Defeated
I'm a stepmom of a 12 yr old girl and a 6 yr old boy. I have a 10 yr old son from a previous marriage and my husband and I have a 22 month old daughter together. We have been married 5 yrs and together for a total of almost 8 years. How can I have a 6 yr old stepson if my husband and I have been together for 8 yrs?? Well that's bc during a "break" my husband hooked up with his ex-gf and got her pregnant. We had already gotten back together when we found out she was pregnant. After a severe nervous breakdown, counseling, more counseling, antidepressants and a whole lot of soul searching, we have thrived, survived and even had a daughter of our own, bringing more security and devotion in our marriage. However, the 6 year old stepson has lived with us full time since he was 18 months old after my husband won sole custody of him when the birth mom dropped him off one day and we didn't see or hear from her for 35 days. I have been in my stepsons life since he was 2 weeks old and ever since he has come to live with us (4 1/2 yrs ago) my life has been completely miserable. He is the most emotional, rude, selfish, mean, disrespectful, disobedient, hateful, spoiled little child I have had contact with, and I have to live with him. He doesn't respect me or follow my direction at all. My husband treats him like he is "special". I think bc he feels guilty that the BM abandoned him. I do not love this kid. I do not like him. He is ruining my marriage. He sends me into panic attacks and it's all I can do not to completely lose my mind on this kid. It has caused so much stress and tension in our family and there is fighting in our household daily. It always stems from my stepson and his behavior. I'm just done.
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Comments
your DH is to blame for
your DH is to blame for parenting by guilt
exactly this.^^^^ If your DH
exactly this.^^^^ If your DH has had the kid since he was 18 months old, there is no blaming BM for skid behavior. This is all on your DH.
A child abandoned by his
A child abandoned by his birth mother at 18 months old , or any age, is guaranteed to have trauma associated with that. It will manifest as undesirable behaviors. Your DH--not you--should google developmental trauma and self-educate on how to best parent this special needs child. Also, it comes across that you totally resent what this child represents--an infidelity by your DH. I don't think you've resolved that, and more counseling is in order. You should do some research on surviving infidelity.
My OSD was abandoned by her
My OSD was abandoned by her BM likewise at the age of two. It must have been a terrible time for DH but he has never really spoken about it. Needless to say my opinion of BM is not good- how do you do that to your own child? I know her grandparents had a lot to do with her upbringing but she was brought up by DH and his wife2 from about six years old.
Cue me entering her life when she is a mom herself and a wife. Her dad had already re-married and divorced. Lots of messy psychology there. When I first met her I admired her for having to deal with all that shit and come out the other side.
Now- I want nothing to do with her- she is ultra-controlling, manipulative and has to be the very centre of everything. In short she has never really grown up- to me she is still that two year old who woke up to find her mommy gone. She has had counselling but feels it doesn't help her so gives up.
In those days counselling wasn't done- you just kept calm and carried on- my advice to you is to seek all the help you can for this kid. The odds are stacked against him and if he is not given the right amount of emotional support the odds will be stacked against all those who come up against him- like yourself and your family, and anyone he connects with in the future. I think you do have to accept that this child has special needs.