I think this is just one of the many symptoms of marrying a divorced man with kids. It is easier for the parent who has primary custody because things can be more consistent. But since we are in the opposite situation it is a challenge that must be worked through with compassion and a pioneers spirit because it doesn't seem that our communities, families, culture what have you guides us through this new and unusual family dynamic.

I too have had many problems with your issue and many others. One thing I have learned is that the behavior exhibited isn't necessarily being transferred from one house to the other. It might be exasperated by it though. My first thought when I read your email is that your Step Daughter does not want to come over to your house. It could be for many many reasons. It is the same with ours. Now they don't come at all. And to think I have a new house being built with two rooms sitting empty just for them. but that is my issue. anyway off subject....

When my Skids have shared their thoughts and feelings lately it is with deep and destitute pain. It is the kind of sorrow you feel with great loss and despair. It is horrible to think that over the course of time the adults have created an environment where the kids feel so bad.

I really don't think it is fair to blame the BM. Yes she has, I'm certain, in EVERY persons story, a fair and impressionable influence, however there are several people involved and the first thing I have done is to look at myself. What have I done to contribute to this, and how can I do better now.

Right now you have 3 kids who are suffering. Yours and your DH's. I can give you advice that I have tried or am trying but I can't guarantee success. First, I have become more religious, not the "my lord and savior" kind but, faith and trust and letting things just be what they are. Second, I am trying to build my own relationship with the kids, one at a time. Right now it is through emails but that is a start.

What I have learned from my experience and from those on this site, is that there are ways to make this work, but it is not easy, and there are ways to make it worse. Most of us on here especially right now, want to find ways to feel better but it comes with a lot of personal sacrifice, patience and lots and lots of love.

Your marriage can survive too. The important thing is to talk to each other, not fight about the kids, and continue to love and respect each other, even when things aren't working out as you think they should.

That is enough of a response for now. I hope that helps you a little.

It sounds so easy to say don't fight with DH about kids but good god, it is not easy to do. My Skids (3 boys every weekend F-Sun) rule the roost and everyone walks on eggshells waiting to see what they're going to be like. My DH is clueless. So, I don't have any advice, but I'll be watching this thread for answers too ! stay strong.

Have you ever read or are you familiar with a book called "The Surrendered Wife"?

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

Much of it is way beyond anything that I could do in terms of letting go of my ego and the religious aspects. However, it does give you ideas about how one person in the couple relationship can create change without the help of the other person and that is what you are really asking, right? Could you do this without the complete support and help of DH? We always here so much about how it "takes two" to make a marriage or blended family work, but this book gives you a different perspective. No you can't change other people or their behavior, but you can change yourself and that in itself can create change in others.

That's the gist of it, I think.

There were lots of times when my steps were little I didn't think that we were going to make it, however here we are 13 years later and we could not be happier. Our relationships were worth fighting for and its true sometimes change comes from within and it does create a change in others.

DH's son lives with us FT. DH does not do much to enforce rules or procedures in our home. I freely voice my concerns and unfortunately yell a lot, but I work FT, have a PT job as well as attend Graduate school so I expect some help from everyone. I was brought up in a house of respect, was expected to work hard in school, then go home and actually contribute to keeping it clean and helping my mom cook! G-A-S-P! So as a single mother, I raised my daughter the same way. Imagine DH's son's surprise after his father married me! He was expected to do schoolwork, housework, and earn privileges rather than being handed everything on a silver platter. Yikes! I can't stand it. I used to walk on eggshells as if DH's son was some sort of Platinum card carrying member of an elite hotel that we were all supposed to cater to. Not anymore. I work harder than anyone in this house and will not allow a child to make me feel like an outsider.

I know I can't change DH or Precious's behavior but if someone is going to be miserable in this house, it certainly isn't going to be me. If Precious is at home for a weekend, and I'm feeling particularly irritated by DH and Precious, I will go elsewhere. When I return, I let 'em have it! I put up with the crap during the week, and I deserve the break. I let DH put up with his son's nonsense but firmly believe DH should be making more of an effort to guide his own child.

