I know from personnal experience that when they have their children part time they don't want to be telling them what to do the whole time they are there.
I feel as mums we have our children most of the time and expect them to follow house rules and have taught them how to behave around adults.
Dads that have their kids part time are just happy to spend time with their kids and usually ignore their behaviour.
If you set a small amount of rules for skids I find it much easier to manage, allow your husband the time to spend alone with her to.
I would tell her face to face how it upsets you when she walks away etc and ask her what you can do to help her feel more comfortable when you are both in the house together you may be suprised at the results. Good luck