Am I hearing that DH determined that it would be easier on his daughter if HIS house (and yours) was "rearranged" during her visits? Yikes! Who gave him that advise? And if he came up with that on his own, shame on him. Sounds harsh, I know, but geez!

Maybe I need more specifics as to how the house changes into BM's house when SD arrives, but my general response is why? How could any intelligent human being think that is the best route? Because it's easier? For who? His daughter? Him? He may have made that decision because he doesn't want to deal with the struggles of rearing his child after he's divorced her mother. Well get over it, I say.

Doesn't he know how resilient children are? Doesn't he know how perceptive children are? She's not part of his family with the message: I come to Dad's and everyone leaves. Yikes! What feelings must that be generating for her?

Tell DH that he's 1) taking the easy way out and 2) not doing his daughter any favors by making his house like the BMs. He's saying to her, "you're not important enough to merge into my life with my family here. You're not worth the effort." Of course he wants it this way, it's easier on HIM, not her, not you, and not your family. If he really loves his daughter, he needs to teach her to merge into his family, with his rules and rewards.

I know your question was how to do this without DH support, but you can't. Everyone is right though. You can alter your state of mind about it, which may help the isolation this current "plan" is generating.

Otherwise, I would have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your DH and shed some light for him to see more clearly that this "plan" is against all common sense. This isn't about being easier on his daughter.

I think I figured out something based on my experience. Most peopel do love their children but often overuse the phrase "I put the kids first."

I would rather hear someone say "I put the children's best interest first."

We make our children do things all the time that they would rather not do or do something else:

*Go to school
*We make them do their homework
*Eat a balanced meal rather than ice cream and soda every day
*We make them save their money so they learn the value of a dollar
*We make them play nice with other kids so they learn to cope later in life...

We as parents do that because we are placing their best interests first not what they want to do first. Parents pay child support so that their kids can eat. Parents have kids go on visitation with the other parent because all of the studies show that kids are better off pyschologically when both parents are present and involved.

The DH or DW has to be involved and an active coparent. Maybe one parent is a step parent, but both of them have to have respect. Love and friendship have to exist between the adults.

Otherwise, forget it.

Kevin

This is not a hopeless situation. Please keep the hope alive that things will get better. Just know that things don't get better on their own. It normally takes an active participation in the change that needs to take place. Keeping things the same, expecting different results only makes one crazy. Maintain the hope and activate the steps for change.

It's good to hear that you have recognized that you and DH have to agree. But on everything? Not necessarily. In your soul searching, make a list on what you can tolerate and what you can let slide. Because, to be honest, no 2 people will agree on everything, especially when it comes to parenting. Literally sit down with paper and pen, with DH, and list what you BOTH want, what YOU want, what HE wants...and then come to a compromise. It just may be that you are closer on some things than you think, just have different ways of getting there.

BTW, it IS easier to see faults in someone else's children. Bio-parents get this "well of love" for their children that causes them to screen out the "uglies" of children. I suppose it's a prehistoric mechanism designed into our genes to not eat our young, so to speak.

Anyway, I am hopeful that you and DH will come to some compromise on this issue. It's a big one and you have every reason to be concerned. Whatever decision you make, you have my support, because only you know what is best for you and yours. I only give advise based on my experience that worked for me.

It will get better, then it will get bad..and so on. As children grow, as we grow and change so will the situation. I have made it out of a very dark time with my SD (17), but I am not so naive to think that was it. I still have 2 other teenagers, SS (15) and SD (13), not to mention my diabled BS (12) and BS (9) to raise.

Please remember the both of you made vows to each other, not the children. Hopefully DH can come to the conclusion that his children don't need to listen to you like your their mom (your probably glad your not) but that they need to respect you as His Wife. I am not sure how my hubby finely came to this conclusion...but I honestly believe they (the DH's of the world) need to find their own way. We can not be responsible for someone elses choices (or lack of).

Don't forget to take care of yourself first. You need all of your physical and emotional strength. Please take care.

That last sentence said it all to me. We keep trying to be a part of their family. We are outsiders so why are we trying so hard.